Hi, my name is Mila and I'm a junior in high school. I've been depressed for years- maybe my whole life but I don't remember that far, I do remember being depressed when I was as young as six years old but it could have been longer than that- but lately it's gotten even worse. I finally told my mom about it (she had suspected I had been sad recently but didn't know about the magnitude and length of the problem, and I still didn't tell her how bad it really is (thinking suicidal thoughts multiple times a day, although I am able to resist actually killing myself, thankfully). Anyways, I am going to see a psychiatrist sometime soon once we find one in our area.
While I definitely believe there is a medical (chemical imbalance in the brain) aspect to my depression because I have had depression for so long, I have also led a very antisocial life. I've always been very shy which I suspect is part genetics and part due to the lack of socialization I had as a child (which was mainly my direct family but sometimes we saw relatives, but rarely did I come in contact with strangers or other children), and maybe part depression as well. But the point is that I feel like I have no real friends, and that makes my depression that much worse. Literally, throughout school I have only ever gone to two people's houses (and haven't hung out with anyone outside of school excluding these two times); once was a birthday party of another girl in kindergarten, and another was in sixth grade when I went trick or treating with someone (we were never that close though and she isn't really the type of person I'd like to hang out with; we don't have the same values at all). I do sit with several people at lunch but they are all close with each other and I'm kind of the odd one out. The truth is the people I sit with at lunch aren't really the type of people I think I'd want to be close friends with; they're not the nicest or most moral people (though they are pretty nice, just not exactly my values) and I find them kind of boring to be honest. I just sit with them because they're not popular (which would intimidate me) and I've been sitting with them for a couple of years so they accept me, even though we're not close.
I want to be like other people and have at least one or two friends that I can really count on and trust and hang out with often. And I want to be able to talk to- and hopefully hang out with- some other people that are also friends but just not as close on occasion too. I just don't know how to make friends. I'm so shy. I try to join in conversations of other people when they're nearby, but I sit there thinking of how to say hi or join in and I usually just can't. When I do comment or say something, they do acknowledge me but usually just go back to their own conversation, ignoring me. Sometimes, they don't even hear me because I have a very quiet voice (not only is it naturally quiet, it is also kind of hard for me to speak much louder)! I have so little experience with talking with people outside of my family and also have pretty low self esteem. Plus, everyone in the school, excluding 3 or 4 kids who choose to be loners, and one other very shy person, has a ton of friends. They all have a close group who they are really tight with but then also hang out with tons of other people frequently too. I'm not making this up; they post pictures every day to Instagram or Twitter and talk about it the next day; what they did with friends, their packed schedules, et cetera. A lot of people do talk to me, but just as acquanitences, in passing, then they go on to their real friends. When other people are talking in class or in the hall or whenever I usually just have to awkardly sit there and pretend I have something to do. No one hardly ever starts a conversation with me. No one has asked me for my phone number or to do something with them outside of school (aside from those two times I talked about earlier when I went to their houses). I think everyone kind of thinks I hang out with someone else, which is good because I don't want to be even more embarrassed, but it's still sad. Most other people already have busy schedules and already have a lot of established, good friendships, so I feel like they wouldn't have time for another friendship; and after all, why would they make time, since they already have so many other friends? And it certainly seems that way because like I said, no one has ever shown interest in getting my cell phone number or asked me to do something with them. Not that I could even give them a cell phone number- I don't have one, and I also don't have interest access at home- but this just further makes me believe no one really finds me fun to be around or wants to be my friend. There are many times where I've overheard kids talking to other kids who I didn't even think were friends at all (certainly they are not close friends) about something they did the night before or that weekend or plans for that evening or whatever. And I don't even have one friend. It seems strange to me because I'm always so nice, and I try to be funny sometimes and I try to make people happy and always help others out and when they're upset about something I try to help them, but there are really mean people who have lots of friends and I, who always put others before me, don't even have any.
My high school is pretty small- about 350 kids- which I think makes it harder for me. Most people know most other people (at least are aware of their name) and already have established friendships and I feel like they would think it strange if I suddenly started trying to hang out with them, because they'll know I'm not new to the school and would wonder why I don't just stick with my own friends (which are nonexistant). I also think it's harder with a small school because people always say you should join a club, or several, doing things you are interested in, but the problem is the options here, aside from sports which I'm terrible at, are very limited (drama, Spanish club- in which they literally don't do anything all year, National Honors Society, and band and choir). Those just aren't my interests or talents so that wouldn't really work (I could be in National Honors Society due to my grades but I'm not interested in it)..
