My Eighteen Year Old Daughter Is Being Encouraged By Her Mom To Drop Out And Get A GED

[Boidae]

My daughter went back to her mom in Upstate NY because she felt I was too controlling. I may have been a little strict, but she also came from a household (her mother’s) where there were no rules at all. She was free to do as she wished.

That resulted in her failing high school two years in a row for ninth and tenth grades. She had issues with boys up there as well that resulted in cops and a court case.

She came down here in August of 2017 at 16. She had been warned by no less than five people that I am not her mom and that I am strict. She said she is fine with that and so my step-dad and I drove up to get her. Lots of head butting ensued because she was not used to rules. She was grounded, alot. However, in just one year she went from being a tenth grader to entering high school this August as a senior and was on track to graduate.

She turned 18 on November 1st and on November 2nd she never came home and stated that she was moving out because I am too controlling. I think it had something to do with a boyfriend because I wouldn’t allow to her to have a boyfriend until after she graduated. I needed her to focus on school and not boys. Last year she had three boyfriends even when I told her she wasn’t allowed. Each time her grades took a hit because she would have problems with them. Then when they broke up, I had to force her to go to school because she didn’t want to go because of the boyfriends. So, this year I told her none until she graduates.

I had also told her that the rules will remain the same at 18 as they were when she was 17 because she is still under my roof.

Two weeks after she moved out, she ended up going back to her mom in Upstate, NY.

She has six months till she graduates and I cannot believe her mom is encouraging her to drop out and get her GED, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Her mom never graduated, her mom’s brother dropped out in ninth grade do to mental health issues. My oldest son dropped out in ninth grade and never got his GED. He too lives in Upstate, NY.

I am at a loss for what to do. Her mom doesn’t want to listen to me and generally just shuts me out. I have been praying. I just want her to graduate high school and do better than me.

 

[Elliewaves]

All you can do is pray and sincerely tell her how you feel. At 18 she is an adult and will do what she wants. At this point the choice to continue with school or the consequences of only having a GED or nothing must be hers unfortunately.

 

[eleos1954]

My daughter went back to her mom in Upstate NY because she felt I was too controlling. I may have been a little strict, but she also came from a household (her mother’s) where there were no rules at all. She was free to do as she wished.

That resulted in her failing high school two years in a row for ninth and tenth grades. She had issues with boys up there as well that resulted in cops and a court case.

She came down here in August of 2017 at 16. She had been warned by no less than five people that I am not her mom and that I am strict. She said she is fine with that and so my step-dad and I drove up to get her. Lots of head butting ensued because she was not used to rules. She was grounded, alot. However, in just one year she went from being a tenth grader to entering high school this August as a senior and was on track to graduate.

She turned 18 on November 1st and on November 2nd she never came home and stated that she was moving out because I am too controlling. I think it had something to do with a boyfriend because I wouldn’t allow to her to have a boyfriend until after she graduated. I needed her to focus on school and not boys. Last year she had three boyfriends even when I told her she wasn’t allowed. Each time her grades took a hit because she would have problems with them. Then when they broke up, I had to force her to go to school because she didn’t want to go because of the boyfriends. So, this year I told her none until she graduates.

I had also told her that the rules will remain the same at 18 as they were when she was 17 because she is still under my roof.

Two weeks after she moved out, she ended up going back to her mom in Upstate, NY.

She has six months till she graduates and I cannot believe her mom is encouraging her to drop out and get her GED, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Her mom never graduated, her mom’s brother dropped out in ninth grade do to mental health issues. My oldest son dropped out in ninth grade and never got his GED. He too lives in Upstate, NY.

I am at a loss for what to do. Her mom doesn’t want to listen to me and generally just shuts me out. I have been praying. I just want her to graduate high school and do better than me.

employers generally consider GEDs and typical diplomas to be equivalent. “ Is she wanting to continue her education? Maybe that would be what to focus on. My son dropped out of school at age 16 ... it did devastate me .... he did go on to get his GED and some college as well .... he is doing fine.

God Bless.

 

[Boidae]

employers generally consider GEDs and typical diplomas to be equivalent. “ Is she wanting to continue her education? Maybe that would be what to focus on. My son dropped out of school at age 16 ... it did devastate me .... he did go on to get his GED and some college as well .... he is doing fine.

God Bless.

I don't know what she wants to do from this point on other than drop out.

For me a diploma looks better on a job application, especially these days when jobs are being super picky about who they hire.

 

[Tolworth John]

Love hurts and it is frustrating seeing ability going to waste.
Do all you can to keep in contact with her as she will at somepoint realise you were right and will want your advise.

