This is a long one, but I REALLY, REALLY I need advice on this as soon as possible; I have to make a decision tomorrow (today, really -- it's about 6AM as I write this, and he wants to come and get me for a date at 9 or 10). So I mentioned on another post how I was looking for a Daddy and whatnot, but it's funny how things end up playing out...
A quick recap on my personal situation (that affects my decision): My mother was highly physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive for about 7 years (no father in the picture). Over a year ago, she tried to kill me and kicked me out of my home. For the past year or so, I've been living in several different places, and have lived in four different states. I got accepted into my dream school in California with one of the best degree programs in the country for what I want to do. I moved out to California with only 500 bucks to my name, made it out there for a few months, but some family that I hadn't seen in years offered me the ability to live with them for as long as 8 months in Georgia and I can move back to Cali for school in January. It gives me the chance to live in a safe place and have consistent food and shelter and be able to save up money so I never have to live with flaky people again; I've never been able to live somewhere long enough to get a job. That being said, I've always relied on God to come through for me on things, and I've done some "impossible" things -- there's an 8 percent chance that a homeless kid will even get into college (less that they'll graduate), and I've gotten into a highly exclusive program, and there's no doubt in my mind that I'll graduate. The problem with that ideology is that I get myself into alot of situations (particularly with my love life) that cause some problems.
Something I've noticed about myself is that with each guy I've dated (I'm currently on my fourth -- I wasn't allowed to date in my mother's house) I keep on accepting too much about them. Everyone has baggage, and you should be willing to deal with that if you want to have an adult relationship (I was actually engaged to my first boyfriend -- thank God I didn't go through with it), which I do. Case in point, my last boyfriend is someone I met here. Because I'm so used to being able to just pick up and move from one place to another, personal ties don't mean much to me. My friends back in my home state check on me often and help me as much as they can from afar, but large family gatherings actually make me pretty uncomfortable, because I've never had family in my life, really. It had always been my mom and I, and everyone from both my father and mother's side are criminals. I want a big family someday and children to do much better for than my mother did to/for me (but not at least for another 5 years!) So with my last ex, a Georgia native, who was highly family-centered and very small-town-minded, he didn't want to ever leave his home under any circumstance, even if great opportunities struck. He was 22 years old, and I'd proposed that if we worked out over the course of 9 months that he entertained the idea of moving to California maybe a few months after. He wasn't on a college career track, had a totally stable family situation (no one home that he had to support), and there were plenty of good reasons that moving to Cali would be good for him, even if we didn't work out. His job loved him so much that if he wanted to come back after a few months (if we didn't work) it would have been fine. He was a great guy and treated me like a princess, but was ultimately a very immature and selfish person. When I got here, because I have so many months here, I entertained the idea of possibly meeting someone here. 9 months, to me, is plenty of time to make a decision. I know plenty of you are probably wondering WHY I'm focused on a relationship so much; More on that at the end. For now, the CURRENT problem at hand.
I met a nice guy on POF. After dating my ex, an Atheist, I didn't know why I entertained the idea since there are so many differences in beliefs and lifestyles while dating someone who isn't, and the Bible also says that you and your significant other should be "equally yolked". Nonetheless always the "people fixer", I spoke to this guy and promised myself that if he wasn't willing to entertain the idea of converting in the future, that we wouldn't date. However, this wasn't something I could ask on a first date (or so I though -- I should have), and after a first date, I found that he was really, really sweet. It was easily the best first date (In terms of quality -- he's not a millionaire, but I've never had someone spend so much and give me such an extravagant first date! O_O) My original plan was for me to go on a few dates with him and actually take things slow -- even though I've been trying to keep up with my abstinence, my last two relationships ended up with me jumping in bed with a guy quickly. I'm a highly sexual person and always have been, but it's not conclusive to having the kind of relationship that God wants for his children. I was gonna wait a bit and not rush into a relationship first. He surprises me by kissing me on the first date and that's when I had this big epiphany -- as I said earlier, I'm a huge "people fixer". I accept way too much baggage when there's nothing wrong with having a relationship where two people fit together rather than two drastically different puzzle pieces trying to make things work. In order for this guy and I to have a good relationship, he'd have to be willing to convert, be okay with me being abstinent (Haven't even told him that yet! Will be doing that today.), and be cool with moving to California in the near future... And after he kissed me, it occurred to me that I don't think that's what I want to put up with, even if he agrees to it all. Speaking purely with logic and no emotions, it'd be easier to just meet a man, online, in California who's a Christian (no need for conversion) who I know doesn't have plans to move away from there like I do.
