Dreams

[Sam91]

So it will be 4 years in December.

My partner died at home the day before his 27th birthday (cancer).

I have been dreaming every few weeks that he is alive and in those dreams I am surprised. In each dream I've been carrying on with life thinking he was dead, then I either see him or find out about him. One dream I bumped into him in hospital because I was ill too. Sometimes he wants to spend time with me, once he was angry but normally he say he doesn't want an apology because he doesn't want me burdened. So he'd rather me go on with life than look after him.

I like these dreams because they are comforting in some strange way.

However, I think I might be about to cause myself problems. I wrote a poem last week about how grief changes you. I'd came across a photo the week before of the two of us. As I looked at it I remembered who I used to be and how much more carefree I was. How different etc but surprisingly how secure I felt.

Well, last night I went to sleep remembering what it was like to have a cuddle, or just relaxing with him. That meant I had dreams of him two nights in a row. I don't remember last night's dream but I don't think he was dying in it. I tend to prefer the fact that in my dreams there is little hope because it doesn't seem like those are dangerous dreams.

It was also the 2nd birthday of my brothers since he passed yesterday. My nan died the year before. Well, today at college I heard someone who had the same accent as my gran. I wandered back to class thinking of how each of them made me feel that little bit of security. (Yh I know the Lord is my security) so felt a bit sad.

I ought to stop indulging in the recollection of how each of these people made me feel eh? I'm worried that I'm going to cause myself problems if I persist. But it is so tempting right now.

 

[Dave G.]

It's ok to glance back especially around the anniversary dates, probably expected. But our life is forward and even on into eternity so don't dwell back there to a time gone by. That season is over, the door has closed on it. Will it always be apart of you ? Sure but life is ahead of you not behind.

 

[Aussie Pete]

So it will be 4 years in December.

My partner died at home the day before his 27th birthday (cancer).

I have been dreaming every few weeks that he is alive and in those dreams I am surprised. In each dream I've been carrying on with life thinking he was dead, then I either see him or find out about him. One dream I bumped into him in hospital because I was ill too. Sometimes he wants to spend time with me, once he was angry but normally he say he doesn't want an apology because he doesn't want me burdened. So he'd rather me go on with life than look after him.

I like these dreams because they are comforting in some strange way.

However, I think I might be about to cause myself problems. I wrote a poem last week about how grief changes you. I'd came across a photo the week before of the two of us. As I looked at it I remembered who I used to be and how much more carefree I was. How different etc but surprisingly how secure I felt.

Well, last night I went to sleep remembering what it was like to have a cuddle, or just relaxing with him. That meant I had dreams of him two nights in a row. I don't remember last night's dream but I don't think he was dying in it. I tend to prefer the fact that in my dreams there is little hope because it doesn't seem like those are dangerous dreams.

It was also the 2nd birthday of my brothers since he passed yesterday. My nan died the year before. Well, today at college I heard someone who had the same accent as my gran. I wandered back to class thinking of how each of them made me feel that little bit of security. (Yh I know the Lord is my security) so felt a bit sad.

I ought to stop indulging in the recollection of how each of these people made me feel eh? I'm worried that I'm going to cause myself problems if I persist. But it is so tempting right now.

Ask the Lord Jesus to heal you in those areas. He will. A friend of mine lost her husband 8 years ago. It was on her birthday. She grieved for a few minutes. She did not relive her husband's passing, even though her birthday could have been an acute reminder. One year we had dinner out to celebrate her late husband's life and her birthday. We have the Comforter to set us free. It's tragic, but some people never get over a loss. Her husband and I were friends for over 30 years. In a way, I envy him. He got to see Jesus before me!

 

[Sam91]

Ask the Lord Jesus to heal you in those areas. He will. A friend of mine lost her husband 8 years ago. It was on her birthday. She grieved for a few minutes. She did not relive her husband's passing, even though her birthday could have been an acute reminder. One year we had dinner out to celebrate her late husband's life and her birthday. We have the Comforter to set us free. It's tragic, but some people never get over a loss. Her husband and I were friends for over 30 years. In a way, I envy him. He got to see Jesus before me!

Yh I feel the same way about my little brother. He was baptised two days before he died! Hallelujah. Don't think I needed to grieve for him, he completed my life's ambition. When a Christian dies, they are merely just leaving this world and are joining the Father. We can celebrate. We still miss them from time to time but that gladness does take over.

As for my partner, that's harder. It was a few days before Christmas but we still managed to have a nice, but poignant day that year.

I don't know really what to do for the best. I only accepted that the death of my partner was permanent near the end of last year. Before that I'd have a mental block on it, refuse to think of it, instead just knew I was living without him for an extended period because he had died. The Lord has given much comfort and has meant that I was able to carry on in His strength.

