Husband seems to have no interest

[savingmyfamily]

I have been married over 10 years. I have two children. My husband is a great person and a believer in Christ. I have a feeling that he has no interest in being my husband or father unless it fits into his schedule. He works all the time and always has. He had picked up all these extra activities which would be fine if...when he was here he was invovled in what the children and I were doing. he seems to have almost no interest in doing things as a family. I feel like he is only here because it is the "right thing to do" He is not a talkitive man so talking to him gets me almost no where. I have prayed about this for years. Any ideas on what I can do?

God Bless

 

[savingmyfamily]

I have been married over 10 years. I have two children. My husband is a great person and a believer in Christ. I have a feeling that he has no interest in being my husband or father unless it fits into his schedule. He works all the time and always has. He had picked up all these extra activities which would be fine if...when he was here he was invovled in what the children and I were doing. he seems to have almost no interest in doing things as a family. I feel like he is only here because it is the "right thing to do" He is not a talkitive man so talking to him gets me almost no where. I have prayed about this for years. Any ideas on what I can do?

God Bless

I had a long talk with my husband last night and he said to me "We both know that we would not be married if it was not for the kids" I have always thought he felt that way but, it is now confirmed. I love him and it breaks my heart that he feels that way. This leads me to believe that when the kids go away to school he will be leaving me after 20+ years of marriage. What do I do stick around and wait? I love staying home with my kids, should I stay so I can still do that? Do I go get a job and prepare for the future? I am so confused. All he will say is if "I would respect him, he would be a different person". I don't know how, I feel in my heart I have given everything to him. He has never once told me he missed me when he was away, that I am pretty, I look nice after 14 years together I have never had him tell me any of these things. I am broken. I don't want to divorce but I don't want him to with because he feels it's the "right thin". I really could use a friend to chat with about this. If anyone has been in this situation I would love to hear from you.
I am glad I found this site, I really need to talk and get other opinions.

God Bless

 

[c1ners]

How old are the children?
If the kids are old enough to leave at home (or maybe with a babysitter), you could start going out with your husband.
Sometimes respect doesn't only mean doing everything for him. Sometimes it means being active in his life. Get interested in the things that he is interested in. Find things that you both enjoy and do it. Pay him compliments, and maybe he might start saying them back to you.
I don't know what else to suggest. Pray to God for guidance. He is always the best one to go to. I'll be here for a back up if you need someone. I'll be praying for you in the meantime.

 

[savingmyfamily]

How old are the children?
If the kids are old enough to leave at home (or maybe with a babysitter), you could start going out with your husband.
Sometimes respect doesn't only mean doing everything for him. Sometimes it means being active in his life. Get interested in the things that he is interested in. Find things that you both enjoy and do it. Pay him compliments, and maybe he might start saying them back to you.
I don't know what else to suggest. Pray to God for guidance. He is always the best one to go to. I'll be here for a back up if you need someone. I'll be praying for you in the meantime.

Thank you so much for the prayers. I am trying to put this into God's hands. I know he has a plan for us.

God Bless

 

[Devasha]

He's given you a big clue by telling you exactly what he needs from you: Respect.

Very often, we follow the golden rule and do unto our husbands as we would have them do unto us, but we end up totally missing the target because his needs are different than ours.

A book that explains this is His Needs, Her Needs. I've also seen others here mention Love and Respect (I think that's the title). I haven't read it myself, but from what others have said it seems to cover similar territory. Another good book for overcoming fears and focusing on your husband's needs is Light His Fire.

One thing you can do in addition to reading books like this and getting specific ideas is to keep a journal as you try different behavioral changes of your own. Keep track of his reactions. When he responds positively to you, spends more time with you, says something nice, pay close attention to what you were doing so that you can do more of that. If he has a negative response, avoid doing whatever might have precipitated that.

Most of all, pray daily and even several times a day for YHWH to transform you into the wife He wants you to be.

