Moving beyond the betrayal of bipolar infidelity

[gracealone]

Hi,
I'm new to this forum. I'm not a stranger to mental illness as I suffer from OCD/Panic disorder. I understand how hard it is to not engage in the compulsive side of my disorder so I'm thinking it's probably equally as hard for the bipolar person to control their behavior when in a manic state. My daughter in law was just diagnosed bipolar this week. She went from being a loving, supportive wife and mother over the past two years to behaving like a rebellious teen; drinking, partying and finally even commiting infidelity. Our son was a Pastor and due to the small town factor of where they lived her behavior became too public and the church actually had to dismiss him in spite of the fact that he was doing such a great job for them. They are now homeless, jobless and living with us. Even though she's started treatment she still tried to contact the other man just a couple days ago. She can become very angry and have rage attacks over just the smallest things. Our son is struggling so hard to keep his marriage together but it's hard when the other person has not, as of yet, shown any remorse for the pain she's caused to him, to us ... well really to all who love her. They have two small children who witness her behavior and that's just so hard for me to watch happen.
My questions are; "Even though the mania is what drives the destructive behavior is there still something in the person that chooses to engage in the destructive behavior?" Secondly, "How does my son move past the pain and hurt of this betrayal? How does he just go on and say; "oh well it's just the bipolar - it's not her fault?" He has protected and loved her for over two years of destructive behavior but I just don't know if he can push past this. She's cost him so much and is, so far, showing no real remorse for what he's been through. It's very hard to forgive someone who doesn't seem to really feel sorry for what they've done.
I love her so much and I miss the girl she used to be. It's been kind of like a death for us. I pray she'll come back to us but even then the damage has been so severe I don't know if things will ever be the same.
Please pray for us that God will give us His grace, His heart of mercy but also His wisdom in all of this. It's so painful on so many levels.
Gracealone

 

[Loven God]

If she has just started tretment give her some time for it to start working and it may take a while for them to find the right mixe she will need . Is she seeing a psychristist and a therapist ? If not she needs to . But there does come a time when we have to take responsobilty for what we do . It took me five yeares to see what i was doing wrong but then I wnt to thoses I hurt and asked for forgiveness , some forgave and some did not but I made my ameands and started on with my life . She will reach that point to but there is no telling how long that will take or it may never happen everyone that has bipolar is diffrent . I will be praying for you .

 

[gracealone]

Thank you Loven God,
She has just started treatment. She's see a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a behavioral therapist and a nurse. She has the added illnesses of OCD and thyroid disorder so meds. are pretty tricky. Right now, I'm very concerned as she's still on 40 mgs of Prozac for the OCD along with 25 mgs of Seroquel. I think she's scared to death to wean down off the Prozac because of the OCD. But I doubt she's going to stop having manic episodes until she does. We are trying to be patient with her but this has and is wreaking unbelievable havoc in all our lives. My husbands health is decline due to the stress of it all and I have to protect him. Please pray that we can get them in their own place very soon even if that means my husband and I have to go into deep debt to do it. I just need some time apart from it all in order to recoup and jump back into the fray. Please understand that I love her very deeply and I want to see her healthy and living the abundant life in Christ. This is a very isolating situation because so few in the church understand or empathize with mental illness. It's always about sin in their eyes so you get little support for the person who is suffering. But thank God for a new organization called Mental Health Grace Alliance. They've been just awesome in guiding us thus far via emails. Check the out if you get a chance. God is doing great things through their ministry to the mentally ill and the families of mentally ill people.
Thank you for responding to me. It's just comforting to hear from folk who understand bipolar.
God Bless.
Mitzi

If she has just started tretment give her some time for it to start working and it may take a while for them to find the right mixe she will need . Is she seeing a psychristist and a therapist ? If not she needs to . But there does come a time when we have to take responsobilty for what we do . It took me five yeares to see what i was doing wrong but then I wnt to thoses I hurt and asked for forgiveness , some forgave and some did not but I made my ameands and started on with my life . She will reach that point to but there is no telling how long that will take or it may never happen everyone that has bipolar is diffrent . I will be praying for you .

