Dating apps have filter flaws

I haven't tried any filters on the dating apps I use because you have to pay for that, but I'm assuming they work as intended i.e. you don't get to see anyone who doesn't meet the selected criteria.

The only potential shortcoming I can see is that they might also exclude anyone who hasn't filled in that bit of information e.g. if you only want to see non-smokers, you wouldn't see anyone who hadn't indicated either way. But that depends on whether the filers are inclusive or exclusive, and that's something I don't know.

Stick to your non-negotiables. And attract someone with your energy, not through an app. (If possible.)

It's a soul destroying experience spending dinner with someone from an app who isn't on your wavelength - let alone a series of dates. And I don't think I need to tell you how it feels to wake up next to them the following morning either. (You want to talk about oblivion? That's oblivion.)

There's love, there's hate, there's indifference - but there's something else too, and it's a feeling I can't quite explain, but it's dreadfully lonely and a feeling you can only ever experience when your body and soul falls into the wrong hands.

The only blessing in all of those days of internet dating madness, is that the darkest darks have now made the brightest lights shine even brighter. I was young then, but I'm older and so much wiser for having gone through it.


Tip: don't go through it. Your life is too important.

Sir Robbins said:

After reading more internet articles and forums regarding christian singles and the reasoning behind so many wanting marriage but cannot find partners, I know of one culprit for certain.

Dating apps, even the likes of eHarmony, are flawed when it comes to filtering out one's desires and preferences.

I explicitly put over and over that I do not want someone who drinks alcohol in any capacity nor do I want children. Every match I get are women who want one or both and it just gets old. I have walked away from apps and websites and the church is no better, when I even go.

It just seems to be a hopeless road that ends with me driving off a cliff into oblivion.

Has anyone else been less than satisfied with the results of matches or filtering systems with these?

Should I just accept my fate with my non-negotiables?

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Nothing wrong at all with being honest ... there have been some successful matches through "dating apps" ... kind of a "crap shoot" though it seems. It can be used to filter out people though and wasting time.

I think dating apps are trying to force it so don’t use them, but I do know even God-fearing Christians have met who they married off them so it does happen.

When you say churches don’t work, how involved are you? How long have you been / were involved? What do you think was reason they 'don't work.'

Sir Robbins said:

The primary reason they don't work for me is that all the women I used to meet in church wanted kids and the members who knew I didn't would talk down to me about it and discourage women from connecting with me. I have had 2 girls in the past actually admit it. I am not upset about it as it's better than getting far in and realizing they won't change my mind and leaving them hurt. I have not been in years and at my age, it's now a red flag.

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I understand. The more God-fearing the believers, the more having kids is pushed. There’s many theological reasons for this understanding. But is it true for all believers in marriage relationships……….? I don't think it is otherwise everyone in marriage relationships who wanted kids would have them, but this isn't the case!

I think either way couples need to be open to it & the right atittude that goes along with it. If not, you’re better off not married as you say.

Dating apps are intentionally designed to be an uphill battle, because that approach brings in the most money. The statistics on men who've had success on these apps are very dishearteningly low. There are those who have found someone that way, but that seems like the exception as opposed to the rule.

I see what you've posted on not desiring children. That's going to add to an already hard fight because in Christian circles that's an absolutely controversial take. Having that as a blanket label on a profile, without an accompanying description as to why, is adding to the challenge on top of that. If members of your church are discouraging women from connecting with you, that is absolutely abhorrent behaviour.

But I would encourage you not to give up. God knows your heart better than you do, seek His help in this area. It says He will give you the desires of your heart. Do what you know to do, and rely on God for the rest. Believe that God will provide a wife for you with certainty, even if you force yourself to do so. Accepting defeat is going to create a self fulfilling prophecy effect.