 

[Devasha]

Noticed this thread in the main forum called "Respect in Action", and there are many good ideas and suggestions there:

http://www.christianforums.com/t2901784-respect-in-action.html

 

[savingmyfamily]

Noticed this thread in the main forum called "Respect in Action", and there are many good ideas and suggestions there:

http://www.christianforums.com/t2901784-respect-in-action.html

Thank you for the link and advice. I know I can show him more respect and I have been praying about this. There are other issues that we both need to work on. He does not want to spend family time with us. He travels all the time for work and he spends a lot of time away doing his "other activities" such as hunting and fishing etc. He wants me to respect him and to change who I am, should't my children and I should be treated with the same respect? He acts like it is a chore to be a part of our family and when he does anything with us he comes across to me as if he is doing us a favor. I believe he should want to do things with his family. He chooses his sports and work over us everytime. That is why I am having such a hard time showing him respect. When I have in the past nothing was any different, it seems no matter what I say or do it was not right. I just truly believe that he is not in love with me and I am afraid that the kids are getting the short end of the stick. So, do I stick around and wait for the kids to go off to college and then we split? Do I start making a life for me? I can't make him fall in love with me. I thought we were a pretty happy couple and then I find out he would have divorced me if it was not for the kids? This was not something he said in anger we were just talking about our relationship. I don't want a divorce, do I stay with someone who wants a family only when it is convenet for him? (ex. Christmas, Company functions) He is not in love with me so he is unhappy, I don't want to make him unhappy but I believe with ALL my heart even if I show him all the repect in the world nothing will change. Even if it did, how do I know that he is not feeling the same about our relationship?
Thank you for letting me vent. I am so confused and upset and being able to let it out sure helps.

Thank you again and God Bless

 

[savingmyfamily]

Thank you so much for the prayers. I am trying to put this into God's hands. I know he has a plan for us.

God Bless

My children are 9 and 10. I am always trying to get him to go out and do things together. I ask all the time if I can go on his business trips with him. I always get the same answers, We can't afford it, the company won't allow it. etc. Well, I pay all the bills and we can afford it and he has plenty of travel miles I could use but he won't let me because he say's he likes to use those to bump up to first class. As far as the company not allowing it I know is a total lie because other husbands bring their wives and they are people who work under my husband. He just does not want me to go. Years ago it was because the children were too small. When I ask he tells me "I always want something", Well after what he said about how we would not be together if it was not for the kids, I really now know he just does not want me to go. I feel like I have been living this life and I find out the whole thing was a lie. Have I been fooling myself all these years? I am starting to go over things that have been said over the years to me and I think this is something I have just put blinders on and wanted to believe that I had a good marraige.

God Bless you and your family

 

[Devasha]

There are other issues that we both need to work on. He does not want to spend family time with us. He travels all the time for work and he spends a lot of time away doing his "other activities" such as hunting and fishing etc.

We need to remember that we can only work on our own issues. Focusing on our spouse's issues is nonproductive.

He wants me to respect him and to change who I am

Does he really want you to change who you are? Or does he want you to change how you interact with him?

.....should't my children and I should be treated with the same respect? He acts like it is a chore to be a part of our family and when he does anything with us he comes across to me as if he is doing us a favor. I believe he should want to do things with his family. He chooses his sports and work over us everytime.

Our spouses will not always value what they should, but once again, we have to remember that focusing on that is giving aid and comfort to the enemy who is trying to destroy our families.

That is why I am having such a hard time showing him respect.

When we're having difficulty respecting the man, we can always focus on respecting "the uniform".

When I have in the past nothing was any different, it seems no matter what I say or do it was not right. I just truly believe that he is not in love with me and I am afraid that the kids are getting the short end of the stick.

Even if nothing in the past has worked, that doesn't mean that nothing will work in the future.

No matter how short the end of the stick seems now, believe me, it only gets worse with a divorce.

So, do I stick around and wait for the kids to go off to college and then we split? Do I start making a life for me?

I vote for seeking first the Kingdom and living for the King.

I can't make him fall in love with me.

The worldly "in love" thing is not what marriage is all about. True love described in 1 Corinthians 13 is unilateral, not expecting anything in return. It is not unusual for the husband of a wife truly demonstrating that kind of love to find himself falling in love with her.

I thought we were a pretty happy couple and then I find out he would have divorced me if it was not for the kids?

At least this shows that he does value the children. Though not easy on the ego, it is something to be thankful for.

I don't want a divorce, do I stay with someone who wants a family only when it is convenet for him? (ex. Christmas, Company functions)

The answer to that is probably in your wedding vows.

