Do I have a Hardened heart or am I sociopath ?

[pantingdeer]

I do not care about many things at all and have wondered for many years why I am so less emotional than everyone else.

To be completely honest:
I never got upset when my grandparent died
I never got upset when my other grandparent faded with dementia
I never missed my sisters when they left home
I understand that sometimes people do nice things for me but I find it difficult to feel gratitude for it

However I cried when my guinea pig died which is strange compared to above.

When I think of these things I just wonder how mentally sick in the head does this make me? Why am I so heartless? I never asked or wanted to be this way - it’s just the way my brain seems to function.

It is for this reason that I am have found it so difficult to actually discover Jesus. I just don’t seem to care/empathise and so even though I understand Jesus dying on the cross was kind for us, it’s like my brain doesn’t care and doesn’t feel any thanks.

How can I care about people I can’t see when I can’t care about the family I can see?

I feel like I’m evil

 

[carp614]

No brother. You are not evil and this is not uncommon in my experience. I felt the same way growing up and still today when I depart from my family traveling for business I rarely shed tears. Even after I was saved I did not spontaneously develop the deep and abiding affection for people I feel today.

After all, it is one of life's great ironies that the people we love the most are the ones that tend to hurt us the most.

Paul helps us with a valuable insight into his own struggles in this regard in Romans 7:15 "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." If Paul struggled to do God's Will, then so too can I struggle.

The example of your guinea pig is an important one. The guinea pig never hurt you, never gave you a reason to fear it wouldn't reciprocate. This is an experience most pet owners can relate to. This inability to harm makes it easy to care for the animal just as the person's ability to harm makes it risky to care for them. You must learn to care for people regardless of the risk if you wish to reflect God's love out into the world.

I pray this is helpful to you in some way. God bless you brother.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

I do not care about many things at all and have wondered for many years why I am so less emotional than everyone else.

To be completely honest:
I never got upset when my grandparent died
I never got upset when my other grandparent faded with dementia
I never missed my sisters when they left home
I understand that sometimes people do nice things for me but I find it difficult to feel gratitude for it

However I cried when my guinea pig died which is strange compared to above.

When I think of these things I just wonder how mentally sick in the head does this make me? Why am I so heartless? I never asked or wanted to be this way - it’s just the way my brain seems to function.

It is for this reason that I am have found it so difficult to actually discover Jesus. I just don’t seem to care/empathise and so even though I understand Jesus dying on the cross was kind for us, it’s like my brain doesn’t care and doesn’t feel any thanks.

How can I care about people I can’t see when I can’t care about the family I can see?

I feel like I’m evil

Friendly news flash, Andrew: a sociopath wouldn't really 'feel' like he was evil. So, if you're feeling 'something,' however comparatively low level it might be to the average person, you still have something going for you in the 'conscience department.'

Have you had the opportunity to see both a physician and a psychologist so they can perhaps do blood work and see what your physical chemical makeup might be? It could be something as simple as a slight hormonal imbalance that makes you feel emotionally 'numb.' I doubt that you're a lost cause, Andrew. It could just be that your brain chemistry is wired a little differently so it takes more to move you and motivate you, but that doesn't by necessity mean you're a sociopath. Maybe go get some medical check-ups and tell the doctors how you're feeling.

 

[BryanJohnMaloney]

It is for this reason that I am have found it so difficult to actually discover Jesus. I just don’t seem to care/empathise and so even though I understand Jesus dying on the cross was kind for us, it’s like my brain doesn’t care and doesn’t feel any thanks.

The whole "Jesus died for YOU!" thing always struck me as a particularly slimy guilt trip, nothing better.

 

[pantingdeer]

Friendly news flash, Andrew: a sociopath wouldn't really 'feel' like he was evil. So, if you're feeling 'something,' however comparatively low level it might be to the average person, you still have something going for you in the 'conscience department.'

Have you had the opportunity to see both a physician and a psychologist so they can perhaps do blood work and see what your physical chemical makeup might be? It could be something as simple as a slight hormonal imbalance that makes you feel emotionally 'numb.' I doubt that you're a lost cause, Andrew. It could just be that your brain chemistry is wired a little differently so it takes more to move you and motivate you, but that doesn't by necessity mean you're a sociopath. Maybe go get some medical check-ups and tell the doctors how you're feeling.

Thank for your response but my parents don’t really believe in mental illnesses. They believe depression is just people that are not saved and they think physiatrists is demonic as trying to influence you mind.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

.......

 

[Aldebaran]

I do not care about many things at all and have wondered for many years why I am so less emotional than everyone else.

To be completely honest:
I never got upset when my grandparent died
I never got upset when my other grandparent faded with dementia
I never missed my sisters when they left home
I understand that sometimes people do nice things for me but I find it difficult to feel gratitude for it

However I cried when my guinea pig died which is strange compared to above.

