Hello to all. So my story starts with me growing up in church as far back as I remember(I am 26 now). Growing up I thought that I had been saved because I said the sinner's prayer at a really early age but I can honestly say that I was not really saved to begin with. I have always lived for myself and not to glorify Christ even when I was out doing any type of ministry I had a bad self-righteous attitude. As life continued my sins had gotten worse and I got to a point where I just didn't care.
Well roughly 6 years ago I started to blame God for everything bad that happened in my life and I had gotten so angry. I just wanted to be done with God so I tried what I could to make myself unforgivable. I have since seen that my life has been going nowhere and want to change. I have been trying to connect back with God for roughly 2 months now and turned away from my old life.
To put it into perspective I feel like I have committed spiritual suicide and I have been hereby destined for Hell. I get anxiety often that I don't get the conviction that I need and that there is no hope for me. Reading the word of God condemns me often. I have read on Hebrews 6:4-6 and Hebrews 10:26 and it feels like those passages refer to me. I would really like to lead a righteous life away from sin but I know that I need the holy spirit for that. I am trying really hard to live more like Jesus and be more compassionate but my heart still feels so selfish. The only one who can fix me is Gob but I pretty much told him to stay out of my life and now I feel doomed. I pray that he hears me and is willing to give me another chance but with what I have read on Apostasy I feel like there is no chance. What should I do?
Well roughly 6 years ago I started to blame God for everything bad that happened in my life and I had gotten so angry. I just wanted to be done with God so I tried what I could to make myself unforgivable. I have since seen that my life has been going nowhere and want to change. I have been trying to connect back with God for roughly 2 months now and turned away from my old life.
To put it into perspective I feel like I have committed spiritual suicide and I have been hereby destined for Hell. I get anxiety often that I don't get the conviction that I need and that there is no hope for me. Reading the word of God condemns me often. I have read on Hebrews 6:4-6 and Hebrews 10:26 and it feels like those passages refer to me. I would really like to lead a righteous life away from sin but I know that I need the holy spirit for that. I am trying really hard to live more like Jesus and be more compassionate but my heart still feels so selfish. The only one who can fix me is Gob but I pretty much told him to stay out of my life and now I feel doomed. I pray that he hears me and is willing to give me another chance but with what I have read on Apostasy I feel like there is no chance. What should I do?