Miscarriage

[skalle]

I have a major mental illness. I had a series of hospitalizations for it ten years ago, and it put incredible strain on my wife. After I was released and was home for a few weeks, my wife told me she had been pregnant about two months and had a miscarriage while I was inpatient. I honestly didn't think much of it at the time. Though I was out of the hospital, I was still very ill, and I figured I was ill-equipped to be a father, anyway.

My grandmother had a heart attack a week ago, and she has told me a number of times that she hopes to live long enough to see a great-grandchild. Well, I thought about that after visiting her in the hospital, and then I remembered. She did have a great-grandchild, and because my wife was so stressed about my illness, we lost the child. Worse yet, my wife was completely alone when it happened, while I was locked away on some psych ward. Who did she have to talk to? And to think, that child would be ten now.

I just can't stop thinking about it. I know, I know, it's nobody's fault. But I can't help thinking that it really is. I know I should tell my wife this, but how do I tell her that I finally started mourning this child after ten years? She has never brought this miscarriage up since, not once. I don't know if it's because she's gotten over it or if it's because she just can't talk about it. Either way, it seems likely to hurt her if I mention it. I guess I'm just trying to get past this without rocking the boat. I'm better than I was a week ago. I was on the way home from the hospital after seeing my grandma, and I just couldn't stop crying. That hasn't happened since.

I dunno. What do I make of all this? Should I just try to let it go? I mean, it was ten years ago, and we have since decided that we aren't going to have kids; we plan to foster and/or adopt instead. Just what do I do?

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

Thanks for sharing your situation and experience with us. Is it possible that your wife hasn't spoken with this with you because she hasn't wanted to put you in a difficult place? Perhaps she has healed from it, but most likely she struggles around the anniversary of the miscarriage. Many women do, and that's common. What do you think would happen if you spoke to your wife about it? Have you considered participating in a support group yourself for children who were lost? You local hospital may have referrals to a group for miscarried babies.

It's okay for you to grieve now that you are ready to deal with the loss of your child. Only you can decide if you should bring it up to your wife... depending on your marriage. Even though I may have thoughts about it, I'm not in your shoes and really couldn't advise you one way or another. Hopefully God will lead you in knowing if the the door is open for you to share with her or ask her about it. He's the one who knows all in your life.

 

[skalle]

I'm not sure why she hasn't spoken about it, to be honest. The better part of me thinks that she just moved on. She was very nonchalant about it when she told me, though I wonder if that was because she didn't want to aggravate my illness. I don't even know the exact anniversary of when it happened. My memory of the period is very fuzzy -- indeed, almost non-existent -- because I received a lot of electroconvulsive therapy (aka "shock treatments") while I was hospitalized. My thinking is that it's better to just leave it alone. My wife works full-time and also runs her own business on the side, so she is often very stressed. She doesn't need to go through this again.

I brought this up in my NAMI support group, and the leader also suggested that I might go to a grieving group. I don't know. First of all, I'm worried that being in that kind of setting will intensify the grief instead of alleviating it. Second of all, my wife and I do not generally go places without telling each other where we're going, and I don't want to tell her I'm going to a support group for a child we lost ten years ago... that forces the exact conversation that I don't want to have to begin with. That's kind of why I posted here. Maybe somebody else who has lost a child has some insight on how to deal with it.

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

I'm really glad you posted and are seeking support.