 

[JazzHands]

All I can say Boidae is that I think you're a sterling example! I guarantee that in future years your daughter will come to appreciate just how lucky she is to have a Dad like you!

 

[eleos1954]

I don't know what she wants to do from this point on other than drop out.

For me a diploma looks better on a job application, especially these days when jobs are being super picky about who they hire.

Perhaps in specialized fields ... some larger employers are not so much concerned about it any more ... Google for one. Like I said, it didn't keep my son from being able to support himself .... and I thought just like you.

You can and should of course encourage her to finish High School .... but if she decides otherwise ... it won't be the end of the world.

Regardless you might start talking to her about how she wants to pursue her future and at least get her thinking about it. Try to focus on the positive and not the negative. Be helpful and encouraging when at all possible.

It was and still is difficult when I give what I consider to be sound guidance to my son ... and then ... well ... he makes his own decisions ... and if they don't work out ... then I am there to help him pick up the pieces the best I can.

We always hope our children will take heed to our experiences ... yet a lot of times they don't. To a large degree it seems they have to have their own experiences.

May the Lord bless your daughter. Amen.

 

[maintenance man]

I am at a loss for what to do. Her mom doesn’t want to listen to me and generally just shuts me out. I have been praying. I just want her to graduate high school and do better than me.

There is no easy answer here. For the most part, your daughter will need to find her own way. Your guidance is important and will impact her along the way. But as much as we hate to see it - they have to experience failure on their own sometimes - even though we could have told them way in advance they were going down the wrong road. On the bright side - there is no better teaching tool than failure.

I went through much the same thing with my daughter. Although rather than a GED, here in California she was able to take the High School Equivalency Test which allowed her to finish high school early. She then went to live with her boyfriend for several months until that fell apart and she returned home. The good thing about her boyfriend was the fact that he was a dedicated college student and very smart. When my daughter returned home she had a renewed commitment to attend college where she has been doing very well for the last year.

My best advice would be to try to help your daughter get focused on her future. Find out what she wants to do with her life and help her get there. That may or may not be college. It may be some other kind of trade school, or art school, or music school, or fashion school, or design school, etc.

As I'm sure you have been doing already - you need to get her to understand how important these years of her life are to the rest of her life going forward - then demonstrate to her that your goal is to help her find her place in this world.

I'm praying for you.

 

[Neostarwcc]

My daughter went back to her mom in Upstate NY because she felt I was too controlling. I may have been a little strict, but she also came from a household (her mother’s) where there were no rules at all. She was free to do as she wished.

That resulted in her failing high school two years in a row for ninth and tenth grades. She had issues with boys up there as well that resulted in cops and a court case.

She came down here in August of 2017 at 16. She had been warned by no less than five people that I am not her mom and that I am strict. She said she is fine with that and so my step-dad and I drove up to get her. Lots of head butting ensued because she was not used to rules. She was grounded, alot. However, in just one year she went from being a tenth grader to entering high school this August as a senior and was on track to graduate.

She turned 18 on November 1st and on November 2nd she never came home and stated that she was moving out because I am too controlling. I think it had something to do with a boyfriend because I wouldn’t allow to her to have a boyfriend until after she graduated. I needed her to focus on school and not boys. Last year she had three boyfriends even when I told her she wasn’t allowed. Each time her grades took a hit because she would have problems with them. Then when they broke up, I had to force her to go to school because she didn’t want to go because of the boyfriends. So, this year I told her none until she graduates.

I had also told her that the rules will remain the same at 18 as they were when she was 17 because she is still under my roof.

Two weeks after she moved out, she ended up going back to her mom in Upstate, NY.

She has six months till she graduates and I cannot believe her mom is encouraging her to drop out and get her GED, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Her mom never graduated, her mom’s brother dropped out in ninth grade do to mental health issues. My oldest son dropped out in ninth grade and never got his GED. He too lives in Upstate, NY.

I am at a loss for what to do. Her mom doesn’t want to listen to me and generally just shuts me out. I have been praying. I just want her to graduate high school and do better than me.

A GED is better than having no high school education at all. I got my GED back in 2004 because I couldn't handle the mainstream high school classes. There wasn't a single college that I couldn't get into with a GED. But it did make my college studies a little bit harder due to the dumbing down of the GED test. But... Yeah a GED is good enough. Its a lot better than an IEP or no high school education at all.

 

[Boidae]

A GED is better than having no high school education at all. I got my GED back in 2004 because I couldn't handle the mainstream high school classes. There wasn't a single college that I couldn't get into with a GED. But it did make my college studies a little bit harder due to the dumbing down of the GED test. But... Yeah a GED is good enough. Its a lot better than an IEP or no high school education at all.

