My daughter went back to her mom in Upstate NY because she felt I was too controlling. I may have been a little strict, but she also came from a household (her mother’s) where there were no rules at all. She was free to do as she wished.
That resulted in her failing high school two years in a row for ninth and tenth grades. She had issues with boys up there as well that resulted in cops and a court case.
She came down here in August of 2017 at 16. She had been warned by no less than five people that I am not her mom and that I am strict. She said she is fine with that and so my step-dad and I drove up to get her. Lots of head butting ensued because she was not used to rules. She was grounded, alot. However, in just one year she went from being a tenth grader to entering high school this August as a senior and was on track to graduate.
She turned 18 on November 1st and on November 2nd she never came home and stated that she was moving out because I am too controlling. I think it had something to do with a boyfriend because I wouldn’t allow to her to have a boyfriend until after she graduated. I needed her to focus on school and not boys. Last year she had three boyfriends even when I told her she wasn’t allowed. Each time her grades took a hit because she would have problems with them. Then when they broke up, I had to force her to go to school because she didn’t want to go because of the boyfriends. So, this year I told her none until she graduates.
I had also told her that the rules will remain the same at 18 as they were when she was 17 because she is still under my roof.
Two weeks after she moved out, she ended up going back to her mom in Upstate, NY.
She has six months till she graduates and I cannot believe her mom is encouraging her to drop out and get her GED, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Her mom never graduated, her mom’s brother dropped out in ninth grade do to mental health issues. My oldest son dropped out in ninth grade and never got his GED. He too lives in Upstate, NY.
I am at a loss for what to do. Her mom doesn’t want to listen to me and generally just shuts me out. I have been praying. I just want her to graduate high school and do better than me.
I'm answering this as a parent whose been through the teenage years with two children.
Dealing with divorce isn't easy, especially when one parent is a bad parent yet not so bad that they still end up as an influence in the child's life. In such a situation you end up needing to be both parents, and hoping your goodness outweighs the others bad. Not easy.
But no matter what, by the time your child is an adult there is nothing you can do but be there as steady as a rock and pick up the pieces if and when there are pieces to pick up.
By the time they hit this age, all you can do is give your opinion of their poor decisions allowing them to make them and hopefully, learn from their mistakes.
In a few years after she's hit a rock bottom hopefully she will come back around. She spent a couple years living with you so she's had time to get to know you, and see a different life than her mother provides. At 18 that's all you can do if she wishes to go and do the wrong thing.
While a slightly different situation than yours, when my daughter hit college age she had a trust fund set up for college, but it was set up that the trust provided all her college expenses as they occurred (tuition, books, housing, transportation if needed.. all costs) and then whatever was left she would get when she graduated - OR - when she turned 21 the trust would be cashed out and given to her in whole.
I was proud that my children had a trust for college. I worked hard to give them that; it was something I had wished for myself - a paid for college education.
So what did my daughter do? She waited til she was 21 and cashed it out.. lol. I was SO upset. She was smart with it, she bought a home and a car, but I had planned college and felt like she was throwing away opportunity and potentially destroying her future... (as I'm sure you'd understand my feeling there!)
I fought with her over that... now, in my daughters case it worked out for her. We found out a year after that she had cancer, and a year later she died... she for her I really was happy she had something she wanted before she died - her own home and a home for her children.. so it wasn't all bad.
But teenage girls (and I was one myself) can be some of the most difficult creatures on earth to parent. My son? He was a paragon of self control through His teenage years.. lol. A teenage saint compared to the handful my daughter was.. hahaha
So my advice to you? All you can do is be there for her at this point.. we speak, we give advice and our opinions, but they usually won't do what we advise them to, and will end up learning the hard way.
But you? Just make sure you don't have regrets with how you spoke to her, just in case. You never know what the future holds.
So be there. And yes, sometimes you will cry for her and wonder where you went so wrong. .. but it's okay - our best is good enough because our best is all we have to give them. .
On a happy note, your grandchildren will turn out much like you! Haha..