Divorce is not the unforgivable sin

[fbow]

I have been wrestling with my terrible marriage, I feel for our discussion the details of our situation are not that important. There is no infidelity as far as I can tell, so divorce isn't "allowed." I frequently have thoughts of killing myself rather than live in this hell of a marriage. The only reasons I haven't killed myself is because of how much it would crush my parents and for our baby.

Some notes: I am emotionally abused like no other in this marriage, we're already going through marriage counseling with a Christian therapist but my wife thinks she's doing me a huge favor since she thinks I'm the one with all the problems and doesn't hesitate to let the therapist know. Therapy will sometimes end up with us yelling at each other, sometimes it calms things down for a few days or a week and I'm not sure is a long term solution.

If I wasn't a Christian, I would have gotten divorced within the first few months, I've kept trying over and over because I felt that God wanted me to keep trying and that He is working in me through the marriage but I really can't take it anymore.

So the big question I am wrestling is whether I can get a divorce, then ask for God's forgiveness afterwards. My pastor thinks my wife has some mental condition and he didn't give a clear answer as to whether I can get a divorce but suggested to try to get her a psychiatric evaluation. Fat chance that will happen though as one of her issues is she can't admit any fault.

sigh...

 

[NerdGirl]

I feel this on a deep level. I'm in much the same situation, that I am unhappy, depressed, hopeless, frustrated, hurt, lonely... but there's been no infidelity that I know of, he's not beating me or anything. So I struggle with feeling like I'm the worst person on earth for having thoughts of "I can't take this anymore, this marriage was a mistake, I've got to get out of this". I thought the exact same thing: If divorce is really this great, eternal, condemning sin, then I'll just have to beg for God's forgiveness, because I literally can't take it anymore.

My heart hurts for you, especially because you mention having a baby I'm fortunate enough that my son is almost grown, and he's almost as unhappy as I am (my husband is not his father). Separating and divorcing from a woman with whom you have a young child is a whole other mountain to climb.

I can't say you should or shouldn't leave. Counseling doesn't seem to be helping, by your description. Perhaps it's time to try a trial separation to see if that can give you some space and a chance to think more clearly on what to do.

Keep praying and stay close to Jesus. He's still with you, even in the midst of this awful situation. Hang in there. Be prepared for responses that vary from "how about trying harder? what are you doing wrong? why is your wife so angry?" to "divorce is not an unforgivable sin and sometimes it's necessary, God will still love you and be with you if it happens". I think it's easy sometimes for people to cling to the "I would never get divorced, therefore no one else has a valid reason to" mindset, when they haven't faced the bleak hopelessness and depression of feeling trapped in a miserable life because it's been drilled into you that reclaiming your own well being is the worst thing ever and it's better to be suicidally miserable as long as you keep that ring on.

 

[fbow]

NerdGirl123, thank you for your kind words. And I am praying for your situation as well.

This morning I was actually looking at Airbnbs to look at my options for a short term stay. I am scared of going that route as I can't predict what I'll set off in motion.
[I wrote the above this morning before I got distracted]

I think I just blew it now though, we were having yet another fight and in my anger I told her I can't live with her anymore. I do have a friend offering his place for me to stay in. I think I'm going to move out for a bit. But my fear is now my wife will start preparing to screw me over big time in divorce.

 

[NerdGirl]

NerdGirl123, thank you for your kind words. And I am praying for your situation as well.

This morning I was actually looking at Airbnbs to look at my options for a short term stay. I am scared of going that route as I can't predict what I'll set off in motion.
[I wrote the above this morning before I got distracted]

I think I just blew it now though, we were having yet another fight and in my anger I told her I can't live with her anymore. I do have a friend offering his place for me to stay in. I think I'm going to move out for a bit. But my fear is now my wife will start preparing to screw me over big time in divorce.

You're welcome! It's so important for Christians to love and support and encourage each other in these things, not tear each down or snub each other out of some perceived moral superiority. People like us are already going through broken hearts and doubts and sufferings.

I completely understand. I was terrified to say anything to my husband. I avoided it for several weeks, and it was weighing on me every moment of every day, because I knew it wasn't something that would just go away. I couldn't sleep, I was so tense and anxious and sad that I had trouble eating or concentrating on anything. I was afraid of how he'd react and behave, especially since I had nowhere to go or a way to get out of the house if things went badly. I did finally speak up, but that's another story.