My thing about a GED is that from her mom down, no one has graduated other than me. I don’t want her to fall into the same pattern. Her older brother failed the GED test and now cannot get a job even at McDonald’s. He works a paper route that his grandmother has to drive him for.

If she fails that, she will not be encouraged to take it again by no one other than me.

 

[Neostarwcc]

My thing about a GED is that from her mom down, no one has graduated other than me. I don’t want her to fall into the same pattern. Her older brother failed the GED test and now cannot get a job even at McDonald’s. He works a paper route that his grandmother has to drive him for.

If she fails that, she will not be encouraged to take it again by no one other than me.

Oh I understand your concerns in just saying getting a GED is way better than clunking out of high school and trying to get a job then. Plus if you fail the GED test there's no way you'll pass the high school test its WAY harder. Or at least it was when I was in high school. I live in upstate NY too.

But yeah if you fail the test you can always study and retake the test. My sister failed her GED test the first time around too. She passed the second time she took it. I passed the first time I took it.

But I'd rather see your daughter getting a GED than see her with no high school education at all. Or trying to take the high school test and fail. Because ask my brother in law how hard it is to find a job with no high school its nearly impossible. He only landed a job because he could do farm work and get working experience from there. Then he worked at sears for a while and now he's a carpenter.

 

[maintenance man]

If she fails that, she will not be encouraged to take it again by no one other than me.

That's a sad commentary.

From the view you've provided us here there is no way your daughter is returning to high school. It seems from what you've told us she has already made that decision and is being allowed to travel that road by her mother.

I think you have to start playing the hand that has been dealt. Get her the study tools she needs to pass the GED. Help her find a productive path forward.

 

[Andrew77]

My daughter went back to her mom in Upstate NY because she felt I was too controlling. I may have been a little strict, but she also came from a household (her mother’s) where there were no rules at all. She was free to do as she wished.

That resulted in her failing high school two years in a row for ninth and tenth grades. She had issues with boys up there as well that resulted in cops and a court case.

She came down here in August of 2017 at 16. She had been warned by no less than five people that I am not her mom and that I am strict. She said she is fine with that and so my step-dad and I drove up to get her. Lots of head butting ensued because she was not used to rules. She was grounded, alot. However, in just one year she went from being a tenth grader to entering high school this August as a senior and was on track to graduate.

She turned 18 on November 1st and on November 2nd she never came home and stated that she was moving out because I am too controlling. I think it had something to do with a boyfriend because I wouldn’t allow to her to have a boyfriend until after she graduated. I needed her to focus on school and not boys. Last year she had three boyfriends even when I told her she wasn’t allowed. Each time her grades took a hit because she would have problems with them. Then when they broke up, I had to force her to go to school because she didn’t want to go because of the boyfriends. So, this year I told her none until she graduates.

I had also told her that the rules will remain the same at 18 as they were when she was 17 because she is still under my roof.

Two weeks after she moved out, she ended up going back to her mom in Upstate, NY.

She has six months till she graduates and I cannot believe her mom is encouraging her to drop out and get her GED, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Her mom never graduated, her mom’s brother dropped out in ninth grade do to mental health issues. My oldest son dropped out in ninth grade and never got his GED. He too lives in Upstate, NY.

I am at a loss for what to do. Her mom doesn’t want to listen to me and generally just shuts me out. I have been praying. I just want her to graduate high school and do better than me.

So basically..... If I were you, I would....

Kindly say just what you said here, to her. Almost a direct quote.

So let me back up.

You need to realize that your position as father, is now over with. You have about 15 years you can tell your kids to do whatever you want them to do. But once that time is up, it is over. You are not in control of her anymore.

She may always be a daughter, but she is no longer a child, she is an adult women. You need to talk to her, like she is an adult woman. And part of that is, she is going to make her own choices, whether you agree with those choices or not.

So I would just, you know, order some of the food she loves, and just sit down and talk with her. Just say what you said here:

You are old enough now to make your own choices. I just hope you make good choices.

I did not want to control your life, but when you were not wrapped up in all the boyfriend drama, I saw you succeeding and doing well. When you did get wrapped up in all this boyfriend drama, everything suffered.

Now if you want to drop out, that is your choice. But your mother and I, made a lot of mistakes, and both of us have gone through trouble because of it. If you make the same mistakes we did, you will end up in the same place we are.

I want you to do better than we did. That is why I want you to focus on your schooling, at least until you graduate.