When I think of these things I just wonder how mentally sick in the head does this make me? Why am I so heartless? I never asked or wanted to be this way - it’s just the way my brain seems to function.

It is for this reason that I am have found it so difficult to actually discover Jesus. I just don’t seem to care/empathise and so even though I understand Jesus dying on the cross was kind for us, it’s like my brain doesn’t care and doesn’t feel any thanks.

How can I care about people I can’t see when I can’t care about the family I can see?

I feel like I’m evil

Were you particularly close to your grandparent who died? Did you have a close relationship with your sisters? If not, it would explain why you might not have had as much of an emotional reaction to them dying/leaving as when your guinea pig died. Perhaps you weren't very close with your sisters and it was a relief when they left home. I didn't get along with my paternal grandmother, so it was no big deal to me that she died. Same with my mother who I hadn't gotten along with and hadn't seen for 24 years (after not seeing her for 13 years before that) when she died. Our closeness to people determine the affect they have on us when we lose them.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

Thank for your response but my parents don’t really believe in mental illnesses. They believe depression is just people that are not saved and they think physiatrists is demonic as trying to influence you mind.

Well, you're nearly an adult I imagine, so do yourself a favor and as soon as you get to a place where you're enabled to make your own decisions, go see a doctor or two, my friend. I'm a Christian, and while I don't want to countermand your parents, they're not quite right in this regard. The truth is, the brain that God has given to each one of us is susceptible to various biological and environmental influences, so it can't hurt to get a doctor's opinion and some professional counseling, if not now, then some time in the near future in the next year or two, at least.

 

[pantingdeer]

The whole "Jesus died for YOU!" thing always struck me as a particularly slimy guilt trip, nothing better.

I disagree

 

[BryanJohnMaloney]

I disagree

It's how it has always been presented to me.

 

[Sabertooth]

I disagree

Asking if you are a sociopath and posting this thread under Personality Disorders means that you must have, at least, considered the possibility of a mental illness (and medical assistance).

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

.......

 

[HadassahJoy]

I often get angry and hated being that way. I also think things that people whom loves me dearly has hurt me in the past and now i have forgivin them and we have goten along but often time i just get this memory pop in my head about them its like it want me to be harden and get angry about it. what we need to remember is that we are Humans. and we often get tempted. its hard to stay focus on the now. also I was more sad when my Grandpa passed away then my Grandma. because i was closer to my Grandpa. I think it has to do with how close you are with someone. Pray for you.

 

[pantingdeer]

Not what was replied to.
He disagreed with the off post re the word slimy, et al....

I don’t understand your message or the person you respond at.

 

[pantingdeer]

I often get angry and hated being that way. I also think things that people whom loves me dearly has hurt me in the past and now i have forgivin them and we have goten along but often time i just get this memory pop in my head about them its like it want me to be harden and get angry about it. what we need to remember is that we are Humans. and we often get tempted. its hard to stay focus on the now. also I was more sad when my Grandpa passed away then my Grandma. because i was closer to my Grandpa. I think it has to do with how close you are with someone. Pray for you.

I don’t think I love anyone

 

[DennisTate]

I do not care about many things at all and have wondered for many years why I am so less emotional than everyone else.

To be completely honest:
I never got upset when my grandparent died
I never got upset when my other grandparent faded with dementia
I never missed my sisters when they left home
I understand that sometimes people do nice things for me but I find it difficult to feel gratitude for it

However I cried when my guinea pig died which is strange compared to above.

When I think of these things I just wonder how mentally sick in the head does this make me? Why am I so heartless? I never asked or wanted to be this way - it’s just the way my brain seems to function.

It is for this reason that I am have found it so difficult to actually discover Jesus. I just don’t seem to care/empathise and so even though I understand Jesus dying on the cross was kind for us, it’s like my brain doesn’t care and doesn’t feel any thanks.

How can I care about people I can’t see when I can’t care about the family I can see?

I feel like I’m evil

Strangely enough this depth of awareness of your own problems could well propel you into an extremely close and powerful relationship with Messiah.

Author Rick Joyner reports being shown more and more and more of the errors in his own thinking beginning at the 2:20:00 mark in this video.

Pray and ask to be given a heart of flesh as was promised:

Ezekiel 11
Eze 11:19

And I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within you; and I will take the stony heart out of their flesh, and will give them an heart of flesh:

I have found that these last two years I am becoming more and more aware of how serious my own sins are. My pride... my spiritual lethargy... my self righteousness......... it has been a great couple of years but kind of rough as I saw my sins more clearly. I reacted by going to a much deeper level of prayer.

 

[Asphose]

I do not care about many things at all and have wondered for many years why I am so less emotional than everyone else.

