Finally Coming to Terms with Being Bipolar

[Saucy]

A few years ago, I was seeing a psychologist for about a year and undergoing some counseling. I've lived a hellish life full of neglect, sexual/physical/mental abuse, poverty, trauma from losing two close loved ones, etc, and I've had a difficult time dealing with it at times.

My relationship with people has been often strained. I have maybe 2-3 really good best friends who understand me and love me anyway, and a handful of other friends who enjoy my company most of the time, but we have our shares of spats and issues.

It frustrates me to no end because I have these triggers. Someone will say something to me a certain way and I'll just instantly trigger. I can't control it, no matter how hard I've tried.

Now, I'm not violent. I don't scream at people. But I'll have a triggering episode and suddenly I'm reacting 100% out of pure hurt, anxiety, etc. I can be in the greatest of moods and then one small thing will put me in full trigger mode. My #1 reaction is to hide and deal with the hurt internally, but usually before that happens, I react out of pure self defense because i feel as if I've been hurt, when really it shouldn't have hurt me.

The thing is, I don't want to be bipolar. When I was diagnosed as bipolar with manic depression 1, I was instantly distressed about it and went into denial. A few of my friends said, "no, I've known you for a long time and you're not bipolar."

But then yesterday, my mom sat me down and said she thinks I have it because of my triggers. I want the triggers to stop. I don't want to lose anymore friends because I can't control when I trigger. And most people I talk to about this just say to take responsibility for my actions and words, and I try so hard! I work really hard to be the best version of myself I can be.

I don't know what to do. I'm tired of losing friends and having people look down on me for this reason and that reason. Sometimes I try to explain things, but it comes out the wrong way or I can't articulate what I'm feeling. And no one seems to understand, even when I try to explain it.

Any advice?

 

[alsughasoughaiuyfygh]

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[Saucy]

I'm not sure I can offer you clear advice because I'm also in the same boat as you. I'm currently trying to use cognitive behavioral therapy two other users on CF have recommended me and I hear it does wonders for things like trauma, autism, substance abuse, depression, and numerous other mental health issues. I think you could benefit from it if you have not already.

You'll be in my prayers. I totally understand how a hard life can really mess a person up and empathy will greatly be needed if someone with your history is to overcome past hurt.

Thank you. And I believe I received a lot of bad advice on how to handle this, so I tried to pass that advice on to you and it was the wrong way to go about it. I'm truly sorry if you felt I didn't seem to care about you. That's all I've always ever been told, to just control yourself better.

I will look into this.

 

[alsughasoughaiuyfygh]

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[Rescued One]

I don't think I'm qualified to give advice, but I get depressed by people who make me feel stupid by trying to change my decisions or not approving of something I've done(such as buying something I need). It makes me want to be alone and beg God to help me deal with it. Several times a day I thank God for His help even if it's something small. I need Him 24 hours a day!

 

[Saucy]

Thank you for forgiving me. It really means a lot.

 

[Saucy]

This explains how I am to a "T". I don't think I experience psychosis, but I am a writer, so maybe I do? LOL

Bipolar Disorder is various manifestations of mood swings, sometimes extreme ones. The swings are between clinical depression and mania. When she is feeling good, happy, and in particular, thinks she can do anything (which she might be able to until her mood swings again), she is manic. It is common for people in the manic phase to overspend money with the thought that it will work out (optimism that is out of bounds). Bipolar disorder can also impair a person's good judgment without them realizing it. Another thing behaviors associated with the disease do is hurt the feelings of family and friends such that relationships are damaged or destroyed. It is imperative that family get educated on how bipolar disorder affects a person, because the person will often seem normal. IMO, reading about it is only a start; they would need to talk to knowledgeable people about it, too.

Hearing and seeing things that aren't there are psychoses—effects from being semi-detached from reality. It is a symptom of various mental illnesses, one of which is Schizophrenia. It is separate from Bipolar Disorder.

One thing for friends and family to keep in mind is that bipolar disorder can be more painful than anything they've ever experienced in their lives. Patience, kindness, and gentleness is called for at all times. 40% of the people with bipolar disorder try to commit suicide to stop the pain. Half of them succeed.

 

[Saucy]

I don't think I'm qualified to give advice, but I get depressed by people who make me feel stupid by trying to change my decisions or not approving of something I've done(such as buying something I need). It makes me want to be alone and beg God to help me deal with it. Several times a day I thank God for His help even if it's something small. I need Him 24 hours a day!

I'm sorry to hear you deal with that. It's really tough.

 

[alsughasoughaiuyfygh]

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[Rescued One]

I'm sorry to hear you deal with that. It's really tough.

You're sweet.

I avoid most people who want to judge me. I can't change them, but I can't be depressed all the time either. Some people make me feel depressed by their lack of ever saying something nice.

I have to remind myself that some people just don't know how to encourage others.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

Accepting you have a mental illness is the hardest part. Once you accept it, then you usually get better because you are more med compliant and no longer have a burden of trying to deny a part of who you are.

 

[Saucy]

You're sweet.

I avoid most people who want to judge me. I can't change them, but I can't be depressed all the time either. Some people make me feel depressed by their lack of ever saying something nice.

I have to remind myself that some people just don't know how to encourage others.

I've spent most of my life people pleasing. I've been hurt enough, so I try to do whatever says I should. I take bad advice and constantly change my political views and so much just to make people happy. I don't want anyone to hate or be mad at me.

 

[alsughasoughaiuyfygh]

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[ChristIsSovereign]

I get highly triggered when people display the attitude of judging in which Paul says that they judge themselves. Only God can legally wield vengeance, in which I am glad for that. I don't want to be the one sabotaging people because of mistakes they make.

