There's nothing else to call it, except weaponized incompetence

[LovebirdsFlying]

NOTE: Please understand that weaponized incompetence is NOT "I don't know how to do this task," or "I don't know how to do it as well as you do." Weaponized incompetence is "I'm pretending I don't understand how to do this task, in the hopes that you'll give up on me and do it yourself, and then I won't have to."

I don't know how much plainer I can explain it, so I'll explain it here and see if anybody else finds this concept as absoultely baffling as my husband apparently does after 15 years. Plus I have to vent, before I go off on him. I am SO sick and tired of having the same conversation with him, over and over and over, only to have to have it again the next laundry day.

I have three night gowns, all of the same plain, unadorned style. They kind of look like long t-shirts, not quite knee-length, hitting just past mid thigh. They were bought as a set. When they arrived, I even unwrapped them in front of him, showed him each one, and identified them as night gowns. My night gowns go on a hook on my side of the closet. They do not get put on a hanger and hung up alongside my dresses.

Since, despite explaining all of this, he almost immediately started mistaking them for dresses, I held a gown and a dress up next to each other and pointed out the difference. Notice that the dress is longer. It has a sewn-in waistband and buttons down the front. It is also of a sturdier, more ornate fabric than my gowns are. I pointed out that he only ever sees me wearing the gowns at home. Does he really think I would go to church, or the grocery store, or anywhere else out in public, wearing one of my gowns? If not, then why would he consistently mistake them for dresses?

In fairness, a lot of people don't know the difference between pants and leggings, but after I've explained it a hundred times, shouldn't it start to make a dent? What the US calls pants, and other English-speaking nations call slacks or trousers, are full length. I don't wear skinny jeans, so all of my pants/slacks have straight or slightly flared legs. They have either belt loops or a drawstring, and are of a heavier, more substantial fabric than leggings. My leggings are of a thin fabric, fit skin tight, and stop at mid calf. They have no belt loops or drawstrings. I wear leggings under long tunics or short dresses, never independently as slacks. My pants/slacks/jeans go on hangers in the closet, the same as his do. Leggings are folded and put in a drawer, just like the pantyhose they have more in common with than they do slacks/pants/jeans. He wouldn't put pantyhose on a hanger, would he? Leggings are just thicker, more colorful pantyhose, without feet.

He still doesn't understand. Every time he does laundry, if I'm not there to specifically clarify whether something hangs or folds, he WILL get it mixed up. I WILL find my nightgowns and leggings on hangers, and I WILL find pants/slacks among my socks and underwear to go in drawers.

I don't think I can possibly explain it any clearer. Can you?

He doesn't listen or retain what I tell him, is a chronic problem in our marriage. At what point do I give up all hope and accept the fact that he just doesn't want to learn the difference because it's not important to him?

 

[Michie]

NOTE: Please understand that weaponized incompetence is NOT "I don't know how to do this task," or "I don't know how to do it as well as you do." Weaponized incompetence is "I'm pretending I don't understand how to do this task, in the hopes that you'll give up on me and do it yourself, and then I won't have to."

I don't know how much plainer I can explain it, so I'll explain it here and see if anybody else finds this concept as absoultely baffling as my husband apparently does after 15 years. Plus I have to vent, before I go off on him. I am SO sick and tired of having the same conversation with him, over and over and over, only to have to have it again the next laundry day.

I have three night gowns, all of the same plain, unadorned style. They kind of look like long t-shirts, not quite knee-length, hitting just past mid thigh. They were bought as a set. When they arrived, I even unwrapped them in front of him, showed him each one, and identified them as night gowns. My night gowns go on a hook on my side of the closet. They do not get put on a hanger and hung up alongside my dresses.

Since, despite explaining all of this, he almost immediately started mistaking them for dresses, I held a gown and a dress up next to each other and pointed out the difference. Notice that the dress is longer. It has a sewn-in waistband and buttons down the front. It is also of a sturdier, more ornate fabric than my gowns are. I pointed out that he only ever sees me wearing the gowns at home. Does he really think I would go to church, or the grocery store, or anywhere else out in public, wearing one of my gowns? If not, then why would he consistently mistake them for dresses?

In fairness, a lot of people don't know the difference between pants and leggings, but after I've explained it a hundred times, shouldn't it start to make a dent? What the US calls pants, and other English-speaking nations call slacks or trousers, are full length. I don't wear skinny jeans, so all of my pants/slacks have straight or slightly flared legs. They have either belt loops or a drawstring, and are of a heavier, more substantial fabric than leggings. My leggings are of a thin fabric, fit skin tight, and stop at mid calf. They have no belt loops or drawstrings. I wear leggings under long tunics or short dresses, never independently as slacks. My pants/slacks/jeans go on hangers in the closet, the same as his do. Leggings are folded and put in a drawer, just like the pantyhose they have more in common with than they do slacks/pants/jeans. He wouldn't put pantyhose on a hanger, would he? Leggings are just thicker, more colorful pantyhose, without feet.