Thanks for reading this and maybe replying. I know this isn't strictly a Christian topic but I would still love any advice or encouragement you have; thank you. I bet my psychiatrist will be able to help me somewhat with this, but I just want to see if I can get any other help.
While I definitely believe there is a medical (chemical imbalance in the brain) aspect to my depression because I have had depression for so long, I have also led a very antisocial life. I've always been very shy which I suspect is part genetics and part due to the lack of socialization I had as a child (which was mainly my direct family but sometimes we saw relatives, but rarely did I come in contact with strangers or other children), and maybe part depression as well. But the point is that I feel like I have no real friends, and that makes my depression that much worse. Literally, throughout school I have only ever gone to two people's houses (and haven't hung out with anyone outside of school excluding these two times); once was a birthday party of another girl in kindergarten, and another was in sixth grade when I went trick or treating with someone (we were never that close though and she isn't really the type of person I'd like to hang out with; we don't have the same values at all). I do sit with several people at lunch but they are all close with each other and I'm kind of the odd one out. The truth is the people I sit with at lunch aren't really the type of people I think I'd want to be close friends with; they're not the nicest or most moral people (though they are pretty nice, just not exactly my values) and I find them kind of boring to be honest. I just sit with them because they're not popular (which would intimidate me) and I've been sitting with them for a couple of years so they accept me, even though we're not close.
I want to be like other people and have at least one or two friends that I can really count on and trust and hang out with often. And I want to be able to talk to- and hopefully hang out with- some other people that are also friends but just not as close on occasion too. I just don't know how to make friends. I'm so shy. I try to join in conversations of other people when they're nearby, but I sit there thinking of how to say hi or join in and I usually just can't. When I do comment or say something, they do acknowledge me but usually just go back to their own conversation, ignoring me. Sometimes, they don't even hear me because I have a very quiet voice (not only is it naturally quiet, it is also kind of hard for me to speak much louder)! I have so little experience with talking with people outside of my family and also have pretty low self esteem. Plus, everyone in the school, excluding 3 or 4 kids who choose to be loners, and one other very shy person, has a ton of friends. They all have a close group who they are really tight with but then also hang out with tons of other people frequently too. I'm not making this up; they post pictures every day to Instagram or Twitter and talk about it the next day; what they did with friends, their packed schedules, et cetera. A lot of people do talk to me, but just as acquanitences, in passing, then they go on to their real friends. When other people are talking in class or in the hall or whenever I usually just have to awkardly sit there and pretend I have something to do. No one hardly ever starts a conversation with me. No one has asked me for my phone number or to do something with them outside of school (aside from those two times I talked about earlier when I went to their houses). I think everyone kind of thinks I hang out with someone else, which is good because I don't want to be even more embarrassed, but it's still sad. Most other people already have busy schedules and already have a lot of established, good friendships, so I feel like they wouldn't have time for another friendship; and after all, why would they make time, since they already have so many other friends? And it certainly seems that way because like I said, no one has ever shown interest in getting my cell phone number or asked me to do something with them. Not that I could even give them a cell phone number- I don't have one, and I also don't have interest access at home- but this just further makes me believe no one really finds me fun to be around or wants to be my friend. There are many times where I've overheard kids talking to other kids who I didn't even think were friends at all (certainly they are not close friends) about something they did the night before or that weekend or plans for that evening or whatever. And I don't even have one friend. It seems strange to me because I'm always so nice, and I try to be funny sometimes and I try to make people happy and always help others out and when they're upset about something I try to help them, but there are really mean people who have lots of friends and I, who always put others before me, don't even have any.
My high school is pretty small- about 350 kids- which I think makes it harder for me. Most people know most other people (at least are aware of their name) and already have established friendships and I feel like they would think it strange if I suddenly started trying to hang out with them, because they'll know I'm not new to the school and would wonder why I don't just stick with my own friends (which are nonexistant). I also think it's harder with a small school because people always say you should join a club, or several, doing things you are interested in, but the problem is the options here, aside from sports which I'm terrible at, are very limited (drama, Spanish club- in which they literally don't do anything all year, National Honors Society, and band and choir). Those just aren't my interests or talents so that wouldn't really work (I could be in National Honors Society due to my grades but I'm not interested in it)..
Thanks for reading this and maybe replying. I know this isn't strictly a Christian topic but I would still love any advice or encouragement you have; thank you. I bet my psychiatrist will be able to help me somewhat with this, but I just want to see if I can get any other help.
