Feeling stuck and unsettled. Very difficult living situation.

[Sparrow24]

My husband and I owned our own home for years. We raised our children there. Then we sold it and moved back to my hometown. My dad bought four lots in the country and offered to sell us one and my sister and her family one. We took him up on the offer and acquired a two-acre lot, put a garage on it and converted it into a little three bedroom home to serve as a temporary space while we build a house here. We've been making the payments on this land and paying the property taxes for three years now and we still haven't built a house for various reasons. Then dad decided he didn't want to sell it or put in our name (even though mom insists that when/if we build he will). My parents live next door and they are getting on in years. We've been able to help them a lot which is good, but I feel like whatever grace I had to live in this "temporary" home is wearing thin. Things are falling apart as this was NEVER meant to be permanent. We NEED a house and are financially in a better place to buy one. We miss having more independence (all they have to do is look out the window at our driveway to know if we're home or not) but I want to help my parents as they continue to get older. I believe very strongly in honoring your father and mother but I feel equally strong about leaving father and mother and cleaving to your spouse. I feel stuck in this place and I'm miserable. I hate it here. I love this city and don't want go back where we came from but living in this tiny place on this big lot, and basically feeling like I'm renting it, well...I cry a lot. We have some options. Build a house here, which could take a year (I do trust them to put the land in our name first). Or just go buy a house that's already built and hope we can get some of the money we've invested into this property out if and when it ever sells. And we might not be able to get this much land again as rates have gone crazy since we moved here. We also have the option of renting a house while we build here. We've been praying and seeking God for direction and so far have no real leading in any direction. The kids are older and will probably only live with us a few more years. I really wanted that time to be in a real house together, like we had when they were growing up. Sometimes I wish we had never sold it and moved. My sister is paying for her lot but hasn't done a thing with it. We just want to be settled again! Looking for advice and some prayers too. Thanks.

 

[Pop D.]

Heavenly Father, I pray you will give Sparrow guidance and provision on these matters, in the Name of Jesus. Amen and Amen.

 

[AFrazier]

Make a decision. Make a plan. Make a move.

In other words, decide what you want to do, determine what you need to do to make it happen, and then make it happen.

The old expression, "cut your losses," might apply in this case. Make your decisions and plans based on what is, not what might be.

 

[Richard T]

Sorry you got yourself into this. It is Ok to love yourself and do what you feel is best for your immediate family. Following peace is usually a good thing. Many have shied away from living next to their parents or in-laws. I pray you can act according to God's will. Since they deal never went through and you have apprehension living nearby it might be a sign to move on. If that is the case, not building the larger house on that lot is a good thing.

 

[eleos1954]

My husband and I owned our own home for years. We raised our children there. Then we sold it and moved back to my hometown. My dad bought four lots in the country and offered to sell us one and my sister and her family one. We took him up on the offer and acquired a two-acre lot, put a garage on it and converted it into a little three bedroom home to serve as a temporary space while we build a house here. We've been making the payments on this land and paying the property taxes for three years now and we still haven't built a house for various reasons. Then dad decided he didn't want to sell it or put in our name (even though mom insists that when/if we build he will). My parents live next door and they are getting on in years. We've been able to help them a lot which is good, but I feel like whatever grace I had to live in this "temporary" home is wearing thin. Things are falling apart as this was NEVER meant to be permanent. We NEED a house and are financially in a better place to buy one. We miss having more independence (all they have to do is look out the window at our driveway to know if we're home or not) but I want to help my parents as they continue to get older. I believe very strongly in honoring your father and mother but I feel equally strong about leaving father and mother and cleaving to your spouse. I feel stuck in this place and I'm miserable. I hate it here. I love this city and don't want go back where we came from but living in this tiny place on this big lot, and basically feeling like I'm renting it, well...I cry a lot. We have some options. Build a house here, which could take a year (I do trust them to put the land in our name first). Or just go buy a house that's already built and hope we can get some of the money we've invested into this property out if and when it ever sells. And we might not be able to get this much land again as rates have gone crazy since we moved here. We also have the option of renting a house while we build here. We've been praying and seeking God for direction and so far have no real leading in any direction. The kids are older and will probably only live with us a few more years. I really wanted that time to be in a real house together, like we had when they were growing up. Sometimes I wish we had never sold it and moved. My sister is paying for her lot but hasn't done a thing with it. We just want to be settled again! Looking for advice and some prayers too. Thanks.