 

[Go Braves]

Sorry to hear about all your struggles, Saucy. You seem to have done a pretty good job avoiding some triggers. For a long time I honestly had thought your extremely strong reactions to criticism of Trump was just an act, then realized it wasn't. They were triggers for you. I haven't seen you in threads about him for a good long while now, so looks like you took control of that, which is a really positive thing. Now obviously that's just a small area of your life, but it's still progress. Big changes often happen on account of an accumulation of small changes. Best wishes to you, Saucy. I'll pray for you.

 

[GUANO]

1. Be yourself and don't stress yourself out walking on eggshells around people
2. Apologize ASAP if you feel you've snapped on someone
3. Always try to improve and catch your 'triggers', it won't happen over night, and the slow change may seem unrecognizeable to you, but you'll change.
4. Use techniques to change your thought life and worldview

#4 could be called 'cognitive therapy' but it's also the method of choice in Scripture to combat what are called 'the wiles of the enemy'---the enemy is the 'flesh' which, in this case, is your own thoughts.

a) Identify the thoughts that trigger you
b) Meditate on each one of those thoughts, discuss with a good friend or counsellor if needed
-- determine if the thoughts that trigger emotional outbursts are valid
-- if they are not valid, categorize the reasons why they are not such as 'paranoia' for example...
c) Do battle in your mind
-- find ways to actively combat thoughts quickly, in real time. For instance, if the problem is 'paranoia' where you think that a) everyone is out to get you or b) everyone thinks negatively about you, you need to replace those thoughts with correct ones or simply ask God to send his 'angels' by quoting scripture or praying. Many of the prayers that David wrote while on the run from his enemies, hiding in the wilderness, are great for 'warding off evil spirits'...

Over time your brain will be trained but it can be hard.

My wife is diagnosed with bipolar and psychosis and is on heavy meds and won't admit to anyone including herself that there is a problem so for you to even say "i don't want to lose my friends" is a pretty big step, most often people will simply live their lives believing all the nonsense they made up and make everyone else's lives a living hell in the process lol.

 

[Long Island Pilgrim]

Hi saucy,

I was diagnosed as bipolar and I had all the symptoms in my twenties and thirties. I was taking wellbutrin for a number of years which was the only medication of all the ones I tried that actually helped. I haven't been on medication in over a decade and I have no more symptoms at all.

Looking back on my life, and having studied an enormous amount over ten years in the field of psychology, I now view the bipolar diagnosis differently. What was really going on with me....but what I didn't know at the time....was that I was emotionally dis-regulated and living with C-PTSD from my childhood. Some sensitive children can be affected by their environment more than others . I didn't even fully recognize that I had been repeatedly traumatized in a variety of ways because it was the only life I knew. I did know that my life had been very hard and sad but I did not fully conceptualize much of it at that point.

It wasn't until I reached my mid thirties that I was able to identify that I had endured somewhat severe child abuse. I didn't know it was psychological and emotional torture that I had endured because I wasn't physically or sexually abused. It was all very normalized to me. I also grew up in a non Christian home which was very morally inconsistent. Lies and deception were part of everyday life and I honestly just assumed everyone behaved that way. I assumed that people wore a mask to pretend to be "good" in public but that it was all for show . My mind was literally split because I had no foundation for reality because there were no absolutes. Thats one of many reasons that Christianity saved me. Jesus is the truth so for the first time I knew what truth was. And from there I was finally able to put everything into perspective.

Anyway...I was also triggered very easily and had some other symptoms of personality and temperament problems, but I really believe now that all of that stuff was a result of being blocked in my normal development because of the heightened state of alarm I lived in for so many years. Once my life stabilized ...which was a progressive process....each symptom progressively vanished.

But it was Christ that saved me, fully restored me and provided clarity and direction. So if Christ is not your Lord and Savior you need that to happen first. I eventually also came across this book called "The Myth of Mental Illness: Foundations of a Theory of personal conduct". By Thomas Szasz Read the reviews on Amazon. A lot of people with Bipolar disorder found it very helpful.

God Bless...

 

[Open Heart]

Bad news can be discouragin g. Just remember, the label doesn't change anything. You still have exactlythe same problems as before and you still have the same charms as before.

If you haven't started Cognitive Behavioral Therapy yet, discuss it with your therapist. It's great for triggers. So is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.

 

[redblue22]

I eventually also came across this book called "The Myth of Mental Illness: Foundations of a Theory of personal conduct". By Thomas Szasz Read the reviews on Amazon. A lot of people with Bipolar disorder found it very helpful.
God Bless...

I do not see how saying there is no such thing as mental illness helps someone diagnosed with "bipolar." Bipolar is supposedly a lifestyle choice, and one should never take medication. Really?

 

[Long Island Pilgrim]

I do not see how saying there is no such thing as mental illness helps someone diagnosed with "bipolar." Bipolar is supposedly a lifestyle choice, and one should never take medication. Really?

I do not see how saying there is no such thing as mental illness helps someone diagnosed with "bipolar." Bipolar is supposedly a lifestyle choice, and one should never take medication. Really?

I stated that I was diagnosed Bipolar myself and I believe the book offers valuable alternative insight. So I'm not clear on your your statement ? Are you denying my right to my own personal testimony and my right to offer my own personal journey and what helped me? My response was very comprehensive and I offered what genuinely helped me. Many many folks who review this book on Amazon also cited very positive reviews. And your response to me is "Really?" As if I am not even entitled to offer any perspective of my own? I don't see how that is constructive .