why?

[books1125]

Two days ago, I cut for the first time in four months, and I did it again yesterday. <edit> And it didn't even bother me. The thoughts that should have been crossing my mind, things like "I was doing so well, now I messed it all up," were pretty much the last thing on my mind. The main thought crossing my mind was instead, "what if my mom finds out I cut again?" My biggest problem is not that I'm relapsing with cutting, but that the main thing that has kept me from cutting over the past four months (fear of my mom going to extreme measures, as she usually does) will soon no longer be an issue. In a few weeks, I'm going away to college, where my mom will not know whether I'm cutting, and I can easily hide all cuts without anyone knowing. So that leaves me with this: either I figure out how to want to get better in the next few weeks, or I face a severe relapse that could potentially take me to the worst I have ever been with my cutting. And what really scares me is that the idea of a severe relapse doesn't scare me. I actually want to relapse,<edit> and that really scares me. And right now, as I lay in bed, unable to sleep because of anxiety over food, my weight, etc, all I want to do is cut. If I'm like this while living at home under the careful watch of my mom, what am I going to do when I can suddenly do things without anyone knowing about it?

 

[Criada]

Praying for you, sweetie.
You might find that when you are responsible for yourself rather than being 'watched' you have more incentive to stop. Praying that happens!

 

[NoddaProbBob]

Hi hun. As a college student myself (go Huskies!) I can say cutting may become complex for you. I have felt the same way as you but I have also felt the same way as Criada has described. You can choose to allow self injury to take over, or you can choose to control it. Just as you can control how you cut, you can easily choose just how mucj you don't cut. It's actually pretty empowering. But on the other hand you need to decide if you truly want to stop. If you do then you can truly find just as many reasons not to cut just like you find reasons to cut. Cutting will not be the only stressor that you will encounter. A lot of people have issues with the adjustment to college, and that's for non cutters as well.
My suggestion to you is to get involved. If you have a certain religious affiliation then your school will likely have a group that is the same or similar to your beliefs. Aside from that, there are about a million other things you could do to get involved. Staying involved will help keep your cutting as bay a bit if you will allow it to. Not only that, but it will help you enjoy your college experience so much more! I went to community college then transferred so I missed out on a lot of that. The school culture/atmosphere is a great thing to be apart of!
You have the power to have this go in so many directions. But getting and staying involved is a great way for you to find out who you really are. To learn about yourself and take care of yourself!
I hope you will be able to do that.
Never forget to ask for help because the support is there if you're willing to go find it!

 

[Chris G]

Have you tried thinking about WHY your mom (and everyone else) doesn't want you to cut? Your mom loves you. She wants the best for you, which is why you goes through "extreme measures". Even if they might not help or even if they make it worse, try to think of the reason for why she uses them. She cares about you, even if it sometimes is hard to understand that people actually do care of oneself.

Now, the problems that you are struggling with are indeed very hard to cope with, which is why you resort to cutting as a way to (temporarily) "help" you cope with the pain. HOWEVER; it is important to note that cutting only "works" temporarily. I mean, you still do cut every time that you feel bad, do you not? Cutting will not solve your issues. I think that you know it yourself. I assume that you do not want to struggle with "your anxiety over food and your weight etc". Likewise, you don't really want to cut. You just do it to "help" you cope with the pain that those issues bring you. Now, which of these options do you prefer?
1.) Keep feeling bad with regards to your anxiety over food, your weight, etc and cut every time that you feel bad.
OR
2.) Not have to feel as bad as you do right now, and thus have no incentive to cut.

I will assume that you'd prefer not feel as bad as you do currently, and thus option 2. In order for this to happen, you have to get help with regards to your anxiety about food and your weight etc. You can write here on the forums whenever you feel bad or want to discuss what to do. If you find yourself not having the energy to write anything, you can just read what other people are saying about how their handling their issues with self-harm. You can even find a therapist to get professional help (which I recommend, if it is available to you). There are A LOT of different things that you can do.

What I'm trying to say with all of this is, you only cut as a way for you to temporarily "help" you cope with your feelings when you are feeling bad. But if you instead get to the core of the issue which is the feelings that are causing you to want to cut (the anxiety over food, weight, etc), you won't even need/want to cut anymore! This will not only make you feel better about yourself, but also keep your mom from resorting to "extreme measures".
I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say, as I tend to be awful at getting my point across. I also hope what I've written doesn't offend you or anyone else in any way.

I'm praying that you manage to get help and not have to feel the way you do. You are not alone, you can feel better (even if it sometimes might seem impossible).