Has anyone ever experienced this in their marriage.

[Georgios22]

I just wanted to know from a man's or woman's perspective if your spouse ever stonewalled you and emotionally abused you and would not tell you the reasons for it. Just that they do not want to talk to you anymore and to live happily. I am so confused and need direction for my marriage. A few days ago my wife just out of the blue told me she doesn't want to talk and refuses to give a reason. Does anyone make sense out of this and what do I do at this point do I reach out to her or wait. Feels like she is very angry or wants out or hates me for some unknown reason. Not sure where this attitude came from just out of the blue and so unexpected. Any advice is appreciated.

 

[SkyWriting]

I just wanted to know from a man's or woman's perspective if your spouse ever stonewalled you and emotionally abused you and would not tell you the reasons for it. Just that they do not want to talk to you anymore and to live happily. I am so confused and need direction for my marriage. A few days ago my wife just out of the blue told me she doesn't want to talk and refuses to give a reason. Does anyone make sense out of this and what do I do at this point do I reach out to her or wait. Feels like she is very angry or wants out or hates me for some unknown reason. Not sure where this attitude came from just out of the blue and so unexpected. Any advice is appreciated.

Treat her exactly as you would wish her to treat you if you acted like this.

 

[Hidden In Him]

I just wanted to know from a man's or woman's perspective if your spouse ever stonewalled you and emotionally abused you and would not tell you the reasons for it. Just that they do not want to talk to you anymore and to live happily. I am so confused and need direction for my marriage. A few days ago my wife just out of the blue told me she doesn't want to talk and refuses to give a reason. Does anyone make sense out of this and what do I do at this point do I reach out to her or wait. Feels like she is very angry or wants out or hates me for some unknown reason. Not sure where this attitude came from just out of the blue and so unexpected. Any advice is appreciated.

This could be that she is actually so upset about something that she knows any discussion about it would get extremely ugly. Your best move is to ask her if that's the case. If so, let her calm down. She's probably making the wise decision. If not, then ask her another question, like if she is considering possibly ending the relationship. But don't ask that unless you are emotionally prepared to accept her possibly telling you "Yes." Regardless of what her answer is, you will nevertheless need to be able to maintain control of your emotions.

 

[JRichard68]

"Stonewalling" is a response to what has been called "flooding" (not my idea - this is a concept developed by Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington). Flooding is a state where a person is at an emotional peak, and knows of no other (healthy) way to express what they need to, except to remove themselves from a conversation, or a topic of contention. At times, this can happen without the partner/spouse knowing what happened to precipitate it, which is what sounds like has happened with you. "Hidden In Him" has given you good advice how to approach this - simply ask your wife if something has happened to upset her, and let her know that you would like to discuss it when she is ready. That type of response is what Dr. Gottman might call a "soft start-up" - you're not addressing her on the offensive, but merely out of concern, and trying to find out what the issue is from her.

In the mean-time, having a look at Dr. Gottman's work might be beneficial. It's not strictly Christian, but the ideas are not objectionable to the Christian mind-set.


The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

 

[Georgios22]

"Stonewalling" is a response to what has been called "flooding" (not my idea - this is a concept developed by Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington). Flooding is a state where a person is at an emotional peak, and knows of no other (healthy) way to express what they need to, except to remove themselves from a conversation, or a topic of contention. At times, this can happen without the partner/spouse knowing what happened to precipitate it, which is what sounds like has happened with you. "Hidden In Him" has given you good advice how to approach this - simply ask your wife if something has happened to upset her, and let her know that you would like to discuss it when she is ready. That type of response is what Dr. Gottman might call a "soft start-up" - you're not addressing her on the offensive, but merely out of concern, and trying to find out what the issue is from her.

In the mean-time, having a look at Dr. Gottman's work might be beneficial. It's not strictly Christian, but the ideas are not objectionable to the Christian mind-set.