Ones parents are only going to get older ... the older they get the more assistance they will need. It would seem to me you have a blessing sitting there (living near them) and just not taking it to fruition. Depending what goes on with them in the future .... living close to them to lend help to them when they need it would be a blessing ... very convenient. You can respect each others privacy even though living in close proximity .... my son and I do that all the time ... it's not a problem. If the house is too small and you are able to build ... that's what I would do .... there is no doubt we are called to help others ... parents or not. Who knows ... maybe down the line the "little house" can be used by one of your children to help them get a start in life. If you are paying rent to your parents ... isn't that better than throwing it out the window?
Quite honestly it sounds like you have options that many don't have available to them .... consider yourself blessed.

Just opinion ;o)

 

[Sparrow24]

Make a decision. Make a plan. Make a move.

In other words, decide what you want to do, determine what you need to do to make it happen, and then make it happen.

The old expression, "cut your losses," might apply in this case. Make your decisions and plans based on what is, not what might be.

Ones parents are only going to get older ... the older they get the more assistance they will need. It would seem to me you have a blessing sitting there (living near them) and just not taking it to fruition. Depending what goes on with them in the future .... living close to them to lend help to them when they need it would be a blessing ... very convenient. You can respect each others privacy even though living in close proximity .... my son and I do that all the time ... it's not a problem. If the house is too small and you are able to build ... that's what I would do .... there is no doubt we are called to help others ... parents or not. Who knows ... maybe down the line the "little house" can be used by one of your children to help them get a start in life. If you are paying rent to your parents ... isn't that better than throwing it out the window?
Quite honestly it sounds like you have options that many don't have available to them .... consider yourself blessed.

Just opinion ;o)

I count my blessings all the time. I'm very thankful for what I have. It's very hard to live in this place and it's been three years. But my parents will always be taken care of between myself and my sister who lives 10 miles away. There are three other acres besides this one. Dad is constantly trying to do things he could when he was younger and he looks tired. Ideally I would like to buy a single property, one that my family and I will take care of ourselves and have an in-law house in the back my parents can live in. They would never have to worry about bills, they would never have to concern themselves with upkeep. They could spend their money any way they choose and travel as much as they want. That's what I want for them but dad would have to agree to it and I don't know if he would. So anyway thank you for your opinion.

 

[AFrazier]

I count my blessings all the time. I'm very thankful for what I have. It's very hard to live in this place and it's been three years. But my parents will always be taken care of between myself and my sister who lives 10 miles away. There are three other acres besides this one. Dad is constantly trying to do things he could when he was younger and he looks tired. Ideally I would like to buy a single property, one that my family and I will take care of ourselves and have an in-law house in the back my parents can live in. They would never have to worry about bills, they would never have to concern themselves with upkeep. They could spend their money any way they choose and travel as much as they want. That's what I want for them but dad would have to agree to it and I don't know if he would. So anyway thank you for your opinion.

Don't misunderstand me. I didn't offer an opinion. I offered a strategy for a solution. If "ideal" to you is to buy a piece of property, build a house, and build an in-law house in the back so your parents can do as you suggest, then that is the, "what you want to do." The next step is to make a realistic plan to see "ideal" made reality. When people don't make an actual plan, all they ever do is talk about what they want to do. You have to take steps and plan to see something made real. Once you have a plan in place, stick to it like glue, and then begin the process. These are proven steps in everything from vacations, weight loss, personal finances, and even building a new business. The hardest part is always taking the first step.

 

[com7fy8]

How about a trailer home in the mix? I mean one that can comfortably house two longterm and can easily travel with four happy campers.

 

[com7fy8]

It is possible that God has His reasons for you to be where you are, except you are not content.

In case you got yourself into this situation, but without making sure with God, then first you need to get wise to your ways that got you here. And learn how to make sure with God so you don't just do another thing with your own ways.

How do we really make sure of how God is guiding us? It is a miracle. Trust Him to make you able to know His guiding.

And yes it is possible you got your own self into this situation, but God might keep you there and create how He wants you and things there . . . better than how you can hope for now while you are less mature: you need to grow so you become able to discover what He will do with you, there or wherever.

