Emotionally Abusive Relationship

[Lexie Grey]

I'm 19 years old, in my second year of college, and have found myself in the middle of a scary relationship. I am by no means throwing around the word abusive if I didn't genuinely believe that's the situation I'm in.

I've been dating this person since last year. He found me in a really bad chapter of my life, I had no friends, no courage, and no faith. I was terrified of everyone and could barely take care of myself, so when I found this person, he took care of me. At first I was so grateful for this, we ate together, we went everywhere together, I slept in his bed. And sooner before later, I found that we were spending every moment together. I wouldn't eat without him, wouldn't sleep without him, or wouldn't do anything without his permission. I did this because I felt indebted to him, he had saved my life, so I could at least do these things for him.

By the end of the year, this pattern began to become unhealthy. Not only did I not do anything without him or without his permission, but I was scared to. I knew that if I ate or went somewhere on my own or with one of my friends that he would be hurt, and we'd get into an argument not worth having. At this point I began to realize that he liked to have control of my life, and wasn't adapting well to my improving mental health, and wanted me to stay as a little girl who desperately needed him. I couldn't go anywhere without him, but he could go places with his friends and not tell me all the time. I began to feel so grateful for the hours he was in class, or when he was with his friends, because I could finally be myself. Not only this, but we were sexually active, but it was not a double sided interaction. I had sex with him because I knew it was what he wanted, often times I would cry while we had sex, or lie and say that I'd have to go shower and cry in my room. I was miserable, I wasn't myself. Every night I would let him fall asleep before me so I could cry and have him not notice.

If I wanted to go home to my family, he would get so upset and cry and accuse me of not wanting to be with him anymore, so while all of this was happening, I was completely cut off with my family.

We live far away from each other, so over the summer I didn't see him for a few months. Months that I consider the happiest of my life. I recommitted my life to God, I found my self worth, I went out with friends and enjoyed my life. He started to notice this change in attitude, and started accusing me of cheating. I would be with my family and tell him that I couldn't answer his phone call, and he would argue with me, fighting me that my family was more important to me than him, or that I was lying and with another boy. Not only this, but when I recommitted my life to God and told him that I no longer wanted to have sex, we had a fight that lasted five hours, I cried so much that my eyes were swollen shut in the morning, so I left him. I was happy, I was free.

But a few weeks ago, I went back to him. I can't figure out, for the life of me, that I went back. But all I know is that it's even worse now. He doesn't respect me, he constantly cuts me down and makes me feel stupid and small. I have sex with him when he wants to, and cry myself to sleep like nothing had ever changed. I've tried to leave him multiple times, but each time he guilt me into staying. He gets angry if I see him talking to anybody other than him, and tells me all the time that he misses the "old me".

I want out of this relationship more than anything in the world, but I don't know what to do. Ill take any advice I can get, I just need help right now.

 

[PinkPearl]

I'm 19 years old, in my second year of college, and have found myself in the middle of a scary relationship. I am by no means throwing around the word abusive if I didn't genuinely believe that's the situation I'm in.

I've been dating this person since last year. He found me in a really bad chapter of my life, I had no friends, no courage, and no faith. I was terrified of everyone and could barely take care of myself, so when I found this person, he took care of me. At first I was so grateful for this, we ate together, we went everywhere together, I slept in his bed. And sooner before later, I found that we were spending every moment together. I wouldn't eat without him, wouldn't sleep without him, or wouldn't do anything without his permission. I did this because I felt indebted to him, he had saved my life, so I could at least do these things for him.

By the end of the year, this pattern began to become unhealthy. Not only did I not do anything without him or without his permission, but I was scared to. I knew that if I ate or went somewhere on my own or with one of my friends that he would be hurt, and we'd get into an argument not worth having. At this point I began to realize that he liked to have control of my life, and wasn't adapting well to my improving mental health, and wanted me to stay as a little girl who desperately needed him. I couldn't go anywhere without him, but he could go places with his friends and not tell me all the time. I began to feel so grateful for the hours he was in class, or when he was with his friends, because I could finally be myself. Not only this, but we were sexually active, but it was not a double sided interaction. I had sex with him because I knew it was what he wanted, often times I would cry while we had sex, or lie and say that I'd have to go shower and cry in my room. I was miserable, I wasn't myself. Every night I would let him fall asleep before me so I could cry and have him not notice.