He still doesn't understand. Every time he does laundry, if I'm not there to specifically clarify whether something hangs or folds, he WILL get it mixed up. I WILL find my nightgowns and leggings on hangers, and I WILL find pants/slacks among my socks and underwear to go in drawers.

I don't think I can possibly explain it any clearer. Can you?

He doesn't listen or retain what I tell him, is a chronic problem in our marriage. At what point do I give up all hope and accept the fact that he just doesn't want to learn the difference because it's not important to him?

Isn’t weaponized incompetence a form of gaslighting? There are many reasons for it. I think the issue is finding out what that reason is. I understand that men are not all that into fashion and women’s clothing. Maybe you both should set a day to do the laundry together so you can explain while doing the chore together. There are some people that tasks do not really sink in until they participate in the task they are having issues with. Another easy way to tackle it if you are too frustrated to deal with it is invest in some cute hampers and laundry baskets and label each one with the type of clothing that goes into each one and go from there. Otherwise maybe do your own laundry? I have a laundry day and I usually deal with all it. If my husband has clothes he needs or wants to wear that day, he does his own if I’m not around before laundry day. He does not bother with anything else and that’s fine by me. Some things are just not worth fighting about imo. I hope this helps a bit.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

^^It does help, thanks. Merely starting this thread helped, as I vented and now don't feel such a need to go after him.

 

[Paidiske]

He doesn't listen or retain what I tell him, is a chronic problem in our marriage. At what point do I give up all hope and accept the fact that he just doesn't want to learn the difference because it's not important to him?

If I had the answers, I reckon I could write a bestseller and become a rich woman.

Instead, all I can do is say, you're not alone, I have my own version of laundry issues. In my case, it's that if you hang clothes outside in the sun in particular ways, they fade unevenly (so, part of a shirt darker than the rest, sort of thing) and no longer look good for the workplace etc. Despite me having explained, and explained, and demonstrated, and shown him the sun fading damage, and explained that this causes expense in needing to buy new clothes sooner, and begged.... the only way it gets hung properly is if I do it myself.

I don't get it either. This is a very smart, quite capable guy, but he seems to have these domestic blind spots. I try not to take it personally, but I get the frustration!

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

"The only way it gets hung properly is if I do it myself."

Yes, and my contention is that this is exactly the goal. They don't want to do it, so they keep messing it up, and keep messing it up, and keep messing it up, no matter how long it takes, until we finally throw our hands up in the air in defeat and do it ourselves. Then they win.

 

[seeking.IAM]

Every time he does laundry, if I'm not there to specifically clarify whether something hangs or folds, he WILL get it mixed up.

On the other hand, you have a husband who does laundry and puts it away.

 

[snoochface]

I also have a husband who doesn't listen/hear/retain information well. The only solution that works is for our division of labor to be me doing the things that matter enough for me to want them to be done a certain way, and for him to do the things that he is interested in doing, good at doing, or fall into his wheelhouse. He does most of the cooking, kitchen clean-up (although that has sometimes been a bone of contention when I don't think kitchen hygiene is up to snuff), runs the errands, takes out the trash, picks up the dog poop, does the grocery shopping, yard maintenance, bug treatment -- all the things I can't or won't do. And I handle the bills, money management, laundry, appointment making, calendar keeping, basically things that require attention to detail on a day to day basis to keep the household running smoothly.

I can't count on him to do those attention-to-detail things, because he has no attention to detail. He doesn't remember or retain the information. I tell him he has to understand and agree that there's a reason to do something a certain way, so he intrinsically will do it that way, because trying to remember to do it just because I said to do it that way never, ever works.

I'm not sure it's weaponized incompetence, although I've often felt that way. I really think it's a difference in how we think and process information. It doesn't help that he has a terrible memory and attention span. I couldn't change those things about him, so I tried to divide the chores up in a way that he'd be successful and get things accomplished. It mostly works.

 

[Matt5]

NOTE: Please understand that weaponized incompetence is NOT "I don't know how to do this task," or "I don't know how to do it as well as you do." Weaponized incompetence is "I'm pretending I don't understand how to do this task, in the hopes that you'll give up on me and do it yourself, and then I won't have to."

