Is it ever OK to lie to children?

[LovebirdsFlying]

I asked this question originally on my Facebook page, but I thought it might make for good discussion here too.

Out of curiosity, a parenting ethics question: Do you believe it's OK to lie to children in order to get them to behave, or to not ask for something? I'm thinking along the lines of the ice cream truck only plays music when it's out of ice cream. Some place they want to go to is closed, when in fact it's open but you don't want to take them. You're allergic to dogs, when you merely don't want one. The food you don't want to share tastes awful. Some activity is illegal and they could be jailed for it, when you simply don't want them to do it. Some dangerous animal that the child is afraid of just happens to live somewhere that you don't want the child to go.

I'm thinking that the old standby of "let's have a contest to see who can be quiet the longest" might also fall into this category, since we all know it's nothing but a ruse to get the kids to shut up for a while.

What is your opinion?

 

[Tolworth John]

Do you believe it's OK to lie to children in order to get them to behave, or to not ask for something?

No it is never OK to lie, whether to adults or to children.

Treat them with the same respect you expect from them.

 

[mama2one]

we didn't "do Santa"
most adoptive parents on an adoptive forum I was on said we couldn't lie to our children/make up stories re Santa

we needed to establish trust with our children
why can't parents tell the truth to their kids?

 

[Nithavela]

Terry Pratchett was a proponent of "lies for children", which are basically truths, but broken down so far that they're not really true, but just versions of the truth that can be understood and which are meant to be replaced with more accurate versions of the truth in the future.

Any other kind of lies only result in children no longer trusting you once they find out.

My parents used to lie to me all the time. This resulted in me no longer believing them, even (and especially) when they said that I did something well. I always assumed I did it badly and they were just saying some white lies. This destroyed a lot of my self-confidence.

 

[mama2one]

I believe it's best to tell the truth
kids are smart & they can handle the truth

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

We did "do Santa" at our house, sort of. From the very beginning, I told my children it's a game of make-believe that we play at Christmas time. I have on occasion been called a Scrooge because I never led them to believe it was real, but they didn't miss out on anything. They could hear the stories, sing the songs, visit the mall, write letters asking for what they wanted, watch the TV specials, smile and answer happily when somebody asked them what Santa Claus brought them. The only difference is that they were in on the secret, and they liked that. I did caution them not to tell other children, because that's for their parents to decide.

 

[A_Thinker]

I asked this question originally on my Facebook page, but I thought it might make for good discussion here too.

Out of curiosity, a parenting ethics question: Do you believe it's OK to lie to children in order to get them to behave, or to not ask for something? I'm thinking along the lines of the ice cream truck only plays music when it's out of ice cream. Some place they want to go to is closed, when in fact it's open but you don't want to take them. You're allergic to dogs, when you merely don't want one. The food you don't want to share tastes awful. Some activity is illegal and they could be jailed for it, when you simply don't want them to do it. Some dangerous animal that the child is afraid of just happens to live somewhere that you don't want the child to go.

I'm thinking that the old standby of "let's have a contest to see who can be quiet the longest" might also fall into this category, since we all know it's nothing but a ruse to get the kids to shut up for a while.

What is your opinion?

Lies are always a bit of a shortcut. You're only postponing the day when you'll have to tell the truth ... and/or be caught in a lie.

Telling a child that you prefer a particular outcome ... and will mandate that they comply ... is helping them to deal with the realities of life ... and demonstrating that even parents have a right to have their own preferences.

P.S. I don't think that the "silence game" falls into the arena of lying ...

 

[A_Thinker]

We did "do Santa" at our house, sort of. From the very beginning, I told my children it's a game of make-believe that we play at Christmas time. I have on occasion been called a Scrooge because I never led them to believe it was real, but they didn't miss out on anything. They could hear the stories, sing the songs, visit the mall, write letters asking for what they wanted, watch the TV specials, smile and answer happily when somebody asked them what Santa Claus brought them. The only difference is that they were in on the secret, and they liked that. I did caution them not to tell other children, because that's for their parents to decide.

I agree with this approach ... it just takes a little more time and effort to pull off.

And it avoids the inevitable day when your child discovers that a childhood belief was only make-believe. There's so much make-believe in childrens' lives anyway ... just add Santa to the list ...

 

[Benjamin Müller]

Thou shalt not bear false witness, meaning we don't lie to each other.

Although my mother would tell me if I fell into the pond the alligators would eat me up alive and I'd drown a horrible death. . .but, we live up north where there are no alligators. But hey! I never fell into the pond!

We shouldn't lie to our children, but in practice, it's not going to happen. It's like my dad cracking a joke about how Jews can't eat animal crackers because they depict unclean animals; I totally believed him for about 15 seconds until he smirked.

My mother told me lies to protect me from drowning or getting run over by cars and my dad told me lies as a joke, but he always clarified that he was joking later after he got the expression he wanted out of me.

Christ told parables; they weren't true stories, but allegories. Fairy tales are the same thing to teach kids the dangers of the world. I think ultimately it's based on motive. Telling your child your allergic to a dog when you're not, simply because you don't want one is really selfish. Why not just tell the truth at that point?

My mother lied about the alligators, but I was a child and understood what an alligator was. I didn't understand drowning, so she had to use a fear tactic that I understood to protect me. She used a 'fairy-tale'. My dad just liked to joke, and they were harmless jokes, and he never let me go on believing the joke was true. He always, always clarified that.