If I wanted to go home to my family, he would get so upset and cry and accuse me of not wanting to be with him anymore, so while all of this was happening, I was completely cut off with my family.

We live far away from each other, so over the summer I didn't see him for a few months. Months that I consider the happiest of my life. I recommitted my life to God, I found my self worth, I went out with friends and enjoyed my life. He started to notice this change in attitude, and started accusing me of cheating. I would be with my family and tell him that I couldn't answer his phone call, and he would argue with me, fighting me that my family was more important to me than him, or that I was lying and with another boy. Not only this, but when I recommitted my life to God and told him that I no longer wanted to have sex, we had a fight that lasted five hours, I cried so much that my eyes were swollen shut in the morning, so I left him. I was happy, I was free.

But a few weeks ago, I went back to him. I can't figure out, for the life of me, that I went back. But all I know is that it's even worse now. He doesn't respect me, he constantly cuts me down and makes me feel stupid and small. I have sex with him when he wants to, and cry myself to sleep like nothing had ever changed. I've tried to leave him multiple times, but each time he guilt me into staying. He gets angry if I see him talking to anybody other than him, and tells me all the time that he misses the "old me".

I want out of this relationship more than anything in the world, but I don't know what to do. Ill take any advice I can get, I just need help right now.

Your boyfriend sounds like he could have BPD. Does he fit these symptoms?

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases...onality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237

 

[Aldebaran]

I'm 19 years old, in my second year of college, and have found myself in the middle of a scary relationship. I am by no means throwing around the word abusive if I didn't genuinely believe that's the situation I'm in.

I've been dating this person since last year. He found me in a really bad chapter of my life, I had no friends, no courage, and no faith. I was terrified of everyone and could barely take care of myself, so when I found this person, he took care of me. At first I was so grateful for this, we ate together, we went everywhere together, I slept in his bed. And sooner before later, I found that we were spending every moment together. I wouldn't eat without him, wouldn't sleep without him, or wouldn't do anything without his permission. I did this because I felt indebted to him, he had saved my life, so I could at least do these things for him.

By the end of the year, this pattern began to become unhealthy. Not only did I not do anything without him or without his permission, but I was scared to. I knew that if I ate or went somewhere on my own or with one of my friends that he would be hurt, and we'd get into an argument not worth having. At this point I began to realize that he liked to have control of my life, and wasn't adapting well to my improving mental health, and wanted me to stay as a little girl who desperately needed him. I couldn't go anywhere without him, but he could go places with his friends and not tell me all the time. I began to feel so grateful for the hours he was in class, or when he was with his friends, because I could finally be myself. Not only this, but we were sexually active, but it was not a double sided interaction. I had sex with him because I knew it was what he wanted, often times I would cry while we had sex, or lie and say that I'd have to go shower and cry in my room. I was miserable, I wasn't myself. Every night I would let him fall asleep before me so I could cry and have him not notice.

If I wanted to go home to my family, he would get so upset and cry and accuse me of not wanting to be with him anymore, so while all of this was happening, I was completely cut off with my family.

We live far away from each other, so over the summer I didn't see him for a few months. Months that I consider the happiest of my life. I recommitted my life to God, I found my self worth, I went out with friends and enjoyed my life. He started to notice this change in attitude, and started accusing me of cheating. I would be with my family and tell him that I couldn't answer his phone call, and he would argue with me, fighting me that my family was more important to me than him, or that I was lying and with another boy. Not only this, but when I recommitted my life to God and told him that I no longer wanted to have sex, we had a fight that lasted five hours, I cried so much that my eyes were swollen shut in the morning, so I left him. I was happy, I was free.