This is my issue: I've had alot of people ask me what it is that I really want a relationship so badly. They say that I need to spend more time "on my own" and "learn myself as a person" and that if I "really loved God then I wouldn't feel alone". As a person that has been alone a majority of her life, even while living with a mother, I've spent plenty of time doing that. When I got sick to the point of almost not being able to walk? I had to make my own soup and cook for myself. I had all the chores in the house, including my own laundry, cooking for my mother and I, and even cleaning my mom's room since I was 12. I had to handle all my school-related business and tutoring on my own. I couldn't talk about my personal issues and feelings because I'd get hit for crying or saying too much. I have SPENT time alone. I have LEARNED myself as a person. And as for my relationship with God? Yes, I do need to put him first more in my life, and I think anyone could say that. And Jesus Christ, while on the cross, asked God why he'd forsaken him. I think Christians like to pretend that we're WRONG or IMPERVIOUS to feeling emotions when the difference between Christians and normal people is not that we can't feel emotion and that non-believers can, but that we react differently to them. I don't blame God for anything bad that's happened in my life. These things have made me stronger, and he's been there every time that I didnt' have enough food, or struggled to find a reason to live, and needed money. He always provided. So I don't think there's anything wrong at all with me not wanting to be alone. I'm tired of it. And yes, men can disappoint, and lie and not be who they claim to be. But I want a relationship that isn't like that. And I'm tired of people telling me to not look for it. I feel like there's no issue as long as I get the things done that I need to and continue to function. I definitely want to get counseling to find out more about myself, but after alot of self-evaluation, that's what I've come to. People who say "You need to just be by yourself" typically, at the very least, have family to lean on and have no clue what they're talking about and no point of reference like I do. That's like telling someone in a wheelchair that they're lazy and inactive and need to take up a sport. They're capable of it, but that person is rude for not considering the fact that the other person does not have functioning legs. I want to be completely financially and economically independent, but I've been abused, clinically diagnosed with depression and PTSD, abandoned, homeless and hungry... And been by myself all the while. I've been alone long enough. I always have and will have God, but it doesn't completely eliminate the feeling. People say that I need to wait for God to act, but it doesn't hurt at all to look. I can't really date casually because I have enough instability in my life right now, and if I'm going to date anyone, it has to be with intent. I'm also inclined towards a relationship here because my only human interaction comes from dating sites. My family (my aunt and two cousins) are the only people here I know, and my aunt is very sickly, and my cousins are 21 and 24 -- they have their own lives. I have no job (but I start one Monday, praise God!
). I've been here for months and besides going on dates and job apps (we're in rural Georgia -- there are no ways to meet other people here in walking distance and my family's cars are always pre-occupied), I've just been on the internet and watching Netflix. I'm goin' crazy here!