 

[Loven God]

I know God can do great things , keep the faith and keep prarying , things will get better but you have to hang in the and keep the faith . It will be a very bumpy road ahead but in God's streangth you can do it .

 

[RisingSpirit]

Pretty unfair that America looks at disability as possible caution of people that could harm children with guns. Look at what happen to the Muslims during 9/11. Some got killed for no reason due to their faith.

 

[vocalyocal]

Hi,
I'm new to this forum. I'm not a stranger to mental illness as I suffer from OCD/Panic disorder. I understand how hard it is to not engage in the compulsive side of my disorder so I'm thinking it's probably equally as hard for the bipolar person to control their behavior when in a manic state. My daughter in law was just diagnosed bipolar this week. She went from being a loving, supportive wife and mother over the past two years to behaving like a rebellious teen; drinking, partying and finally even commiting infidelity. Our son was a Pastor and due to the small town factor of where they lived her behavior became too public and the church actually had to dismiss him in spite of the fact that he was doing such a great job for them. They are now homeless, jobless and living with us. Even though she's started treatment she still tried to contact the other man just a couple days ago. She can become very angry and have rage attacks over just the smallest things. Our son is struggling so hard to keep his marriage together but it's hard when the other person has not, as of yet, shown any remorse for the pain she's caused to him, to us ... well really to all who love her. They have two small children who witness her behavior and that's just so hard for me to watch happen.
My questions are; "Even though the mania is what drives the destructive behavior is there still something in the person that chooses to engage in the destructive behavior?" Secondly, "How does my son move past the pain and hurt of this betrayal? How does he just go on and say; "oh well it's just the bipolar - it's not her fault?" He has protected and loved her for over two years of destructive behavior but I just don't know if he can push past this. She's cost him so much and is, so far, showing no real remorse for what he's been through. It's very hard to forgive someone who doesn't seem to really feel sorry for what they've done.
I love her so much and I miss the girl she used to be. It's been kind of like a death for us. I pray she'll come back to us but even then the damage has been so severe I don't know if things will ever be the same.
Please pray for us that God will give us His grace, His heart of mercy but also His wisdom in all of this. It's so painful on so many levels.
Gracealone

Its funny how in todays world everything is diagnosed as a disorder, and a perscription is filled, when in Jesus time the person just had an evil spirit and they would cast the spirit out

not to mention how incredibly common mental illnesses are diagnosed everyday, it should be considered a pandemic of brain disease

 

[gracealone]

Lots of illnesses are incredibly common. Heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes. This is due to genetics and nothing more than that. The brain is just as suspectible to illness as the heart is, or the pancreas or the liver or any other organ in the body. The brain is a flesh and blood organ that functions with neurotransmitters and chemical messengers. Those things can be insufficient or unbalanced in some of our brains and correcting that via medication can provide help for many of us.
Mental illness is real. It is also very treatable and what is truly sad is when folk in the church accuse the sufferer of having a demon.
I have a mental illness myself and I thank the Lord that He helped me to educate myself about it as to treatment and practical lifestyle changes.
But mostly I thank the Lord that He taught me about the sufficency of His grace and strength in and through my illness - my weakness.
His grace and strength will be there for my daughter in law also. And because of the grace and mercy He has shown me I will show her the same. I am called to do so rather than to stick my nose up in the air in superiority and judgement just because I don't happen to have bipolar disorder.
This post made me very sad.
Gracealone

Its funny how in todays world everything is diagnosed as a disorder, and a perscription is filled, when in Jesus time the person just had an evil spirit and they would cast the spirit out

not to mention how incredibly common mental illnesses are diagnosed everyday, it should be considered a pandemic of brain disease

 

[Loven God]

gracealone , you said it all . All of your words are so true. Bipolare illness is so real and never should be compared to as having a evil spirit . It is sad when people think that way .