Sir Robbins said:

My issue is I work in the same field my dad did. He was gone, ALL THE TIME and I refuse to be that kind of person, who has a kid at home I rarely see. I travel a lot for work, 95% of it actually. It's a primary reason for my singleness too. I have read articles that criticize Christians who marry with no intent on kids and I understand their argument. It scares churches as families are what fill the pews, tithe and so on. I also understand that having kids is the best way to disciple as most are not good at or have any desire to work in the mission field. I will likely never marry and remain childless and my career has more to do with it that much of anything else. It's just my reality. I am married to my business you could say. Sadly, my business doesn't listen to me, talk, hug me and so on. I am sadly used to it having been deprived of affection as a kid. A dad always gone and an emotionally distant mother. My use of apps and dating sites over the years only confirmed my suspicions making it worse for me.

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I think you have a logical reason for not wanting kids. Being concerned you won’t be there for them is very genuine. But also part of life.......Every child has a parent that they don't see 24/7. Perhaps speak to parents where one traveled a lot how it worked.

But ‘more money’ or ‘discipleship’ isn’t the theological reasons. ‘More money’ is a poor reason b/c often the child ends up going to a different church (& many times different denomination or even not at all) when they’re grown. Discipleship by itself is poor too b/c genuine Christians are discipling others their whole life & don't need to rely on a kid to accomplish that call

Is there a lot of connection in your business? Like, do you meet with clients or have a lot of face-to-face interaction with coworkers? Do you just sit by yourself at a desk all day?

I stopped going on dating sites when they kept matching me up with great danes!!!

The other side to this, is that you DID get married, but never got into business. I don't know if it's better to feel a bit lonely but otherwise fulfilled, or happily married, but feeling incredibly unfulfilled.

Wild horses couldn't pull me away from doing what I'm most passionate about - and my passion can overwhelm even my most basic human instincts (eat, sleep, etc.) You're probably similar if work/business has taken priority this far.

I'd be a terribly bad husband on the whole - I know this, so I steer clear. I'm not saying you would be, but it's hard to be good at everything.

It can be done though.

ReluctantInquisitor said:

Dating apps are intentionally designed to be an uphill battle, because that approach brings in the most money. The statistics on men who've had success on these apps are very dishearteningly low. There are those who have found someone that way, but that seems like the exception as opposed to the rule.

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It's actually quite tough for women as well.

I found that through meeting other women, that our "match counts" were actually quite similar, but the conversations are diabolical. There's too many to keep track of, so all of them get lost in the shuffle, and when you receive a new match, all of the matches and conversations get pushed down the stack.

You actually get talking to one or two that you really like, but you DO just forget - and by the time you reply, it's a week later and then they forget, move on, or leave the app entirely.

It's better to meet organically in real life. It's really really hard to forget good chemistry, good shared experiences and real life conversation. Especially when this happens at the same time as trying the online dating thing.

When you return to your original state of being, you will discover that your partner's life is intricately intertwined with your own. It is within God's power to create a suitable partner for you from this shared life. Every experience of pain and hardship serves as a call to return to this fundamental truth, even something as seemingly insignificant as a common cold or flu.

Our loss of purpose is at the heart of the matter. That's the real issue. The ultimate goal of any relationship, or indeed anything at all (doing business or going to church), should be to seek a deeper understanding of God and to be known by God. It is within this pursuit that true fulfillment can be found. Whether kids or no kids, this or that.

Sir Robbins said:

I explicitly put over and over that I do not want someone who drinks alcohol in any capacity nor do I want children. Every match I get are women who want one or both and it just gets old. I have walked away from apps and websites and the church is no better, when I even go.

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Your filter would probably result to zero match.

So the app, to avoid discouraging you, gave you something. The makers of the app probably weighed in the option of showing a zero vs something (not perfectly matching the filter) and latter option gave better results so there you go. It's probably not a flaw but by design.

I'm sorry to hear that the church has been disappointing, but that should never be a reason for us to disappoint God. Our responsibility is to love the Church just as Christ loved us, despite all our imperfections and shortcomings. This is our mission as God's partners in co-creating and bringing about a new heaven and a new earth.