Lying breaks trust, but not all lies break trust. When I came to understand what my mother was doing, I trusted her more. I knew she did those things out of concern and love, not out of her own selfish motives. I'm my father's clone, so I can greatly appreciate his humor. Their 'lies' didn't damage me in anyway.

It's a fine line using lies in parenting. In this world, lying to your kids is going to happen. But like I said the motive behind the lie is everything.

And by the way, I still think my dad's animal cracker joke is funny.

 

[Mink61]

I asked this question originally on my Facebook page, but I thought it might make for good discussion here too.

Out of curiosity, a parenting ethics question: Do you believe it's OK to lie to children in order to get them to behave, or to not ask for something? I'm thinking along the lines of the ice cream truck only plays music when it's out of ice cream. Some place they want to go to is closed, when in fact it's open but you don't want to take them. You're allergic to dogs, when you merely don't want one. The food you don't want to share tastes awful. Some activity is illegal and they could be jailed for it, when you simply don't want them to do it. Some dangerous animal that the child is afraid of just happens to live somewhere that you don't want the child to go.

I'm thinking that the old standby of "let's have a contest to see who can be quiet the longest" might also fall into this category, since we all know it's nothing but a ruse to get the kids to shut up for a while.

What is your opinion?

The lies you described above are self-serving. I mean, why couldn't a parent simply tell the child that they don't want to give the child ice cream? Or simply tell the child that they don't want to get a dog?

I think motive is important. For example, if you don't want to get a dog, WHY don't you want a dog? Why can't you TELL the child why you don't want to get a dog?

I understand that some parents will lie simply because they don't want to take the time to explain themselves.

 

[mama2one]

In this world, lying to your kids is going to happen.

no, not in this house
there's no reason to lie, ever

husband & I also decided from beginning
"say what we mean" and "mean what we say"

 

[Benjamin Müller]

no, not in this house
there's no reason to lie, ever

husband & I also decided from beginning
"say what we mean" and "mean what we say"

Perhaps you didn't read my post thoroughly? I'm not saying people should lie for any reason, I was focusing on jokes and or fairy-tales. Those were, in all technicality lies, and so in a sense lying can be unavoidable at times.

Honestly, I have a hard time believing ANY parent is 100% truthful with their kid. We are human, after all. Anyone who says 'I never lied to my kids' is lying. Lol.

It's good to have the set goal to never lie, but I don't believe a parent is going to go through 18+ years of their kids life without saying something untrue, whether it be a joke or a fairy-tale. We're human; we're going to sin.

 

[mama2one]

tmi

 

[Benjamin Müller]

@mama2one

Then I hope you agree telling kids Santa exists is wrong. This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves in Christianity: letting kids believe in Santa.

 

[mama2one]

Then I hope you agree telling kids Santa exists is wrong.

we didn't do Santa
my first post on this thread!

 

[Benjamin Müller]

@mama2one

I'm having trouble with the link.

 

[Benjamin Müller]

even if it will hurt your feelings...I tell the brutal truth

Ha ha. Yup! Everyone comes to me for an honest opinion because they know I'll tell them exactly what I think.

 

[Nithavela]

you'd be wrong in this case
I can't lie

when I was 6, got beat for a lie...got hit over & over & over

I was shy & didn't stand up one day to get counted for milk
of all days, mom asked me if I got my milk & then said "wait 'til dad comes home"

getting beat so bad was worst day of my life
he said "you'll never lie again"
so no, I don't lie....EVER

even if it will hurt your feelings...I tell the brutal truth

That sounds like child abuse.

 

[bèlla]

Uncomfortable truths was an integral part of my daughter’s upbringing. Revelations were given with age and maturity in mind. Mistakes were important teaching points. Mine, hers, loved ones, and characters in films. I used the latter to reinforce the principles of wisdom, discernment, character, and consequences.

Telling the truth isn’t hard because I wasn’t seeking admiration, living vicariously through my offspring, or desiring a doppelganger. Life isn’t always neat and tidy. Unpleasant things occur, failures happen, and people disappoint us. Shielding her from the truth is pointless.

We have a close relationship and share a lot. I attribute that to our beginning and regard for one another.

~bella

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I'm thinking of a couple of lies that were pulled (not by me) on my children. Picture this: We had recently moved. One of our new neighbors, a retired man, arrived to help us repair the lamp post in our front yard. Nice of him, but he felt a need to tell my then three-year-old that she'd better stay on the front porch because the grass is crawling with snakes. This, he said because obviously he wanted her out of the way while he's working. Rest assured, there were no snakes in our front yard.

However, my daughter's favorite bedtime story just happened to be "Rikki Tikki Tavi." Very not afraid of snakes, and she informed him of this fact.

"Well, you'd better be, because they'll bite you." With this, he has gone beyond simply keeping a child on the porch and out of his way, and is trying to implant a phobia. Not cool. But I didn't need to say a word, because my bold three-year-old looked right at him and said scornfully, "Mister Neighbor. Don't pull my leg." And I saw no need to rebuke her for talking back to an adult, because doggone it, he had it coming.

She did, by the way, stay on the porch and out of his way. Not because she was afraid of some non-existent threat of snakes, but because I merely told her to. That's all that was necessary.

Same child, different neighbor. "You kids better behave yourselves, or else a police officer's going to come by and shoot you with his gun." Yeah, that's the thing to tell a preschooler, isn't it? This one resolved itself because my child and I happened to be watching a rerun of CHIPS when she herself noticed the recurring pattern in the plot, and made the connection. Somebody is in danger, somebody has a serious problem, and look, here come the police officers to *help* them. THAT is what they're for. (I know the real world doesn't always work like that.)