The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

Guess that can make more sense and thank you for shedding light on that becusse when I think back she always shuts down when things get too emotional or she feels for her it is intense and she just wants to either change the subject or not talk about it altogether leaving me feeling unresolved and unloved and not respected. I also notice her commitment level compared to mine is lower in this marriage and effort to make it work. Her attitude and concept is if she feels any stress tension or anxiety she flees and runs it just hangs up the conversation with me. Does not get into it or talk about it just shuts down.

I try to understand her and communicate as mildly or as best as I can but it gets tiring that one side has to do all the work all the time and to feel like they are being treated like garbage and emotnally abused. When all I am trying to do is love her as best and as much as I can and be as supportive as I can be for her. I just feel no matter what I do it will never be enough and she will always find an excuse to blame me or be her reason for her unhappiness. Also she refuses to get help from a licensed therapist who specializes in marriage counseling. She just seems she wants a quick exit and doesn't care about my thoughts or feelings or pain and hurt and tears I am shedding. Which to me is selfish and cold hearted. Not to mention emotionally abusive. And I don't know how to allow her realizes all this so she can get the help that she needs. All I get from her is she is not the problem and she is a woman and it's all normal and she has her right to be any way she wants.

 

[Georgios22]

Guess that can make more sense and thank you for shedding light on that becusse when I think back she always shuts down when things get too emotional or she feels for her it is intense and she just wants to either change the subject or not talk about it altogether leaving me feeling unresolved and unloved and not respected. I also notice her commitment level compared to mine is lower in this marriage and effort to make it work. Her attitude and concept is if she feels any stress tension or anxiety she flees and runs it just hangs up the conversation with me. Does not get into it or talk about it just shuts down.

I try to understand her and communicate as mildly or as best as I can but it gets tiring that one side has to do all the work all the time and to feel like they are being treated like garbage and emotnally abused. When all I am trying to do is love her as best and as much as I can and be as supportive as I can be for her. I just feel no matter what I do it will never be enough and she will always find an excuse to blame me or be her reason for her unhappiness. Also she refuses to get help from a licensed therapist who specializes in marriage counseling. She just seems she wants a quick exit and doesn't care about my thoughts or feelings or pain and hurt and tears I am shedding. Which to me is selfish and cold hearted. Not to mention emotionally abusive. And I don't know how to allow her realizes all this so she can get the help that she needs. All I get from her is she is not the problem and she is a woman and it's all normal and she has her right to be any way she wants.

I also noticed just prior to her compete shut down with me she always seemed agitated and stressed and when I asked her what was wrong she said nothing. But if felt from her actions like I was a burden and chore on her or seemed to annoy her in some way shape or form, when I was simply just trying to have a conversation with her. She was like acting like what is with all the questions that r she felt probably interrogated but that was. It the case for me. She just seemed lately uninterested in our talks and communications like it bored her or I was not interesting or something or maybe exciting as much like the spark was fading.

 

[Tropicalbaby]

I am going through something similar. My husband will stop all shows of affection and barely acknowledge my presence. I don't know what is going on and when I ask, we end up fighting I find myself constantly thinking about leaving him. In hopes that I will just finally feel better

 

[akmom]

It sounds like you need to give her space for awhile. I prefer to just hash things out and be done with it, so I understand how frustrating that could be. Then there are people who want to "discuss" (fight) for all of eternity, and at some point, you just have to decide that enough is enough. Either way, she will most likely get over it, or become willing to talk about it if it's still bothering her later. You'll probably just have to be patient, frustrating as it is if you are the type to just deal with things right away.

 

[Kurt Warner]

I just wanted to know from a man's or woman's perspective if your spouse ever stonewalled you and emotionally abused you and would not tell you the reasons for it. Just that they do not want to talk to you anymore and to live happily. I am so confused and need direction for my marriage. A few days ago my wife just out of the blue told me she doesn't want to talk and refuses to give a reason. Does anyone make sense out of this and what do I do at this point do I reach out to her or wait. Feels like she is very angry or wants out or hates me for some unknown reason. Not sure where this attitude came from just out of the blue and so unexpected. Any advice is appreciated.