I know this is a frightening thing to be thinking about. I would like to reassure you with this: separating and taking some space and time for yourself is NOT something to beat yourself up over. It's a wise thing to do. It's impossible for us to hear our own minds and hearts when we're in the midst of tumult and upheaval in our own homes. Stay close to Jesus, pray without ceasing, this is a good chance to return to Him if you've strayed at all, and cling to Him like never before. Then let Him lead the way, whether it's back to your wife or to something new.

This may be a good time to contact a lawyer of your own. And if you can find a good Christian friend or counselor/pastor to confide in, by all means, do that as well.

 

[anewday]

I am so sorry you are going through this fbow and want to let you know you are not alone, although I'm sure it feels like you are. I have been emotionally, verbally, and mentally abused during my 5 year marriage. When we went to counseling a few years ago, our counselor casually mentioned to me, while my husband was out of the room, that he may have borderline personality disorder. I read up on it and was basically told by readings and others that you either learn to find ways to cope or get out.

I also wanted out soon after we married, but had no proof of infidelity so stuck it out. At the end of last year, I found a bunch of emails to and from my husband about meeting with others. Some of these emails go all the way back to when we first got married. He said they never met up, but how do I know that?

I filed for divorce earlier this year. Ever since I separated myself from him, I feel a peace I haven't felt in a long time. We still live together due to finances, but I'm planning on leaving when our lease is up at the end of the year.

Please don't hurt yourself. God loves you and still has a plan for you, although you don't see it now. I'm glad you are looking at moving out. I'm sure you will the clarity you need on your marriage when you are able to put some space between yourself and your wife.

 

[SirHash]

fbow can you and your marital counselor get your wife to try individual therapy? It really does seem like she might have a personality disorder herself. Regardless of the fate of your marriage, as her husband, no one is better suited to help her deal with this.

 

[fbow]

Thank you all for your responses. From the suggestion of several people who've heard the things she does, and reading about it myself, I think she has narcissistic personality disorder. At our most recent therapy session together, she gaslighted (gaslit?) me about 3 times (by denying different stuff she said this past weekend).

I was not able to leave home for various reasons.

I do have 2 good friends I've been talking to for the last few days, who help a lot with just venting my frustration, despair etc. and helping to think things through so that's such a blessing.

As I've been praying, I believe I heard a very small voice in my heart tell me that I should stay and be strong and be a man and lead her through this. As much as it pains me to hear this as I believe it is from God, then I must obey. My friend said loving her doesn't mean letting her walk all over me so I need to learn how to have boundaries in the marriage.

 

[NerdGirl]

Thank you all for your responses. From the suggestion of several people who've heard the things she does, and reading about it myself, I think she has narcissistic personality disorder. At our most recent therapy session together, she gaslighted (gaslit?) me about 3 times (by denying different stuff she said this past weekend).

I was not able to leave home because she does not want to take care of the baby and the house by herself, which I guess is a fair point. But I minimized the talking I did with her to the bare minimum over the past few days.

I do have 2 good friends I've been talking to for the last few days, who help a lot with just venting my frustration, despair etc. and helping to think things through so that's such a blessing.

As I've been praying, I believe I heard a very small voice in my heart tell me that I should stay and be strong and be a man and lead her through this. As much as it pains me to hear this as I believe it is from God, then I must obey. My friend said loving her doesn't mean letting her walk all over me so I need to learn how to have boundaries in the marriage.

Please try to seek out good, godly counseling. I really hope things get better for you and your family.

 

[mama2one]

.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

My view is there is no unforgivable sin aside from not accepting Jesus in ones heart. As for divorce, I do believe its a sin though.

As for what to do, if she does have mental issues then there's not much you can do to force her to get help. Continue counseling. If all else fail move out for now. Let her have some time to think. Granted if she has issues then she may not be able to think it through clearly.

You can stay strong and stay married. But if she chooses to eventually do otherwise, you are kind of stuck then. Or you could just refuse to divorce her. Though I'm sure there is some legal way for her to do it even without your consent.

Obviously though I do not condone divorce. I'd rather pass away then divorce.

 

[thecolorsblend]

I have been wrestling with my terrible marriage, I feel for our discussion the details of our situation are not that important. There is no infidelity as far as I can tell, so divorce isn't "allowed." I frequently have thoughts of killing myself rather than live in this hell of a marriage. The only reasons I haven't killed myself is because of how much it would crush my parents and for our baby.