He is not in love with me so he is unhappy, I don't want to make him unhappy but I believe with ALL my heart even if I show him all the repect in the world nothing will change.

If you truly believe that nothing will change, then you are being deceived because the Truth is:

Matthew 19:26 Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Proverbs 21:1 The king's [or husband's] heart is in the hand of the LORD; He directs it like a watercourse wherever He pleases.

Even if it did, how do I know that he is not feeling the same about our relationship?

You don't need to know anything other than what the Spirit is telling you.

Thank you for letting me vent. I am so confused and upset and being able to let it out sure helps.

I totally understand the frustration and despair you are feeling. It is really good to examine where you're at because then you can see the lies of the devil and know how to fight back. Your ID is so appropriate because that is exactly what you're being called to do--save your family.

There is a roaring lion prowling around trying to steal, kill and destroy our families, but we can take a lesson from Yeshua and how He fought back in Matthew 4:1-11. With every lie that the devil came at Him with, He had a ready answer because the Scriptures were engraved on His heart.

We have to take every thought captive, try the spirits, discern the lies, and then search out the Scriptures for the Truth (the Sword of the Spirit, Ephesians 6:10-18) and speak the Truth out loud (faith comes by hearing, Romans 10:17) so that it will go through that ear pathway to the heart. And we need to memorize (engrave on our hearts) all the Scriptures we can.

Everything you need to become the woman your husband fell in love with and will fall in love with again is in His Word. The secret is learning to hear and obey His voice:

Isaiah 30:21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

 

[jpewashere]

You said communication is hard with him. Try conversating about the topics he is interested in. Usually if you ask questions about the subject matter that they enjoy they begin to open up. This works with anyone. You cannot really have a relationship with anyone unless you truly enjoy some aspects of who they are. Having something to share that is common is key.

 

[c1ners]

My children are 9 and 10. I am always trying to get him to go out and do things together. I ask all the time if I can go on his business trips with him. I always get the same answers, We can't afford it, the company won't allow it. etc. Well, I pay all the bills and we can afford it and he has plenty of travel miles I could use but he won't let me because he say's he likes to use those to bump up to first class. As far as the company not allowing it I know is a total lie because other husbands bring their wives and they are people who work under my husband. He just does not want me to go. Years ago it was because the children were too small. When I ask he tells me "I always want something", Well after what he said about how we would not be together if it was not for the kids, I really now know he just does not want me to go. I feel like I have been living this life and I find out the whole thing was a lie. Have I been fooling myself all these years? I am starting to go over things that have been said over the years to me and I think this is something I have just put blinders on and wanted to believe that I had a good marraige.

God Bless you and your family

My husband treats me this way sometimes as well. What I used to do was get defensive, accuse him of having an affair, and just isolate myself away from him. This behavior only made things worse.

What I've learned to do is listen intently when he's talking. Be more receptive to what he is saying. Act like I'm more interested in the things he is interested in. I try not to get grumpy when he stays out until 1 or 2 in the morning. Instead I ask him if he had a good time, and what all he did. Of course I'm half asleep and barely listening, but the fact that I woke up (not grumpy) and wanted to talk made him feel good.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in order to get respect, we have to give respect. In order to get love, we have to give love.

I actually thought that I was doing everything right in my marriage. I do all the cooking, all the cleaning, and I'm home whenever he needs anything. The thing I wasn't giving him was love and respect. I was treating him like one of my children instead of my husband. I had hard feelings, but at the same time, he did too. I had to change "ME" before our marriage got better. That's not an easy thing to do, but I know you can do it. Pray to God that he opens your eyes to the things that need to be done, and than do them. Change yourself, and than your husband hopefully will start coming around.
PM me if you need anything more.

God Bless, and take care.

 

[jpewashere]

My husband treats me this way sometimes as well. What I used to do was get defensive, accuse him of having an affair, and just isolate myself away from him. This behavior only made things worse.

What I've learned to do is listen intently when he's talking. Be more receptive to what he is saying. Act like I'm more interested in the things he is interested in. I try not to get grumpy when he stays out until 1 or 2 in the morning. Instead I ask him if he had a good time, and what all he did. Of course I'm half asleep and barely listening, but the fact that I woke up (not grumpy) and wanted to talk made him feel good.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in order to get respect, we have to give respect. In order to get love, we have to give love.

