I've never been able to make friends. All throughout elementary, middle, high school, and college I've struggled with anxiety. My parents never listened to me when I told them about the bullies or bad treatment from teachers. Roommates hated me (I remember hiding in my room an entire day not making a sound so they wouldn't know that I was home. I just couldn't talk to them.)
It's hard for me to speak to strangers. Only just this year I became comfortable greeting grocery store workers or gym instructors. But it's still hard beyond, "hello."
Everything about me is just wrong: my looks, voice, personality...
There are some girls at church who I thought I could be friends with, but they made fun of me during Bible study. And I found out that girls in another group hated me.
Also, I'm sure my pastor hates me too. He makes these disgusted faces when he sees me at church. And I'm pretty sure he hates my presence, he goes out of his way. I emailed him once apologizing for being rude and he ignored me, then made a remark during the next service about people bothering him in emails.
I don't know what to do. I can't keep changing churches, and this loneliness is eating away at my desire to keep living. Again I feel like God has abandoned me.
It's hard for me to speak to strangers. Only just this year I became comfortable greeting grocery store workers or gym instructors. But it's still hard beyond, "hello."
Everything about me is just wrong: my looks, voice, personality...
There are some girls at church who I thought I could be friends with, but they made fun of me during Bible study. And I found out that girls in another group hated me.
Also, I'm sure my pastor hates me too. He makes these disgusted faces when he sees me at church. And I'm pretty sure he hates my presence, he goes out of his way. I emailed him once apologizing for being rude and he ignored me, then made a remark during the next service about people bothering him in emails.
I don't know what to do. I can't keep changing churches, and this loneliness is eating away at my desire to keep living. Again I feel like God has abandoned me.