I had a talk with him the next time we went out to explain that I just couldn't be with someone that wasn't a Christian. I feel awful about my wishy-washiness because typically I just want serious relationships, and he's really, really into me; Before I told him, I'm sure I seemed a tiny bit distant because I didn't want to commit to anything, even a short-term relationship, without him knowing and what he'd say. I don't like him feeling like I'm drawing him in and out. But before having our conversation about Christianity, he was so nervous, because earlier that week, all I told him was that it had something to do with us and whether or not we could continue. He was so nervous. "Is it about California?" "Are you just not interested in me? Sometimes I can't tell." I haven't been able to be 100% about this relationship because of what he didn't know (and still doesn't know about me not having sex). Do I feel like he'd stick around even if I told him that? I think there's actually quite a possibility. My ex was an atheist and had no issue with it. But we talked about religion and he told me that it wasn't something he could see himself doing and we agreed to talk about it later. It's just... I can actually afford to leave with a sizable amount of money from my job here in 3 or 4 months, and since we've started dating, I've entertained trying a eHarmony and Match, and I feel that besides God putting someone in my path (or meeting at a singles church ministry), online may be the only way for me to meet someone that's young (22-25) and Christian and okay with my lifestyle -- I typically go with that age-range because I can barely relate on a platonic level with people my age because of the differences in life experiences and responsibilities, let alone a romantic one (Not to condescend, but having mommy and daddy take care of everything for my significant other is a turnoff. I want an ADULT who has his emotions together, relationship experience, and who's gone through most of his stages of fooling around). I think that me staying in Georgia for 8 months will only make it hard for me to leave emotionally, and I CANNOT stay here long-term (I'm going in for an animation major for major-motion film, and that industry is only really big in California. There's an industry in Florida, but that's not where I want to spend my life.). I was also told by a pastor that sometimes, the issue isn't figuring out how to push through a sin, but it's a matter of removing yourself from it. I am looking for a relationship right now and I don't want to find myself in another one. If I move myself out to Cali early, I can also get settled quickly and find a job and be ready for school when it starts instead of moving at the last minute. The thing is that I don't have a vehicle out here,
Anyway, I really really do like my boyfriend, and could easily see myself loving him. He's mature and sweet and very considerate. What I WANT to do? I think it's a little selfish, but I would love it if we could just... date for a few months and break up and stay friends when I leave. I have never broken up with someone, and it'd be easier if it were something I actually wanted to do when I don't. I enjoy the way he smells and feels. I AM worried about him tempting me to sex (not necessarily of his own will) because we've fooled around and enjoyed ourselves. (Yes, I'm aware that in theory, we shouldn't even be doing that). If we ended up dating for a few months and my thoughts changed then I suppose I could keep an open mind, but I think it's fair that he's fully informed about what I'm thinking (He knows all about my family situation, though, and comes from an abusive background as well, so he's super understanding). I know it's selfish to want to date someone that has no reason to want something non-serious (I think he said he wouldn't mind when we first met, but he really wants something long-term). It doesn't help that I've said some things that definitely don't infer that I'm NOT abstinent... We've actually exchanged funny stories about sexual escapades before (Honestly, it'd make things easier if he told me that he can't deal with all of this and just wanted to be a friend, but I'M having a ton of issues bringing myself to do it.). The thing is, a selfish side of me really wants to just... enjoy my day with him if this is the last chance I get to as his girlfriend and to tell him all this after. But then I know that he's paying for our food for a picnic we're having and movie, and we're also going to a dog shelter to look around (not to adopt -- being in the presence of dogs is just... cathartic for me and I want to pet some puppies c: ). I'm worried that it'll make me look like a gold-digger or something if I don't do it immediately. I don't want to do this over the phone or Skype, but he has to drive almost 40 minutes to come and see me from where he lives -- he online dates because he's so busy working during the week that we only get weekends. We've only been together two weeks, but I tend to attach myself to good people because after living in a shelter and in several different homes and motels, you begin to understand just how hard finding good people can be. Should I sit down with him outside the house and tell him there so that he can know if he's wasting his time or not? It'd put the ball in his court as to whether he wants our date or not at all (I've never ever done this to a guy before or been in a situation where I change what I want or don't know what I want). Or should I wait till the end of the date after enjoying a good day together? Should I tell him while we're at the park and have gotten the chance to watch some videos and had a good day so he's not inclined to just make a split-second decision? As someone with sales experience, I know that sometimes the decision someone makes is affected by the way it's presented. I feel like me having him sit down in front of my house to break the news to him is just a little... ominous. Like it forces him to make a decision then and there. Then telling him after or during the date... like I said, I feel like it'll just seem like I'm trying to lead him on or use him. I don't know. To the guys, how would you feel in this situation? To everyone -- what would you do?
