I am engaged and will be getting married this October. I love my fiance, he is a sweetheart and a faithful Christian. However, he's has little life experience and it has begun to stress both of us out as we near our wedding day.
My fiance's parents are two strong type-A personalities, "do-ers" as they call themselves. They've worked hard their entire lives and have spared no expense for their children--its actually quite sweet, but unfortunately it has it's draw backs. My fiance went 27 years without responsibility. When we were first dating, I didn't quite realize how dependent on his parents he was, and I don't just mean financially. His parents want him to "never worry about anything" and structured his life so he could essentially eat, sleep and play video games all day. Thankfully, my fiance has no intention of doing so, but he struggles to enact his own self-discipline. When I first moved in with them, I realized his mother still did everything for him like he was a child. His father handled all expenses and gave my fiance a handsome allowance.
I was the initial game changer in all this because I've lived independently for several years before I met my fiance. When I moved into his parents house, I remember discussing with his mother that she needs to let us carry our own weight or she will forever have adult children. I know without a doubt she wants us to grow, but I can tell she can't stand to watch us struggle and so often intervenes. His father wants to handle it all. He would prefer that we forever live (very comfortably, mind you) as children in his kingdom. However, I'm not comfortable with that for a couple reasons. First, living with my fiance's parents is a strenuous trial of discipline. Learning to work hard when you're struggling through life is difficult. Learning to work hard when you have the ever temptation to sit around and watch TV or play video games all day while two loving parents handle all the responsibilities is SOOO much harder. There is seemingly no point to your struggles, so why are you bothering? Secondly, whenever my fiance and I take on an ambition or challenge that we are struggling through, his parents take our struggle on themselves and we feel guilty for it. Don't get me wrong, they mean well by it, but there's a lot of "why are stressing about trying to start your own business? We worked so hard our entire lives so you don't have to. You should just be having fun."
Lastly, the fact that my fiance cannot independently provide for us weighs on both of us. It worries me when I think of having kids. As the mother, I'll need to depend on someone, but it won't be my future husband. It will be his parents. And since I can see us having harsh disagreements with his parents on parenting, I'm particularly fearful of being dependent on them while raising kids. The whole situation screams family feud. And it's not just about fiances. Luxury and ease does not make one emotionally resilient. And that makes it hard for us to respect ourselves or each other.
But my future husband makes a good point, if we choose to live on our own now, we won't have the finances to provide for our kids. We have to build something up while under his parent's roof to make something for ourselves and our kids.
I don't know what is right in this kind of situation. Are we being ungrateful to his parents or is their generosity enabling us to become irresponsible adults? Does the Bible have any guidance on how to fulfill Genesis 2:24. How should a man leave his father and mother and cling to his wife if the man is dependent on his father and mother who are strong, loving, control freaks.
My fiance's parents are two strong type-A personalities, "do-ers" as they call themselves. They've worked hard their entire lives and have spared no expense for their children--its actually quite sweet, but unfortunately it has it's draw backs. My fiance went 27 years without responsibility. When we were first dating, I didn't quite realize how dependent on his parents he was, and I don't just mean financially. His parents want him to "never worry about anything" and structured his life so he could essentially eat, sleep and play video games all day. Thankfully, my fiance has no intention of doing so, but he struggles to enact his own self-discipline. When I first moved in with them, I realized his mother still did everything for him like he was a child. His father handled all expenses and gave my fiance a handsome allowance.
I was the initial game changer in all this because I've lived independently for several years before I met my fiance. When I moved into his parents house, I remember discussing with his mother that she needs to let us carry our own weight or she will forever have adult children. I know without a doubt she wants us to grow, but I can tell she can't stand to watch us struggle and so often intervenes. His father wants to handle it all. He would prefer that we forever live (very comfortably, mind you) as children in his kingdom. However, I'm not comfortable with that for a couple reasons. First, living with my fiance's parents is a strenuous trial of discipline. Learning to work hard when you're struggling through life is difficult. Learning to work hard when you have the ever temptation to sit around and watch TV or play video games all day while two loving parents handle all the responsibilities is SOOO much harder. There is seemingly no point to your struggles, so why are you bothering? Secondly, whenever my fiance and I take on an ambition or challenge that we are struggling through, his parents take our struggle on themselves and we feel guilty for it. Don't get me wrong, they mean well by it, but there's a lot of "why are stressing about trying to start your own business? We worked so hard our entire lives so you don't have to. You should just be having fun."
Lastly, the fact that my fiance cannot independently provide for us weighs on both of us. It worries me when I think of having kids. As the mother, I'll need to depend on someone, but it won't be my future husband. It will be his parents. And since I can see us having harsh disagreements with his parents on parenting, I'm particularly fearful of being dependent on them while raising kids. The whole situation screams family feud. And it's not just about fiances. Luxury and ease does not make one emotionally resilient. And that makes it hard for us to respect ourselves or each other.
But my future husband makes a good point, if we choose to live on our own now, we won't have the finances to provide for our kids. We have to build something up while under his parent's roof to make something for ourselves and our kids.
I don't know what is right in this kind of situation. Are we being ungrateful to his parents or is their generosity enabling us to become irresponsible adults? Does the Bible have any guidance on how to fulfill Genesis 2:24. How should a man leave his father and mother and cling to his wife if the man is dependent on his father and mother who are strong, loving, control freaks.
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