 

[TGGIL]

I am a dad of old age, and I wish to afford a large parcel of land and spread it among my daughters and sons. I love them all and only want the best for them. I don't want them to live next to me, but a good distance away where they can live independently. If your dad offered land to purchase and put in your name, that came with a good reason. I look at everything that happens to us under God with love being the answer to our situations. Your dad could be expressing Love, and when you haven't made a permanent decision to build your home on the property, a little bit of confrontation erupted...my thoughts only. Your dad wants you to make a decision to live together and know if you are with this idea of permanence or just waiting for another chance to leave...again my thoughts only. You stress that you cry and are unhappy, and I hope this is not causing any spousal separation from your love for each other. I tell myself every day, that without my Wife, I am no one special. My Wife completes me and we both know God put us together. My parents died a few years ago a month apart. I thought my mom would live another 10 years after Dad died, but I know her lost heart took her away from me. I miss them and still today I look back to what I could have done more for both of them. There is so much love I wish I could have shown them, but it's too late for that. I agree that your parents are your honor and should be, and your spouse is your heart. I say follow your heart and agree with your spouse and please include the kids because they are still with you and their opinion will lead your heart in the best direction when you include all your loved ones. Sit down and have a love talk with Mom and Dad and find out what they really want, if you haven't had this talk already. That is the honor you show. To leave your mother and father and join with your spouse, you have done this already. You must love your spouse and listen together. Your happiness comes when you know that whatever situation you have, you will hold your husband's hand through it all. God has everything and everything you don't see today will manifest itself in due time, but don't cry, stress, or hate. Smile with God that whatever you do, you do it for love and keep walking with the cross on your shoulders with joy that your life is saved by love and forgiveness. There is no suffering greater than what Jesus went through, and God said you have enough today to worry about tomorrow and nothing will overcome you. Still, you are a physical person living with a spiritual heart is why you made this forum.
Continue to be true to yourself and always to those around you. Continue to love no matter what. Make everything peaceful as you find peace within yourself. Most of all love your husband absolutely and then let God guide your heart with little voices.
Eat pleasantly, drink friendly, and be kind.
TGGIL

 

[Diamond7]

Then dad decided he didn't want to sell it or put in our name

What does he want to do? What would he do with it if he died? I am getting older and I am trying to sell or give stuff away so that people do not have to clean up after me when I do pass onto my reward.

 

[tturt]

Friend of ours is in a similar situation. His dad gets sicker everyday, calls on this child lots more than other family members, etc. Says he'll set up the legal paperwork for what was agreed on several years ago concerning the land but doesn't. He was in the hospital for several days recently. Now it seems he's too sick for them to bring up the topic. Earlier the in-laws moved legally going against what this dad wanted - well, sure you can fill in the blanks.

Plus if he had to go into a nursing home with the land in his name, it could bring on numerous financial consequences.

Yes, praying for you and your family.

 

[Diamond7]

Plus if he had to go into a nursing home

It would be cheaper to hire someone to take care of him at home. But that would be more like assisted living.

 

[tturt]

So $15 - 20 an hour, - help that might not show up is cheaper than local nursing home care? Not where we live.

 

[Diamond7]

Not where we live.

Nursing home cost at least $200 a day. There are stories of old people that live on cruse ships because it is cheaper than a nursing home. Or assisted living. For some people two three hours a day would be enough assistance. You can lay in bed at home as easy as you can lay in bed at a hospital or nursing home.

 

[Sparrow24]

What does he want to do? What would he do with it if he died? I am getting older and I am trying to sell or give stuff away so that people do not have to clean up after me when I do pass onto my reward.

There are four lots in his name. Nine, ten, eleven and twelve are the lot numbers. Originally he intended to put lot nine in my name and lot twelve in my sister's name. He has lots ten and eleven. My sister and I have been making monthly payments on our respective lots for three years, plus paying property taxes which seem to go up every year. I'm living on lot nine, in a place that was really only meant to be lived in for a few months. The plan was that Dad was going to put our lots in our names. But when he went down to arrange that they told him that even if they are in our names he would be responsible if we quit paying (which we wouldn't but that's beside the point). He bought these four lots on owner financing, which might be why the rules are a little different. So he decided not to put them in our names but when he dies we are set to inherit them. In the meantime he doesn't want to sell unless he sells all four lots. He doesn't want a stranger moving right next to him. My mom insists that if we build a house on this lot he will put it in our names but I have yet to hear dad say that. Mom has a lot to say but dad ultimately does whatever he wants. So I feel stuck on this lot and I struggle to know what to do. But I love my parents and I will always help them. I could move and just look at this as my inheritance, come by often and check on my parents. Or try to convince my very stubborn father to sell it all and let my husband and I buy a piece of property we could all live on. I just don't know.

 

[tturt]

I mentioned this to my husband. Encourage her to make sure that the land has been professionally surveyed. Also, that info matches the land description on file at the county. Even if it's inheritance. So he must know of a case.