I'm 19 years old, in my second year of college, and have found myself in the middle of a scary relationship. I am by no means throwing around the word abusive if I didn't genuinely believe that's the situation I'm in.
I've been dating this person since last year. He found me in a really bad chapter of my life, I had no friends, no courage, and no faith. I was terrified of everyone and could barely take care of myself, so when I found this person, he took care of me. At first I was so grateful for this, we ate together, we went everywhere together, I slept in his bed. And sooner before later, I found that we were spending every moment together. I wouldn't eat without him, wouldn't sleep without him, or wouldn't do anything without his permission. I did this because I felt indebted to him, he had saved my life, so I could at least do these things for him.
By the end of the year, this pattern began to become unhealthy. Not only did I not do anything without him or without his permission, but I was scared to. I knew that if I ate or went somewhere on my own or with one of my friends that he would be hurt, and we'd get into an argument not worth having. At this point I began to realize that he liked to have control of my life, and wasn't adapting well to my improving mental health, and wanted me to stay as a little girl who desperately needed him. I couldn't go anywhere without him, but he could go places with his friends and not tell me all the time. I began to feel so grateful for the hours he was in class, or when he was with his friends, because I could finally be myself. Not only this, but we were sexually active, but it was not a double sided interaction. I had sex with him because I knew it was what he wanted, often times I would cry while we had sex, or lie and say that I'd have to go shower and cry in my room. I was miserable, I wasn't myself. Every night I would let him fall asleep before me so I could cry and have him not notice.
If I wanted to go home to my family, he would get so upset and cry and accuse me of not wanting to be with him anymore, so while all of this was happening, I was completely cut off with my family.
We live far away from each other, so over the summer I didn't see him for a few months. Months that I consider the happiest of my life. I recommitted my life to God, I found my self worth, I went out with friends and enjoyed my life. He started to notice this change in attitude, and started accusing me of cheating. I would be with my family and tell him that I couldn't answer his phone call, and he would argue with me, fighting me that my family was more important to me than him, or that I was lying and with another boy. Not only this, but when I recommitted my life to God and told him that I no longer wanted to have sex, we had a fight that lasted five hours, I cried so much that my eyes were swollen shut in the morning, so I left him. I was happy, I was free.
But a few weeks ago, I went back to him. I can't figure out, for the life of me, that I went back. But all I know is that it's even worse now. He doesn't respect me, he constantly cuts me down and makes me feel stupid and small. I have sex with him when he wants to, and cry myself to sleep like nothing had ever changed. I've tried to leave him multiple times, but each time he guilt me into staying. He gets angry if I see him talking to anybody other than him, and tells me all the time that he misses the "old me".
I want out of this relationship more than anything in the world, but I don't know what to do. Ill take any advice I can get, I just need help right now.
I've been dating this person since last year. He found me in a really bad chapter of my life, I had no friends, no courage, and no faith. I was terrified of everyone and could barely take care of myself, so when I found this person, he took care of me. At first I was so grateful for this, we ate together, we went everywhere together, I slept in his bed. And sooner before later, I found that we were spending every moment together. I wouldn't eat without him, wouldn't sleep without him, or wouldn't do anything without his permission. I did this because I felt indebted to him, he had saved my life, so I could at least do these things for him.
By the end of the year, this pattern began to become unhealthy. Not only did I not do anything without him or without his permission, but I was scared to. I knew that if I ate or went somewhere on my own or with one of my friends that he would be hurt, and we'd get into an argument not worth having. At this point I began to realize that he liked to have control of my life, and wasn't adapting well to my improving mental health, and wanted me to stay as a little girl who desperately needed him. I couldn't go anywhere without him, but he could go places with his friends and not tell me all the time. I began to feel so grateful for the hours he was in class, or when he was with his friends, because I could finally be myself. Not only this, but we were sexually active, but it was not a double sided interaction. I had sex with him because I knew it was what he wanted, often times I would cry while we had sex, or lie and say that I'd have to go shower and cry in my room. I was miserable, I wasn't myself. Every night I would let him fall asleep before me so I could cry and have him not notice.
If I wanted to go home to my family, he would get so upset and cry and accuse me of not wanting to be with him anymore, so while all of this was happening, I was completely cut off with my family.
We live far away from each other, so over the summer I didn't see him for a few months. Months that I consider the happiest of my life. I recommitted my life to God, I found my self worth, I went out with friends and enjoyed my life. He started to notice this change in attitude, and started accusing me of cheating. I would be with my family and tell him that I couldn't answer his phone call, and he would argue with me, fighting me that my family was more important to me than him, or that I was lying and with another boy. Not only this, but when I recommitted my life to God and told him that I no longer wanted to have sex, we had a fight that lasted five hours, I cried so much that my eyes were swollen shut in the morning, so I left him. I was happy, I was free.
But a few weeks ago, I went back to him. I can't figure out, for the life of me, that I went back. But all I know is that it's even worse now. He doesn't respect me, he constantly cuts me down and makes me feel stupid and small. I have sex with him when he wants to, and cry myself to sleep like nothing had ever changed. I've tried to leave him multiple times, but each time he guilt me into staying. He gets angry if I see him talking to anybody other than him, and tells me all the time that he misses the "old me".
I want out of this relationship more than anything in the world, but I don't know what to do. Ill take any advice I can get, I just need help right now.