Interacting with men?

[Elliemare]

Is it just me or does anyone else feel self-conscious when working with, talking to, dealing with men? Especially in the church?

I feel terribly uncomfortable around men, particularly in the church setting. I do a lot of volunteering at church and there are lots of men on the various teams I work with. I get uncomfortable if I get into too lengthy a conversation with a man. I don't like to make eye contact with them and I fear I may come across as too friendly, or the opposite and seem rude out of fear of sending mixed signals?

I don't know if this is due to my past history in the sex industry or my past experience with men and sex in general? Probably a combination of all of those things.

I have been victimized by men so many times that I just don't feel comfortable around them. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and be able to be myself. I know I should be able to trust Godly church going men, but we all know that even good men can fall into sin... and I just don't trust any of them.

 

[BlondieLashes]

You're not alone Ellie! I went through a period of many years after leaving the industry of being uncomfortable around men. I still have a hard time with it at times but now it translates more into being uncomfortable with "strange" people being around my son.

 

[Elliemare]

I certainly feel uncomfortable, but there is also this underlying feeling of guilt? If that makes any sense? Like I'm afraid I'll be accused of hitting on someone's husband or something like that? My husband doesn't attend church with me so that makes it even worse. I think if he were an active participant I wouldn't feel quite so awkward. I often wonder if people think that we have marital problems since he doesn't attend church with me.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Gotcha. I'm a bit older now (41) so I guess I don't worry about it as much. But I could see being an attractive, young woman talking to a man in church that it could be taken the wrong way...but I honestly wouldn't worry too much about it. People are people and you can't control what they are going to think of you. Just do what makes you feel safe.

 

[Elliemare]

I just wish I could get beyond this underlying feeling of guilt... or is it shame? I feel like I did something wrong, even though I didn't do a thing?

I've had a lot of experiences with men in the past where I thought we were just platonic friends, only to find out that the man's "friendship" really came with alterior motives. Most of the men in church are really nice and friendly... that kind of scares me a bit. I keep thinking is he just sincerely a nice guy, or is he after something?

I haven't been very good at maintaining healthy boundaries in the past so I go from overly protective and standoffish to naive.... or at least I used to. I'm trying to figure out what's healthy now.

 

[Whispers and Ashes]

Hmmm.... Ya I can relate a lot to this. It's pretty bad actually for me personally and it really effects my life. I really don't even go out because I hate guys hitting on me. I get hit on all the time when i go out and I hate it! I literally get tense through my whole body.... I find i just don't even go out because of it.... But that's life for me I guess... I probably sound annoying complaining about attention.... But.... I just have a lot of issues when it comes to men... Well people really.... I find its better to just be alone because most people will just hurt or use me in the end.

 

[Elliemare]

I'm to the point now where I blame myself for the issues that I've had with men in the past. I think I must be doing something or acting a certain way, so to counteract that I usually don't make eye contact, I keep conversation brief, I am almost rude at times I'm so afraid of giving someone the wrong idea.

I don't even know the pastor of my church very well because I'm afraid to talk to him one on one! Isn't that terrible?

I used to go to a church that didn't allow men to counsel women and vice versa, they also didn't allow two people of the opposite sex in the prayer room alone together. The church I go to now isn't like that at all, so I shouldn't feel any guilt... but I do. I know its internal, its not anything I've done, its my past I feel guilty about and ashamed of.

 

[paul becke]

From what I've read about the US, Elliemare, unfortunately, I suspect you have a healthy kind of paranoia. The whole West is depraved, but the US, in particular. Servicemen are even raping their female comrades, with the result that rather than go to the toilet at night, female sailors store it up and get a urinary tract infection, according to a female ship's doctor. A young female soldier in Iraq died of dehydration, for much the same reason.

Don't blame yourself, Elliemare. There is guilt and the memory/fear it leaves behind; even the memory/fear of an irrational feeling of guilt (when you're innocent) can leave behind! What I'm saying is that a feeling of guilt can spread irrationally.

