feeling lost

[ryewolf]

I previously posted about not being sure what to do about a guy, this is a follow up post an elaboration on the situation.

I struggle a little with finding people to date because I have never had a desire for children. I would rather spend my time/energy serving with my future husband than child rearing.

This guy I was seeing was finally someone who said he is okay with not having kids. He is very kind and caring, loves the Lord and I felt safe with him. I'm a fairly insecure person when it comes to my looks, yet with him I felt comfortable because he just was so nice and didn't seem shallow. He never pushed me physically and is okay about waiting for marriage to have sex.

However, there were several red flags that came up that concerned me. He has never lived on his own (lives with parents), has no passion for his job but no plan for changing it (wants a better job but no clear vision), dropped out of college, doesn't have any savings, is not in community (no small groups, has just one Christian friend but mostly hangs out with non-Christian friends)...I just don't feel that he would be a strong leader as a husband. I feel that I would take the lead financially, spiritually, etc because I'm at a more advanced phase in my life as he is (not sure how else to say this?). I make more money, have savings for emergencies and am planning on buying a house soon; I'm in several small groups and know the importance of community. I'm also very ambitious and driven. The thing is that he had some setbacks due to a previous relationship, which is partly why he's in the position he's in now, though I suspect that there is also some level of comfort in living with his parents making him not be in a rush to move out.

In addition to those differences, he is pretty quiet. I like to joke and laugh a lot and I found that there were crickets when I would try to make jokes and sometimes when I would say something he would not respond to it but just completely change the subject. I think he is a little socially awkward and unsure of himself, which is okay as none of us our perfect, but I am not very drawn to that kind of personality and I wouldn't say we have a blast together when we hang out, it's just okay. I also am the one who mostly sparks up conversation topics, and when I would ask deep questions he would only ask me back about 50% of the time, making me wonder if he really cared to get to know me that well or if he's just shy.

I decided to break things off after a few months of dating because I just didn't see a clear vision of a future with him. He says he wants to move out this year but I am afraid he won't. I kept thinking about how I wish he were more ambitious, driven and responsible. But was this a mistake to end things? I have prayed over and over for guidance from God because I was feeling unsure of things, but I have been feeling so down ever since letting him go, thinking that I will probably never find someone else as kind and who is okay with not having kids. I also know that I can be a little bit prideful (something I am working on in prayer with God), and so I'm wondering if all of those "red flags" are really that or just me expecting someone to be on "my level".

But even if everything else was perfect, should we be with someone who we just feel "okay" with? Where 90% of the time I would be the one bringing up things to talk about? We also don't really share many interests when it comes to conversation, though we do like some of the same activities. I just want a responsible/established man who will love me, lead me, and be faithful to me, who I can have fun with and will make me laugh. Looks, salary etc are not that important to me (I mean I want to be physically attracted of course but I don't expect a guy to be ripped or a millionaire, I just want to be interested in them and have things to talk about). But is someone being kind and loving the Lord enough? Should I ignore the rest and see if he'll take me back? Or maybe I am supposed to be alone forever.

I just feel so lost about what to do.

 

[Willing-heart]

"But is someone being kind and loving the Lord enough?"

If he truly loves the Lord, then he will be able to love you as a result. So based on that, I think his love for the Lord should be more than enough for you regardless of all his flaws. However, I don't think you should force yourself to try and make the relationship work. By this I mean, don't let your insecurities make you feel you deserve less.

Your concerns are valid, and I think you ought to discuss all the issues with him in a kind and encouraging way so to be clear you are on the same page. Two cannot walk together unless both agree. He needs to understand your fears about the future based on your assessment of him this far. Men are called to lead, and for him to be able to do that, you will have to start learning the act of submission now, even though you might be in a better position than him socially, financially or even spiritually (as I think you suggested). He also needs to understand his role as a man, and how best to love you and take care of you, and he ought to have a plan now which he should be working towards so to be the best man he can be.

