- Dec 2, 2014
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Although I've dealt with this for most of my life (since adolescence when I first developed sexual feelings), for some reason right now my same-sex attractions have been figuring prominently in my mind. I'm atttracted to both sexes (so "bisexual", except I don't know if it's right for a Christian to use such a label) and while I don't see my attractions to men (I'm a man) getting more prominent or my atttraction to women reducing in any way, it's still just lingering in my head.
It's not giving me any kind of sadness or inferiority, but there's this sense that nobody gets it. I talked to my pastor a while back about seeing if I could arrange a meetup with other people in my church with SSA (same sex attraction, this is the common abbreviation). Unfortunately, he told me that even though there were others like me in the church, none of them were willing to consider homosexuality a sin and so he didn't consider it a productive discussion. That was really saddening--that there wasn't a single person in my church that could relate to what I was feeling that was on the same "side" of the issue as me. It's made me feel very much alone and isolated, all at a time when I'm wondering if maybe I should have left my church to go find another one.
I find myself having sexual fantasies of women and wanting to see men naked. It makes me wonder how much I'd enjoy sex with a man as I know I would with a woman. I've never had any kind of sexual activity before and I don't plan to outside of wishful thoughts, but I find them hard to resist sometimes. In the past I've had sexual thoughts about some of my friends, both male and female, and it's given me tremendous guilt. I suppose most Christians would tell me to cut off all contact with the people I've had these thoughts about, but that would be a lot of good people that I used to have such wonderful friendships with before some thought popped into my head. Also, lately I'm finding myself writing a lot of stories (I'm an aspiring writer) where my main protagonist is a bisexual man like myself. It's like my characters are being tempted into identifying as that just like I am, even though for years this wasn't a stumbling block to my faith.
My church is full of friendly people and has a vibrant community. But I still feel like an outsider there. I don't have a spouse or children, and I am still not sure if I ever will (I doubt most Christian women are willing to marry a man with same-sex attractions who also has a past with porn and mental health problems). I don't feel like I come from the same culture that they do. I don't think I have all the same beliefs they do, either. I'm starting to wonder what the point of being a Christian is nowadays. The only thing I can remember God doing for me is telling me He loved me, back when I first became a Christian. He accepted me without any reservations then. But now I have to put in all the effort and grow in Christ all by myself? It just seems like a lot of work, reading the Bible when I often feel like most of it doesn't have any relevance to me. My pastor seems to think just reading whatever randomly-assigned Bible verse his "read the Bible in a year" plan will give me all the answers, but instead I'm just finding that I have to accept that I can't figure out a lot of answers. I feel like I'm on the verge of leaving the faith and I really don't want to. I just feel like I'm failing some test that every other Christian I see is passing with flying colors--namely, to just trust God and somehow see Him in everything. I have to wonder where God is when I just look at the world and all I see are either natural processes or miracles happening only to other people, and not me. I want God to help me in my unbelief.
I feel like I'm on the verge of leaving the faith sometimes and it's miserable, because it's not what I want. I know that there are plenty of arguments for God's existence, proof of the validity of the Resurrection, and I feel like my life needs some kind of meaning and purpose. I just want to be able to keep my Father involved in that. I hate that wanting to serve and honor Him makes me feel like I'm having to pull away at so much of myself, when my heterosexual Christian friends don't have to make any sacrifices at all and life is just easy for them. I know that's not true, but it feels that way sometimes.
It's not giving me any kind of sadness or inferiority, but there's this sense that nobody gets it. I talked to my pastor a while back about seeing if I could arrange a meetup with other people in my church with SSA (same sex attraction, this is the common abbreviation). Unfortunately, he told me that even though there were others like me in the church, none of them were willing to consider homosexuality a sin and so he didn't consider it a productive discussion. That was really saddening--that there wasn't a single person in my church that could relate to what I was feeling that was on the same "side" of the issue as me. It's made me feel very much alone and isolated, all at a time when I'm wondering if maybe I should have left my church to go find another one.
I find myself having sexual fantasies of women and wanting to see men naked. It makes me wonder how much I'd enjoy sex with a man as I know I would with a woman. I've never had any kind of sexual activity before and I don't plan to outside of wishful thoughts, but I find them hard to resist sometimes. In the past I've had sexual thoughts about some of my friends, both male and female, and it's given me tremendous guilt. I suppose most Christians would tell me to cut off all contact with the people I've had these thoughts about, but that would be a lot of good people that I used to have such wonderful friendships with before some thought popped into my head. Also, lately I'm finding myself writing a lot of stories (I'm an aspiring writer) where my main protagonist is a bisexual man like myself. It's like my characters are being tempted into identifying as that just like I am, even though for years this wasn't a stumbling block to my faith.
My church is full of friendly people and has a vibrant community. But I still feel like an outsider there. I don't have a spouse or children, and I am still not sure if I ever will (I doubt most Christian women are willing to marry a man with same-sex attractions who also has a past with porn and mental health problems). I don't feel like I come from the same culture that they do. I don't think I have all the same beliefs they do, either. I'm starting to wonder what the point of being a Christian is nowadays. The only thing I can remember God doing for me is telling me He loved me, back when I first became a Christian. He accepted me without any reservations then. But now I have to put in all the effort and grow in Christ all by myself? It just seems like a lot of work, reading the Bible when I often feel like most of it doesn't have any relevance to me. My pastor seems to think just reading whatever randomly-assigned Bible verse his "read the Bible in a year" plan will give me all the answers, but instead I'm just finding that I have to accept that I can't figure out a lot of answers. I feel like I'm on the verge of leaving the faith and I really don't want to. I just feel like I'm failing some test that every other Christian I see is passing with flying colors--namely, to just trust God and somehow see Him in everything. I have to wonder where God is when I just look at the world and all I see are either natural processes or miracles happening only to other people, and not me. I want God to help me in my unbelief.
I feel like I'm on the verge of leaving the faith sometimes and it's miserable, because it's not what I want. I know that there are plenty of arguments for God's existence, proof of the validity of the Resurrection, and I feel like my life needs some kind of meaning and purpose. I just want to be able to keep my Father involved in that. I hate that wanting to serve and honor Him makes me feel like I'm having to pull away at so much of myself, when my heterosexual Christian friends don't have to make any sacrifices at all and life is just easy for them. I know that's not true, but it feels that way sometimes.