Some notes: I am emotionally abused like no other in this marriage, we're already going through marriage counseling with a Christian therapist but my wife thinks she's doing me a huge favor since she thinks I'm the one with all the problems and doesn't hesitate to let the therapist know. Therapy will sometimes end up with us yelling at each other, sometimes it calms things down for a few days or a week and I'm not sure is a long term solution.

If I wasn't a Christian, I would have gotten divorced within the first few months, I've kept trying over and over because I felt that God wanted me to keep trying and that He is working in me through the marriage but I really can't take it anymore.

So the big question I am wrestling is whether I can get a divorce, then ask for God's forgiveness afterwards. My pastor thinks my wife has some mental condition and he didn't give a clear answer as to whether I can get a divorce but suggested to try to get her a psychiatric evaluation. Fat chance that will happen though as one of her issues is she can't admit any fault.

sigh...

You married her. There's a reason for that. Remember that reason.

Now, I will say that I'm a bit skeptical about most counseling. As far as I'm concerned, therapists are guilty until proven innocent. I've seen far too many cases where therapists see it as their job to assist a crazy wife in hen-pecking her husband. If you believe the therapist is being fair with you then I withdraw this remark. But be honest (meaning, don't just take your own side because that's easier), is the therapist helping the two of you or is he helping her drive you up the wall?

As I say, you married this woman for a reason. Remember what that reason is. If she's going with you to therapy, she's obviously willing to continue on with you on some level or another. So you throwing in the towel isn't the right move.

The saying goes "It's cheaper to keep her". Getting cleaned out in a divorce court biased against you because you're a man won't magically improve your state of mind. All it'll do is wreck your credit, empty your bank account, deprive your child of a two-parent household and otherwise make you the bad guy.

Lockdown, I know. But is it possible for you and the wife to go on a date? Perhaps a picnic or something? Skip the drama, don't start a fight with her, don't let her start a fight with you, just enjoy each other's company for an afternoon.

If that's not possible, send the kid to the in-law's house and have a date at home. Tell some jokes, be witty and charming, be somebody that a clinically sane woman who is married to you would be attracted to. Avoid heavy subjects, avoid putdowns, avoid politics. Tell her you love the way the candles make her eyes sparkle or some such junk that women go for.

You married this woman, bro. Why'd you do it? Remember that reason and start building some bridges.

 

[fbow]

My view is there is no unforgivable sin aside from not accepting Jesus in ones heart. As for divorce, I do believe its a sin though.
...

Obviously though I do not condone divorce. I'd rather pass away then divorce.

I believe both divorce and suicide are sins, but agree that they're not the unforgivable sin.

 

[fbow]

You married her. There's a reason for that. Remember that reason.

Now, I will say that I'm a bit skeptical about most counseling. As far as I'm concerned, therapists are guilty until proven innocent. I've seen far too many cases where therapists see it as their job to assist a crazy wife in hen-pecking her husband. If you believe the therapist is being fair with you then I withdraw this remark. But be honest (meaning, don't just take your own side because that's easier), is the therapist helping the two of you or is he helping her drive you up the wall?

As I say, you married this woman for a reason. Remember what that reason is. If she's going with you to therapy, she's obviously willing to continue on with you on some level or another. So you throwing in the towel isn't the right move.

The saying goes "It's cheaper to keep her". Getting cleaned out in a divorce court biased against you because you're a man won't magically improve your state of mind. All it'll do is wreck your credit, empty your bank account, deprive your child of a two-parent household and otherwise make you the bad guy.

Lockdown, I know. But is it possible for you and the wife to go on a date? Perhaps a picnic or something? Skip the drama, don't start a fight with her, don't let her start a fight with you, just enjoy each other's company for an afternoon.

If that's not possible, send the kid to the in-law's house and have a date at home. Tell some jokes, be witty and charming, be somebody that a clinically sane woman who is married to you would be attracted to. Avoid heavy subjects, avoid putdowns, avoid politics. Tell her you love the way the candles make her eyes sparkle or some such junk that women go for.

You married this woman, bro. Why'd you do it? Remember that reason and start building some bridges.

Good points, yes I realize divorce will clean me out financially. Our therapist is pretty fair.

