Withholding Sex From Your Spouse

[ChRiStInMyHeArT]

Even though the bible says for neither spouse to withhold sex from the other unless it is mutually agreed upon for a time (during fasting or prayer), it does not mention a plausible reason for the spouse to withhold sex from the other spouse without mutual agreement.

For example: Let's say that in a marriage, the husband is treating the wife very poorly. He commits sexual sin on an almost daily basis in addition to lying to her and being disrespectful towards her. When he approaches her for sexual intimacy, it is not out of love and desire to be with her but simply for his own sexual release (using her body).

In this scenario, do you all believe that God would expect the wife to submit sexually to her husband anytime he approached her because she is supposed to do so (according to scripture)? Or do you believe that God would understand her refusal to be intimate with him because of his disrespectful treatment towards her?

And if the husband, despite his wife's pleadings, continued down his sinful path and continued to mistreat her emotionally, sexually and spiritually, is withholding sex indefinitely a sin against God in His eyes or would He understand why she is doing this and render her behavior towards him acceptable and just?

 

[lin1235]

This is a very hard one. I do believe that God's intention for sex in marriage is for it to be a loving act, and one that brings the couple closer together. I also believe that Paul's instruction for couples not to deny each other is intended to keep the Christian couple from sinning by adultery or lust. So there's two sides here - on the one hand, I do believe God would understand if a wife refused her husband sex in the circumstances you describe; on the other hand, a refusal could simply increase the couple's problems (I suspect that you're describing porn rather than cheating, but he could very well take it to the next level if he no longer gets satisfaction at home - but that would depend on the man).

In the situation you're describing, I'd say the wife is being emotionally abused and used, so I would not describe withholding sex as a sin in that case... but I do believe she needs to decide prayerfully!

 

[all4peace]

I know where you are coming from. . . unfortunately. I tackled a question similar to this many years ago. It isn't easy and I understand your feelings on this and God bless you for seeking biblical answers.
What I discovered is that a wife is to be submissive. . . however, a husband needs to do his part also, and that is to love his wife and Christ loves the church. If he was doing this, I'm sure you would be glad to submit. Is his love for you Christ-like? Because he is not loving you as he should. . . he is bringing discord into the relationship.
A wife responds with committment and loyalty. Her submission is not subordination, but a response to her husbands love. He loves her not because she is always responsive or makes him feel good. His love is not in domination, but in self-sacrifice.
I can't say whether or not God would understand you withholding unless there was biblical text to indicate that. It is difficult, I know. . . but hang in there and pray for him to open his eyes and his heart to see how your feeling. Praying for you.

 

[FaithAlone]

I don't think the wife needs to be in the same house when that's going on. Maybe not divorced but separated until something changes. It seems likely that the man has already committed adultery (though not necessarily). Maybe I'm wrong but I wouldn't stay in that situation.

 

[FaithAlone]

I will have to add that my inlaws were counselling a woman in an abusive situation and they told her that she should stay and do whatever he asked and just show Christ to him in every area of her life even when he beat her. I totally disagree and they do too now, but in that situation the husband became a Christian and felt terrible about the way he had treated his wife. They are now very happy. I guess God can definitely work through you staying and being submissive but I wouldn't do that.

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

God looks at the heart. If you are being spiteful, and gleefully turn him down, ie...I'll show him, I'll make him go w/out so he can suffer the way I have..then yes that is a sin b/c you are taking vengeance into your own hands.

However if you are refusing b/c you are hurt....you want to..but your body doesn't follow suite, I believe that's where God's mercy and grace comes in. In the meantime you should be praying that God give you the desire to be w/ your husband.
You can't w/hold for a yr, and expect your husband not to get ansy.

 

[ChRiStInMyHeArT]

God looks at the heart. If you are being spiteful, and gleefully turn him down, ie...I'll show him, I'll make him go w/out so he can suffer the way I have..then yes that is a sin b/c you are taking vengeance into your own hands.

However if you are refusing b/c you are hurt....you want to..but your body doesn't follow suite, I believe that's where God's mercy and grace comes in. In the meantime you should be praying that God give you the desire to be w/ your husband.
You can't w/hold for a yr, and expect your husband not to get ansy.

...what if the wife does have the desire to be with her husband, but not if he is looking and getting aroused at other naked women then coming to her to use her body as a way for him to achieve sexual release and imagining he is having sex with these other women by using her body as if it were a blow-up doll?! Who in their right mind would want to be sexually intimate with such a person? Regardless of what the bible says, no woman should sexually submit to her husband while he is behaving in this manner. Period. End of story.

If the husband does want to have sex with his wife and to not get 'antsy', then I believe he should stop his sexual sinning - and THEN he would be able to have sex with his wife and in turn, the wife would want to have sex with him. I think the husband should be held accountable for his sinful actions against his wife, his marriage and The Lord - and not have it be expected that the wife pray for him and submit sexually to him while the husband continues walking on his sinful path! If he does not want to go without sex for a year or more, then it is my opinion that he had better change his behavior and stop the sexual sin that he's committing...or else he won't be getting any sex. And if he gets 'antsy' because of having no sex, then who's fault is that? HIS.

