- Jun 1, 2018
- 821
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- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- US-Libertarian
It was hard finding the right sub forum to post this in. I hope this is it though.
Anyways, I'm 25, I'm married, I have a home and a car and pull all the weight at my house financially. I'm a smoker, have an occasional beer or 2, and cuss a lot. I used to be into drugs. Specifically marijuana and "magic mushrooms". I was saved my junior year of high school. I know I was because I had a personal encounter with God that will probably be the most memorable experience I will ever have. I used to go to church every Wednesday and Sunday, used to read my bible and pray every single day. I used to seek him out and cried at night a lot because of how much closer I wanted to be with him. Hmm where do I go from here... it's going to be a big post I reckon, maybe something more to blog about but I am seeking advice or answers so I see fit for me to let anyone willing to try to help me out know a little of my backstory.
I won't go into details on my salvation experience, but basically this started everything. I was into smoking the reefers a lot back then, and even after being saved did it. I started going to church more and sincerely for myself. I only started going to spend more time with who is now my wife. But after being born again I started going for me. Living on my own with roommates, I went to a party at a neighbor's and they said they had a drug I had reeeally been wanting to get my hands on. Well it wasn't the same stuff. It was some research chemical. So the night goes on, I start tripping, seeing things yadda yadda ya until I start to see this vision of what I can only describe as a group of light beings or spirits of people crowding and then go to the top of this hill and then they lift up this cross and can you guess who was on it? You guessed right. It was Jesus. Looking straight at me. And it felt as though I myself had crucified him all over again by what I had been doing. I walked home soon after just feeling awkward for being there any more. When I got home I felt dirtier than I ever had in my life. I vowed to never touch hallucinogens again. I stopped smoking weed the next day. A week later I had quit smoking cigarettes. I was clean. My roommates however didn't feel the same in me. There was bad tension in the house. We were all ready to fight or move nobody would make the first move so...
Fast forward to Christmas. My uncle in law at a party tells me about this job opening at his work. I take it. The day of my interview I get in an accident. I get the tow truck to drop me off there anyways. Well they were impressed that I got in a wreck and still showed up. So they hired me. My step dad sees and hears everything going on with me and offers to take me in and buy me a used vehicle. I take the offer and work my behind off for 2 years. Neat huh? Quit drugs got a better job a new ride and a more stable home. This is the part you see me going to church all the time. Praying. Taking every opportunity to practice my faith or just learn more about Him.
Here's where it finally starts to get hairy... One day after church I stop by a gas station to grab a coffee. My at the time fiance just went into work. I walk outside, get in my car and lo and behold, and man without a shirt on looking like a free spirit without a care in the world walking by. I start thinking "my god I hope he doesn't walk over here". Can you guess what he does? Yeah he starts trying to talk to me. Said something like "you look like you just came from church". Well we started talking there about Christianity and the minutes start adding up so he invites me to his home. I tell him "this is already creepy enough but I'll come over if and only if we continue this fellowship." So we did. From there it built into a friendship and eventually he invited me to his church. I agreed. I brought my fiance along with me. She hated being there. She wanted to be with her friends and family at their church. I couldn't make her go there again so I kept going because I felt like I was getting something I had cried all those nights reaching out to god to be closer with him. Eventually it came to the point where I hadn't talked to my fiance for 3 months because I went all in for god. I bought all kinds of study resources and watched all kinds of videos and took all kinds of notes. Exegesis studies. It was out of this world. Dissecting verses word for word Greek or Hebrew translating, crossing bible translations, dictionaries, encyclopedias. We were a force to be reckon with. Unfortunately all that came to a screeching halt when I realized what I was giving up with my fiance. It had been a year of this going on and I hadn't spoken to her in 3 months. So I called said I wanted to come see her. She consent. We had a long talk and I was utterly torn that I had to make a choice between 2 people which would determine what direction my relationship with God would go. I could stay with him and continue to fellowship and feel God's spirit and have someone to have my back in prayer and for godly advice and encouragement and teaching, or I could marry her and assume to sign my life away in the name of family. Ugh. I chose her.
Am I happy I made that choice? I don't think so. I don't know where I'd be right now if I went the other direction. I've never been more disconnected with my spiritual side since being saved. I wish all that never happened because I am now worse the was before. I started smoking cuz work stressed me out. I stopped going to church because it was her church and it just wasn't doing it for me any more. When I realized all my assumptions of what my life would become if I married her came true, I pretty much gave up. I don't really care about going to church any more. I can't find another church because she wants to go to her church because she went there her whole life and they're her family. And I don't read or pray any more because what's the point if I'm not going to fellowship anyways? I resent her for it. I resent her for not being more into it the way I wanted to be. It's hard living knowing you know the living Christ but then keeping it a secret because you have resorted to worldly things to keep you satisfied because everything Christian related with your marriage is just disappointing now because you can't be free in Christ. And I'm already married lol.
That's it. I'm totally at a low point spiritually and I have come up against a mountain. I hope someone can offer something. I am slipping away into being another fizzled out Christian who doesn't care about being fired up again... it would seem.