A quick recap on my personal situation (that affects my decision): My mother was highly physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive for about 7 years (no father in the picture). Over a year ago, she tried to kill me and kicked me out of my home. For the past year or so, I've been living in several different places, and have lived in four different states. I got accepted into my dream school in California with one of the best degree programs in the country for what I want to do. I moved out to California with only 500 bucks to my name, made it out there for a few months, but some family that I hadn't seen in years offered me the ability to live with them for as long as 8 months in Georgia and I can move back to Cali for school in January. It gives me the chance to live in a safe place and have consistent food and shelter and be able to save up money so I never have to live with flaky people again; I've never been able to live somewhere long enough to get a job. That being said, I've always relied on God to come through for me on things, and I've done some "impossible" things -- there's an 8 percent chance that a homeless kid will even get into college (less that they'll graduate), and I've gotten into a highly exclusive program, and there's no doubt in my mind that I'll graduate. The problem with that ideology is that I get myself into alot of situations (particularly with my love life) that cause some problems.
Something I've noticed about myself is that with each guy I've dated (I'm currently on my fourth -- I wasn't allowed to date in my mother's house) I keep on accepting too much about them. Everyone has baggage, and you should be willing to deal with that if you want to have an adult relationship (I was actually engaged to my first boyfriend -- thank God I didn't go through with it), which I do. Case in point, my last boyfriend is someone I met here. Because I'm so used to being able to just pick up and move from one place to another, personal ties don't mean much to me. My friends back in my home state check on me often and help me as much as they can from afar, but large family gatherings actually make me pretty uncomfortable, because I've never had family in my life, really. It had always been my mom and I, and everyone from both my father and mother's side are criminals. I want a big family someday and children to do much better for than my mother did to/for me (but not at least for another 5 years!) So with my last ex, a Georgia native, who was highly family-centered and very small-town-minded, he didn't want to ever leave his home under any circumstance, even if great opportunities struck. He was 22 years old, and I'd proposed that if we worked out over the course of 9 months that he entertained the idea of moving to California maybe a few months after. He wasn't on a college career track, had a totally stable family situation (no one home that he had to support), and there were plenty of good reasons that moving to Cali would be good for him, even if we didn't work out. His job loved him so much that if he wanted to come back after a few months (if we didn't work) it would have been fine. He was a great guy and treated me like a princess, but was ultimately a very immature and selfish person. When I got here, because I have so many months here, I entertained the idea of possibly meeting someone here. 9 months, to me, is plenty of time to make a decision. I know plenty of you are probably wondering WHY I'm focused on a relationship so much; More on that at the end. For now, the CURRENT problem at hand.
I met a nice guy on POF. After dating my ex, an Atheist, I didn't know why I entertained the idea since there are so many differences in beliefs and lifestyles while dating someone who isn't, and the Bible also says that you and your significant other should be "equally yolked". Nonetheless always the "people fixer", I spoke to this guy and promised myself that if he wasn't willing to entertain the idea of converting in the future, that we wouldn't date. However, this wasn't something I could ask on a first date (or so I though -- I should have), and after a first date, I found that he was really, really sweet. It was easily the best first date (In terms of quality -- he's not a millionaire, but I've never had someone spend so much and give me such an extravagant first date! O_O) My original plan was for me to go on a few dates with him and actually take things slow -- even though I've been trying to keep up with my abstinence, my last two relationships ended up with me jumping in bed with a guy quickly. I'm a highly sexual person and always have been, but it's not conclusive to having the kind of relationship that God wants for his children. I was gonna wait a bit and not rush into a relationship first. He surprises me by kissing me on the first date and that's when I had this big epiphany -- as I said earlier, I'm a huge "people fixer". I accept way too much baggage when there's nothing wrong with having a relationship where two people fit together rather than two drastically different puzzle pieces trying to make things work. In order for this guy and I to have a good relationship, he'd have to be willing to convert, be okay with me being abstinent (Haven't even told him that yet! Will be doing that today.), and be cool with moving to California in the near future... And after he kissed me, it occurred to me that I don't think that's what I want to put up with, even if he agrees to it all. Speaking purely with logic and no emotions, it'd be easier to just meet a man, online, in California who's a Christian (no need for conversion) who I know doesn't have plans to move away from there like I do.