I don't know how much plainer I can explain it, so I'll explain it here and see if anybody else finds this concept as absoultely baffling as my husband apparently does after 15 years. Plus I have to vent, before I go off on him. I am SO sick and tired of having the same conversation with him, over and over and over, only to have to have it again the next laundry day.

I have three night gowns, all of the same plain, unadorned style. They kind of look like long t-shirts, not quite knee-length, hitting just past mid thigh. They were bought as a set. When they arrived, I even unwrapped them in front of him, showed him each one, and identified them as night gowns. My night gowns go on a hook on my side of the closet. They do not get put on a hanger and hung up alongside my dresses.

Since, despite explaining all of this, he almost immediately started mistaking them for dresses, I held a gown and a dress up next to each other and pointed out the difference. Notice that the dress is longer. It has a sewn-in waistband and buttons down the front. It is also of a sturdier, more ornate fabric than my gowns are. I pointed out that he only ever sees me wearing the gowns at home. Does he really think I would go to church, or the grocery store, or anywhere else out in public, wearing one of my gowns? If not, then why would he consistently mistake them for dresses?

In fairness, a lot of people don't know the difference between pants and leggings, but after I've explained it a hundred times, shouldn't it start to make a dent? What the US calls pants, and other English-speaking nations call slacks or trousers, are full length. I don't wear skinny jeans, so all of my pants/slacks have straight or slightly flared legs. They have either belt loops or a drawstring, and are of a heavier, more substantial fabric than leggings. My leggings are of a thin fabric, fit skin tight, and stop at mid calf. They have no belt loops or drawstrings. I wear leggings under long tunics or short dresses, never independently as slacks. My pants/slacks/jeans go on hangers in the closet, the same as his do. Leggings are folded and put in a drawer, just like the pantyhose they have more in common with than they do slacks/pants/jeans. He wouldn't put pantyhose on a hanger, would he? Leggings are just thicker, more colorful pantyhose, without feet.

He still doesn't understand. Every time he does laundry, if I'm not there to specifically clarify whether something hangs or folds, he WILL get it mixed up. I WILL find my nightgowns and leggings on hangers, and I WILL find pants/slacks among my socks and underwear to go in drawers.

I don't think I can possibly explain it any clearer. Can you?

He doesn't listen or retain what I tell him, is a chronic problem in our marriage. At what point do I give up all hope and accept the fact that he just doesn't want to learn the difference because it's not important to him?

Men take a class in this. It's how to be incompetent so your wife will give up and do it herself.

I want to be more like your husband. I guess I'm not smart enough.

 

[seeking.IAM]

Men take a class in this. It's how to be incompetent so your wife will give up and do it herself.

I want to be more like your husband. I guess I'm not smart enough.

It is not working for him. He is still doing laundry. He needs to incompetent harder.

 

[Paidiske]

It is not working for him. He is still doing laundry. He needs to incompetent harder.

It's working enough. He doesn't have to bother to put in a little extra effort to do it well, he can just put in minimum effort and coast, while his wife is left with a) fixing up what he hasn't done properly, and b) the emotional work of managing her own response and maintaining the relationship despite the apparent blatant disrespect. He has successfully outsourced attention-to-laundry-detail and a heap of internal work.

And some men wonder why their wives end up feeling like their husbands are another child in the household...

(This one might just touch a nerve over here...)

 

[godisagardener]

NOTE: Please understand that weaponized incompetence is NOT "I don't know how to do this task," or "I don't know how to do it as well as you do." Weaponized incompetence is "I'm pretending I don't understand how to do this task, in the hopes that you'll give up on me and do it yourself, and then I won't have to."

I guess I'm at the other end of the spectrum on this.

My husband and I do the laundry together during laundry day. Sometimes he folds, hangs, puts away; sometimes I do; sometimes we do it together. Sometimes he hangs my folding things, sometimes he folds my hanging things and puts them somewhere. At times we each leave certain things on the bed for each of us to put where we want them. It doesn't matter if my things show up in the wrong place. He's helping, which a lot of husbands don't do.

I actually do know of women who hang their panty hose and nightgowns, so it's not completely abnormal.

My husband does the dishwashing. Sometimes my favorite cups aren't where I'd put them, but I eventually find them. He vacuums, which isn't my favorite task. I trim the yard after it's mowed, something he's not good at.

I consider myself blessed. I have friends whose husbands don't help them out at all when it comes to household chores. So the fact that my socks might end up in the underwear drawer seems trifling. I sometimes have to tell him where his own things are! It's not always incompetence when it comes to people. Some folks honestly don't retain certain information. I figure life is too short to let the little things matter so much.

 

[seeking.IAM]

He doesn't have to bother to put in a little extra effort to do it well, he can just put in minimum effort and coast, while his wife is left with a) fixing up what he hasn't done properly,...(This one might just touch a nerve over here...)