Anyways, I'm 25, I'm married, I have a home and a car and pull all the weight at my house financially. I'm a smoker, have an occasional beer or 2, and cuss a lot. I used to be into drugs. Specifically marijuana and "magic mushrooms". I was saved my junior year of high school. I know I was because I had a personal encounter with God that will probably be the most memorable experience I will ever have. I used to go to church every Wednesday and Sunday, used to read my bible and pray every single day. I used to seek him out and cried at night a lot because of how much closer I wanted to be with him. Hmm where do I go from here... it's going to be a big post I reckon, maybe something more to blog about but I am seeking advice or answers so I see fit for me to let anyone willing to try to help me out know a little of my backstory.
I won't go into details on my salvation experience, but basically this started everything. I was into smoking the reefers a lot back then, and even after being saved did it. I started going to church more and sincerely for myself. I only started going to spend more time with who is now my wife. But after being born again I started going for me. Living on my own with roommates, I went to a party at a neighbor's and they said they had a drug I had reeeally been wanting to get my hands on. Well it wasn't the same stuff. It was some research chemical. So the night goes on, I start tripping, seeing things yadda yadda ya until I start to see this vision of what I can only describe as a group of light beings or spirits of people crowding and then go to the top of this hill and then they lift up this cross and can you guess who was on it? You guessed right. It was Jesus. Looking straight at me. And it felt as though I myself had crucified him all over again by what I had been doing. I walked home soon after just feeling awkward for being there any more. When I got home I felt dirtier than I ever had in my life. I vowed to never touch hallucinogens again. I stopped smoking weed the next day. A week later I had quit smoking cigarettes. I was clean. My roommates however didn't feel the same in me. There was bad tension in the house. We were all ready to fight or move nobody would make the first move so...
Fast forward to Christmas. My uncle in law at a party tells me about this job opening at his work. I take it. The day of my interview I get in an accident. I get the tow truck to drop me off there anyways. Well they were impressed that I got in a wreck and still showed up. So they hired me. My step dad sees and hears everything going on with me and offers to take me in and buy me a used vehicle. I take the offer and work my behind off for 2 years. Neat huh? Quit drugs got a better job a new ride and a more stable home. This is the part you see me going to church all the time. Praying. Taking every opportunity to practice my faith or just learn more about Him.
Here's where it finally starts to get hairy... One day after church I stop by a gas station to grab a coffee. My at the time fiance just went into work. I walk outside, get in my car and lo and behold, and man without a shirt on looking like a free spirit without a care in the world walking by. I start thinking "my god I hope he doesn't walk over here". Can you guess what he does? Yeah he starts trying to talk to me. Said something like "you look like you just came from church". Well we started talking there about Christianity and the minutes start adding up so he invites me to his home. I tell him "this is already creepy enough but I'll come over if and only if we continue this fellowship." So we did. From there it built into a friendship and eventually he invited me to his church. I agreed. I brought my fiance along with me. She hated being there. She wanted to be with her friends and family at their church. I couldn't make her go there again so I kept going because I felt like I was getting something I had cried all those nights reaching out to god to be closer with him. Eventually it came to the point where I hadn't talked to my fiance for 3 months because I went all in for god. I bought all kinds of study resources and watched all kinds of videos and took all kinds of notes. Exegesis studies. It was out of this world. Dissecting verses word for word Greek or Hebrew translating, crossing bible translations, dictionaries, encyclopedias. We were a force to be reckon with. Unfortunately all that came to a screeching halt when I realized what I was giving up with my fiance. It had been a year of this going on and I hadn't spoken to her in 3 months. So I called said I wanted to come see her. She consent. We had a long talk and I was utterly torn that I had to make a choice between 2 people which would determine what direction my relationship with God would go. I could stay with him and continue to fellowship and feel God's spirit and have someone to have my back in prayer and for godly advice and encouragement and teaching, or I could marry her and assume to sign my life away in the name of family. Ugh. I chose her.
Am I happy I made that choice? I don't think so. I don't know where I'd be right now if I went the other direction. I've never been more disconnected with my spiritual side since being saved. I wish all that never happened because I am now worse the was before. I started smoking cuz work stressed me out. I stopped going to church because it was her church and it just wasn't doing it for me any more. When I realized all my assumptions of what my life would become if I married her came true, I pretty much gave up. I don't really care about going to church any more. I can't find another church because she wants to go to her church because she went there her whole life and they're her family. And I don't read or pray any more because what's the point if I'm not going to fellowship anyways? I resent her for it. I resent her for not being more into it the way I wanted to be. It's hard living knowing you know the living Christ but then keeping it a secret because you have resorted to worldly things to keep you satisfied because everything Christian related with your marriage is just disappointing now because you can't be free in Christ. And I'm already married lol.
That's it. I'm totally at a low point spiritually and I have come up against a mountain. I hope someone can offer something. I am slipping away into being another fizzled out Christian who doesn't care about being fired up again... it would seem.