But a few weeks ago, I went back to him. I can't figure out, for the life of me, that I went back. But all I know is that it's even worse now. He doesn't respect me, he constantly cuts me down and makes me feel stupid and small. I have sex with him when he wants to, and cry myself to sleep like nothing had ever changed. I've tried to leave him multiple times, but each time he guilt me into staying. He gets angry if I see him talking to anybody other than him, and tells me all the time that he misses the "old me".

I want out of this relationship more than anything in the world, but I don't know what to do. Ill take any advice I can get, I just need help right now.

This sounds like a relationship where the man is controlling. Some women actually like this because it makes them feel like they're with someone who has all the answers and knows more than they do, while others stay with the man because they feel trapped. If you feel trapped, I would suggest working on yourself to make yourself become more independent of him.

I've seen cases like this before, including my next door neighbors I currently have where the woman is the verbally abusive one and they guy stays with her because he doesn't feel like he could get anyone better. It's not a good life in the long term. At some point, the abused person has to break out of the trap and become independent of their abuser.

 

[Lost4words]

Wake up from this nightmare now. Go back home where you are safe. Cut all ties with him.

 

[Take Heart]

Lexie, my heart breaks for you . I'm so Sorry for what he's put you through. I must be frank that the relationship you're in is definitely abusive. It's a vicious cycle that never seems to end unless you make the change. If you fear for your life/wellbeing of leaving him, I would get the authorities involved. If you need to ask for a restraini g order, I would highly recommend that. I would also let your family know, if they're not aware already, about the state of your relationship, how you feel, what he's said/done and that you need their support and help in moving you out. You seem to realize that this relationship is truly unhealthy and I'm thankful that you are aware of your need to get out once and for all from him and into a better life of freedom and healing. I know how hard and scary it can be to want to leave and to wonder your next steps and how he'll react. Do this for your future, your mental, emotional am, and spiritual well-being. I believe God has allowed you to come to this place in your life and press into your heart that you need to leave. Please pray for your protection, for support and help from your family, and go from the authorities should you feel it necessary. You also must understand that those who like to control someone will use many different tactics such as making you feel guilty, making you feel worthless and that you need him in your life to 'survive' or he may make you feel scared to leave. Whatever the case, remind yourself if this is what you want to endure and live like for the next 5 or ten years down the road. If not, and I'm positive that you will agree, that you will use that as motivation to get out and never look back. I know it can seem lonely if you decide to leave him. But you know what it's like to be free and happy and yourself again. I encourage you to seek help and support so that you have people in your life who are aware of your situation and can help you so that you don't have to go through this alone. Please keep praying for an opportune time to leave and that you will be safe. I once you do leave, block him from every social media outlet, every phone number. Change your number if you have to. My prayers are with you. Trust in God. He's got you. He has plans for you- plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope a future. You need only to decide once and for all to change the course of your life and to live in the freedom that God meant for you to live in.

 

[Lexie Grey]

Your boyfriend sounds like he could have BPD. Does he fit these symptoms?

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases...onality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237

Personally, I don't think he suffers from this. He never struggles with his identity, and always has his own reasons for being angry or upset with me. He's an extremely confident person and often calls himself a functioning narcissist, so I don't think he has BPD.

 

[Aldebaran]

Personally, I don't think he suffers from this. He never struggles with his identity, and always has his own reasons for being angry or upset with me. He's an extremely confident person and often calls himself a functioning narcissist, so I don't think he has BPD.

What reasons are those?

 

[Lexie Grey]