The reason I married her was because I wanted a family and I was so sick and tired of dating and I thought she clicked all the checkmarks on my list of things I wanted in a wife. But later I would find out, I was actually terribly wrong in my assessment on key items. (not an uncommon problem in marriage of course).

Good suggestion on having date night.

I think though in order for me to be sane long term, I need to keep some distance and boundaries.

 

[NerdGirl]

'Remembering' why you married someone may be helpful if you got married under good, honest, Godly circumstances, with no secrets, hidden agendas, or concealed problems. However, if you married someone under the wrong circumstances, and you genuinely did not know the person you were marrying, I don't think this is always valid or helpful advice. I can remember why I married my husband. I thought he was someone that he isn't. He presented himself as a different person, and the true 'him' only came out in the years following. I was also pressured into it. Yes, I was in love with him and I thought absolutely that he was the right one, and it was God's will, etc, etc, etc. None of that, however, changes the reality that he was not the man I thought he was going to be.

Just throwing that out there.

 

[fbow]

Nerdgirl123, how are you doing these days? My marriage is going pretty well as we haven't had any real disagreements for the last couple of weeks or so. Although there is an issue brewing that I can see coming.

I don't believe my wife intentionally hid anything or tried to misrepresent herself aside from the normal 'be on your best behavior during dating' thing people do. I think we all have our own issues/problems and I don't think it's possible for everything to come out until you live together. And even if you live together, not everything comes out anyway. But I do see your point, if I knew my wife may have a personality disorder before marriage, I may or may not have still decided to marry her anyway but I would have known what to expect and how to deal with it. Of course there are limits to this way of thinking, if someone turns out to be a mass murderer, then it's a different story, to use a hyperbolic example. I don't think my wife intends to cause me undue grief and hardship, it's just how she has been wired through life and I feel God wants me to help her through, no matter how hard it is for me...

My therapist, not the couples one, gave me some good ways to think about my role in marriage as the husband, 1 of which is to model Jesus in that I should work to help my wife feel safe, cherished and loved, then I can try to help her, lead her etc.

 

[NerdGirl]

Nerdgirl123, how are you doing these days? My marriage is going pretty well as we haven't had any real disagreements for the last couple of weeks or so. Although there is an issue brewing with the baby I can see coming.

I don't believe my wife intentionally hid anything or tried to misrepresent herself aside from the normal 'be on your best behavior during dating' thing people do. I think we all have our own issues/problems and I don't think it's possible for everything to come out until you live together. And even if you live together, not everything comes out anyway. But I do see your point, if I knew my wife may have a personality disorder before marriage, I may or may not have still decided to marry her anyway but I would have known what to expect and how to deal with it. Of course there are limits to this way of thinking, if someone turns out to be a mass murderer, then it's a different story, to use a hyperbolic example. I don't think my wife intends to cause me undue grief and hardship, it's just how she has been wired through life and I feel God wants me to help her through, no matter how hard it is for me...

My therapist, not the couples one, gave me some good ways to think about my role in marriage as the husband, 1 of which is to model Jesus in that I should work to help my wife feel safe, cherished and loved, then I can try to help her, lead her etc.

I'm taking life one day at a time. My tentative plan is to find an apartment and take some time away to pray and consider what I should do. I don't think this marriage is what God wanted for me. It's been a struggle since the start, and I ignored a lot of red flags and warning signs before getting married. I've detailed a lot of that in another thread, so I won't repeat it all here. I gave it all I had and did the best I could, but with every day, week, month, year that passes, my husband becomes less and less of the man I thought I married, and I grow more and more depressed and miserable. There has to be a breaking point somewhere. This isn't "living", this is existing, and it's a very stressful, unhealthy existence for me.

Your wife is lucky that you love her so much and are willing to try so hard for her

 

[1watchman]

I have been wrestling with my terrible marriage, I feel for our discussion the details of our situation are not that important. There is no infidelity as far as I can tell, so divorce isn't "allowed." I frequently have thoughts of killing myself rather than live in this hell of a marriage. The only reasons I haven't killed myself is because of how much it would crush my parents and for our baby.

Some notes: I am emotionally abused like no other in this marriage, we're already going through marriage counseling with a Christian therapist but my wife thinks she's doing me a huge favor since she thinks I'm the one with all the problems and doesn't hesitate to let the therapist know. Therapy will sometimes end up with us yelling at each other, sometimes it calms things down for a few days or a week and I'm not sure is a long term solution.