- So does that makes sense? I think that is what I would do.

But here's the kickers. She is now at the age where, giving advice is the limit to your influence. If she decides to drop out, you need to drop it. The time to instill life lessons on her is now over. You can give advice, and that's about it.

 

[Sketcher]

If she fails that, she will not be encouraged to take it again by no one other than me.

And at that point, you'll be someone who can cheer her on to get it and tell you that you believe that she is smart enough to get it and even go to college as a next step if she wants to. Cheering her on can come across much more pleasantly than saying she can't have a boyfriend until she does something she may not be sure that she can do. Thing is, to get in a position where that will be seen positively, you need to have enough relational capital with her to make that happen. It doesn't sound like you're there yet.

 

[JazzHands]

And at that point, you'll be someone who can cheer her on to get it and tell you that you believe that she is smart enough to get it and even go to college as a next step if she wants to. Cheering her on can come across much more pleasantly than saying she can't have a boyfriend until she does something she may not be sure that she can do. Thing is, to get in a position where that will be seen positively, you need to have enough relational capital with her to make that happen. It doesn't sound like you're there yet.

I'm not a parent so I'm hardly qualified to offer advice but it does seem to me that someone in this family dynamic has to play the role of pillar, backbone or keystone. No one wants to be the 'bad cop' but since the role of 'good cop' has been bagsied by Mum, it looks like boid is doing the right and selfless thing by acting as the family punchbag for the sake of his daughter's future. I don't envy him and that's precisely why I avoided marriage like the plague.

 

[Odetta]

The good cop/bad cop scenario only works if the two cops are working towards the same goal. That's not the case here.

As the parent of two high schoolers, one of which is a junior and almost 18, I'm in this transition as well of letting my kids take ownership of their education and me doing less driving. I find it difficult to do, in part because I've had to be so involved because both are special needs - one is high functioning autistic who functions well enough to be mainstreamed but has needed support to do it, the other has had some mental health issues in recent years, but seems to be getting back on track. Eventually - and sooner than I think I'm ready for - they need to be able to take care of their own lives. I worry that they are not ready for it, that they will fail. But failing at something is a part of life. It's sometimes how we best learn how to make better decisions.

I think you've received some good advice on how to step back and let your daughter take the lead while making sure she knows how much you'd like to see her succeed in life. I sense that you fear that if you step back, she will fail. And honestly that's probably going to happen at first, and it will be difficult to watch. If you focus on building up the relationship, however, you'll be in a better position to offer advice - when she asks for it. In my opinion, pushing her at this point - being bad cop - will drive her further away than she already is.

 

[Boidae]

The problem that I have with my daughter and her four siblings that live in Upstate, NY with their mom is that their mom has raised them to despise me.

I have been fighting a losing battle from day one of when their mom and I broke up.

 

[JazzHands]

The problem that I have with my daughter and her four siblings that live in Upstate, NY with their mom is that their mom has raised them to despise me.

I have been fighting a losing battle from day one of when their mom and I broke up.

I suspected as much! Boidae, if you'll indulge me, there comes a time when you have to accept that your trust fund will no longer accept receipts. You have deposited as much love and concern as you can humanly afford into your daughter and now you have to sit back and see how it plays out. Take comfort in the fact that you have been a great Dad!

 

[Sketcher]

I'm not a parent so I'm hardly qualified to offer advice but it does seem to me that someone in this family dynamic has to play the role of pillar, backbone or keystone. No one wants to be the 'bad cop' but since the role of 'good cop' has been bagsied by Mum, it looks like boid is doing the right and selfless thing by acting as the family punchbag for the sake of his daughter's future. I don't envy him and that's precisely why I avoided marriage like the plague.

Oh, he should be the pillar and demonstrate backbone. Problem is, telling a teenage girl that she can't have a boyfriend doesn't seem to demonstrate backbone so much as overreaching for control.

The problem that I have with my daughter and her four siblings that live in Upstate, NY with their mom is that their mom has raised them to despise me.

I have been fighting a losing battle from day one of when their mom and I broke up.

Definitely a problem, but there are dads who have remained married to the mothers of their children and had the same struggle of control issues with teenagers. Some restrictions are necessary, but too many and all they see is an assault on them, so they check out.

 

[JazzHands]

Oh, he should be the pillar and demonstrate backbone. Problem is, telling a teenage girl that she can't have a boyfriend doesn't seem to demonstrate backbone so much as overreaching for control.

Something tells me this is a very personal issue for you!

Wasn't 'Sketcher' an obscure film about a girl who went a bit schizo?

Something to do with feeling abandoned by parents.. ironically!