Young Wife struggling w/ lack of intimacy from husband

[aria903]

(EDITED) thank you for all the advice thoughts and prayers. Couldn’t find a way to delete this topic but I am truly appreciative of all the help.

Thanks

 

[SkyWriting]

Hello there....

I am just new to the forum but I really have been struggling with this and I feel so alone in this struggle....
I will try to keep this as fairly short as possible but it may be a little long. To start off, my husband and I have been married for about two years now. Before being married we had dated for 3 yrs. almost 4. My husband and I are fairly young we are both in our mid 20's and have no kids. We both work long hours and have tough commutes and jobs. I spend nearly 3.5 hours on average everyday commuting and my schedule is pretty much like 7AM - 8PM. I am not complaining at all though! God gives me patience and strength to preserve through this and I am doing what I love in my career. My husband says his work is very demanding too and he is constantly running around all day taking car of customers his schedule pretty much looks like 5:30 AM- 6PM.

I say that to give some context on what is going on but now I will explain the part that is literally so gut wrenching and painful.... the lack of desire and intimacy.....

When my husband and I were dating we had a lot of passion, we loved to be together, we may have at times been too physical but we saved sex for our wedding night. But the point is he could barely keep his hands off of me.... he loved to kiss, cuddle and hold me. He always wanted to kiss me and pursue me, he would tell all the time how he could barely even sleep because he was thinking about me and how much he wanted to be with me. We knew early on that we wanted to get married and when we became engaged and closer to our wedding day he would say things like how he couldn't wait til we got married and how much sex we would have like everyday.... you get the point it actually seemed like he genuinely desired and wanted me.

Flash forward to once we got married.... our wedding night was amazing and then things.... just seemed to change.... I can't recall for sure but we did have sex a couple times for our little get away (we did not actually have a honey moon until last year) and that was all good but once we got back home things were off. We were also planning to move so we were temporarily staying with my parents for like a week or something before driving out to the west coast. I would iniate sex and try to be intimate but he literally just straight up rejected me only after a few days of being married.... He said something like... we don't always have to have sex all the time, sometimes its just nice to cuddle... and continually said so. That first initial rejection absolutely crushed my heart but I tried to understand and maybe he wasn't comfortable having sex since we were living with my family at the time.... so I brushed that off. It really hurt though because I wanted to be intimate and close to him we HAD JUST GOT MARRIED and he was already turning me down, it just really hurt.

So once we moved to the west coast we were temporarily staying with his family but we had a much bigger room and more private space. I thought that he wouldn't keep rejecting me but.... lo and behold he did and would use the same excuse that he "likes variety" and likes to cuddle. or that he was too tired..... he basically like just stopped iniating sex with me and it was always me trying to be intimate with him. Most times he would respond but a lot of times he would reject me which ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED me and my self esteem. I was beginning to think I wasn't attractive enough to him anymore or that he didn't like me. When I confronted him about it he would say that he loves me very much and finds me very attractive but he doesn't want to have sex all the time... so months of this pattern went by.... He was getting better about not rejecting my advances but he still really did not iniate with me and would basically just seem disinterested in sex in general. Like it wa son the back burner for him and not a priority. Even when we got our own apartment things were basically the same way. At this time his job was not even as demanding as it is now so his tired excuse seems like it doesn't not hold up....

In the present.... things are better but still... he shows a lack of interest in intimacy and sex. He tells me he is just so tired and he can't sleep well but he loves me and finds me very attractive and I I totally get he's tired and understand but he literally treats sex like a chore and it completely crushes my soul. We have even went to counseling because things were getting so bad with his attitude toward this and I was getting so sad, angry, and upset over the past years with our intimacy it was causing a huge rift in our marriage. It also really is actually a gut wrenching feeling when I lie down next to him every night and I feel so unwanted and undesired by him. I have cried my self to sleep many many many times. And I know that I am a beautiful girl but feeling unwanted by your husband really makes you question everything. The pain is so severe to me sometimes my heart feels so heavy and sad. I pray through this as best as I can but I don't know why I am going through this and what I did wrong..... All I really want is just to feel wanted and desired intimately by him.

