I had a terrible day and went way too far..

[David2019]

Today I've had a terrible day because I unleashed 5 years of bottled up anger I've had against God and essentially called Him a useless shepherd that doesn't care for His flock, that I hated Him and tested Him to kill me right on the spot or that I otherwise would buy a bottle of sleeping pills on the way home and do it myself.

For context, I have OCD and depressive episodes and I'm currently on medication but I still suffer greatly from this illness. I have better days but there are exceptions like today where I feel downright exhausted of life and would want nothing more than to fall into an eternal slumber or to never have been brought into existence at all.

But for the 5 past years of being a christian I suffered from every possible intrusive thought, doubting my salvation has been my daily bread, developed a phobia for prayer somehow and these have been, speaking mentally, one of the darkest periods of my life. I occassionally ask God to take my life but He won't listen to any kind of prayer I utter. I haven't lost my faith but why does it seem like God harbors an intense hatred against me by afflicting me with this disease?

 

[Joseph G]

Prayed for you... Don't think you are alone in these struggles. If you have accepted Jesus as your Savior and Lord, you are sealed by His Holy Spirit, and can stand firm on this rock-solid promise because He declares you righteous, in opposition to all accusations of the enemy:

Psalm 34:17-22 NKJV

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the Lord delivers him out of them all.
He guards all his bones;
Not one of them is broken.
Evil shall slay the wicked,
And those who hate the righteous shall be condemned.
The Lord redeems the soul of His servants,
And none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned."

God bless!

 

[JesusFollowerForever]

Today I've had a terrible day because I unleashed 5 years of bottled up anger I've had against God and essentially called Him a useless shepherd that doesn't care for His flock, that I hated Him and tested Him to kill me right on the spot or that I otherwise would buy a bottle of sleeping pills on the way home and do it myself.

For context, I have OCD and depressive episodes and I'm currently on medication but I still suffer greatly from this illness. I have better days but there are exceptions like today where I feel downright exhausted of life and would want nothing more than to fall into an eternal slumber or to never have been brought into existence at all.

But for the 5 past years of being a christian I suffered from every possible intrusive thought, doubting my salvation has been my daily bread, developed a phobia for prayer somehow and these have been, speaking mentally, one of the darkest periods of my life. I occassionally ask God to take my life but He won't listen to any kind of prayer I utter. I haven't lost my faith but why does it seem like God harbors an intense hatred against me by afflicting me with this disease?

Hello David, I do not suffer of ocd but suffer similar problems, it is not easy to live in this world as a christian. I myself do not want to be part of it but know that one day all will change. I know that GOD knows your pain and will make it all disappear one day. Know that Jesus promised to send the Holy Spirit to those who believe in him. All the evil of this world is not from God but from men and the evil they do. God has no part in world problems, if only men would listen and do his will ...for myself reading the gospels of Jesus always had a calming effect and put me back in the right frame of mind, Focus all your attention on God's words, meditate his words, it will help greatly. and take it one day at a time Jesus said so.

Persevere in prayer be persistent, pray with a contrite heart, believing that you will be heard and will receive;

Luk 11:5 And he said unto them, Which of you shall have a friend, and shall go unto him at midnight, and say unto him, Friend, lend me three loaves;
Luk 11:6 For a friend of mine in his journey is come to me, and I have nothing to set before him?
Luk 11:7 And he from within shall answer and say, Trouble me not: the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed; I cannot rise and give thee.
Luk 11:8 I say unto you, Though he will not rise and give him, because he is his friend, yet because of his importunity he will rise and give him as many as he needeth.
Luk 11:9 And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
Luk 11:10 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
Luk 11:11 If a son shall ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone? or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent?
Luk 11:12 Or if he shall ask an egg, will he offer him a scorpion?
Luk 11:13 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?

Blessings Brother and persevere in faith and good works , never give up, I will pray for your healing.

 

[Mark Quayle]

Today I've had a terrible day because I unleashed 5 years of bottled up anger I've had against God and essentially called Him a useless shepherd that doesn't care for His flock, that I hated Him and tested Him to kill me right on the spot or that I otherwise would buy a bottle of sleeping pills on the way home and do it myself.

For context, I have OCD and depressive episodes and I'm currently on medication but I still suffer greatly from this illness. I have better days but there are exceptions like today where I feel downright exhausted of life and would want nothing more than to fall into an eternal slumber or to never have been brought into existence at all.

