Conflict between belief and health

[Kayeliz]

I used to be anorexic for over ten years and still struggle very much with a negative body image. One big reason for the is the stric belief I grew up with. For a long time, I didn't even think being anorexic was bad. I learned that as Christians, we are to deprive ourselves of everything we can. So if I deprived myself of food, that was fine and what God wanted. And the more I destroyed my body, the happier God was with me.

This is one of the things which, to this day, pulls me back. I have a low, but healthy weight and people in my environment say I should not lose any. my doctor told me not to fast at all since I generally have rather low blood sugar and chronic migraine and am a bit underweight, my family would not want me to go through that again and since I tutor kids, I'd get in trouble at the tutoring facilities if I started wasting away.

Yet, there are days when everything inside me screams at me that God wants me to suffer, that He doesn't want me to be healthy because the more I suffer, the better I am as a Christian. Being at a healthy weight means taking care of my body, but God doesn't want me to take care of my body and it would be better for me to be malnourished and ill and isolated than healthy, but enjoying things or taking care of my body.

How can I try to be healthy and to eat normally and to accept myself the way I am when God actually wants me to be very underweight, very ill and suffering? I keep having these thoughts and they pull me back to feeling that if I was Anorexic again, I'd be a lot more what God wants. Are these thoughts right? Is it actually good to suffer and to be ill?
I'm so confused and so frightened. I will never be able to leave the anorexia behind if I keep feeling like that is what God wanted. Does He want us to be damaged and suffering and torturing ourselves? Is there anything in the Bible that says He doesn't? I so want to be healthy, not in this place between life and death, but some people on here and elsewhere talk as if it was bad to be healthy or eating healthy.

 

[blessedmomof5]

Can i ask you a question?

Do you have these?
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness?
because that doesn't sound like a God that you are describing.

John 14:27

27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid

God wants us to have Peace, Joy, Love......

If we have accepted Jesus as our Savior, we have the Spirit living in us....and we Have the Light of Christ..... we are in these earthen vessels and we are to take care of them until we are called home. How can we do God's work if we are starving and miserable? Thats not why he made us.

For we do not preach ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord, and ourselves your bondservants for Jesus’ sake. 6 For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.


7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.

I too have suffered from anorexia, for a long time, and yes there are still days going back seems like a good choice, but thats not from God. I can now discern what i'm hearing. Praise God

 

[Kayeliz]

What you write makes sense and on good days, I can see it that way. But I grew up with some Christians in our church back then who put a lot of emphasis on the importance of suffering and not wanting anything for yourself and neglecting your own body. I was still quite young back then (about 12 years old) and somehow, I felt like I was only a good Christian if I was making life hard for myself. When I wasn't starving myself, I self-injured because somehow, I felt like God could only love me if I showed him that I didn't mind neglecting my body. After all, we are not supposed to are interested in things on earth.

Since then, I have run into a few Christians who claimed that we would be closer to God if we did not take care of our health. That goes to all sorts of extremes, some say we are not even supposed to see a doctor when we are ill. When my knee needed surgery in 2012, I had a time when I worried God might not want me to have surgery, but to live with the constant pain and deterioration and doing something about it was giving my body too much attention.

I know I'm not the only one who thinks this way. Oart of me thinks it is sick and wants to recover from that, but there are a lot of Christians who still preach a kind of self-destructive neglect of the body.

Admittedly, I have become a better Christian since I let go of a bit of my extreme perfectionism and tried to listen to God instead. But it's easy to fall back into a very self-destructive perception of Christianity and many Christians actually seem to think this is what God wants.

 

[blessedmomof5]

Then i suggest you get away from those christians, because they have the word of God twisted.
I'm sorry that you grew up the way you did, in that sorta church, and oh how i pray that it is no longer around, Jesus is LOVE, and Love means not hurting yourself, it means And he answered, "YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR STRENGTH, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND; AND YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF."

1. Heart
2. Soul
3. strength
4. mind
then your neighbor as yourself
See if you do NOT love yourself and that means taking care of you physically spiritually and emotinally , How can you LOVE God?