This is my issue: I've had alot of people ask me what it is that I really want a relationship so badly. They say that I need to spend more time "on my own" and "learn myself as a person" and that if I "really loved God then I wouldn't feel alone". As a person that has been alone a majority of her life, even while living with a mother, I've spent plenty of time doing that. When I got sick to the point of almost not being able to walk? I had to make my own soup and cook for myself. I had all the chores in the house, including my own laundry, cooking for my mother and I, and even cleaning my mom's room since I was 12. I had to handle all my school-related business and tutoring on my own. I couldn't talk about my personal issues and feelings because I'd get hit for crying or saying too much. I have SPENT time alone. I have LEARNED myself as a person. And as for my relationship with God? Yes, I do need to put him first more in my life, and I think anyone could say that. And Jesus Christ, while on the cross, asked God why he'd forsaken him. I think Christians like to pretend that we're WRONG or IMPERVIOUS to feeling emotions when the difference between Christians and normal people is not that we can't feel emotion and that non-believers can, but that we react differently to them. I don't blame God for anything bad that's happened in my life. These things have made me stronger, and he's been there every time that I didnt' have enough food, or struggled to find a reason to live, and needed money. He always provided. So I don't think there's anything wrong at all with me not wanting to be alone. I'm tired of it. And yes, men can disappoint, and lie and not be who they claim to be. But I want a relationship that isn't like that. And I'm tired of people telling me to not look for it. I feel like there's no issue as long as I get the things done that I need to and continue to function. I definitely want to get counseling to find out more about myself, but after alot of self-evaluation, that's what I've come to. People who say "You need to just be by yourself" typically, at the very least, have family to lean on and have no clue what they're talking about and no point of reference like I do. That's like telling someone in a wheelchair that they're lazy and inactive and need to take up a sport. They're capable of it, but that person is rude for not considering the fact that the other person does not have functioning legs. I want to be completely financially and economically independent, but I've been abused, clinically diagnosed with depression and PTSD, abandoned, homeless and hungry... And been by myself all the while. I've been alone long enough. I always have and will have God, but it doesn't completely eliminate the feeling. People say that I need to wait for God to act, but it doesn't hurt at all to look. I can't really date casually because I have enough instability in my life right now, and if I'm going to date anyone, it has to be with intent. I'm also inclined towards a relationship here because my only human interaction comes from dating sites. My family (my aunt and two cousins) are the only people here I know, and my aunt is very sickly, and my cousins are 21 and 24 -- they have their own lives. I have no job (but I start one Monday, praise God!