We do have sex but I stepped back from iniating and let him lead things in the bedroom but it just falls flat.... if he had his way he only approaches me about 1-2 times a week (which may seem fine or like a lot for some people) but to me we have talked about at least 3-4 times a weeks and I mean we are still young and even just newly married. It just seems like he is disinterested in it... the last thing we do after everything else is done around the house is have sex.... it is consistently the last thing on his mind. Its like there is an alarm clock in his head to only be intimate after we lay down for bed. Not like right after work or mid day on weekend.... On the days when he does not want to be intimate he still "tries" for my sake which I appreciate but it is so obvious that he doesn't want to. He sighs..... his eyes are closed as he is dosing off..... he basically is forcing himself to stay awake and and that point I am not turned on at all so what is even the point we end up going to sleep because I know he doesn't want me in that moment.... And really that's what is so extremely hurtful to me is just the not feeling wanted or desired. I mean if he just showed he was interested in me or desired me I don't think we would have these issues.

Another thing is that even when we have sex the majority of the time I feel like I am doing majority of pleasing to him which I love to do but its the same thing every night. I turn him on really good and pleasure him but when it comes to me it falls flat.... He either doesn't touch me at all or barely touches me for two seconds and wants just jump into sex. He doesn't do certain things which I do for him... he does not do for me.. He has in the past said that thinks women nether region it's "gross" which really really hurt me. But since then he apologized for that but it doesn't take back the fact that he thought that way. (And I keep myself very groomed and clean so I know hygiene is not an issue) He pretty much will loose his erection every time he touches me down there. He just said and done all these hurtful things leaves me crying all night..... and like truthfully doesn't care... doesn't show barely any interest or desire in sex and I am left wondering why..... He says its because he is really tired but even back when we got married he always had an excuse.... so the tired thing was not always an issue. He has gotten upset at me multiple times for buying lingerie because "we don't have money" or a "waste of money" even though we have enough to buy a few outfits... its' just ridiculous. He says he likes the outfits but doesn't want to spend the money... And I love to buy lingerie it makes me feel sexy and desirable but even that is not good enough for him I guess.... even though he has apologized for this its stlll like.... cmon I thought guys loved when their girl wear lingerie and loved to have sex...

I asked him to be honest with me and tell me the truth and last night he said the same freakin thing that he always says "Likes variety and likes to cuddle" Or is just too tired... I feel absolutely so sad and alone. My heart is just broken, and I am tried of feeling worthless by this. I pray for God to comfort me and show me what he wants to teach me in this time but I just can't see it.... My self esteem feels destroyed. My heart is literally broken and I feel so alone and rejected. I am so tired of the horrendous cycle and feeling so bad. Even after the counseling things were getting a lot better but once it ended he went back right to what he used to do. I am just so sad by this.... literally crying painful tears. I just don't know what to do as a christian wife and I feel like I have no one to talk to about this.

Even if you just pray for me I will appreciate that. I just wanted to share this story and see if anybody has any advice....

He has low testosterone. Likely you don't hold hands as much, and such, and the levels fall down. Physically touching will get him back in business. The west coast also has good counselors. It might take a year or two.

 

[aria903]

@SkyWriting , thanks for your thoughts. We do actually hold hands a lot and hug cuddle etc. we are still very physical and close with each other but feels like it kinda falls flat in the bedroom.... Example I can notice a difference when he really desires me and how he kisses and holds me vs. times when he's just doing it because its like a chore or duty. I have suspected he has low testosterone for a while now. I asked him to get checked by the doctor but he just doesn't do it. He has no interest in finding out I guess. So you think it would be better to keep seeking counseling?

 

[YHWH_will_uplift]

Hello there....