Do you Get into Gods word everyday? Have you joined a Loving body of believing Church?


Did you get therapy for the anorexia?
I was in and out of hosp, and therapy for 8 yrs. and i think it wasnt until finally i was Prayed over and was told God did not want me to live like this, it was like i was being attacked, although at times i still feel those negatives thoughts creeping back.
so did you get help? Do you have Bible studies? community groups? are you involved in a Church with a loving healthy body of believers

What you write makes sense and on good days, I can see it that way. But I grew up with some Christians in our church back then who put a lot of emphasis on the importance of suffering and not wanting anything for yourself and neglecting your own body. I was still quite young back then (about 12 years old) and somehow, I felt like I was only a good Christian if I was making life hard for myself. When I wasn't starving myself, I self-injured because somehow, I felt like God could only love me if I showed him that I didn't mind neglecting my body. After all, we are not supposed to are interested in things on earth.

Since then, I have run into a few Christians who claimed that we would be closer to God if we did not take care of our health. That goes to all sorts of extremes, some say we are not even supposed to see a doctor when we are ill. When my knee needed surgery in 2012, I had a time when I worried God might not want me to have surgery, but to live with the constant pain and deterioration and doing something about it was giving my body too much attention.

I know I'm not the only one who thinks this way. Oart of me thinks it is sick and wants to recover from that, but there are a lot of Christians who still preach a kind of self-destructive neglect of the body.

Admittedly, I have become a better Christian since I let go of a bit of my extreme perfectionism and tried to listen to God instead. But it's easy to fall back into a very self-destructive perception of Christianity and many Christians actually seem to think this is what God wants.

 

[Kayeliz]

Then i suggest you get away from those christians, because they have the word of God twisted.

I have, but the stuff is still in my head. I do my best to fight it and on good days, i can. On bad days, it all comes back.

Do you Get into Gods word everyday? Have you joined a Loving body of believing Church?

I read the Bible pretty much ever day, but I don't go to church because of my anxiety and social phobia. I tried to go to a Lutheran church around the corner from where I live last year, but it was horrible because of my anxiety, I was dizzy and shaky and very exhausted for the rest of the day and got a major migraine and since then, I have not been able to do it again. I don't have many friends where I live and most of my Christians friends are abroad or in different cities. Being in church can trigger the anxiety about God wanting me to destroy myself, so that's hard for me anyway. I'm hoping to overcome that one day and am in therapy for my anxiety and social phobia and OCD, but it only started in late autumn last year.

Did you get therapy for the anorexia?
I was in and out of hosp, and therapy for 8 yrs. and i think it wasnt until finally i was Prayed over and was told God did not want me to live like this, it was like i was being attacked, although at times i still feel those negatives thoughts creeping back.
so did you get help? Do you have Bible studies? community groups? are you involved in a Church with a loving healthy body of believers

I did get treatment for the Anorexia which was really bad. They stuffed me with strong psychochemicals and it did nothign for me. Eventually, I realized I wanted to live a normal life and have been able to maintain a low, but healthy weight for a few years. I want to have children and I tutor children, I finally want to finish my studies at university and my eating habits have improved a lot. I never feel like binging these days, have regular, small meals and snacks (due to low blood sugar, I eat smaller meals, but more often). On good days, I'm more or less fine with my body. On bad days, I feel fat and the feeling fat makes me feel very sinful at the same time. I then get scared of being too curvy and therefore sinful as well (when actually, I hardly have curves). If a man comes up to me and asks for my phone number or something like that, I feel like I must be too fat and therefore too sexy and God must hate me for that because if I was skinny enough, I would not be attractive to men.

Church is generally quite hard for me because of spiritual abuse I have experienced as a teenager and the social phobia makes it hard to find contact with anyone. Plus, I have experienced in the past that Christians who noticed that I have mental health problems were very nice, but only as in trying to help me a little. Nobody was ever interested in just friendship, just doing something together without the trying to save me from my problems. That is a bit easier with my non-Christian friends because those who are disturbed by my issues have just left and those who are still there truly like me and don't just try to save me. And people used to tell me if I died from the Anorexie, that would be suicide and I would go to hell for it.