If I wasn't a Christian, I would have gotten divorced within the first few months, I've kept trying over and over because I felt that God wanted me to keep trying and that He is working in me through the marriage but I really can't take it anymore.

So the big question I am wrestling is whether I can get a divorce, then ask for God's forgiveness afterwards. My pastor thinks my wife has some mental condition and he didn't give a clear answer as to whether I can get a divorce but suggested to try to get her a psychiatric evaluation. Fat chance that will happen though as one of her issues is she can't admit any fault.

sigh...

Sometimes in such cases, the temporary solution is a separation, after all counsel together with a real "born again" qualified Christian therapist, shows no effort for change on both sides. Two people who cannot agree to living peaceably in the same house might well separate for a year to see if there is hope of reconciliation. This might go on indefinitely if a good relationship is not remedied to co-exist without animosity. I have known of a nice couple who did this for years, and visited some until both finally died. The Bible does not give divorce as a solution, unless there is fornication, adultery, etc., but only speaks of marriage and divorce generally. God well understands when one truly wants to obey and honor Him, so the separation as a temporary thing may be allowed. A divorce and re-marriage to another is condemned ---for only "...till death do us part", is acceptable as the vow often says. Keep in prayer with God over it all and He will be pleased and guide you.

 

[fbow]

Sometimes in such cases, the temporary solution is a separation, after all counsel together with a real "born again" qualified Christian therapist, shows no effort for change on both sides. Two people who cannot agree to living peaceably in the same house might well separate for a year to see if there is hope of reconciliation. This might go on indefinitely if a good relationship is not remedied to co-exist without animosity. I have known of a nice couple who did this for years, and visited some until both finally died. The Bible does not give divorce as a solution, unless there is fornication, adultery, etc., but only speaks of marriage and divorce generally. God well understands when one truly wants to obey and honor Him, so the separation as a temporary thing may be allowed. A divorce and re-marriage to another is condemned ---for only "...till death do us part", is acceptable as the vow often says. Keep in prayer with God over it all and He will be pleased and guide you.

Thanks for the post. Yes, I agree separation may well be the better alternative vs divorce. But somehow reading of your friends who died separated makes me sad for them. They could have been happy separated of course but it seems sad to die without resolving the most important human relationship one can have..

---

Would God want me to just put up with the way she is as my daily cross or seek to help her as a husband. I think the answer is be with her while protecting myself and allow God to use me to help her if He sees fit and accept she may very well never change.

 

[fbow]

I'm taking life one day at a time. My tentative plan is to find an apartment and take some time away to pray and consider what I should do. I don't think this marriage is what God wanted for me. It's been a struggle since the start, and I ignored a lot of red flags and warning signs before getting married. I've detailed a lot of that in another thread, so I won't repeat it all here. I gave it all I had and did the best I could, but with every day, week, month, year that passes, my husband becomes less and less of the man I thought I married, and I grow more and more depressed and miserable. There has to be a breaking point somewhere. This isn't "living", this is existing, and it's a very stressful, unhealthy existence for me.

Your wife is lucky that you love her so much and are willing to try so hard for her

I can see her trying as well when things are going well.

I pray you're able to find peace and a time to spend with God for more clarity.

 

[1watchman]

Sometimes in such cases, the temporary solution is a separation, after all counsel together with a real "born again" qualified Christian therapist, shows no effort for change on both sides. Two people who cannot agree to living peaceably in the same house might well separate for a year to see if there is hope of reconciliation. This might go on indefinitely if a good relationship is not remedied to co-exist without animosity. I have known of a nice couple who did this for years, and visited some until both finally died. The Bible does not give divorce as a solution, unless there is fornication, adultery, etc., but only speaks of marriage and divorce generally. God well understands when one truly wants to obey and honor Him, so the separation as a temporary thing may be allowed. A divorce and re-marriage to another is condemned ---for only "...till death do us part", is acceptable as the vow often says. Keep in prayer with God over it all and He will be pleased and guide you.

One might consider two alternatives as in Prov.21:19 and Eph. 5:21-33. Keep in mind too that reconciliation after a time of separation is always an option.
Much prayer is needed, as you no doubt realize, and I will pray for you too. Look up always!