I Broke Up With Him

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years this past Thursday night. 2 days before that, I learned the devestating truth that he still felt unsure about anything concerning us getting married. So I told him that I thought is was best we ended things. We both cried and I am still heart-broken over it. From what I've heard from 2 mutual friends, he is absolutely miserable, and feels as if he let me down.

I'm not sure whether to hope that he'll come to his "senses" and come back absolutely sure, ready to propose at that moment or very soon...or not. Please don't tell me either. I need to figure this out on my own.

What I don't understand is that he says we're better together than apart, he loves me like crazy/to death, that no one could understand him better, make him laugh more, keep him "in line" better, that no one has loved him like I have, and that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him.

But he's unsure whether to marry me or not. And if it's the right timing, the Lord's will. I don't get it.

I pray one day I'll understand. It's hard to tell if this is just the normal stuff folks go through, or if it's a major personal/spiritual issue for him, OR just a sign from God that we are not to be together. Time will tell though.

I told him we're to have no contact unless he decides he wants a future with me. It's a struggle! I want to text or call him BADLY. I'm determined not to though.

Please pray for us!

 

[Niffer]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years this past Thursday night. 2 days before that, I learned the devestating truth that he still felt unsure about anything concerning us getting married. So I told him that I thought is was best we ended things. We both cried and I am still heart-broken over it. From what I've heard from 2 mutual friends, he is absolutely miserable, and feels as if he let me down.

I'm not sure whether to hope that he'll come to his "senses" and come back absolutely sure, ready to propose at that moment or very soon...or not. Please don't tell me either. I need to figure this out on my own.

What I don't understand is that he says we're better together than apart, he loves me like crazy/to death, that no one could understand him better, make him laugh more, keep him "in line" better, that no one has loved him like I have, and that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him.

But he's unsure whether to marry me or not. And if it's the right timing, the Lord's will. I don't get it.

I pray one day I'll understand. It's hard to tell if this is just the normal stuff folks go through, or if it's a major personal/spiritual issue for him, OR just a sign from God that we are not to be together. Time will tell though.

I told him we're to have no contact unless he decides he wants a future with me. It's a struggle! I want to text or call him BADLY. I'm determined not to though.

Please pray for us!

Now, my question is: Are you still sure you want to marry him?
I ask only because I've read some of your other threads and know a bit of your story with your bf - and how serious commitment like marriage, has always been difficult for him.
You may really love him, and may really want to get married, BUT if he's balking like mad, and now admitted he has no idea how to proceed - even though he knows without a doubt you'd love to marry him...are you so sure it's wise to even accept his proposal if offers it?
You don't want a proposal he feel guilted into, and you definitely don't want to marry someone who doesn't want to be married!
You've been waiting for this proposal for over 2 years now, darlin. And I know you keep holding out, hoping that one day he'll be all into it...but you just can't change people.

I think you're really seeing him, and his character for what it is. And perhaps, as hard as this is...this is God telling you that perhaps, this relationship isn't the one.

I pray things work out for you one way or another, and that you find peace in it.

- Niffer

 

[FaithPrevails]

It sounds as if you've made a difficult, but correct decision. I will be praying for God to reveal His will for this situation to you...sooner than later!

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Thank you, ladies.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Commitment is not difficult with men. If we want to marry you we will let you know. If we don't but we want to keep getting sex from you some men have been known to say, "I'm just not ready yet." or some other wishy washy thing like that to appease you and keep you hoping that we will change our minds.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Commitment is not difficult with men. If we want to marry you we will let you know. If we don't but we want to keep getting sex from you some men have been known to say, "I'm just not ready yet." or some other wishy washy thing like that to appease you and keep you hoping that we will change our minds.

Okie-dokie. He wasn't "getting sex" from me though. Got that? We are both still virgins.

I'm just gonna give it a little time and see what happens, and focus on growing in Christ and as my own person as well. Spend more time with my friends and my family.

I hope he does the same.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Okie-dokie. He wasn't "getting sex" from me though. Got that? We are both still virgins.

I'm just gonna give it a little time and see what happens, and focus on growing in Christ and as my own person as well. Spend more time with my friends and my family.

I hope he does the same.

Good for you. You avoided the curse of an indecisive man. A man will come who is sure he wants to be with you.