 

[gracealone]

Thank you Loven God,
No one can understand the suffering of a mental illness unless they've experienced it. We beat ourselves up enough about it so when other's attack and accuse it can really throw us into a pit of depression and self loathing.
I'm glad you're on this forum encouraging and comforting other's by sharing about your own experiences of living with bipolar.
It's a true ministry to do so.
Blessings! Mitzi

gracealone , you said it all . All of your words are so true. Bipolare illness is so real and never should be compared to as having a evil spirit . It is sad when people think that way .

 

[Loven God]

Grace alone , I do spend a lot of my time shareing about being bipolar with others , I do not try to hide it , I just pray that what I share helps others . People need to know it is nothing to be ashamed of and the more they can learen about it the better they can understand .

 

[quietpraiyze]

I saw your post the other day but I thought I would take some time and just pray about what to say. Mental illness is such a painful experience regardless of whether your the person with the illness or a loved one who is trying to be there. Not only is it painful, it’s also very DRAINING. I say that as a person who has suffered with bipolar w/ psychotic features for over 30 years now. It took me about 10 years to bottom out. It didn’t help that I was going to a church that really wasn’t supportive of me taking medication not to mention superstitious and such. Come to find out 10 years is very text book. I don’t know if part of it is youth and that whole invincible thing but on average it takes us about 10 years to “get it”. It would be nice if we as bipolars could just take our meds, come back into balance, maintain and go with life but it doesn’t work like that. I can remember being very selfish by not taking my meds. I didn’t call it that then but that’s what it was.

I don’t know about your daughter-in-law’s behaviors because like Loven God said we’re all different. I know for me having sex is a rational act. As a bipolar I’ve never had sex during an episode because my episodes are irrational. It’s like this, if I can tell you I’m having an episode then I’m NOT having an episode. On the other hand bipolars are “hypersexual”. You may want to google bipolar and hypersexual. Doctors know it’s real but many don’t talk about it. I can’t speak on the adultury issue. Hopefully someone who knows about that will PM you. I would venture to say if she’s doing the adolescent thing, your daughter-in-law knows what she‘s doing. There is such a thing as “manic amnesia” but that is usually accompanied with a hospitalization. Your son may need to take the children and separate from her until she can make better choices. I don’t know it’s a hard one. What I do know is that your son does not have to accept abuse. What kind of support does your son have besides you(family)?

The most I can tell you is that you need to take care of yourself, know what you can give, and have boundaries that you are willing to enforce. You don’t have to be held hostage. It's okay to not be available until you're able to be. Keep a paper trail on her and document. You don’t know if you will have to do an involuntary commitment of her. Don’t be afraid to call police and Mental Health Professionals (MHP) if she even remotely appears to be a danger to herself, your son, or those children. If she doesn’t take her meds then what are the consequences that you can enforce? There are children involved here. What are you doing for the children and what are you willing to do regarding them? Have you been to any support groups for family members?

I think whatever you guys decide to do you should have a united front so that your daughter-in-law knows this is where you all draw the line. Don’t allow her to manipulate you with her illness. Us bipolars can be responsible and make right choices. We might have to lose everything/everybody, have several hospitalizations and be court ordered to take our meds but some of us have to go that route. Don’t be afraid of that. That’s just the way it is sometimes. If that's her route let her take it and you'll see her on the other side. The good thing is that God doesn’t give up on us. By the time it’s all said and done He may be the only one but He’s all we need. I’m a witness to that. So you stay encouraged. You have a big heart and you love your daughter-in-law very much but God loves her more and he sees the end from the beginning. God is the lifter of your head. You can trust Him and you can rest in Him. You can trust God with daughter-in-law and you can release her into His loving care. I’m praying for you along with everyone else.

I hope I’ve said something that can help you.