 

[blessedmomof5]

That must have been very hard for you to grow up believing that was all true. and having all that fear, to find out it was all LIES, now you need to sort it all out.
You know what stuck out to me? something you said.

I do my best to fight it and on good days

That won't work....well it might feel like it.... But God made us to depend on us. To rely on Him for everything we need. That's is why we go to Him in Prayer and ask. even though He knows what we need before we ask, be we humble ourselves and ask. without God we can do nothing. NOTHING.

My anorexia, was not because i believed God wanted me to be nothing.

mine was other reasons.

and i am now 50:o:o:o:o:o:o:o:o i think it has been this year that i am at a weight that is considered within normal limits, still on the lowish end of normal, But i still see myself and plump. but thats the devils schemes.

Just like when you walk into the church, and you have all the anxiety, satan does not want you in there he'll do anything at all from getting you to step foot back in church.

[QUOTE Being in church can trigger the anxiety about God wanting me to destroy myself,][/QUOTE] Remember that IS not The God of the Bible that Died for your sins and mine, becuase He loved us so much that whosoever believed In HIm would not perish BUT have eternal life....Praise God
I am always here for you, if you want to continue talking i would love to.... thats what we do as the Body of Christ, we love eachother...
Gods Blessings on you, May He free your mind of what has been put into it, and give you freedom in Him...
oh one more thing..
do you listen to Christian music?

I have, but the stuff is still in my head. I do my best to fight it and on good days, i can. On bad days, it all comes back.



I read the Bible pretty much ever day, but I don't go to church because of my anxiety and social phobia. I tried to go to a Lutheran church around the corner from where I live last year, but it was horrible because of my anxiety, I was dizzy and shaky and very exhausted for the rest of the day and got a major migraine and since then, I have not been able to do it again. I don't have many friends where I live and most of my Christians friends are abroad or in different cities. Being in church can trigger the anxiety about God wanting me to destroy myself, so that's hard for me anyway. I'm hoping to overcome that one day and am in therapy for my anxiety and social phobia and OCD, but it only started in late autumn last year.




I did get treatment for the Anorexia which was really bad. They stuffed me with strong psychochemicals and it did nothign for me. Eventually, I realized I wanted to live a normal life and have been able to maintain a low, but healthy weight for a few years. I want to have children and I tutor children, I finally want to finish my studies at university and my eating habits have improved a lot. I never feel like binging these days, have regular, small meals and snacks (due to low blood sugar, I eat smaller meals, but more often). On good days, I'm more or less fine with my body. On bad days, I feel fat and the feeling fat makes me feel very sinful at the same time. I then get scared of being too curvy and therefore sinful as well (when actually, I hardly have curves). If a man comes up to me and asks for my phone number or something like that, I feel like I must be too fat and therefore too sexy and God must hate me for that because if I was skinny enough, I would not be attractive to men.

Church is generally quite hard for me because of spiritual abuse I have experienced as a teenager and the social phobia makes it hard to find contact with anyone. Plus, I have experienced in the past that Christians who noticed that I have mental health problems were very nice, but only as in trying to help me a little. Nobody was ever interested in just friendship, just doing something together without the trying to save me from my problems. That is a bit easier with my non-Christian friends because those who are disturbed by my issues have just left and those who are still there truly like me and don't just try to save me. And people used to tell me if I died from the Anorexie, that would be suicide and I would go to hell for it.

 

[Kayeliz]

That won't work....well it might feel like it.... But God made us to depend on us. To rely on Him for everything we need. That's is why we go to Him in Prayer and ask. even though He knows what we need before we ask, be we humble ourselves and ask. without God we can do nothing. NOTHING.

Believe me, I know that and I pray a lot. But I also feel like I need to try as much as I can to show God that I'm willing to change something.

My anorexia, was not because i believed God wanted me to be nothing.

Just like when you walk into the church, and you have all the anxiety, satan does not want you in there he'll do anything at all from getting you to step foot back in church.