I actually thought that I was doing everything right in my marriage. I do all the cooking, all the cleaning, and I'm home whenever he needs anything. The thing I wasn't giving him was love and respect. I was treating him like one of my children instead of my husband. I had hard feelings, but at the same time, he did too. I had to change "ME" before our marriage got better. That's not an easy thing to do, but I know you can do it. Pray to God that he opens your eyes to the things that need to be done, and than do them. Change yourself, and than your husband hopefully will start coming around.
PM me if you need anything more. I don't like talking here. Too many judgmental people.

God Bless, and take care.

Be empathetic at all times. If you first put yourself in his shoes you will have a better understanding of what is bothering him. Women are better at this than us men.

 

[RestingInTheLord]

My heart goes out to you "savingmyfamily". I can hear and feel your pain in your posts.

I understand how you feel. Not to the extent of my hubby not wanting me to travel with him, but all the rest.
My hubby is a work-aholic. He is constantly working from home before going into work. He leaves early to go to work and stays late (and doesn't get paid for any of this). Anytime we get into a fight, the first place he goes is to work. Everything with him is work, work, work. The kids and I suffer because of this and that's why I feel like a single mother of 3 with a marriage license. (my kids are 7, 4 and newborn).

Because I know how you are feeling, the thoughts that are probably going through your head, your insecurities because you're taking the "blame" upon yourself ... This is what I would do in your situation. Your children are old enough now, that you could work, even if only part time. This way you can prepare for the future, but it will also give you the opportunity to get out of the house, and let your mind not wander back to what your husband is or isn't doing. It will allow you to make new friends, build up your self confidence, not make you so dependent on him ... actually creates a new independent you. So many times, we as women, get caught up in our husbands. Our identities get lost in theirs. We forget who we are, our roles, and focus on him and the children. We forget that we are separate people, with separate needs and separate lives.

When you get up in the morning, devote at least 15 minutes of quiet time to the Lord in the morning. Pour your heart out to Him. Seek His healing, His wisdom, His knowledge, His peace, His understanding, and leave this issue as best you can at His feet. He WILL guide you, He WILL restore you, He WILL reveal to you what to do. His answers may not be easy, but He will NOT lead you down the wrong path.

I hope that has helped.

God bless you!
Lisa

 

[Katakalupto]

My husband was like this until I started making plans of my own. He is only home on weekends. So I get a babysitter (grandparents usually) for my daughter on the weekends. And I go out with friends. He asked where I was going, and I told him out with friends, which is what I always heard. Its funny how when you no longer sit around waiting on your spouse to want you they suddenly do.

 

[Endless]

Although Worknprogress's ideas are sound ... make sure your heart is in the right place. Make sure that you are not trying to make him feel jealous ... because he will know it in your demeanor. You have been married for 14 years after all. You shouldn't want to hurt him.

I understand your frustration although I have not been through it myself. You and your family are inmy prayers.

~M

 

[Katakalupto]

Mine has nothing to do with jealousy. I have epilepsy and can't drive and go anywhere. I am dependent on my dh and family and friends to do anything. On weekends my family thinks I should be with him, and he is running around. So I am left all alone still not able to do anything. Its a matter of keeping my sanity. And it helps him realize with or without him I have to be able to do things.

 

[Autumnleaf]

It sounds like he is thinking of himself alot while not loving you or the children. You should probably explain to your husband how you will not be his nanny and maid only to be divorced when the children grow up. Remind him how he swore to love and cherish you and tell him if the gig's up its time to talk to the minister to see if you still want to be married to him when you could sit back and collect a fat child support check without putting up with his false pretentious nonsense. Put the ball back into your court.

If he relents let him know you will respect him how he wants to be respected but he has to meet you half way by loving you as he should, which means you go where he goes when you want. I suspect he does naughty things on trips he refuses to take you on.

