I have a major mental illness. I had a series of hospitalizations for it ten years ago, and it put incredible strain on my wife. After I was released and was home for a few weeks, my wife told me she had been pregnant about two months and had a miscarriage while I was inpatient. I honestly didn't think much of it at the time. Though I was out of the hospital, I was still very ill, and I figured I was ill-equipped to be a father, anyway.
My grandmother had a heart attack a week ago, and she has told me a number of times that she hopes to live long enough to see a great-grandchild. Well, I thought about that after visiting her in the hospital, and then I remembered. She did have a great-grandchild, and because my wife was so stressed about my illness, we lost the child. Worse yet, my wife was completely alone when it happened, while I was locked away on some psych ward. Who did she have to talk to? And to think, that child would be ten now.
I just can't stop thinking about it. I know, I know, it's nobody's fault. But I can't help thinking that it really is. I know I should tell my wife this, but how do I tell her that I finally started mourning this child after ten years? She has never brought this miscarriage up since, not once. I don't know if it's because she's gotten over it or if it's because she just can't talk about it. Either way, it seems likely to hurt her if I mention it. I guess I'm just trying to get past this without rocking the boat. I'm better than I was a week ago. I was on the way home from the hospital after seeing my grandma, and I just couldn't stop crying. That hasn't happened since.
I dunno. What do I make of all this? Should I just try to let it go? I mean, it was ten years ago, and we have since decided that we aren't going to have kids; we plan to foster and/or adopt instead. Just what do I do?
My grandmother had a heart attack a week ago, and she has told me a number of times that she hopes to live long enough to see a great-grandchild. Well, I thought about that after visiting her in the hospital, and then I remembered. She did have a great-grandchild, and because my wife was so stressed about my illness, we lost the child. Worse yet, my wife was completely alone when it happened, while I was locked away on some psych ward. Who did she have to talk to? And to think, that child would be ten now.
I just can't stop thinking about it. I know, I know, it's nobody's fault. But I can't help thinking that it really is. I know I should tell my wife this, but how do I tell her that I finally started mourning this child after ten years? She has never brought this miscarriage up since, not once. I don't know if it's because she's gotten over it or if it's because she just can't talk about it. Either way, it seems likely to hurt her if I mention it. I guess I'm just trying to get past this without rocking the boat. I'm better than I was a week ago. I was on the way home from the hospital after seeing my grandma, and I just couldn't stop crying. That hasn't happened since.
I dunno. What do I make of all this? Should I just try to let it go? I mean, it was ten years ago, and we have since decided that we aren't going to have kids; we plan to foster and/or adopt instead. Just what do I do?