An Exercise in Stress Relief: Why I Enjoy the Music of Breaking Benjamin

[Ohj1n37]

As Written by: A young adult diagnosed with Autism, Bipolar disorder, and ADHD

I wrote this because I am searching for solution. I distract myself from my inability to do something with life by playing video games. I look normal, I appear to act normal, I am at least average intelligence, but due to a lack of words to describe my situation, I will say that I have a type of retardation that people including myself can't seem to understand.

By retardation I mean I am socially an idiot or if you would like, have the social age of perhaps a young child, but the intellect and appearance of a young man. I do not understand people or their emotions including my own.

Sadly my life revolves around me becoming obsessed with something and then coming to the realization that I have made no progress and everyone around me is surpassing me in every way.

I have chosen to place this post in this forum as I am not looking for help from others. I wanted to share something that I enjoy. I have listened to the band Breaking Benjamin since I have been a young child and I have relearned as to why I enjoy their music so much. The music expresses what I am unable to express. It's kind of like how I didn't understand until a few years ago perfume commercials aren't just weird, but are trying to express how a scent smells.

The song that will be analyzed,

I can feel the animal within

The animal is my suffering. The frustration of being alone and my inability to not constantly compare myself to others. The feeling that I have wasted my life. The regret of my outbursts when I can not contain the pain.

I chain the beast crawling inside myself

I try to keep the pain inside my head. I don’t want to ruin my chances for a life one day with a wife and children.

I hear the call of violence

But when I have nothing to distract me from my failures, when I become overwhelmed by a situation, when those I think highly of show their disdain for me, I fall apart.

I sleep no more and I can't

Then the cycle that I can’t seem to escape begins again. I can’t find rest.

I've lost it all

I lose it and start shouting at those I love the most. The one thing I have, my family, I push away.

Carry me through this world of lies

I cry out to God. Kill me now Lord, I am suffering, and even worse I ruin the lives of those around me.

I feel no more, the suffering

I begin to lose the feeling of remorse, the feeling of regret, I enjoy the suffering. I embrace the hate and pain.

Bury me in this cold light

Take me away from this God. I hate myself. I am becoming what I hate. I am becoming evil. I am becoming an animal.

I feed the wolf, and shed my skin

Not knowing what to do. I fall deeper into a downward spiral. I yell and scream in pain not knowing how to express the animal, the suffering.

I can see the devil closing in

All the while in the confusion, the devil enjoys watching me ruin my life and the life of others.

I choke the breath that dies to cry for help

I want help, I need help, but something inside me says I am not worth it. I am to live through this life in pain.

I feel the pull of gravity

My fears surround me. I am becoming what I hate, a lunatic, a man who will never know the love of another human being. A man who pushes those who love him away.

I bleed no more, and rise again

The pain subsides after a few days. Life begins to go back to what would be my normal.

I've lost it all

But then after months or perhaps a year it begins again. Something overwhelms me. The hate for myself increases. I have made no progress. I am stuck and will never escape.

Carry me through this world of lies

God I can’t escape from this cycle. Take me now, so I don’t ruin the lives of those around me further. I hate myself because of what I do, because of this cycle I can’t escape.

I feel no more, the suffering

Once more I enjoy hate, the rage, the cursing, the screaming. The suffering is released and it feels good, til the regret sets in.

Bury me in this cold light

I hate this Lord, why do I do this, why can’t be satisfied in knowing that you love me? Why do I compare myself to others? Why won’t you take me now, so this suffering will end?

I feed the wolf, and shed my skin

I lose control of myself and release all my pain. I scream, I yell, but still no one understands. I have become more like an animal than a human. No listens, I ruin their lives as well as mine.

(It's no longer human, it's a beast, a merciful, ferocious, fearless

Through the release of inner pain and hardship, not knowing how to express myself I become less than a human.

You're a madman

I am what I don’t want to be, a crazed man, that will drive me to be more alone than ever before.

Tampering with nature

I am ruining any plan God has for my life.

Every man's vicious and raw)

I don’t stand up for the weak, I tear down the ones I love. I am becoming the exact thing I do not want to be.

Carry me through this world of lies

Save me God take away my pain.

I feel no more, the suffering

I don’t want to feel this anymore, this pain, this self-centeredness, this suffering.

Bury me in this cold light

Let me have peace in your presence, let me know your love.

I feed the wolf, and shed my skin

The suffering returns to claim me once again.

Carry me through this world of lies (fight the animal)

Protect me Lord because I can’t do this on my own. With your help I will fight the suffering.

I feel no more, the suffering (fight the animal)

The rage of being misunderstood, the pain of feeling worthless, the frustration of not being in control tries to take me. With your help I will fight the suffering.

Bury me in this cold light (fight the animal)

Jesus only you can save and give me true peace. God you are the light that will fight the suffering because I can’t do it on my own.

I feed the wolf, and shed my skin

I only give into the suffering and make it worse. Save me God set me free from my suffering.

 

[Ohj1n37]

Something odd, last night in a dream where I was doing something completely different I encountered two large black wolves. I said, oh look two black dogs. I was trying to find my family to get onto a school bus within a large crowd. As I turned the corner there were several more large black wolves. They then became violent. They ran at me and started ripping me to shreds and then I woke up.

 

[Ohj1n37]

I have been listening to this song if anyone is interested.

 

[Ohj1n37]

I wanted to give an update and a thank you to anyone who prayed for me. I had another outburst this past Sunday when I got back from church. I had stepped on a person's toe by accident. When I got home I felt so guilty I couldn't control my feelings.

After I had calmed down some, unlike practically every other time I have had an episode like this, I had the clarity to google what I was feeling. I found this,

Emotional dysregulation - Wikipedia

It pretty much describes me word for word. I showed my parents and they both agreed this seems to be what I am experiencing. I am already on medication that is used to treat it, but there is also therapy that is designed to help deal with the problem.

Knowing what is actually causing the outbursts and that there is more help that I can get concerning it has given me great hope. I accredit the clarity to be able to articulate what I was feeling in the most recent outburst to prayer. I have never been able to do that before and now because of that it seems I may have found a tool, the therapy, that will allow me to have methods to get over this problem that has been plaguing my life since childhood once in for all.

Thank you again to anyone who prayed for me. Perhaps after however long I need to have therapy with the appropriate methods given by a therapist I work well with I can begin to make progress and get over this obstacle once and for all.