How long have you been married? What are the typical points of conflict in your marriage? Does she have any mental health issues? What does she complain about most about you and you about her? Have you historically been able to resolve conflicts successfully?

 

[SeekHimInEverything]

I also am in a similar situation. I agree it does feel like emotional abuse. My husband can be cruel and sarcastic in his responses or goes to the other extreme and will not talk at all. I try my best to act in a way that is pleasing to God despite his reactions. I can't control my husband, but I can let God use the situation to grow my faith. I continue to try to have conversations and make sure I let him know I appreciate the positive things he does especially when he does open up and have a heart to heart conversation.

 

[Continually Searching]

I just wanted to know from a man's or woman's perspective if your spouse ever stonewalled you and emotionally abused you and would not tell you the reasons for it. Just that they do not want to talk to you anymore and to live happily. I am so confused and need direction for my marriage. A few days ago my wife just out of the blue told me she doesn't want to talk and refuses to give a reason. Does anyone make sense out of this and what do I do at this point do I reach out to her or wait. Feels like she is very angry or wants out or hates me for some unknown reason. Not sure where this attitude came from just out of the blue and so unexpected. Any advice is appreciated.

My marriage has had communication problems from the beginning. We go through times where one or both of us don't want to talk to the other. It finally came to a head about a month ago. Here's what we have learned and are working on daily: 1) Without a right relationship with Jesus, our relationships with others will not be productive. 2) Just because you are married doesn't mean you communicate well. This is especially apparent when things start going astray. So, if she refuses to talk to you, take it to God. Perhaps write her a note about your feelings. Give it to her and let her read it in her time. 3) The road to restoration is long and difficult. This is especially difficult for me, because I want to fix it now and continue on. But sometimes one or the other of you needs time to process. It is very painful and difficult to wait. But time can give clarity to both sides. During that time, devote yourself to prayer and study. One thing I have found time and time again, God will meet you. He will comfort and give you peace. And He will direct your study, even when you have no clue where to start. 4) You are both broken people. However, sometimes there is so much anger or even hatred that both of you can be nicer to a stranger than to each other. Realize that, and strive for grace, compassion, understanding, and love in everything you do. This is where you put your spouse first and yourself last. Jesus is the best example of this. He came to serve us, an unholy and broken people and died for us so we may have a relationship and salvation. Try for that outlook, and see where your path goes. 5) Once both sides have their feelings heard, give it time. She may still not want to talk to you. That doesn't mean you cannot be productive at this time. There are Christian groups everywhere open for you. It doesn't have to be a particular group. It could just be a men's study, but that fellowship will take your mind off yourself and your problems and focus on Jesus and our eternity. 6) The most important. PRAY. God hears you and will respond. Sometimes the response is something you never fathomed. But He will give you insight, comfort and strength.

I hope this helped a bit. I pray for wisdom and patience for you in this trial. I know it is a very difficult journey. Just remember, you are never alone.

 

[Avniel]

My wife struggle with communication so yes I have been exsposed to this. I typically ignore it until the explosion

 

[Dave-W]

My wife struggle with communication so yes I have been exposed to this. I typically ignore it until the explosion

BTDT - wore out the t shirt. DW and I both have communication issues.

I found that putting off until the blowup is not a sustainable approach.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

Sounds like your wife is checking out.

Hard to say if she will check back in?

I recommend Christian Counseling with a good solid pastor.

Love is a decision we make each day when we wake. We tell ourselves I love that person and I'm going to do my best so as to show it today.

While some others may tell themself I'm not sure if I'm in love anymore? And in time convince themselves that they are not in love anymore.

Love is dead because they killed it.

M-Bob

 

[Avniel]

BTDT - wore out the t shirt. DW and I both have communication issues.

I found that putting off until the blowup is not a sustainable approach.

Idk maybe it’s a bit of an ego thing for me, a little prideful. But I’ve reached the point where I refuse to guess what you need and I’m not going to stress myself out with guilt over an adult that won’t open their mouth.

Sometimes I think it’s about attention