 

[Luther073082]

How long has this been going on (Him saying he's not sure if he's ready.)

Also how old is he??

Maybe I'm not up on everything that has gone on but to me it sounds as if you have gone and done something that is a little bit rash...

Listen to me, I was nervous as heck about marrying my wife. The whole idea of, no matter what she does, short of cheating on me, I'm stuck with her made me very nervous. But I still married her.

If he was just trying to share his feelings of nervousness with you and you dumped him. I think you where very rash.

I can understand a nervousness about getting married, I think anyone who really respects marriage for what it is should have that.

But at the same time if everything is finanically fine and he's over the age of 23 and he's sitting on his laurels for several years while you have told him that you want to get married and he's still not decided to pull the trigger, get a ring and ask you to marry him. . . then yeah I understand why you broke up with him. . .

I don't know him but part of me just thinks he needs someone (not you) to tell him. . . Dude get with it, get on the ball, get married. . .

 

[Niffer]

How long has this been going on (Him saying he's not sure if he's ready.)

Also how old is he??

Maybe I'm not up on everything that has gone on but to me it sounds as if you have gone and done something that is a little bit rash...

Listen to me, I was nervous as heck about marrying my wife. The whole idea of, no matter what she does, short of cheating on me, I'm stuck with her made me very nervous. But I still married her.

If he was just trying to share his feelings of nervousness with you and you dumped him. I think you where very rash.

I can understand a nervousness about getting married, I think anyone who really respects marriage for what it is should have that.

But at the same time if everything is finanically fine and he's over the age of 23 and he's sitting on his laurels for several years while you have told him that you want to get married and he's still not decided to pull the trigger, get a ring and ask you to marry him. . . then yeah I understand why you broke up with him. . .

I don't know him but part of me just thinks he needs someone (not you) to tell him. . . Dude get with it, get on the ball, get married. . .

I personally don't think it was rash.
This flip-flopping with him and marriage/commitment has been going on a looong time.
Even so far that he's more or less agreed to a date, eg (engaged by june) and has then backed off.
I think its right of her to let him go - he either needs to man up, or move on.
Her emotions have been all tangled in this for years - no woman deserves to be strung along like this.

- Niffer

 

[Luther073082]

I personally don't think it was rash.
This flip-flopping with him and marriage/commitment has been going on a looong time.
Even so far that he's more or less agreed to a date, eg (engaged by june) and has then backed off.
I think its right of her to let him go - he either needs to man up, or move on.
Her emotions have been all tangled in this for years - no woman deserves to be strung along like this.

- Niffer

The bolded is the key part that I did not know about.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Yeah, Niffer is right. This has been going on for a very long time. Him knowing I wanted to marry him and me feeling ready for it...but he was not doing anything about it. He ACTED like he was ready at times, gave the impression...but then pulled back at the thought of actually making everything a reality.

He sent me a couple of texts today. He obviously misses me. But he didn't go on and on, just said he hadn't been doing well and that me not being with him this weekend hadn't seemed right. Said he'd tried to be ok and enjoy some things, but it hadn't worked well. He thanked me from the bottom of his heart for having confidence in him when he doesn't know which way is up. Also, he said he knows to be so laid back about so much, it must seem like he makes himself freak over some pretty dumb things sometimes.

I didn't ask him to clarify, but I'm really wondering what that last statement means. Is he calling freaking over the future dumb?

I just gave him general replies as much I could, simple, but I told him I cared deeply and was praying for him, and I understood how he feels.

 

[iambren]

Niffer, Faith, I loved your comments.

You have done the right thing to break it off. You wanted resolution and this will take you to that goal. There could be dozens of reasons he can't bring himself to propose, and they might not even be about YOU.

DO NOT HELP HIM. Sometimes breaking up is part of the process of a final union(weird I know). But it could also be God's roadblock preventing you from a WHOLE lot of heartache. I know you must be hurting, this too shall pass, He wants the best for you.

 

[FaithPrevails]

iambren - thanks and on your post.

 

[Luther073082]

Yeah, Niffer is right. This has been going on for a very long time. Him knowing I wanted to marry him and me feeling ready for it...but he was not doing anything about it. He ACTED like he was ready at times, gave the impression...but then pulled back at the thought of actually making everything a reality.

