Dumbest Jokes of All Time

[Lazarus Short]

Latvia, IMHO, has the world's worst jokes:

Tried translating a joke from Latvian.​

John, a rural farmer, decided to visit the zoo in the capital with his family. He has a lot of fun, and comes back ecstatic. His neighbor
Tolya asks him what he saw there.

"Well, I saw a giraffe."

"What's a giraffe?"

"Well, you know horses?"

"Yeah."

"It's like a horse, but really tall and with a long neck."

"Okay, what else?"

"Zebra."

"Zebra?"

"Well, you know horses?"

"Yeah."

"It's like a horse, but with stripes."

"Okay, what else then?"

"I saw a hippo. "

"What's that?"

"You know horses?"

"Yeah?"

"Like a horse, but big and fat."

"Hm. Okay. Anything else?"

"Yes... a crocodile."

"What's a crocodile?"

"You know horses?"

"Yeah?"

"Nothing like one."

 

[Lazarus Short]

A Canadian, a Swiss, a German, a Mexican, a American, a Korean, a Austrian, a Brazilian, a Estonian, a Filipino, a British, a Egyptian, a Icelander, a Jamaican, a South African, a Puerto Rican, a Chinese, a Latvian, a Moroccan, a Taiwanese, a Spaniard, and a Romanian walk into a fancy restaurant.​

The waiter stops them and says “Sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

 

[JohnC101]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer, I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!

 

[Bob Crowley]

Some very old, oldies ...

Customer - "Waiter! What's the fly doing in my soup??"
Waiter - "Backstroke I think Sir!"

Customer: "There is a fly in my soup!"
Waiter: "Hold on Sir, I'll get the fly spray."

Customer "Waiter, what's this fly doing in my alphabet soup?"
Waiter - "Standing in for the apostrophe."

Customer - "Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"
Waiter - (taking spider out of pocket) "Don't worry sir. Bruce will get him!"

Customer - "Waiter, would you please get your thumb out of my soup?"
Waiter - "Sorry sir, but I'm holding the fly down."

Customer - "Waiter! What's the fly doing in my soup??"
Waiter - "Sorry Sir! I didn't realise you were vegetarian!"

 

[Ceallaigh]

I bought 12 bees from a beekeeper.
But when I counted them I saw I had 13.
I told the beekeeper I only paid for 12 bees and you gave me 13.

The beekeeper said, 'the extra one is a free bee'.

 

[Bob Crowley]

I bought 12 bees from a beekeeper.
But when I counted them I saw I had 13.
I told the beekeeper I only paid for 12 bees and you gave me 13.

The beekeeper said, 'the extra one is a free bee'.

Where was the bee flying at 100 mph with his legs crossed?

The B(ee)P(ee) station!

Very old - I think I heard it when I was a kid and that was a lo-o-o-ng time ago.

 

[JohnC101]

What would bears be without bees?

Ears.

 

[Bob Crowley]

What do you call a bee that’s returned from the dead?

A zom-bee.

 

[JohnC101]

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

 

[Ceallaigh]

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity.

So I decided to return it.

The salesperson gave me another sweater free of charge.

 

[dwb001]

When is a joke a dad joke?

It becomes apparent.

 

[Ceallaigh]

My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl.

I said 'no, what was his score?'

 

[Ceallaigh]

If 666 is all evil.

Then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

 

[LW97Nils]

 

[JohnC101]

 

[JoeyVimsanteThePoet]

Here is a joke about a Mute Swan.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
...........

 

[JoeyVimsanteThePoet]

What is green, flies, and wobbles?
A jellycopter.

 

[JoeyVimsanteThePoet]

I like to talk to my boss at at 12.59.
I like one to one time with my boss.

 

[Bob Crowley]

A 75 year old man has been sick for years but since he hated physicians he stayed home, but finally he was feeling so bad, he drags himself to the doctor's office. The doc runs every test known to mankind and several days later calls the guy. He says "I'm going to give it to you straight, you only going to live .........I'd say about oh, ten." The guy says "ten? Ten what; days, weeks months?" The doc replies 9-8-7-6-5......"

That reminds me of the bloke who's a fanatic for playing golf. He loves it so much he wants to know if there are golf courses in heaven.

But nobody knows. Then he remembers he is Catholic, so he goes to Rome and seeks an audience with the Pope.

He asks his Holiness the question.

The Pope asks for a day to pray and then he'll give an answer.

The next day the bloke turns up at the Vatican and is ushered into the Pope's presence.

He asks the Pope what the Almighty told him - are there golf courses in heaven?

The Pope says "I've got some good news and some bad news".

The bloke says "What's the good news?"

The Pope replies "There are golf courses in heaven!"

The bloke asks "Then what's the bad news?"

The Pope says "You tee off tomorrow!"

 

[prodromos]

The bloke asks "Then what's the bad news?"

The Pope says "You tee off tomorrow!"

That's the bad news?