Lexus, my heart breaks for you . I'm so Sorry for what he's put you through. I must be frank that the relationship you're in is definitely abusive. It's a vicious cycle that never seems to end unless you make the change. If you fear for your life/wellbeing of leaving him, I would get the authorities involved. If you need to ask for a restraini g order, I would highly recommend that. I would also let your family know, if they're not aware already, about the state of your relationship, how you feel, what he's said/done and that you need their support and help in moving you out. You seem to realize that this relationship is truly unhealthy and I'm thankful that you are aware of your need to get out once and for all from him and into a better life of freedom and healing. I know how hard and scary it can be to want to leave and to wonder your next steps and how he'll react. Do this for your future, your mental, emotional am, and spiritual well-being. I believe God has allowed you to come to this place in your life and press into your heart that you need to leave. Please pray for your protection, for support and help from your family, and go from the authorities should you feel it necessary. You also must understand that those who like to control someone will use many different tactics such as making you feel guilty, making you feel worthless and that you need him in your life to 'survive' or he may make you feel scared to leave. Whatever the case, remind yourself if this is what you want to endure and live like for the next 5 or ten years down the road. If not, and I'm positive that you will agree, that you will use that as motivation to get out and never look back. I know it can seem lonely if you decide to leave him. But you know what it's like to be free and happy and yourself again. I encourage you to seek help and support so that you have people in your life who are aware of your situation and can help you so that you don't have to go through this alone. Please keep praying for an opportune time to leave and that you will be safe. I once you do leave, block him from every social media outlet, every phone number. Change your number if you have to. My prayers are with you. Trust in God. He's got you. He has plans for you- plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope a future. You need only to decide once and for all to change the course of your life and to live in the freedom that God meant for you to live in.

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and love. I never expected such an out pour of love. Thank you so much for responding to my thread.

I tried to leave him a couple nights ago, but I somehow was convinced by him that I was crazy. He told me it was just my hormones acting up, and told me to get on my bed so he could lay down next to me. I was scared I was crazy, scared of what he'd do if I refused, so I let him. I don't want to break up with him in a way that wouldn't respect him as a person, but every time I try I find myself agreeing with everything he says just to end the fight and get him out of my room. I don't really know how to break up with him, if it would be disrespectful or bad to have another person in the room with me, but I don't really know at this point.

 

[Lexie Grey]

What reasons are those?

He usually blames my hormones, or tells me that I haven't had enough sleep and that I'm acting crazy. Or that I'm just aimlessly trying to be independent for no reason.

 

[Aldebaran]

He usually blames my hormones, or tells me that I haven't had enough sleep and that I'm acting crazy. Or that I'm just aimlessly trying to be independent for no reason.

So he blames his angry outbursts on you and comes up with ways that it must be your fault in order to take the blame off himself. That's a bully tactic, and bullies are all about control. I wonder what he'd say if you informed him that your attempt at independence isn't aimless at all, but a way to get away from him. He would no doubt try to make you feel guilty by reminding him of everything he's done for you. That's all fine and dandy, but it's no excuse to be abusive to you.

 

[Take Heart]

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and love. I never expected such an out pour of love. Thank you so much for responding to my thread.

I tried to leave him a couple nights ago, but I somehow was convinced by him that I was crazy. He told me it was just my hormones acting up, and told me to get on my bed so he could lay down next to me. I was scared I was crazy, scared of what he'd do if I refused, so I let him. I don't want to break up with him in a way that wouldn't respect him as a person, but every time I try I find myself agreeing with everything he says just to end the fight and get him out of my room. I don't really know how to break up with him, if it would be disrespectful or bad to have another person in the room with me, but I don't really know at this point.

I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Please don't believe when he says it's just your hormones acting up. I believe the Holy Spirit in you is alerting you and pressing it upon your heart to make a change for your future and to leave the relationship with him as God is jealous for you and wants you to have a healthy, and free life from what you're currently in right now. You don't have to tell him face to face that you are breaking up with him. It is commendable of you to respect him and to want to break it off in a good way. I highly recommend writing a letter to him and leaving it where he can see. I also recommend you leave when he is not around that way you can leave in peace and safety. In your letter, you can say something along the lines of: Dear _____, I just want to thank you for all youve done in my life in helping me with such and such but that you strongly feel that it's best to break up and start a new chapter in your life. I wish you nothing but the best and I'm sorry but this is something I feel I need to do. It doesn't have to be lengthy. But it's a great alternative to having to speak to him face to face and then having him try to persuade you or trick you into feeling like you are making a wrong decision. You have every right to leave and to make a better life for yourself. I encourage you to break up and to return to your family and let God heal you in a peaceful abd loving environment away from him. God loves you and wants nothing more than for you to be safe, loved, and protected and to have a relationship with Jesus.

