i have free will, but over the pass few months i have seen God also playing a (seemingly) very active role in my life, my mind, etc. i dont want to give my whole life story here, but i know certainly God is actively rebuilding who I am, at my very core. hard to explain, but it feel like God has really taken the reins in my life since 2024 started. it was a free will choice to go to church. it was a free will choice to start taking better care of my body. but I believe God influenced these decisionsAre you certain the Lord is behind it? You have free will. If you've developed an attraction is He to blame? You went there to worship and in the course of doing so you saw someone you liked.
idk, i dont think you help who youre attracted too. pursuing her or whatever is a choice but i did not choose the attraction in generalAnd liking her is a choice.
yes and yes.From what you've posted thus far you seem to get carried away and spend too much time in your head. Overthinking is your nemesis.
probablyIf you're consistently developing one-sided attractions that might suggest you're unable to recognize interest or oblivious to reciprocity until you're too invested.
i wouldnt say its a blame. but my heart is softened to want certain thingsWhy are you blaming God for your choices? Why are you blaming him for your emotional attachments?
i like to solve things. if im facing an issue like this attraction....i want to solve it, i want to fast forward to the result. the idea of the "chase", trying to do this chess game of timing, when it is appropriate to say this or that, how to get to know her, etc etc....i hate it because i dont feel in control of it. and i dont mean im a control freak exactly, its just...theres not much i can do about it.It's evident your desire for a companion is influencing your behavior but you can't be ruled by your thoughts or feelings. They must be harnessed.
In light of what you've shared you'd be better off holding yourself in check until an acquaintance is in place and you're able to gauge their interest through your interactions. If you don't excel at reading the opposite sex stop expecting yourself to do things you struggle with.
its not exactly desperation. its just....i have wanted to be a husband and father since i was a teenager. and that doesnt mean this girl will be the wife or mother of my children. but anytime there is potential for that kind of thing, i get excited and in my head...Slow down and take a deep breath. It isn't the end if the world and you don't know where things are heading. If you approach your connections in this state you'll be upset. It doesn't have to work. You're not desperate and she isn't the only one in the Kingdom to choose from.
i have giant, vibrant mural of things to be grateful for. friends and family, and all kinds of blessings. but this mural has always had a blemish or blank spot in that, i have not obtained this goal of finding a good, solid woman in my life. this has always been a sticking point for me, and ive been praying for a wife for a long time.
im not saying God owes me this. Everything according to His will, not mine. But this blank spot weighs so much. it feels like the only thing truly missing, and its a bi source of hurt for me
so when i see God blessing me with so many things, i often wonder if this is blessing is ever coming. i have a home...but i want to be blessed with a family to fill it. God knows it is not good for man to be alone...why am i? its feels, for most of my life i have been doing something wrong and that is why a wife has eluded me. which is true. past addictions and all this kind of stuff. but now that God has pointed me on a path to better know Him and have a stronger relationship with Him, and im living correctly (or more correctly than i was)....i feel like more blessings with come my way.
the right woman starts as a crush, dont you think? no one can say, and thats what is driving me insane.Stop living with a scarcity mindset and make peace with your desire for marriage. The right girl is more important than a crush. Don't lose your head. Make a list of the qualities you desire in a future spouse and ask for them in prayer. Then let it go.
The blessing of the LORD brings [true] riches, And He adds no sorrow to it [for it comes as a blessing from God].
thanks for listening to my rambling/venting/whatever
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