He sent me a couple of texts today. He obviously misses me. But he didn't go on and on, just said he hadn't been doing well and that me not being with him this weekend hadn't seemed right. Said he'd tried to be ok and enjoy some things, but it hadn't worked well. He thanked me from the bottom of his heart for having confidence in him when he doesn't know which way is up. Also, he said he knows to be so laid back about so much, it must seem like he makes himself freak over some pretty dumb things sometimes.

I didn't ask him to clarify, but I'm really wondering what that last statement means. Is he calling freaking over the future dumb?

Not sure what he means. . . but he could be regretting the amount of nervousness about getting married. Instead of just being nervous about it, he freaked out.

Tough thing. . . I hate to see an otherwise good relationship go down the drain. But on the other hand I totally understand you can't wait forever.

Just curious, if he wanted to get married, as in set a date right now, get a ring right away, wanted to get married. . .would you do it or consider it??

Or are things totally past that point for you?

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Not sure what he means. . . but he could be regretting the amount of nervousness about getting married. Instead of just being nervous about it, he freaked out.

Tough thing. . . I hate to see an otherwise good relationship go down the drain. But on the other hand I totally understand you can't wait forever.

Just curious, if he wanted to get married, as in set a date right now, get a ring right away, wanted to get married. . .would you do it or consider it??

Or are things totally past that point for you?

Yes, he COULD be regretting freaking out over getting married. When I asked for my mom's input last night, she said basically the same thing as you.

I hate to see this go down the drain also. It would be an absolute dreadful shame...if he doesn't come around, and we never get married. There's just something RIGHT about us...we fit together like puzzle pieces. It's been like that from very early on.

So, no, I'm not past that point. I would ask him once, "Are you absolutely positive and at peace with this?" If he then told me he was, I'd jump on it in a heartbeat. He's too good to let get away. I actually wouldn't mind if he chose to come back, he had a ring in his pocket and proposed then. He knows my size (I think) and what I like (from asking me to email him pics of rings).

Today he texted my best friend and she let me know that he told her he is truly dealing with this. He didn't want me to think he just said, hey I'll just deal with this later on.

He will be an usher Friday night in our friends' wedding. I'm sure there will be rehearsal tomorrow night. So there, again, will be events (esp a wedding) where I will not be present with him. Our friends already know I won't be there Fri., and understand completely. Maybe these 2 nights will help somehow.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Niffer, Faith, I loved your comments.

You have done the right thing to break it off. You wanted resolution and this will take you to that goal. There could be dozens of reasons he can't bring himself to propose, and they might not even be about YOU.

DO NOT HELP HIM. Sometimes breaking up is part of the process of a final union(weird I know). But it could also be God's roadblock preventing you from a WHOLE lot of heartache. I know you must be hurting, this too shall pass, He wants the best for you.

Thanks, iambren. I do believe this will take me to the goal of resolution. I must have it, whichever way everything turns out. And I know God will be with me all along the way

Also, I don't plan to help him. That is great advice. The night he and I broke up, we talked about that. I told him I didn't think I could help him with this, and he said, "No, I don't think you can." I told him that was ok too, that I'd be in prayer for him. And so I've been praying! For the Lord's will to be done- at times I've had to be careful not to just pray for the way I want things to turn out.

I do hurt, but the pain has lessened a bit the past couple of days. My friends and family have helped a lot with this. God always knows just what we need.

 

[WalksWithChrist]

I've been following the thread and giving this some thought.

My wife and I were together for quite some time (more than 10 years) before we finally got married. It seemed like every factor under the sun (school, moving, preconceptions, family pressure, personal issues...you name it) was working against us getting married.

But we both stuck it out and eventually got married. We've been married now for more than five years and are very happy and even have a little one to show for it.


In the grand scheme of things, the time you have waited really isn't that long honestly. Take the time apart and try to get some perspective yourself and you just might see things a bit differently. I would say the same to him as well since it really seems like he just needs the proper *nudge* to get his rear-end in the game...so to speak.

 

[Luther073082]

I hate to see this go down the drain also. It would be an absolute dreadful shame...if he doesn't come around, and we never get married. There's just something RIGHT about us...we fit together like puzzle pieces. It's been like that from very early on.