I am just new to the forum but I really have been struggling with this and I feel so alone in this struggle....
I will try to keep this as fairly short as possible but it may be a little long. To start off, my husband and I have been married for about two years now. Before being married we had dated for 3 yrs. almost 4. My husband and I are fairly young we are both in our mid 20's and have no kids. We both work long hours and have tough commutes and jobs. I spend nearly 3.5 hours on average everyday commuting and my schedule is pretty much like 7AM - 8PM. I am not complaining at all though! God gives me patience and strength to preserve through this and I am doing what I love in my career. My husband says his work is very demanding too and he is constantly running around all day taking car of customers his schedule pretty much looks like 5:30 AM- 6PM.

I say that to give some context on what is going on but now I will explain the part that is literally so gut wrenching and painful.... the lack of desire and intimacy.....

When my husband and I were dating we had a lot of passion, we loved to be together, we may have at times been too physical but we saved sex for our wedding night. But the point is he could barely keep his hands off of me.... he loved to kiss, cuddle and hold me. He always wanted to kiss me and pursue me, he would tell all the time how he could barely even sleep because he was thinking about me and how much he wanted to be with me. We knew early on that we wanted to get married and when we became engaged and closer to our wedding day he would say things like how he couldn't wait til we got married and how much sex we would have like everyday.... you get the point it actually seemed like he genuinely desired and wanted me.

Flash forward to once we got married.... our wedding night was amazing and then things.... just seemed to change.... I can't recall for sure but we did have sex a couple times for our little get away (we did not actually have a honey moon until last year) and that was all good but once we got back home things were off. We were also planning to move so we were temporarily staying with my parents for like a week or something before driving out to the west coast. I would iniate sex and try to be intimate but he literally just straight up rejected me only after a few days of being married.... He said something like... we don't always have to have sex all the time, sometimes its just nice to cuddle... and continually said so. That first initial rejection absolutely crushed my heart but I tried to understand and maybe he wasn't comfortable having sex since we were living with my family at the time.... so I brushed that off. It really hurt though because I wanted to be intimate and close to him we HAD JUST GOT MARRIED and he was already turning me down, it just really hurt.

So once we moved to the west coast we were temporarily staying with his family but we had a much bigger room and more private space. I thought that he wouldn't keep rejecting me but.... lo and behold he did and would use the same excuse that he "likes variety" and likes to cuddle. or that he was too tired..... he basically like just stopped iniating sex with me and it was always me trying to be intimate with him. Most times he would respond but a lot of times he would reject me which ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED me and my self esteem. I was beginning to think I wasn't attractive enough to him anymore or that he didn't like me. When I confronted him about it he would say that he loves me very much and finds me very attractive but he doesn't want to have sex all the time... so months of this pattern went by.... He was getting better about not rejecting my advances but he still really did not iniate with me and would basically just seem disinterested in sex in general. Like it wa son the back burner for him and not a priority. Even when we got our own apartment things were basically the same way. At this time his job was not even as demanding as it is now so his tired excuse seems like it doesn't not hold up....

In the present.... things are better but still... he shows a lack of interest in intimacy and sex. He tells me he is just so tired and he can't sleep well but he loves me and finds me very attractive and I I totally get he's tired and understand but he literally treats sex like a chore and it completely crushes my soul. We have even went to counseling because things were getting so bad with his attitude toward this and I was getting so sad, angry, and upset over the past years with our intimacy it was causing a huge rift in our marriage. It also really is actually a gut wrenching feeling when I lie down next to him every night and I feel so unwanted and undesired by him. I have cried my self to sleep many many many times. And I know that I am a beautiful girl but feeling unwanted by your husband really makes you question everything. The pain is so severe to me sometimes my heart feels so heavy and sad. I pray through this as best as I can but I don't know why I am going through this and what I did wrong..... All I really want is just to feel wanted and desired intimately by him.