I don't want to scare you, saying that, but the opposite. Don't blame yourself. There is a 99% chance that you, like so many American women, are above and beyond all else, a victim. Of course, you're human and prone to sin like all of us, but, it surely doesn't apply in this situation. It's a mixture of lessons you've learned concerning prudence around men, and an irrational feeling of guilt, as a psychological legacy.

If you were a Catholic, I'd suggest you just make a general confession. You're not expected to go into details.

It's not an answer to your problem, Ellie, but I hope it encourages you not to look for guilt in yourself in this situation, but to see it as a psychological legacy you just have to deal with 'one day at a time'. What's past is past and obviously forgiven by the Almighty. A psycho would have been completely unaffected.

I had an aunt (family friend), whose husband wasn't a Catholic, but he used to go to Mass with her every Sunday. Any chance of your husband just going along for your sake, if you tell him your problem? What a pity your current church isn't run on the same lines as your previous one.

 

[Elliemare]

It is an irrational feeling of guilt that I have, and I shouldn't feel that way.

I understand why my new church doesn't separate the men and women like my old church did. They feel that in doing so it is implying or suggesting that we cannot control ourselves to behave in a Godly way as if we don't have the strength to stand up to the temptation. Basically the church doesn't want to lay any irrational guilt on us either. I do understand that.

I've had some recent positive encounters with men that is boosting my confidence. I do think there are good men out there who can be trusted. I recently saw a client in my home office, a man from my church. Everything was fine and we even got to talking about the topic of abortion??? Rather odd topic, but I feel it was no coincidence. I'm being called by God to get into the post-abortive counseling ministry and I've been ignoring the call. This was just another nudge from the holy spirit.

Today, my pastor mentioned abortion from the pulpit and how those of us who have been through bad experiences should use that experience and the healing process to help others.... Another nudge, or was this a kick in the pants from God to get moving into this ministry???

A few weeks ago, I shared a story about a friend of mine and some healing that took place in regard to her abortion. I shared this with a man in my church. It brought tears to his eyes.

The fact that I've had these encounters with men, and how all three were positive interactions where I felt no more fear and no more shame, is very encouraging to me that I'm healing and God has plans for my life.

 

[paul becke]

That really is good, Ellie. Your tone is so much happier. Although I didn't mean to convey that I thought all American men were sex maniacs, which would be completely absurd of course.

To discern the hand of Divine Providence acting in our lives is a real blessing, giving us strength for the pilgrimage; and you would surely be able to make a big difference in the lives of many unfortunate women, giving them hope and courage, per pro the Man Upstairs.

I take your point about your former church and this one.

 

[Elliemare]

I think I also need to realize that I can trust myself now too. I've been victimized by men in the past and done things I didn't want to do out of guilt and shame. I'm no longer living under guilt and shame and if some man tries to manipulate me, I know now I can stand my ground and just say NO! I think that is the biggest thing I need to remember, I have healthy boundaries now... I didn't used to, but I do now!

 

[paul becke]

Perhaps, even, in that regard, you are stronger now than if you hadn't been through what you have. It was good to read your now your own woman, anyway.

 

[vortigen84]

Is it just me or does anyone else feel self-conscious when working with, talking to, dealing with men? Especially in the church?

I feel terribly uncomfortable around men, particularly in the church setting. I do a lot of volunteering at church and there are lots of men on the various teams I work with. I get uncomfortable if I get into too lengthy a conversation with a man. I don't like to make eye contact with them and I fear I may come across as too friendly, or the opposite and seem rude out of fear of sending mixed signals?

I don't know if this is due to my past history in the sex industry or my past experience with men and sex in general? Probably a combination of all of those things.

I have been victimized by men so many times that I just don't feel comfortable around them. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and be able to be myself. I know I should be able to trust Godly church going men, but we all know that even good men can fall into sin... and I just don't trust any of them.

So it's men at church who you feel most uncomfortable around.

This will either mean that these church men are particularly dodgy, or that you have some specific hangup that is being triggered around them. (As for them falling into sin, they don't have to be a church going man to do that, so that can be factored out.)

Do you also start to get feelings of inadequacy around them, as if you're somehow not good enough to talk to them?