Maybe, yes, I'd like to be able to go to church one day, but for the moment, i just don't manage to do it. I've had discussions with people who told me I could never be a real Christian if I didn't go to church, but I didn't dare to tell them about my extreme anxiety and migraines. I have prayed about it and I hope God will show me when it is time, when it is possible for me to cope with it.

oh one more thing..
do you listen to Christian music?

Sometimes. There isn't much Christian music I like. The German Christian music is boring and bad quality. I don't like German music anyway because their singing is awful these days, they don't pronounce the words properly so often, I can't understand the text. I like music by Moya Brennan and used to have tapes by Amy Grant that I liked and I like Symphonic Metal (Heavy metal with a symphony orchestra and choirs which sounds quite amazing) and there is a band called HB that does Christian Symphonic metal.

 

[blessedmomof5]

Hi,

I still cannot believe people still say stuff like this.

I've had discussions with people who told me I could never be a real Christian if I didn't go to church,

Because we as people are Called to be the church...
Lets say the Church burns to the ground, but all the people that attended the Church are still here, does that mean the "church" does not exist? is it the building or the people that make the building the church?

wow


I am more this.kind of music..Your Grace Finds Me (Live From LIFT: A Worship Leader Col... - YouTube

 

[RuthD]

I used to be anorexic for over ten years and still struggle very much with a negative body image. One big reason for the is the stric belief I grew up with. For a long time, I didn't even think being anorexic was bad. I learned that as Christians, we are to deprive ourselves of everything we can. So if I deprived myself of food, that was fine and what God wanted. And the more I destroyed my body, the happier God was with me.

This is one of the things which, to this day, pulls me back. I have a low, but healthy weight and people in my environment say I should not lose any. my doctor told me not to fast at all since I generally have rather low blood sugar and chronic migraine and am a bit underweight, my family would not want me to go through that again and since I tutor kids, I'd get in trouble at the tutoring facilities if I started wasting away.

Yet, there are days when everything inside me screams at me that God wants me to suffer, that He doesn't want me to be healthy because the more I suffer, the better I am as a Christian. Being at a healthy weight means taking care of my body, but God doesn't want me to take care of my body and it would be better for me to be malnourished and ill and isolated than healthy, but enjoying things or taking care of my body.

How can I try to be healthy and to eat normally and to accept myself the way I am when God actually wants me to be very underweight, very ill and suffering? I keep having these thoughts and they pull me back to feeling that if I was Anorexic again, I'd be a lot more what God wants. Are these thoughts right? Is it actually good to suffer and to be ill?
I'm so confused and so frightened. I will never be able to leave the anorexia behind if I keep feeling like that is what God wanted. Does He want us to be damaged and suffering and torturing ourselves? Is there anything in the Bible that says He doesn't? I so want to be healthy, not in this place between life and death, but some people on here and elsewhere talk as if it was bad to be healthy or eating healthy.

You have some beliefs that are actually making you act in the manner you do with food. God does not want us to suffer all the time or be anorexic. He wants us to have good lives and thrive and be healthy and happy. I am very much over what "normal" weight is. I have accepted that this is the way I am right now even though sometimes I'm unhappy about it, too. God is more concerned with what we do with our lives, how we treat others, and how we stand up to strong morals.

 

[ALEA40]

How can I try to be healthy and to eat normally and to accept myself the way I am when God actually wants me to be very underweight, very ill and suffering?

I'm so sorry for your struggles!!! I DO NOT believe that God wants you to be underweight, ill and suffering. God wants you to be HEALTHY, STRONG and filled with the Holy Spirit so you can be the hands and feet of Jesus here on earth!!!

Fill your plate every day with high quality proteins, whole grains, fruits, vegi's, nuts, olive oil and coconut oil, every day! If you can afford organic, all the better. Buy locally raised grassfed meats, poultry, milk and produce whenever possible. Wheat today is not the same as it was 2000 years ago (or even 50 years ago) and it has been genetically modified. Look for other sources of healthy grains like quinoa, brown rice, amaranth, bulgur, whole oats, rye, buckwheat, freekeh, etc. These are not the kind of foods that leads to overeating or overindulging. You eat enough to sustain your body.