We do have sex but I stepped back from iniating and let him lead things in the bedroom but it just falls flat.... if he had his way he only approaches me about 1-2 times a week (which may seem fine or like a lot for some people) but to me we have talked about at least 3-4 times a weeks and I mean we are still young and even just newly married. It just seems like he is disinterested in it... the last thing we do after everything else is done around the house is have sex.... it is consistently the last thing on his mind. Its like there is an alarm clock in his head to only be intimate after we lay down for bed. Not like right after work or mid day on weekend.... On the days when he does not want to be intimate he still "tries" for my sake which I appreciate but it is so obvious that he doesn't want to. He sighs..... his eyes are closed as he is dosing off..... he basically is forcing himself to stay awake and and that point I am not turned on at all so what is even the point we end up going to sleep because I know he doesn't want me in that moment.... And really that's what is so extremely hurtful to me is just the not feeling wanted or desired. I mean if he just showed he was interested in me or desired me I don't think we would have these issues.

Another thing is that even when we have sex the majority of the time I feel like I am doing majority of pleasing to him which I love to do but its the same thing every night. I turn him on really good and pleasure him but when it comes to me it falls flat.... He either doesn't touch me at all or barely touches me for two seconds and wants just jump into sex. He doesn't do certain things which I do for him... he does not do for me.. He has in the past said that thinks women nether region it's "gross" which really really hurt me. But since then he apologized for that but it doesn't take back the fact that he thought that way. (And I keep myself very groomed and clean so I know hygiene is not an issue) He pretty much will loose his erection every time he touches me down there. He just said and done all these hurtful things leaves me crying all night..... and like truthfully doesn't care... doesn't show barely any interest or desire in sex and I am left wondering why..... He says its because he is really tired but even back when we got married he always had an excuse.... so the tired thing was not always an issue. He has gotten upset at me multiple times for buying lingerie because "we don't have money" or a "waste of money" even though we have enough to buy a few outfits... its' just ridiculous. He says he likes the outfits but doesn't want to spend the money... And I love to buy lingerie it makes me feel sexy and desirable but even that is not good enough for him I guess.... even though he has apologized for this its stlll like.... cmon I thought guys loved when their girl wear lingerie and loved to have sex...

I asked him to be honest with me and tell me the truth and last night he said the same freakin thing that he always says "Likes variety and likes to cuddle" Or is just too tired... I feel absolutely so sad and alone. My heart is just broken, and I am tried of feeling worthless by this. I pray for God to comfort me and show me what he wants to teach me in this time but I just can't see it.... My self esteem feels destroyed. My heart is literally broken and I feel so alone and rejected. I am so tired of the horrendous cycle and feeling so bad. Even after the counseling things were getting a lot better but once it ended he went back right to what he used to do. I am just so sad by this.... literally crying painful tears. I just don't know what to do as a christian wife and I feel like I have no one to talk to about this.

Even if you just pray for me I will appreciate that. I just wanted to share this story and see if anybody has any advice....

Hmmm...from what I have read your husbands main message is that he is tired and likes variety and cuddling. And from the work schedule you both have I imagine that anyone would be exhausted working twelve hours day in and day out: do you two have days off from work or do you both work everyday? And have you asked him what kind of variety he is looking for? And it sounds like he is very stressed from having to work hard to get you both a place. As a man it is very stressful and wounding to ourselves to have to live with our parents or in-laws while being married. When you have cuddled with him did he respond more to you sexually? Don't lose hope sister, there's a solution to every problem: if it's not inside the box then it's outside the box. And where there's no solution there's no problem.

 

[aria903]

@YHWH_will_uplift Thanks for your response.Yea we both have days off. He is off Sunday-Tuesday and I am off Sat-Sunday. Sunday is the only full day we have together and we usually spend the day together doing something or going out. Even on his days off though when he is not working and has time to rest he is still considerably "tired". When he says "variety" he means he likes to cuddle or watch a show at night with me instead of being intimate. Which is totally fine for me too but its the lack of intimacy on his part that hurts me.