 

[gracealone]

Hi quietpraiyze, Thank you for your insightful and practical counsel and for your prayers. We are getting counsel from folk who have dealt with bipolar spouses who have committed infidelity while in mania. I agree that there is definitely a choice, even with the mania and that there are consequences that have to be lived with. We are setting up boundaries and expecting her full cooperation with treatment. This is hard for her because it means treating her like a child but until she's stabilized we have no other choice. My Son gets the full brunt of her anger as these boundaries are put in place but then when she's calmer she realizes he has no choice.
She's just started meds. so we have a long road ahead.
Thank you for being so honest and open with me.
God Bless,
Mitzi

I saw your post the other day but I thought I would take some time and just pray about what to say. Mental illness is such a painful experience regardless of whether your the person with the illness or a loved one who is trying to be there. Not only is it painful, it’s also very DRAINING. I say that as a person who has suffered with bipolar w/ psychotic features for over 30 years now. It took me about 10 years to bottom out. It didn’t help that I was going to a church that really wasn’t supportive of me taking medication not to mention superstitious and such. Come to find out 10 years is very text book. I don’t know if part of it is youth and that whole invincible thing but on average it takes us about 10 years to “get it”. It would be nice if we as bipolars could just take our meds, come back into balance, maintain and go with life but it doesn’t work like that. I can remember being very selfish by not taking my meds. I didn’t call it that then but that’s what it was.

I don’t know about your daughter-in-law’s behaviors because like Loven God said we’re all different. I know for me having sex is a rational act. As a bipolar I’ve never had sex during an episode because my episodes are irrational. It’s like this, if I can tell you I’m having an episode then I’m NOT having an episode. On the other hand bipolars are “hypersexual”. You may want to google bipolar and hypersexual. Doctors know it’s real but many don’t talk about it. I can’t speak on the adultury issue. Hopefully someone who knows about that will PM you. I would venture to say if she’s doing the adolescent thing, your daughter-in-law knows what she‘s doing. There is such a thing as “manic amnesia” but that is usually accompanied with a hospitalization. Your son may need to take the children and separate from her until she can make better choices. I don’t know it’s a hard one. What I do know is that your son does not have to accept abuse. What kind of support does your son have besides you(family)?

The most I can tell you is that you need to take care of yourself, know what you can give, and have boundaries that you are willing to enforce. You don’t have to be held hostage. It's okay to not be available until you're able to be. Keep a paper trail on her and document. You don’t know if you will have to do an involuntary commitment of her. Don’t be afraid to call police and Mental Health Professionals (MHP) if she even remotely appears to be a danger to herself, your son, or those children. If she doesn’t take her meds then what are the consequences that you can enforce? There are children involved here. What are you doing for the children and what are you willing to do regarding them? Have you been to any support groups for family members?

I think whatever you guys decide to do you should have a united front so that your daughter-in-law knows this is where you all draw the line. Don’t allow her to manipulate you with her illness. Us bipolars can be responsible and make right choices. We might have to lose everything/everybody, have several hospitalizations and be court ordered to take our meds but some of us have to go that route. Don’t be afraid of that. That’s just the way it is sometimes. If that's her route let her take it and you'll see her on the other side. The good thing is that God doesn’t give up on us. By the time it’s all said and done He may be the only one but He’s all we need. I’m a witness to that. So you stay encouraged. You have a big heart and you love your daughter-in-law very much but God loves her more and he sees the end from the beginning. God is the lifter of your head. You can trust Him and you can rest in Him. You can trust God with daughter-in-law and you can release her into His loving care. I’m praying for you along with everyone else.

I hope I’ve said something that can help you.

 

[Hannah66]

HI gracealone, reading this post several years later. How is your daughter doing? My former husband (has suspected bipolar). He hasn't been diagnosed but his behaviour has been close to it.He left me three years ago.He's a christian and wonderful man, but went from being a wonderful person to the same as your daughter-inlaw.He divorced me late last year and had many affairs (while we were separated) I have been crushed. I don't know who he is and I have known him for over twenty years. I often wonder if it is part of his will to do this. I am confused.He just dumped me and has no remorse or sympathy and has walked away from God. He never saw my hurt. I chose to forgive him which has helped me considerably. I just miss him...My life feels so different without him now.