To be completely honest:
I never got upset when my grandparent died
I never got upset when my other grandparent faded with dementia
I never missed my sisters when they left home
I understand that sometimes people do nice things for me but I find it difficult to feel gratitude for it

However I cried when my guinea pig died which is strange compared to above.

When I think of these things I just wonder how mentally sick in the head does this make me? Why am I so heartless? I never asked or wanted to be this way - it’s just the way my brain seems to function.

It is for this reason that I am have found it so difficult to actually discover Jesus. I just don’t seem to care/empathise and so even though I understand Jesus dying on the cross was kind for us, it’s like my brain doesn’t care and doesn’t feel any thanks.

How can I care about people I can’t see when I can’t care about the family I can see?

I feel like I’m evil

The issue is that you don't have a close enough connection to these people or things. You said you cried when your guinea pig died but not when your grandparents died, I'm sure it's because you had a stronger bond with your pet than your grandparents.

When my Grandad died my mum was crying, but I didn't shed a tear. Mainly due to the fact I never knew him very well nor did a spend a lot of time with him. I used to go on youtube and find videos that say "100% sure you will cry after watching this video" and never ended up crying thinking there was something wrong with me. Everyone is different, some people cry easily and are more compassionate but others not so much. Like I said it depends on the connection you have with theses people/things and also how you were raised.

As for with Jesus, I used to think the same. But you'll always think that if you don't fully understand the gospel and don't study his word a lot. The more time I fellowshipped with God and studied his word, the more I cared about what he did for me and for lost souls.

 

[pantingdeer]

Strangely enough this depth of awareness of your own problems could well propel you into an extremely close and powerful relationship with Messiah.

Author Rick Joyner reports being shown more and more and more of the errors in his own thinking beginning at the 2:20:00 mark in this video.

Pray and ask to be given a heart of flesh as was promised:

Ezekiel 11
Eze 11:19

And I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within you; and I will take the stony heart out of their flesh, and will give them an heart of flesh:

I have found that these last two years I am becoming more and more aware of how serious my own sins are. My pride... my spiritual lethargy... my self righteousness......... it has been a great couple of years but kind of rough as I saw my sins more clearly. I reacted by going to a much deeper level of prayer.

Thanks that is encouraging

 

[Ricky M]

Yours is an emotional issue, not a mental one.

I didn't cry when my mom or dad died. Love - what is that? Everything I ever thought was love turned out to be phony. My wife thinks I enjoy pain. To be honest, I'm just numb. It takes that level of stimulation for me to feel anything. As to what it takes to make a human being that numb ... that's a whole other diatribe.

There's nothing wrong with your mental state. Emotionally you've been crippled. Short of dying and going to heaven, I don't know how to fix that.

But I have come up with an answer that stops people in their tracks when they comment on it. I just tell them, "if you don't like my crappy attitude, try feeding me less crap and let's see what happens".

Seems to be one of the few things that stops the assault.

 

[Ada Lovelace]

I do not care about many things at all and have wondered for many years why I am so less emotional than everyone else.

To be completely honest:
I never got upset when my grandparent died
I never got upset when my other grandparent faded with dementia
I never missed my sisters when they left home
I understand that sometimes people do nice things for me but I find it difficult to feel gratitude for it

However I cried when my guinea pig died which is strange compared to above.

When I think of these things I just wonder how mentally sick in the head does this make me? Why am I so heartless? I never asked or wanted to be this way - it’s just the way my brain seems to function.

It is for this reason that I am have found it so difficult to actually discover Jesus. I just don’t seem to care/empathise and so even though I understand Jesus dying on the cross was kind for us, it’s like my brain doesn’t care and doesn’t feel any thanks.

How can I care about people I can’t see when I can’t care about the family I can see?

I feel like I’m evil

You care about people enough to chronically be concerned that you could be offending or wronging them, and worry about their perceptions of you. You agonize over wanting to refuse a classmate's request to you share your notes with her. This is not what someone who is a sociopath incapable of concern for others would do. You've expressed worry about being in a romantic relationship because you fear you'd make her unhappy. That is the opposite of what someone with calloused would ever feel. You have shown your heart on here enough that I feel absolutely confident in telling you that it is not hardened. What you are lacking in is softness towards yourself.

How old were you when the grandparent died? Was this before or after the onset of the OCD and depressive symptoms you've described experiencing in your other threads? If it was before, you were young enough that it wasn't an abnormal coping mechanism, especially for a boy since unfortunately in some environments males are discouraged from crying and unfairly burdened with the idea that they need to be stoic in grief. If it was more current, it's also not abnormal or immoral:

Apathy Associated With Depressive Symptoms in Patients With Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

It can be as necessary to seek proper treatment for mental health issues as it is the physical. I do not think you have a flawed character or a hardened heart, I think you have disorders that are not your fault and do not make you a bad person in any way, just someone needing treatment for them.