Oh! sorry if I was unclear about that, we only lived with family for maybe 2 months tops. For the past two years we have been in our own apartment together. I only brought up that we lived with family because back then because I thought maybe he was feeling uncomfortable living with family and that's why he wasn't initiating intimacy but that really wasn't considering it has been the same struggle since then even in our own apartment.

If I cuddle with him he usually falls asleep or tries to sleep. He says he can't sleep very well. I don't think he responds more or less sexually if we cuddle.... its kinda just the same.

Thanks for your advice I appreciate!

 

[maintenance man]

I just wanted to share this story and see if anybody has any advice....

It sounds like low testosterone to me. I think you have to start there. Things can change dramatically if that is the problem and it gets corrected.

 

[Dave-W]

Have you had a talk about his masturbation habits, both before and after you guys got married?

If he had the habit of doing it and hiding it, he may still be hiding it.

 

[YHWH_will_uplift]

@YHWH_will_uplift Thanks for your response.Yea we both have days off. He is off Sunday-Tuesday and I am off Sat-Sunday. Sunday is the only full day we have together and we usually spend the day together doing something or going out. Even on his days off though when he is not working and has time to rest he is still considerably "tired". When he says "variety" he means he likes to cuddle or watch a show at night with me instead of being intimate. Which is totally fine for me too but its the lack of intimacy on his part that hurts me.

Oh! sorry if I was unclear about that, we only lived with family for maybe 2 months tops. For the past two years we have been in our own apartment together. I only brought up that we lived with family because back then because I thought maybe he was feeling uncomfortable living with family and that's why he wasn't initiating intimacy but that really wasn't considering it has been the same struggle since then even in our own apartment.

If I cuddle with him he usually falls asleep or tries to sleep. He says he can't sleep very well. I don't think he responds more or less sexually if we cuddle.... its kinda just the same.

Thanks for your advice I appreciate!

You're welcome sister! Thanks for the clarification as it gives us a better picture to work with. After going through your OP a second time...

If your husband was all over you while dating but, now is hardly not then have you investigated as to where the disconnect could be?
Have you asked your husband why he loses his erection after touching you down there?
Did your husband reveal why he thinks the nether region of women is "gross"?

In cases like these it is best to stay in the present so you can see things for what they are as opposed to what they were, or how you would like them to be. Doing this will ensure that you aren't missing anything going on in front of you. So like, don't be too into him but, don't be too into yourself either: find that balance so you can see things clearly. When we calculate your schedules we see this:

Husband's Work Schedule
S - Off
M - 5:30p-6p (12 Hours 30 Minutes)
T - Off
W - 5:30p-6p (12 Hours 30 Minutes)
T - 5:30p-6p (12 Hours 30 Minutes)
F - 5:30p-6p (12 Hours 30 Minutes)
S - 5:30p-6p (12 Hours 30 Minutes)

12 Hours x 5 Days = 60 Hours

(30 Minutes x 5 Days) / 60 Minutes = 150 Minutes / 60 Minutes =
2 Hours and 30 Minutes
60 Hours + 2 Hours + 30 Minutes =
62 Work Hours and 30 Minutes per Week

62 Work Hours and 30 Minutes + 35 Commute Hours =
97 Work and Commute Hours and 30 Minutes per Week*
(24 Hours - 15 Hours) - 30 Minutes =
9 Hours - 30 Minutes =
8 Hours and 30 Minutes left for rest and winding down

Aria's Work Schedule
S - Off
M- 7a-8p (13 Hours)
T - 7a-8p (13 Hours)
W - 7a-8p (13 Hours)
T - 7a-8p (13 Hours)
F - 7a-8p (13 Hours)
S - Off

13 Hours x 5 Days = 65 Work Hours per Week

(3 Hours 30 Minutes x 2 Commutes) x 5 Days =
7 Commute Hours x 5 Days = 35 Commute Hours

65 Work Hours + 35 Commute Hours = 100 Work and Commute Hours per Week
24 Hours - 15 Hours = 9 Hours left for rest and winding down

*Assuming your husband has the same number of commute hours as you.