Talk about touchy nerves! When I got home from the honeymoon, I learned I didn't know how to fold towels "properly." Apparently, direction of the folds is quite important. It seems mom had been folding wrong all her years and, therefore, taught me wrong. My new bride took me to towel folding school. After several decades of marriage, I sometimes still find myself folding towels twice: The first-time folding mom's way on autopilot (i.e., improperly) before coming to my senses and refolding them "properly" to keep myself out of trouble. Us men aren't so good at stuff, but we can lift heavy things.

 

[Hazelelponi]

NOTE: Please understand that weaponized incompetence is NOT "I don't know how to do this task," or "I don't know how to do it as well as you do." Weaponized incompetence is "I'm pretending I don't understand how to do this task, in the hopes that you'll give up on me and do it yourself, and then I won't have to."

I don't know how much plainer I can explain it, so I'll explain it here and see if anybody else finds this concept as absoultely baffling as my husband apparently does after 15 years. Plus I have to vent, before I go off on him. I am SO sick and tired of having the same conversation with him, over and over and over, only to have to have it again the next laundry day.

I have three night gowns, all of the same plain, unadorned style. They kind of look like long t-shirts, not quite knee-length, hitting just past mid thigh. They were bought as a set. When they arrived, I even unwrapped them in front of him, showed him each one, and identified them as night gowns. My night gowns go on a hook on my side of the closet. They do not get put on a hanger and hung up alongside my dresses.

Since, despite explaining all of this, he almost immediately started mistaking them for dresses, I held a gown and a dress up next to each other and pointed out the difference. Notice that the dress is longer. It has a sewn-in waistband and buttons down the front. It is also of a sturdier, more ornate fabric than my gowns are. I pointed out that he only ever sees me wearing the gowns at home. Does he really think I would go to church, or the grocery store, or anywhere else out in public, wearing one of my gowns? If not, then why would he consistently mistake them for dresses?

In fairness, a lot of people don't know the difference between pants and leggings, but after I've explained it a hundred times, shouldn't it start to make a dent? What the US calls pants, and other English-speaking nations call slacks or trousers, are full length. I don't wear skinny jeans, so all of my pants/slacks have straight or slightly flared legs. They have either belt loops or a drawstring, and are of a heavier, more substantial fabric than leggings. My leggings are of a thin fabric, fit skin tight, and stop at mid calf. They have no belt loops or drawstrings. I wear leggings under long tunics or short dresses, never independently as slacks. My pants/slacks/jeans go on hangers in the closet, the same as his do. Leggings are folded and put in a drawer, just like the pantyhose they have more in common with than they do slacks/pants/jeans. He wouldn't put pantyhose on a hanger, would he? Leggings are just thicker, more colorful pantyhose, without feet.

He still doesn't understand. Every time he does laundry, if I'm not there to specifically clarify whether something hangs or folds, he WILL get it mixed up. I WILL find my nightgowns and leggings on hangers, and I WILL find pants/slacks among my socks and underwear to go in drawers.

I don't think I can possibly explain it any clearer. Can you?

He doesn't listen or retain what I tell him, is a chronic problem in our marriage. At what point do I give up all hope and accept the fact that he just doesn't want to learn the difference because it's not important to him?

Men and women are not the same and they don't think the same.

Be happy you have a husband who helps with laundry and try and understand the things you notice are simply not things that draws men's notice.

Instead of trying to make your husband more like you, figure out who he actually is and learn the ways you can work with his nature to your benefit instead of just being angry all the time.

You'd be far happier. So would he.

 

[jacks]

I think a division of labor works best. There are certain things I do around the house and things my wife does. Now we do help each other out quite often, but the help is usually not up to the quality as the person who normally does the chore. For example, when I help with the laundry (usually my wife's job) I'm sure I don't do it as well or even understand all the nuisances to it. Just like when I need help working on the car, I don't expect my wife to be much more than a third hand. It's not her thing. Yes, it can be frustrating that she doesn't see what I think is obvious, but I can't really expect her to be an expert in everything! And if any wife can get their husband to properly fold a fitted sheet, the world may cease to rotate.

 

[MarkSB]

Men and women are not the same and they don't think the same.

Be happy you have a husband who helps with laundry and try and understand the things you notice are simply not things that draws men's notice.

Instead of trying to make your husband more like you, figure out who he actually is and learn the ways you can work with his nature to your benefit instead of just being angry all the time.

You'd be far happier. So would he.