I see no evidence that Jesus regularly starved himself. He walked A LOT. He had to have been eating plenty of food to sustain his mission here on earth. He would have eaten fish, bread, olives, olive oil, figs, grapes, dates, pomegranates, etc, all of which are great travel foods. We all need to take care of our bodies as they are a vessel for the Holy Spirit.

Blessings to you!!!

 

[8erKid]

Are these thoughts right? Is it actually good to suffer and to be ill?
I'm so confused and so frightened. I will never be able to leave the anorexia behind if I keep feeling like that is what God wanted. Does He want us to be damaged and suffering and torturing ourselves? Is there anything in the Bible that says He doesn't? I so want to be healthy, not in this place between life and death, but some people on here and elsewhere talk as if it was bad to be healthy or eating healthy.

God doesn't want you to damage your body. He wants you to be healthy and live a fulfilling life:

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."

 

[Kayeliz]

I keep reading in various areas if this forum how sinful it is to gain weight, to eat more than you need, to weigh more than you have to in order to be healthy. I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that being at least moderately anorexic seems to be the only way of avoiding negative judgement from certain Christians.

We Christians have become generally cruel towards each other. You have a psychiatric problem? Something is wrong with your life as a Christian, otherwise you wouldn't have any psychiatric problems. Or maybe it's some sin you're being punished for. You're poor? You're obviously a failure and lazy or stupid or both, otherwise you wouldn't be poor. You or a family member have some illness or disability? Someone in your family must have done something bad that you are being punished for now. You had sex before marriage? Forget all about being a Christian, you wil rot in hell, not matter what you do for the rest of your life.

This is, admittedly, a little extreme, but to be honest, this is the picture I'm increasingly getting. I'm still clinging to the thought that God isn't that cruel, that forgiveness and grace is not just for those who don't need it, but so many Christians have such extreme demands of perfectionism and judge and condemn each other if they do not meet those demands. And that is the reason I first became anorexic and the reason it is still on my mind that often. Anorexia means punishing yourself in some way, which seems to be a great thing to do for a Christian, and it means showing you are willing to hurt yourself to meet at least some of all those demands. I'm not sure God really wants that, but throughout the time that I have spend on Christian forums, German ones and international ones, I've been getting the impression it is what many Christians want. There are so many extreme views on what we should be like as Christians, so many demands I will never be able to fulfill, so many negative thoughts on what you have to do to yourself as a Christian.

 

[ALEA40]

I keep reading in various areas if this forum how sinful it is to gain weight, to eat more than you need, to weigh more than you have to in order to be healthy. I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that being at least moderately anorexic seems to be the only way of avoiding negative judgement from certain Christians.

We Christians have become generally cruel towards each other. You have a psychiatric problemv? Something is wrong with your life as a Christian, otherwise you wouldn't have any psychiatric problems. Or maybe it's some sin you're being punished for. You're poor? You're obviously a failure and lazy or stupid or both, otherwise you wouldn't be poor. You or a family member have some illness or disability? Someone in your family must have done something bad that you are being punished for now. You had sex before marriage? Forget all about being a Christian, you wil rot in hell, not matter what you do for the rest of your life.

I'm sorry Kayeliz but I'm not sure what part of this forum you are in. I would stay well away from any that sound as you have described. These comments sound like old testament views like those of Job's friends in the book of Job. I have only found much love and support here. I would stay well away from any portions of this forum (or any other) where people are saying as you have described. We are here to love and support you, especially when dealing with disease. We have to remember that there are many forces at work through disease. Sometimes God uses disease to draw us closer (I just read that in Practicing His Presence- a beautiful little book). Sometimes ailments such as eating disorders are attacks by the enemy (I recently read about it in The Bondage Breaker). I found it very interesting since my mother has had a lifelong issue with anorexia and bulimia, and has yet to find Christ.

We are all on this journey with you Deepest blessings, love and peace to you

 

[Kayeliz]

Sorry it took me so long to reply.
Admittedly, it wasn't just this forum, but some German ones I had been on as well. It was all a bit too much. Someone on one of the Germans more or less said having a disabled child means you have sinned and are being punished (not that I have a disabled child) and it is stuff like that which gets me frustrated and anxious because eventually, that turns into a very negative and self-distructive way of seeing life.

