Today I've had a terrible day because I unleashed 5 years of bottled up anger I've had against God and essentially called Him a useless shepherd that doesn't care for His flock, that I hated Him and tested Him to kill me right on the spot or that I otherwise would buy a bottle of sleeping pills on the way home and do it myself.
For context, I have OCD and depressive episodes and I'm currently on medication but I still suffer greatly from this illness. I have better days but there are exceptions like today where I feel downright exhausted of life and would want nothing more than to fall into an eternal slumber or to never have been brought into existence at all.
But for the 5 past years of being a christian I suffered from every possible intrusive thought, doubting my salvation has been my daily bread, developed a phobia for prayer somehow and these have been, speaking mentally, one of the darkest periods of my life. I occassionally ask God to take my life but He won't listen to any kind of prayer I utter. I haven't lost my faith but why does it seem like God harbors an intense hatred against me by afflicting me with this disease?
I prayed for you. God loves everyone, but he gave us free will. So, it is not God that is hating you, it is the darkness in the world that gets to us all. I have OCD myself, and struggle with different issues, but we all struggle. Free will may cause strife in our world, but the fact that God gives us freedom shows that God loves us.
Here are some verses that I have found, which could comfort you*:
1. Psalm 23: "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake."
This Psalm emphasizes God as a loving and caring shepherd who leads us to green pastures, still waters, and restores our souls. Remember that God's love is constant and unchanging, even during difficult times.
2. Romans 8:28: "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."
This verse reminds us that even in the midst of suffering and hardships, God is working for our good. It may not be able to see how your experiences fit into a larger plan, but trusting that God has a purpose can provide comfort and hope.
3. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."
This passage emphasizes God's role as a source of comfort and encouragement for those who are suffering.
4. Psalm 13:5-6: "But I have trusted in Your mercy; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, Because He has dealt bountifully with me."
This Psalm reminds us of the importance of trusting in God's mercy and salvation, even during difficult times. You may feel overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions, but you can take solace in knowing that God is always present and willing to offer mercy and salvation.
5. Matthew 11:28-30: "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
This passage from the Sermon on the Mount offers an invitation to come to Jesus for rest and relief. You may feel weighed down by your struggles, but can take comfort in knowing that Jesus offers a yoke that is easy and a burden that is light.
*Note: It's important to remember that while these verses offer comfort and encouragement, they may not provide immediate relief or answers for you. It is crucial that you seek professional help from a mental health professional, as well as the support of your faith community and loved ones. If cost is an issue, there may be free mental health services in your area offered by a local nonprofit.
Ultimately, it is important for you to remember that God's love and grace are available, even during the darkest of times. While mental health struggles can be overwhelming and challenging, they do not define who you are or your relationship with God. May you find peace and comfort in the knowledge that you are loved and cared for by a loving and merciful God.