Yeah, I dunno. There are little habitual things my wife does that I get irritated about - and if it's something that is largely inconsequential, then I try to approach it as you have suggested. But if there are things like one of the posters mentioned - where your SO doesn't hang laundry correctly and it causes damage to the clothing. And you clearly communicate the issue to them, but they keep doing it... that can be very difficult.

 

[Hazelelponi]

Yeah, I dunno. There are little habitual things my wife does that I get irritated about - and if it's something that is largely inconsequential, then I try to approach it as you have suggested. But if there are things like one of the posters mentioned - where your SO doesn't hang laundry correctly and it causes damage to the clothing. And you clearly communicate the issue to them, but they keep doing it... that can be very difficult.

What I'm talking about is like her saying okay, he needs geranimal tags in order to help with this. Just some solid labeling could help.

Or saying okay, these items might get ruined if he messes up the laundry, so I'll keep my good clothes in a different hamper and do them myself, and give him a different chore in it's place so you're not just adding a chore, but instead trading a chore.

That way home work time distribution is still the same.

It's simply knowing ones another's strengths and weaknesses, then playing to the strengths and making allowance for weaknesses.

In the best marriage matches the women have strengths where the men are weak and men have strengths where the women are weak, together it makes a whole that has no weaknesses... We aren't supposed to be the same however we are beautifully complementary.

Strengths and weaknesses. You have to learn how to make the marriage revolve around everyone's strengths, by making allowance for the weakness.

 

[MarkSB]

What I'm talking about is like her saying okay, he needs geranimal tags in order to help with this. Just some solid labeling could help.

Or saying okay, these items might get ruined if he messes up the laundry, so I'll keep my good clothes in a different hamper and do them myself, and give him a different chore in it's place so you're not just adding a chore, but instead trading a chore.

That way home work time distribution is still the same.

It's simply knowing ones another's strengths and weaknesses, then playing to the strengths and making allowance for weaknesses.

In the best marriage matches the women have strengths where the men are weak and men have strengths where the women are weak, together it makes a whole that has no weaknesses... We aren't supposed to be the same however we are beautifully complementary.

Strengths and weaknesses. You have to learn how to make the marriage revolve around everyone's strengths, by making allowance for the weakness.

Ah, I see. That makes a lot of sense.... and is very strategic. I like it! One could even say its... biblical? (Different members, one body).

I've actually done sort of the same thing with laundry. My white shirts have a tendency to come back... not white. So after mentioning it once or twice, I just started keeping them separate and doing them myself, lol. But in my situation, there's no need for me to trade a chore, really - since I feel like my wife already does more than her share. I do a lot of work on our house and the majority of the maintenance on our vehicles (and I work more hours than she does), but she still does a TON of stuff with watching the kids and housework and all. We naturally balance each other out pretty well. (That's not to say we don't have our conflicts and pain points, which we both need to keep working on and praying about).

 

[RDKirk]

My wife has been using a Windows computer for work for the last 20+ years, using Windows browsers every day, yet she claims she doesn't know what "browser" means. If she has any kind of difficulty whatsoever doing anything with her computer, I have to help her out.

Once I hadn't been in her car for a couple of weeks. When I did get in one Saturday, I noticed immediately that the steering wheel had to turn a full half turn before it even began changing direction. I checked under the hood and discovered that the metal turnbuckle from the wheel to the steering gear had broken and the connection was being held only by its rubber boot. I asked her how long it had been that way...she had no clue. She'd never noticed the difference. She also never notices any different sounds while driving.

I've been building PCs since the late 80s, spent the last 20 years doing networking for a Fortune 50 company, so, yeah, I know that stuff. I've been doing automotive repair, including rebuilding engines, since the 70s, so I know that stuff too.

But she's smart enough to do a lot better...if she didn't know she can just hand problems to me.

Because of my military background, I not only know how to clean better than she does, my standards are higher...so I do most of the cleaning, including the kitchen and bathrooms. I also do all the outdoor work, all the home maintenance, including electrical work, plumbing, and carpentry.

There is nothing my wife does that I don't do some of, and a lot of things I do that she does none of.

I doubt I'm a unicorn.

 

[Paidiske]

Or saying okay, these items might get ruined if he messes up the laundry, so I'll keep my good clothes in a different hamper and do them myself, and give him a different chore in it's place so you're not just adding a chore, but instead trading a chore.

....

It's simply knowing ones another's strengths and weaknesses, then playing to the strengths and making allowance for weaknesses.

The point of the problem is, though, when the so-called weakness is just unwillingness to do something basic, with the outcome that it becomes the other person's problem to deal with.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Paidiske gets it. Again, I am not talking about actually BEING incompetent at a certain chore. I am talking about PRETENDING to be incompetent at it, so you can get out of doing it.