You mentioned that you don't want children and that he is fine with this. I've heard of stories like this when later into the marriage, one party changes their mind and this can cause alot of pain. Please be aware people can change their mind. Especially considering the natural progression is to have children in marriage... Pray together and pray alone. May God give you clarity and peace of mind moving forward.

 

[Sketcher]

OK, so:

However, there were several red flags that came up that concerned me. He has never lived on his own (lives with parents), has no passion for his job but no plan for changing it (wants a better job but no clear vision), dropped out of college, doesn't have any savings, is not in community (no small groups, has just one Christian friend but mostly hangs out with non-Christian friends)...I just don't feel that he would be a strong leader as a husband.

I moved back in with my parents years ago, before I moved back out again. From a dollars and cents perspective, it makes sense - but he has a job and no savings? If he's not aggressively paying off debt, then that is a massive problem. What I recommend that anybody do if they're having a financial issue while living with their parents is start saving something, pay off debt, have a goal for how much more to save, have that amount per paycheck automatically drafted from the bank account to the retirement savings, and live off the rest. If the income isn't enough to move out with after having the giving and saving established, then that is when to look at getting a better paying job. If anyone reading this doesn't know where to start with the savings and debt, refer to Dave Ramsey's 7 Baby Steps, and also read Investing For Dummies. If any Christians reading this do not know how to budget, I recommend the Good Sense budget course (Good Sense Movement - - and it looks like they refreshed the material they put out since I took the course). Absorbing that will get people on a better track - maybe not the ultimate track, but a better one - in a matter of months.

If anyone is opposed to that, then I would say that is a massive red flag.

In addition to those differences, he is pretty quiet. I like to joke and laugh a lot and I found that there were crickets when I would try to make jokes and sometimes when I would say something he would not respond to it but just completely change the subject. I think he is a little socially awkward and unsure of himself, which is okay as none of us our perfect, but I am not very drawn to that kind of personality and I wouldn't say we have a blast together when we hang out, it's just okay. I also am the one who mostly sparks up conversation topics, and when I would ask deep questions he would only ask me back about 50% of the time, making me wonder if he really cared to get to know me that well or if he's just shy.

I don't want to fault him too hard for this because I am a quiet guy myself. My mind often blanks when people think I am supposed to say something or start a conversation. If I were to date a quiet girl, there's a legit chance we'll just eat and look at each other awkwardly. He may be the same way. That doesn't mean he's a bad guy or disinterested, but if you don't like that, I can't twist you into liking it.

I decided to break things off after a few months of dating because I just didn't see a clear vision of a future with him. He says he wants to move out this year but I am afraid he won't. I kept thinking about how I wish he were more ambitious, driven and responsible. But was this a mistake to end things? I have prayed over and over for guidance from God because I was feeling unsure of things, but I have been feeling so down ever since letting him go, thinking that I will probably never find someone else as kind and who is okay with not having kids. I also know that I can be a little bit prideful (something I am working on in prayer with God), and so I'm wondering if all of those "red flags" are really that or just me expecting someone to be on "my level".

But even if everything else was perfect, should we be with someone who we just feel "okay" with? Where 90% of the time I would be the one bringing up things to talk about? We also don't really share many interests when it comes to conversation, though we do like some of the same activities. I just want a responsible/established man who will love me, lead me, and be faithful to me, who I can have fun with and will make me laugh. Looks, salary etc are not that important to me (I mean I want to be physically attracted of course but I don't expect a guy to be ripped or a millionaire, I just want to be interested in them and have things to talk about). But is someone being kind and loving the Lord enough? Should I ignore the rest and see if he'll take me back? Or maybe I am supposed to be alone forever.

I just feel so lost about what to do.

A guy like me and a guy like what he sounds like needs someone who will be happy to stay with him. You don't sound like you would be happy to stay with him, and you didn't stay with him. If you got back together, why would you stay with him long-term? Better to just end a relationship cleanly after a few months than to walk out on a marriage.

 

[dayhiker]

Hi ryewolf ...
I think you are right to listen to your feelings about him not being motivated. I'm guessing he will expect you to be the same to him that his parents are to him.
Does he do his own laundry? Or his mom? Does he cook his own meals or his mom?