But for the 5 past years of being a christian I suffered from every possible intrusive thought, doubting my salvation has been my daily bread, developed a phobia for prayer somehow and these have been, speaking mentally, one of the darkest periods of my life. I occassionally ask God to take my life but He won't listen to any kind of prayer I utter. I haven't lost my faith but why does it seem like God harbors an intense hatred against me by afflicting me with this disease?

Consider, if you can, three things that have liberated (to some degree) my self-involved thinking:

1. God uses all of us according to his purpose for us. And part of this is his way of changing us into that particular member of the Body of Christ, and Bride of Christ, and Dwelling Place of God, that we each are and will be in Heaven.

2. This life is about, and for Christ, and not you. This is for his sake, and it is for his sake that you are able to be a part of what he is doing. He is not tame, and this IS a wild ride. Being used by God is a wonderful thing.

There are many who have problems somewhat related to yours. And God uses them for his purposes. One example is Alexander Cruden, of Cruden's Concordance. He authored this excellent, painstaking and detailed, work as a sort of therapy to keep his mind in check, when he had gone insane. God used him. His life turned out to not be about him, after all.

3. One of the purposes to which God puts us, is to come to know him. While, if your mind's jumping about is at all like mine, you try to hold to some semblance of constancy, some 'anchor' for your thinking, it is too easy to find yourself believing or trusting in the reality you think you see. While you know better, you can't do other, yet.

While you know you desire God, you distance yourself from him for fear that you will only be allowed a little of him. So you construct frameworks from within which you can operate your thinking. But these are false, or, maybe more to the point, ignorant. CS Lewis writes, in Till We Have Faces, (and no, don't take me to believe (nor Lewis, either) that there are such a thing as 'gods' —the book is called, A Fable Retold) "I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean?" I don't say that to mean that God does not hear us, but to point out that our conception is very ignorant, but held by us as precious nonetheless.

Anyway, some thoughts that have been very useful to me.

 

[com7fy8]

5 years of bottled up anger

Well, I would say that you invested in thinking things which helped to build up that anger.

And that is not how to communicate with Jesus who came to this earth, in order to reach us and save us and share God's own good with us. And Jesus has compassion for us, so much that Jesus went to the cross and suffered like He did, in order to bring us to God.

So, being angry at Jesus . . .

 

[com7fy8]

called Him a useless shepherd that doesn't care for His flock

Feed on this >

"casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

Whatever tells you otherwise is not God communicating with you. That noisy and angry stuff is not God. But God is quiet and sensible and caring and sharing and kind . . . quiet but not silent.

"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." (Ephesians 4:31-32)

Clamor can be a noisy crazy racket > it can be the loud and negative stuff going on in your head and emotions; it is a design play to keep your attention away from God. And God is quiet, not silent; but our clamor stuff can keep us from hearing and sharing with God.

"Therefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God." (James 1:19-20)

When anger starts in me, then, right away I can know I am wrong, somehow, and I need for God to change me out of that, then trust Him to do what He wants with me. Anger can not be trusted. And it is especially foolish if it has us against God who is our only resource for what is good.

So, what is it that you want, so you can get angry about not getting it?

 

[com7fy8]

I occassionally ask God to take my life

We can trust God to take our anger, and replace it with what He wants.

While we can still give in to raging anger, it is possible we also can be wanting less than what God desires for us.

"Therefore submit to God." (in James 4:7)

"'Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'" (Matthew 11:29)

Jesus is the One who gives us rest for our souls . . . in His yoke with His personal guiding. So, instead of telling God what to do, trust Jesus for what He wants to do with us. He is our Good Shepherd who knows exactly what to do with us . . . at each moment. He is better than how OCD can be, about details; He is loving and kind in His attention to detail

God's thoughts toward us are more than can be numbered . . . and better than what OCD and worry have us thinking. So, don't trust any of that; it is a dirty way to keep us away from enjoying God and all His thoughts bring >

"Many, O LORD my God, are Your wonderful works
. Which You have done;
. And Your thoughts toward us
. Cannot be recounted to you in order;
. If I would declare and speak of them,
. They are more than can be numbered."
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .(Psalm 40:5)

 

[angelsaroundme]

People with OCD have low serotonin. Imagine in your head there is a traffic light. Serotonin is responsible for the green light that tells you it's safe to go. When your serotonin is low, you pray, you check a lock, wash your hands, etc. and often it doesn't feel right. Your brain doesn't give you that green light. So rather than doing whatever else you'd do after, you repeat the action, thinking maybe you feel wrong because you didn't pray the right words or mean them enough, maybe you didn't check the lock properly or wash your hands thoroughly.