). I've been here for months and besides going on dates and job apps (we're in rural Georgia -- there are no ways to meet other people here in walking distance and my family's cars are always pre-occupied), I've just been on the internet and watching Netflix. I'm goin' crazy here!I had a talk with him the next time we went out to explain that I just couldn't be with someone that wasn't a Christian. I feel awful about my wishy-washiness because typically I just want serious relationships, and he's really, really into me; Before I told him, I'm sure I seemed a tiny bit distant because I didn't want to commit to anything, even a short-term relationship, without him knowing and what he'd say. I don't like him feeling like I'm drawing him in and out. But before having our conversation about Christianity, he was so nervous, because earlier that week, all I told him was that it had something to do with us and whether or not we could continue. He was so nervous. "Is it about California?" "Are you just not interested in me? Sometimes I can't tell." I haven't been able to be 100% about this relationship because of what he didn't know (and still doesn't know about me not having sex). Do I feel like he'd stick around even if I told him that? I think there's actually quite a possibility. My ex was an atheist and had no issue with it. But we talked about religion and he told me that it wasn't something he could see himself doing and we agreed to talk about it later. It's just... I can actually afford to leave with a sizable amount of money from my job here in 3 or 4 months, and since we've started dating, I've entertained trying a eHarmony and Match, and I feel that besides God putting someone in my path (or meeting at a singles church ministry), online may be the only way for me to meet someone that's young (22-25) and Christian and okay with my lifestyle -- I typically go with that age-range because I can barely relate on a platonic level with people my age because of the differences in life experiences and responsibilities, let alone a romantic one (Not to condescend, but having mommy and daddy take care of everything for my significant other is a turnoff. I want an ADULT who has his emotions together, relationship experience, and who's gone through most of his stages of fooling around). I think that me staying in Georgia for 8 months will only make it hard for me to leave emotionally, and I CANNOT stay here long-term (I'm going in for an animation major for major-motion film, and that industry is only really big in California. There's an industry in Florida, but that's not where I want to spend my life.). I was also told by a pastor that sometimes, the issue isn't figuring out how to push through a sin, but it's a matter of removing yourself from it. I am looking for a relationship right now and I don't want to find myself in another one. If I move myself out to Cali early, I can also get settled quickly and find a job and be ready for school when it starts instead of moving at the last minute. The thing is that I don't have a vehicle out here,
Anyway, I really really do like my boyfriend, and could easily see myself loving him. He's mature and sweet and very considerate. What I WANT to do? I think it's a little selfish, but I would love it if we could just... date for a few months and break up and stay friends when I leave. I have never broken up with someone, and it'd be easier if it were something I actually wanted to do when I don't. I enjoy the way he smells and feels. I AM worried about him tempting me to sex (not necessarily of his own will) because we've fooled around and enjoyed ourselves. (Yes, I'm aware that in theory, we shouldn't even be doing that). If we ended up dating for a few months and my thoughts changed then I suppose I could keep an open mind, but I think it's fair that he's fully informed about what I'm thinking (He knows all about my family situation, though, and comes from an abusive background as well, so he's super understanding). I know it's selfish to want to date someone that has no reason to want something non-serious (I think he said he wouldn't mind when we first met, but he really wants something long-term). It doesn't help that I've said some things that definitely don't infer that I'm NOT abstinent... We've actually exchanged funny stories about sexual escapades before (Honestly, it'd make things easier if he told me that he can't deal with all of this and just wanted to be a friend, but I'M having a ton of issues bringing myself to do it.). The thing is, a selfish side of me really wants to just... enjoy my day with him if this is the last chance I get to as his girlfriend and to tell him all this after. But then I know that he's paying for our food for a picnic we're having and movie, and we're also going to a dog shelter to look around (not to adopt -- being in the presence of dogs is just... cathartic for me and I want to pet some puppies c: ). I'm worried that it'll make me look like a gold-digger or something if I don't do it immediately. I don't want to do this over the phone or Skype, but he has to drive almost 40 minutes to come and see me from where he lives -- he online dates because he's so busy working during the week that we only get weekends. We've only been together two weeks, but I tend to attach myself to good people because after living in a shelter and in several different homes and motels, you begin to understand just how hard finding good people can be. Should I sit down with him outside the house and tell him there so that he can know if he's wasting his time or not? It'd put the ball in his court as to whether he wants our date or not at all (I've never ever done this to a guy before or been in a situation where I change what I want or don't know what I want). Or should I wait till the end of the date after enjoying a good day together? Should I tell him while we're at the park and have gotten the chance to watch some videos and had a good day so he's not inclined to just make a split-second decision? As someone with sales experience, I know that sometimes the decision someone makes is affected by the way it's presented. I feel like me having him sit down in front of my house to break the news to him is just a little... ominous. Like it forces him to make a decision then and there. Then telling him after or during the date... like I said, I feel like it'll just seem like I'm trying to lead him on or use him. I don't know. To the guys, how would you feel in this situation? To everyone -- what would you do?