I'm thinking his not pushing for some form of intimacy is the same lack of motivation to get a better job and save some money. What does he spend his money on if he is living at home?

 

[Jesusfann777888]

I previously posted about not being sure what to do about a guy, this is a follow up post an elaboration on the situation.

I struggle a little with finding people to date because I have never had a desire for children. I would rather spend my time/energy serving with my future husband than child rearing.

This guy I was seeing was finally someone who said he is okay with not having kids. He is very kind and caring, loves the Lord and I felt safe with him. I'm a fairly insecure person when it comes to my looks, yet with him I felt comfortable because he just was so nice and didn't seem shallow. He never pushed me physically and is okay about waiting for marriage to have sex.

However, there were several red flags that came up that concerned me. He has never lived on his own (lives with parents), has no passion for his job but no plan for changing it (wants a better job but no clear vision), dropped out of college, doesn't have any savings, is not in community (no small groups, has just one Christian friend but mostly hangs out with non-Christian friends)...I just don't feel that he would be a strong leader as a husband. I feel that I would take the lead financially, spiritually, etc because I'm at a more advanced phase in my life as he is (not sure how else to say this?). I make more money, have savings for emergencies and am planning on buying a house soon; I'm in several small groups and know the importance of community. I'm also very ambitious and driven. The thing is that he had some setbacks due to a previous relationship, which is partly why he's in the position he's in now, though I suspect that there is also some level of comfort in living with his parents making him not be in a rush to move out.

In addition to those differences, he is pretty quiet. I like to joke and laugh a lot and I found that there were crickets when I would try to make jokes and sometimes when I would say something he would not respond to it but just completely change the subject. I think he is a little socially awkward and unsure of himself, which is okay as none of us our perfect, but I am not very drawn to that kind of personality and I wouldn't say we have a blast together when we hang out, it's just okay. I also am the one who mostly sparks up conversation topics, and when I would ask deep questions he would only ask me back about 50% of the time, making me wonder if he really cared to get to know me that well or if he's just shy.

I decided to break things off after a few months of dating because I just didn't see a clear vision of a future with him. He says he wants to move out this year but I am afraid he won't. I kept thinking about how I wish he were more ambitious, driven and responsible. But was this a mistake to end things? I have prayed over and over for guidance from God because I was feeling unsure of things, but I have been feeling so down ever since letting him go, thinking that I will probably never find someone else as kind and who is okay with not having kids. I also know that I can be a little bit prideful (something I am working on in prayer with God), and so I'm wondering if all of those "red flags" are really that or just me expecting someone to be on "my level".

But even if everything else was perfect, should we be with someone who we just feel "okay" with? Where 90% of the time I would be the one bringing up things to talk about? We also don't really share many interests when it comes to conversation, though we do like some of the same activities. I just want a responsible/established man who will love me, lead me, and be faithful to me, who I can have fun with and will make me laugh. Looks, salary etc are not that important to me (I mean I want to be physically attracted of course but I don't expect a guy to be ripped or a millionaire, I just want to be interested in them and have things to talk about). But is someone being kind and loving the Lord enough? Should I ignore the rest and see if he'll take me back? Or maybe I am supposed to be alone forever.

I just feel so lost about what to do.

Life, and someone's Circumstance's can differ from your own for personal reason's.

If you have the money you say you do, you can have the type of future you want with someone as long as they don't take advantage of you. Most people develope in their relationship with someone as they age, and based on Life Expierience.

If you at a different point in Life than this person, than realize that his life expierience's differ from your own.

For instance, no one tell's you everything about what has happened to them because of their own insecuritie's.Generally Speaking, a person with a low level of self-confidence and who is generally why of quiet expresses personality traits consistent with extensive and chronic abuse:

1.) someone who is less trusting because they have no been loved, were abused, and rejected early on in life not being able to properly learn how to form relationShip's and socialize.

as far as breaking up with h, good job, he need's some time to heal and someone who understand's that. You can find someone else.