OCD is called the doubting disorder. Doing things compulsively, even praying, like repetitive prayer, is playing into that doubt. You keep praying because you doubt you did it right. The doubting won't get better as long as you feed it. One suggestion is to no longer pray about sins. Just try to be good rather than apologizing for everything. Instead, pray prayers of thankfulness. Thank God for the good things in the world, good things about yourself and others. This positive thinking will help raise your serotonin. It may be hard at first but most habits take time to form.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." - Phillipians 4:8

 

[AlexB23]

Today I've had a terrible day because I unleashed 5 years of bottled up anger I've had against God and essentially called Him a useless shepherd that doesn't care for His flock, that I hated Him and tested Him to kill me right on the spot or that I otherwise would buy a bottle of sleeping pills on the way home and do it myself.

For context, I have OCD and depressive episodes and I'm currently on medication but I still suffer greatly from this illness. I have better days but there are exceptions like today where I feel downright exhausted of life and would want nothing more than to fall into an eternal slumber or to never have been brought into existence at all.

But for the 5 past years of being a christian I suffered from every possible intrusive thought, doubting my salvation has been my daily bread, developed a phobia for prayer somehow and these have been, speaking mentally, one of the darkest periods of my life. I occassionally ask God to take my life but He won't listen to any kind of prayer I utter. I haven't lost my faith but why does it seem like God harbors an intense hatred against me by afflicting me with this disease?

I prayed for you. God loves everyone, but he gave us free will. So, it is not God that is hating you, it is the darkness in the world that gets to us all. I have OCD myself, and struggle with different issues, but we all struggle. Free will may cause strife in our world, but the fact that God gives us freedom shows that God loves us.


Here are some verses that I have found, which could comfort you*:

1. Psalm 23: "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake."

This Psalm emphasizes God as a loving and caring shepherd who leads us to green pastures, still waters, and restores our souls. Remember that God's love is constant and unchanging, even during difficult times.

2. Romans 8:28: "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

This verse reminds us that even in the midst of suffering and hardships, God is working for our good. It may not be able to see how your experiences fit into a larger plan, but trusting that God has a purpose can provide comfort and hope.

3. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

This passage emphasizes God's role as a source of comfort and encouragement for those who are suffering.

4. Psalm 13:5-6: "But I have trusted in Your mercy; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, Because He has dealt bountifully with me."

This Psalm reminds us of the importance of trusting in God's mercy and salvation, even during difficult times. You may feel overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions, but you can take solace in knowing that God is always present and willing to offer mercy and salvation.

5. Matthew 11:28-30: "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

This passage from the Sermon on the Mount offers an invitation to come to Jesus for rest and relief. You may feel weighed down by your struggles, but can take comfort in knowing that Jesus offers a yoke that is easy and a burden that is light.

*Note: It's important to remember that while these verses offer comfort and encouragement, they may not provide immediate relief or answers for you. It is crucial that you seek professional help from a mental health professional, as well as the support of your faith community and loved ones. If cost is an issue, there may be free mental health services in your area offered by a local nonprofit.

Ultimately, it is important for you to remember that God's love and grace are available, even during the darkest of times. While mental health struggles can be overwhelming and challenging, they do not define who you are or your relationship with God. May you find peace and comfort in the knowledge that you are loved and cared for by a loving and merciful God.

 

[returntosender]

Today I've had a terrible day because I unleashed 5 years of bottled up anger I've had against God and essentially called Him a useless shepherd that doesn't care for His flock, that I hated Him and tested Him to kill me right on the spot or that I otherwise would buy a bottle of sleeping pills on the way home and do it myself.

For context, I have OCD and depressive episodes and I'm currently on medication but I still suffer greatly from this illness. I have better days but there are exceptions like today where I feel downright exhausted of life and would want nothing more than to fall into an eternal slumber or to never have been brought into existence at all.

But for the 5 past years of being a christian I suffered from every possible intrusive thought, doubting my salvation has been my daily bread, developed a phobia for prayer somehow and these have been, speaking mentally, one of the darkest periods of my life. I occassionally ask God to take my life but He won't listen to any kind of prayer I utter. I haven't lost my faith but why does it seem like God harbors an intense hatred against me by afflicting me with this disease?

God loves you, we all have bad days sometimes. We are human. Have a blessed day