I have been trying to cling to the positivethings and to generally be less hard on myself. It has never done me or others any good and so I might tryas well to see things a bit more positively and be less hard on myself.

What I have noticed is that, generally, on internetforums there are many very extreme and negative views. Some might be trolls, not sure, but some stuff is extremely scary to read. One guy ona German forum once claimed we were never supposed to see a doctor if we were ill or injured or to take care of ourselves or to eat and drink enough because God wanted us alive just enough to barely survive so we'd concentrate on the spiritual life more.

 

[kglahoda]

Hi Kayeliz,

I've battled anorexia off and on for 21 years. It's only in the past year I've been willing to do something about it. I've been on the healing journey now and am recovering.

I would encourage you to keep reading the Word. There is so much power in God's Word. In fact, Ephesians 2 says it's our offensive weapon, with which to fight the Enemy. You've believed Satan's lies about needing to suffer. I would be very interesting in knowing the Scripture with which you were taught that it's not okay to feel good about your body, etc. Since I don't know these, I want to encourage you with a Word from the Bible. It's the story of Elijah in 1 Kings 19:13. He fled for his life because King Ahab's wife, Jezebel, wanted to kill him. On his journey, he sat under a broom tree and actually prayed that he would die. He curled up and went to sleep. An angel instructs him twice to get up and eat because the journey was too much for his body. He needed an angel from God to get him to eat. God knew he needed provision for his body. God knew He had much more in store for Elijah. He needed him strong and healthy for his journey.

My battle against anorexia took a turn when I realized God could use me to help in His healing plans for other people. I believe the same thing for you. God has plans for you. He wants you to nourish your body. In Matthew 28, He calls us to His Great Commission, to go and make Disciples of all the nations. We can't do this if we are weak...or dead. We cannot carry out his mission if we don't have the health to do it.

Anorexia is an identity issue. It's a shame issue. It's a need to receive love issue. God is with you with open arms. He loves you because He created you. He never created us to be perfect. If we were, we wouldn't need Him. In fact, He loves you because you're not perfect. He died for you because you are not perfect, and neither am I. His love is redeeming. I pray you receive His Grace in your journey.

I invite you to check out my blog: Perfectly Imperfect: How God Paints Us Beautiful at kristylahoda.net

Blessings...

I used to be anorexic for over ten years and still struggle very much with a negative body image. One big reason for the is the stric belief I grew up with. For a long time, I didn't even think being anorexic was bad. I learned that as Christians, we are to deprive ourselves of everything we can. So if I deprived myself of food, that was fine and what God wanted. And the more I destroyed my body, the happier God was with me.

This is one of the things which, to this day, pulls me back. I have a low, but healthy weight and people in my environment say I should not lose any. my doctor told me not to fast at all since I generally have rather low blood sugar and chronic migraine and am a bit underweight, my family would not want me to go through that again and since I tutor kids, I'd get in trouble at the tutoring facilities if I started wasting away.

Yet, there are days when everything inside me screams at me that God wants me to suffer, that He doesn't want me to be healthy because the more I suffer, the better I am as a Christian. Being at a healthy weight means taking care of my body, but God doesn't want me to take care of my body and it would be better for me to be malnourished and ill and isolated than healthy, but enjoying things or taking care of my body.

How can I try to be healthy and to eat normally and to accept myself the way I am when God actually wants me to be very underweight, very ill and suffering? I keep having these thoughts and they pull me back to feeling that if I was Anorexic again, I'd be a lot more what God wants. Are these thoughts right? Is it actually good to suffer and to be ill?
I'm so confused and so frightened. I will never be able to leave the anorexia behind if I keep feeling like that is what God wanted. Does He want us to be damaged and suffering and torturing ourselves? Is there anything in the Bible that says He doesn't? I so want to be healthy, not in this place between life and death, but some people on here and elsewhere talk as if it was bad to be healthy or eating healthy.