So, no, I'm not past that point. I would ask him once, "Are you absolutely positive and at peace with this?" If he then told me he was, I'd jump on it in a heartbeat. He's too good to let get away. I actually wouldn't mind if he chose to come back, he had a ring in his pocket and proposed then. He knows my size (I think) and what I like (from asking me to email him pics of rings).

Today he texted my best friend and she let me know that he told her he is truly dealing with this. He didn't want me to think he just said, hey I'll just deal with this later on.

He will be an usher Friday night in our friends' wedding. I'm sure there will be rehearsal tomorrow night. So there, again, will be events (esp a wedding) where I will not be present with him. Our friends already know I won't be there Fri., and understand completely. Maybe these 2 nights will help somehow.

Have you told him that.

Honestly I would make it very clear and very direct. Its marriage or bust. Just be direct (no hints, guys don't always read girl hints) that if he wants to be with you, all he has to do is get a ring, ask you to marry him and lets set a date within the next 18 months or less and start working on it. If he can't do that then its over for good, if he gets a ring and then cancels without good reason (such as being unsure again) or something its over for good. So if he loves you he'd better be ready to marry you, you've been together too long and he's too old to sit around and be unsure about this all of the time. Either he's gonna do this or he's not.

If you want to read that to paragraph to him, or E-mail that paragraph to him or whatever word for word, then please do. . . just make it absolutly clear that you arn't screwing around with this anymore.

And if after that he can't commit to getting married, then he's had his chance and I don't feel sorry for him.

But I just think he should know he's still got a chance but he's gotta do it right this time, he's gotta do what he should have done a couple of years ago. Its all or nothing, here it is, you decide.

And like I said, if you want to take my words and copy paste them into an E-mail to him and to let him know. Please do... If you want me to I'll even write something to him as a brother in Christ that you can copy paste and that way I can talk to him man to man and tell him, this is it, pull the trigger now.

It sounds like you guys have something great and he's throwing that away because he's being stupid, and I hate to see that happen.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Please don't tell me either.

I need to figure this out on my own.

Here is a Woman far beyond her years (pity old boy did not see that)

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Have you told him that.

Honestly I would make it very clear and very direct. Its marriage or bust. Just be direct (no hints, guys don't always read girl hints) that if he wants to be with you, all he has to do is get a ring, ask you to marry him and lets set a date within the next 18 months or less and start working on it. If he can't do that then its over for good, if he gets a ring and then cancels without good reason (such as being unsure again) or something its over for good. So if he loves you he'd better be ready to marry you, you've been together too long and he's too old to sit around and be unsure about this all of the time. Either he's gonna do this or he's not.

If you want to read that to paragraph to him, or E-mail that paragraph to him or whatever word for word, then please do. . . just make it absolutly clear that you arn't screwing around with this anymore.

And if after that he can't commit to getting married, then he's had his chance and I don't feel sorry for him.

But I just think he should know he's still got a chance but he's gotta do it right this time, he's gotta do what he should have done a couple of years ago. Its all or nothing, here it is, you decide.

And like I said, if you want to take my words and copy paste them into an E-mail to him and to let him know. Please do... If you want me to I'll even write something to him as a brother in Christ that you can copy paste and that way I can talk to him man to man and tell him, this is it, pull the trigger now.

It sounds like you guys have something great and he's throwing that away because he's being stupid, and I hate to see that happen.

Thanks...a million. We DO have something great. I believe it's something from God.

What I told him the night of the break up was that if he chose to come back, he would need to be ready to propose at that moment, or very soon. That was pretty much it though. In the past I've told him that we do not immediately have to begin planning a wedding, or get married (but not drag feet unneccsarily either). Also, I'll add this, people have asked if maybe he'd concerned about the type/cost of ring I may want. He and I agree that we prefer rings mostly in the $300-$800 range. Many of the ones higher than that look a bit gaudy, and are too big for my small fingers. I know for a certain fact he could afford this also. So if this is any kind of "issue", it's a very minor one.

Love your paragraph though! I'm seriously thinking of copying it and pasting it as you suggested to email it to him. From a man, to a man. And so honest. Thank you for your offer to add something else as well. Would you please do that?