I'm studying defense mechanisms and repression atm at college and am unsure whether I should be experiencing these things so I can confront them rather than pretending they aren't there.

As for being healed, I don't know whether I want that... yet. I am healed in one way. My memories are a comfort to me. He was so kind a man, that I tend to smile most often when I think of him. The sadness I feel sometimes (which isn't that often, more during the September to December period).. I don't know. My throat hurts at the idea of not having that. It would be like losing something more.

 

[Messerve]

So if this is at all comforting to you, you will never cease to grieve once in awhile. And though the memories will fade, with someone you were very close to you will always retain special memories and there will always be triggers that take you back for a moment. A certain smell, a certain accent (as you mentioned), a certain food, things like that.

I understand your reluctance to heal. I've been there. But you don't want to be broken your whole life, either. Your loved ones wouldn't have wanted that for you, right? If they were here, they would tell you to find healing and new joys and experiences.

To illustrate my points above better, I lost a friend to suicide when I was 17. I struggled with that for a few years and wept over it frequently. It was a total shock. I had misinterpreted his uncharacteristic seriousness as (much needed) spiritual maturity and growth, when it seems it was actually depression...

With time, I did heal and move on and make new friends. Yet, just the other day I remembered his personality and voice again and how my little brother looked up to him and imitated him all the time. And the things people said at his funeral and how I was so broken that I went up to the altar at church to have others pray for me... I often shed some tears again when I think about it all. That was nine years ago and he was only a friend. Not even my best friend!

Pretending those deaths didn't happen will never get you anywhere. You have to meet them face on no matter how painful. And you don't do it by your strength alone, as you know. God gives us strength beyond our own abilities when we need it. I'm sure you've seen His little blessings here and there during these dark days. I believe those are His gentle ways of letting us know He sees and knows about it all and is there to support us as we go through it.

So, please, don't be okay with perpetual mourning. Let it run it's course, but don't dwell on it more than you need to. Find people and things who can bring some joy into your life again.

 

[miggles]

So it will be 4 years in December.

My partner died at home the day before his 27th birthday (cancer).

I have been dreaming every few weeks that he is alive and in those dreams I am surprised. In each dream I've been carrying on with life thinking he was dead, then I either see him or find out about him. One dream I bumped into him in hospital because I was ill too. Sometimes he wants to spend time with me, once he was angry but normally he say he doesn't want an apology because he doesn't want me burdened. So he'd rather me go on with life than look after him.

I like these dreams because they are comforting in some strange way.

However, I think I might be about to cause myself problems. I wrote a poem last week about how grief changes you. I'd came across a photo the week before of the two of us. As I looked at it I remembered who I used to be and how much more carefree I was. How different etc but surprisingly how secure I felt.

Well, last night I went to sleep remembering what it was like to have a cuddle, or just relaxing with him. That meant I had dreams of him two nights in a row. I don't remember last night's dream but I don't think he was dying in it. I tend to prefer the fact that in my dreams there is little hope because it doesn't seem like those are dangerous dreams.

It was also the 2nd birthday of my brothers since he passed yesterday. My nan died the year before. Well, today at college I heard someone who had the same accent as my gran. I wandered back to class thinking of how each of them made me feel that little bit of security. (Yh I know the Lord is my security) so felt a bit sad.

I ought to stop indulging in the recollection of how each of these people made me feel eh? I'm worried that I'm going to cause myself problems if I persist. But it is so tempting right now.

i'm so sorry for your loss. i think the dreams are a blessing so you want miss him so much.

 

[blackribbon]

I have come to realize that I will always be broken, however God has made a useful vessel out of the pieces of the person I was before my husband died.

It is a few months from being 11 years for me. Enjoy the good dreams. I found that there was a point where my dreams changed to help me learn to let go.

 

[Sam91]

I have come to realize that I will always be broken, however God has made a useful vessel out of the pieces of the person I was before my husband died.

It is a few months from being 11 years for me. Enjoy the good dreams. I found that there was a point where my dreams changed to help me learn to let go.

I've not had a dream since but I wrote a poem about not recognising myself now after looking at a photograph of the two of us, I'm mostly cropped out of it.


The Photograph

She was left, bereft, that bleakest morning
Heart ceased, deceased, so little warning
A baby to hold and youngsters to tend
She battled on, all's well she'd pretend.

Life was grey, each day, that silent season
Laced with smiles, and guiles, from childlike reason
Time passed, Light shone, thought she'd pulled through
She missed him, she missed the girl that she knew.

Examining herself, feeling betrayed
With rue, beaucoup, for the charade
A stranger within, herself out of view,
Gone, buried, missing, perdu!

EDIT:
Read my OP. I'd already mentioned the poem. Seems like I'd written it before and not after. It feels so long ago that I started this thread too. I've been feeling better again, so thank you to those who've prayed. Bless you!