 

[Godshelper]

I have been married over 10 years. I have two children. My husband is a great person and a believer in Christ. I have a feeling that he has no interest in being my husband or father unless it fits into his schedule. He works all the time and always has. He had picked up all these extra activities which would be fine if...when he was here he was invovled in what the children and I were doing. he seems to have almost no interest in doing things as a family. I feel like he is only here because it is the "right thing to do" He is not a talkitive man so talking to him gets me almost no where. I have prayed about this for years. Any ideas on what I can do?

God Bless

I believe I know how you feel. He sounds alot like my husband. He is a believer in christ but to meet him you would never know it. I don't know of any suggestions for you really but I am here if you would like to talk. My husband is either fishing or getting ready to go fishing. He does work and he works hard but once he clocks out at work it is like he has no other concerns but what he wants to do. If I acted like he does in this marriage he certainly would not stay with me. We have been married for 7 years and it just gets worse because I let it. I work full time and take care of everything else. He works and his time off work is his time. I am to my wits end with it all.

 

[savingmyfamily]

My husband treats me this way sometimes as well. What I used to do was get defensive, accuse him of having an affair, and just isolate myself away from him. This behavior only made things worse.

What I've learned to do is listen intently when he's talking. Be more receptive to what he is saying. Act like I'm more interested in the things he is interested in. I try not to get grumpy when he stays out until 1 or 2 in the morning. Instead I ask him if he had a good time, and what all he did. Of course I'm half asleep and barely listening, but the fact that I woke up (not grumpy) and wanted to talk made him feel good.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in order to get respect, we have to give respect. In order to get love, we have to give love.

I actually thought that I was doing everything right in my marriage. I do all the cooking, all the cleaning, and I'm home whenever he needs anything. The thing I wasn't giving him was love and respect. I was treating him like one of my children instead of my husband. I had hard feelings, but at the same time, he did too. I had to change "ME" before our marriage got better. That's not an easy thing to do, but I know you can do it. Pray to God that he opens your eyes to the things that need to be done, and than do them. Change yourself, and than your husband hopefully will start coming around.
PM me if you need anything more.

God Bless, and take care.

Thank you so much. you are right I do need to change myself. I have been working on letting things go, respecting him, and living for God, my family and myself. I have to say so far it seems to be working. I really needed to get out of my "pour me mood" I was in. Thank you so much for the post. It is so nice to be able to get opions of people that don't even know me.

God Bless

 

[savingmyfamily]

My heart goes out to you "savingmyfamily". I can hear and feel your pain in your posts.

I understand how you feel. Not to the extent of my hubby not wanting me to travel with him, but all the rest.
My hubby is a work-aholic. He is constantly working from home before going into work. He leaves early to go to work and stays late (and doesn't get paid for any of this). Anytime we get into a fight, the first place he goes is to work. Everything with him is work, work, work. The kids and I suffer because of this and that's why I feel like a single mother of 3 with a marriage license. (my kids are 7, 4 and newborn).

Because I know how you are feeling, the thoughts that are probably going through your head, your insecurities because you're taking the "blame" upon yourself ... This is what I would do in your situation. Your children are old enough now, that you could work, even if only part time. This way you can prepare for the future, but it will also give you the opportunity to get out of the house, and let your mind not wander back to what your husband is or isn't doing. It will allow you to make new friends, build up your self confidence, not make you so dependent on him ... actually creates a new independent you. So many times, we as women, get caught up in our husbands. Our identities get lost in theirs. We forget who we are, our roles, and focus on him and the children. We forget that we are separate people, with separate needs and separate lives.

When you get up in the morning, devote at least 15 minutes of quiet time to the Lord in the morning. Pour your heart out to Him. Seek His healing, His wisdom, His knowledge, His peace, His understanding, and leave this issue as best you can at His feet. He WILL guide you, He WILL restore you, He WILL reveal to you what to do. His answers may not be easy, but He will NOT lead you down the wrong path.

I hope that has helped.

God bless you!
Lisa

It is so true. I have lost a part of myself depending on him (DH) for happiness. I know better than to do that but, I was having a pity party for myself. Now I have left my marraige in God's hands. I have registered to attened school and finish my degree. I figure I better make sure my life is in order in case one day he does decide to walk out. I truely believe that won't happen. I believe as long as I am happy with life, and don't seek my husband for true happiness but seek God. God will take care of the rest. Thank you for your post. God Bless you