 

[Handmaid for Jesus]

He usually blames my hormones, or tells me that I haven't had enough sleep and that I'm acting crazy. Or that I'm just aimlessly trying to be independent for no reason.

He is a narcissist ! Run!

 

[SleepingAtLast]

Lexie, I have not been in a relationship quite like yours, but I know how incredibly difficult it can be to let someone go. It can be really easy to stay in a relationship for way too long because considering life without someone you have been with for awhile is hard.

I agree with you that I don't think he has a mental illness, he just has really poor character. When he mistreats you and then blames you, that is called gaslighting, and as you have said it is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. It is clear that he doesn't respect you or your boundaries, and that he is using you. When he gets upset and tries to guilt you for spending time with other people or guilts you into staying with him, all he is doing is trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants. It is clear that he has no concern for making you feel loved or happy, and that every bit of his concern revolves around himself. He is a child who shaves.

I think as human beings we are very good at adapting to circumstances that are not ideal for us, and Lexie, I want you to know that there is freedom and a better life out there without this person in it. Lexie, you deserve to be loved and cherished by the person that you choose to be in a relationship with. You are a precious daughter of God. If you could imagine having a child and the affection that you would have for that child, that is the affection that God has for you, only to a much greater degree. And if you could imagine having a daughter, how would you feel if you knew she was in a relationship like you are in? I imagine you would be heartbroken because you know that she is worth so much more and deserves so much better. It seems so much simpler when you put another person in the context of your own circumstances, and I just want you to know that it is really that simple for you too. You are worth having someone who will love you well and put you before themselves. You are worth being honored physically in a relationship. You are worth having your feelings heard and cared about. You are worth the happiness that comes with having strong, healthy relationships with family and friends outside your relationship.

I think that brief period of freedom you experienced without him was such a gift because you could see that where a guy should be giving you life in the way he treats you in a relationship, instead this guy is robbing you of life. The Bible says that a husband should treat his wife in such a way that she feels like a well-watered vine, and that is obviously not at all the case in how he is treating you here. I almost wonder if that is the true cause of all of your struggles surrounding school, rather than the stresses of school itself.

I wish I knew the right words to say to empower you to stand up to this guy who has robbed you of so much joy. I would just encourage you to constantly remind yourself of the truth surrounding how loved and precious you are, and that you are worth so much more than this child of a guy is giving you. And with that truth in mind, break up with him once and for all, even if it's just a text, and don't even give him a word. If he does try to minimize or write off your feelings, just remember that your feelings are important and that you are worth so much more than this. Block him, delete him from social media, delete texts and messages, etc. Cut him off completely and then turn to the friends and family that make up your strongest support system. Press into Jesus in the lonely moments when you are tempted to reach out to him and remind yourself that he has so much more for you.

You are so amazingly strong and brave for having endured these last couple of years and all of the hardship that has come with them. I have no doubt whatsoever that you are strong enough to stand up to this guy and walk away. Don't allow that voice in your head to question your worth, and don't allow him to question your worth. You are worth being free and having joy in your life again.

 

[barefeetonholyground]

Sweetheart, you made the right decision to leave.
Make it again.
If he accuses you of putting your family first you say "I sure am" and keep on seeing your family.
The only time your partner should be put above your family is if he is your husband!
Cut him off, change your number, block his social media, change schools if you have to--just get away!
You're only 19, you have so many options open to you and it sounds like you know it.
Emotional abuse is far worse than physical abuse because the scars last so much longer.
It has you doubting yourself, your desirability, your capabilities, and everything you know about the world.
Christ did not die to free you from your sins only to become a slave to this man!
Get away, and as fast as you can.
You're a smart girl, I know you can do it.

My best advise (since he seems to know how manipulate your feelings, something that almost all women are vulnerable to) do you have a close male friend, a brother, or even your father to help you?
Guys don't care if they hurt another guy's feelings.
Having a guy step in and break up for you is the way to go.
I've had multiple guys run interference for me not only for breakups, but when guys who show interest just don't take the hint.
If this manchild thinks you're cheating, let him think that.
It's not worth your time to fight it, and it's one way for you to not give in to his manipulation tactics.