How many times to have Sex?

[Nataly87]

I have never had sexual intercourse, because I am a virgin and I am saving myself for marriage. But hearing from other guys as far as friends, family, or on TV shows, a lot of guys, complain about how they don't have sex with their partners that much anymore. Like when they first had sex, it was everyday, then every other day, then it changed to once a month, or month every few months, to not happening at all. So when is the right amount of time to have sex with your partner that will make you both happy? Keeping the relationship strong, healthy, and loving?

 

[WolfGate]

Once you're married, the right amount is not a number, but a balance that works for both of you. The key is for both partners to put the other first, while also keeping in mind 1 Corinthians 7:1-5. Expecting sex every time you feel like it or on the other end acting as a gatekeeper are not in line with putting your spouse first. Obviously, changes in health, past history that impacts intimacy, life stresses, etc. may result in one spouse needing to allow a reduction over what has been there in the past and/or one spouse needing to try and work through issues to find time for sex. That balance may shift as you age together as well - as long as both are putting the other first though the relationship can stay sexually satisfying.

Have to also add - keeping a marriage strong, healthy and loving involves much more than the marriage bed. Sex is one aspect of that, but just one. And those other aspects are the ones that both are most likely to cause a marriage to fail and can also lead to marriage bed troubles.

 

[mnorian]

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Thread to a more appropriate forum
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[Dave-W]

Hi Nataly! Wolf is correct. The "ideal" frequency will vary for each couple. Finding that balance though can be difficult, especially if there is a significant mismatch in drives. (and contrary to popular belief, there are just as many women who have the higher drives as there are men)

Medical science has said that for the health benefits, a frequency of 2-3 times a week is good. 4 may be better. (or maybe not)

The point is to communicate, and both to maintain an attitude of wanting to keep your spouse as satisfied as you can.

 

[Brianlear]

Depends on many things. Sex can by physically draining for men, so the answer is "not too much, not too little."

 

[dayhiker]

Modern society works toward limiting how much sex we have as far as I'm concern. If a couple has a TV on late into the evening, they are going to tend to watch TV till they don't have time for sex. With lights in the house, we tend to do work around the house after its dark. Years ago couples went to bed shortly after it got dark. back then they slept an average of 9 hours a night and being rested I'm sure they had quite a bit of sex with no lights to keep them up and no TV to watch.
The other side of that was come church teaching that sex even for married couples was dirty and should be avoided if possible. I remember reading a pamphlet written by a Methodist pastor's wife teaching a newlywed's wife how after a year to make her husband feel guilty about desiring to do such a dirty thing with his beloved wife.

Yes, its how often the couple wants to have sex that is import. One couple may not be interested and then next my want a lot of sex. Neither is right or wrong.

 

[Nataly87]

Oh I see.

 

[dysert]

As with most things, it's a balance. My wife, for example, hardly ever wanted sex, and I almost always did. So we compromised to about every 4 days.

 

[Dave-W]

The other side of that was come church teaching that sex even for married couples was dirty and should be avoided if possible. I remember reading a pamphlet written by a Methodist pastor's wife teaching a newlywed's wife how after a year to make her husband feel guilty about desiring to do such a dirty thing with his beloved wife.

LOL. I have read that pamphlet and can tell you it is a forgery. The word usage is mid-20th century, not late 19th as it claims. That said, I believe the sentiment is accurate to the supposed period. Remember that at the [supposed] time that it was written, western medicine and society assumed that women had no sexual drives or desires or pleasures. Victorian era English speaking society was rather anti-sex. So such advice would certainly be in line with the attitudes of that day and age.

They got that from the early church fathers, some of whom insisted that marital relations were SOOOOO abhorrent to God that He had to vacate the premises when a husband and wife were so engaged.

 

[Dave-W]

Oh I see.

The only gauge I can think of (and it would be only a rough indicator) would be to compare how often each of the couple masturbates.(assuming they are not having couple-sex with anyone)

IOW, a guy (or gal) that masturbates (or feels the urge for release) daily is going to want sex more frequently that a person that that only feels that urge a couple of times a month.

 

[LinkH]

I have never had sexual intercourse, because I am a virgin and I am saving myself for marriage. But hearing from other guys as far as friends, family, or on TV shows, a lot of guys, complain about how they don't have sex with their partners that much anymore. Like when they first had sex, it was everyday, then every other day, then it changed to once a month, or month every few months, to not happening at all. So when is the right amount of time to have sex with your partner that will make you both happy? Keeping the relationship strong, healthy, and loving?

There is no magic number. It depends on him, and it depends on her as far as what will make them happy. But does sex make happiness? Happiness is an elusive concept.

But it is good to resolve to meet one's partner's needs as you would want done for yourself

I Corinthians 7
It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
(NKJV)

 

[Dave-W]

But it is good to resolve to meet one's partner's needs as you would want done for yourself

That goes into "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you;" and "Love your neighbor as yourself."

The problem arises when someone wants the opposite of what you want. Would you really want someone to love you in accord with "Love your neighbor as yourself," and they are suicidal? Or in the sexual realm, what they REALLY want is to continue to be abstinent?

Words you REALLY do not want to hear as a newlywed: "I love you, but I wish sex would just go away."

 

[Nataly87]

Uh what? I'm confused by what you just said lol. I am saving myself for marriage to have sexual intercourse.

 

[Dave-W]

Uh what? I'm confused by what you just said lol.

What exactly did you find confusing? Let me know and I will try to explain.

I am saving myself for marriage to have sexual intercourse.

I get that and approve. But WHY and HOW you are saving yourself is as important as doing it.