The challenge here sister Aria is to look at what is going on with your husband during the hours you are both not working. Time and place will help you get closer to answering the six primary questions about your husband:

Who is he around?
What is he doing?
Where is he at?
When does he arrive and leave from there?
Why is he doing this?
How is he going about this?

You get the picture sister.

 

[aria903]

Have you had a talk about his masturbation habits, both before and after you guys got married?

If he had the habit of doing it and hiding it, he may still be hiding it.

Yea he told me he never did that during the time we were together as in dating nor in marriage. I don't think he's lying about that he doesn't seem like the kind of guy that would.

 

[Dave-W]

Yea he told me he never did that during the time we were together as in dating nor in marriage.

I don’t believe that for a moment. Especially with your description of him not being able to keep his hands off of you.

The only guys who do not touch are those who have such low testosterone they don’t want sex at all. And that is less than 5% of men.

The only other case would be men who truly have the charismatic gift of celibacy; and if he had that he had no business getting married.

I don't think he's lying about that he doesn't seem like the kind of guy that would.

He just hid it well. His deep dark secret.

 

[Endeavourer]

I agree with the other posters.

On top of that, check for porn use. Some men who are addicted to porn prefer it and self satisfaction to live interactions with their wives.

 

[tall73]

First of all I am sorry you are struggling with this. We have had a number of folks, both men and women, who struggle with different drives or sexual refusal. It is difficult, really for both parties. It is painful for you to be rejected, and not good for him to do something out of duty, especially if he actually finds it distasteful.

He either doesn't touch me at all or barely touches me for two seconds and wants just jump into sex. He doesn't do certain things which I do for him... he does not do for me.. He has in the past said that thinks women nether region it's "gross" which really really hurt me. But since then he apologized for that but it doesn't take back the fact that he thought that way. (And I keep myself very groomed and clean so I know hygiene is not an issue) He pretty much will loose his erection every time he touches me down there.

You need to focus on this. That is unusual. You definitely need to ask him further, not to apologize, but to explain. Did he have misconceptions of female anatomy before marriage? Is he turned off by the appearance, odor, etc.? Did he think that it was wrong or bad all along but was just excited before marriage?

There are a number of things that can cause differences in drive. But this seems like a red flag that really should come first. He had all this excitement--then when he encountered your actual anatomy he did not, and called it gross. Apology isn't the issue. You need to figure out what the problem is.

Beyond that, here is a checklist thread for this issue because it comes up often. See if any of these might apply based one what you know. Then you might ask him to go through the list separately and see what you each indicate.

Low sex drive--check list

-Abuse
-Anxiety about sex
-Bad relationship in general, fighting, bullying, lack of communication, resentment, sex used as bargaining chip, etc.
- Child birth (late pregnancy, immediately after child birth, nursing, etc. can all play a role)
-Dissatisfaction with particulars, lack of know-how or technique
-Drugs, prescription or otherwise
-Erection difficulty
-Guilt over previous sexual activity
-Hormone levels
-Ingrained teaching that sex is wrong or dirty
- Lack of attraction
- Lack of sleep
- Lack of nutrition
- Mental Health (depression, PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, etc.)
- Never had drive
- Obesity (impact on libido, also body image)
-Pain during sex
- Physical damage to mechanism
-Physical limitations (weight, disability, sickness)
- Pornography
-Premature [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]
-Pressure to do particular, unwanted activities
- Sexual or emotional attachments outside of marriage (cheating, or excessive masturbation, etc.)
-Stress (new children in home, busy work schedule, over-commitment in time)
-Religious convictions that sex is wrong or dirty
- Waiting to have sex until marriage and "turned off" drive