I just wish husbands were held accountable more for the problems THEY create in the marriage instead of it always being expected that it is the wife who should pray, repair and restore the marriage.

Believe me, as every woman in here knows, no woman enjoys withholding sex from their husband! The majority of the time it is done for a valid reason. It is also in my opinion that no man should continue to receive sexual intimacy from their wife if they continue to hurt her by continuing to commit sexual sin or by mistreating her emotionally. They do not deserve it and by them continuing to receive sexual intimacy from their wives it is actually condoning what they are doing as they have no consequence to face otherwise.

Thanks for your post and thanks to everyone for their input!

~

 

[Galadriel]

This is a really hard one, I can't begin to say whether it is right or wrong.

From what I understand sexual sin (ie Pornography) is like an addiction to a man, and we women tend to think it is something we did or that the husband must find something wrong with us to go and find his "thrills" elsewhere. This isn't necessarily so, I guess its just a very powerful addiction. I was talking to my husband about this situacion and he says its sometimes hard for women to understand how this stuff really affects guys.

Then again, it isn't by any means an excuse for the guy to just keep going and not even try to remedy his sin. Is your husband trying even, or does he just not care?

I really feel for you, I would be very hard pressed in that situacion because definately part of me would feel as you do, that why should he get sex if he is disrespecting and in a sense abusing the marriage in this manner?
I certainly wouldn't have any desire to have sex with my husband if he was doing that, so it would just be kind of dead.

I want to say pray about it, but heck I am sure you have tons of times over, so it is rather a silly thing to say. All I know is that God knows you and your husband and your circumstances and would know what to do.

I will be thinking about you and pray for you.

 

[FaithAlone]

So, is this really happening in your life or just a hypothetical question?

 

[BigNorsk]

I don't know if it's going to be helpful to go where you seem to be going with all this. It's kind of like, sure I'm sinning, but he made me do it.

May I suggest not taking this on by yourself. Confession is good for the soul. Go to your pastor and lay it all out. What your husband is doing. How it affects you and makes you feel. What you want to do, and so on.

Then ask him for help. He is the shepherd of the flock and he wants to go after the lost sheep and bring him back to the safety of the fold. Help him do his job, share with him your struggles.

I can't promise the pastor can automatically fix things, after all people refuse to listen to God every day and whatever he is he isn't God. But he's had experience, hopefully some training, a position of authority, and we all hope a helping hand from our Lord. God called him to be there to protect you, why not use what God has provided?

Instead of getting into you dishing out punishment for you husband's bad behavior, I think that would be better.

Marv

 

[indagroove]

Sorry to hear this.

This is very hard to respond to without knowing the history between the two of you.

Where is he in his faith?

Our flesh tells us to forget him, and deny.

But God does not tell us that.

If he is physically abusive, then he does not wish to dwell with you, do not stay

But if you love him, and he wishes to dwell with you, then denying him will destroy that. Deny him long enough, and he will stop asking.

I am not saying that you should be a door mat, but you need to work to close the gaps, not widen them.

Do God's will, not yours.

"Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct" (1 Peter 3:1-2).

 

[Ache For Heaven]

First of all, If your husband is doing this he is wrong.

But, the answer is not to punish him by withholding sex from him. This will only send him further away from you. This doesn't address and solve the root of the problem does it?

My wife withholds sex from me, but not to punish me, she is just not interested
and has flat told me so.
It is not necesary for her, so we have sex, only when she feels like being merciful.

I cannot tell you how much this has damaged our marriage. If she knew what a man goes through.
She is beautiful, I desire her, but not being able to follow through with my sexual desires with my own wife is completely agonizing.

I guess what I am trying to say is, withholding sex will just do more harm to your marriage than has been already done by his actions toward you.

You need to find a better solution, like counseling.

 

[all4peace]

I agree completely with the previous three posts.


The Lord will deal with your husband . . . you need not take revenge.

Read God's word and have faith that he will change.


I believe 100% in the power of prayer. . . . to downplay prayer by saying he shouldn't expect it is just wrong.

 

[ChRiStInMyHeArT]

First of all, If your husband is doing this he is wrong.

But, the answer is not to punish him by withholding sex from him. This will only send him further away from you. This doesn't address and solve the root of the problem does it?

My wife withholds sex from me, but not to punish me, she is just not interested
and has flat told me so.
It is not necesary for her, so we have sex, only when she feels like being merciful.

I cannot tell you how much this has damaged our marriage. If she knew what a man goes through.
She is beautiful, I desire her, but not being able to follow through with my sexual desires with my own wife is completely agonizing.

I guess what I am trying to say is, withholding sex will just do more harm to your marriage than has been already done by his actions toward you.

You need to find a better solution, like counseling.

...but withholding it because I will NOT let him use my body in that manner. How would you like it if everytime your wife had sex with you (when she has the desire to) she was thinking of another man sexually and thinking about his penis and how much bigger and wider it is than yours? How would you feel knowing she was using your body in this way and that she doesn't ever really desire YOU but just wants to use your body to imagine having sex with other bigger men than you?

Most men (maybe even you) might say "Wow! She can use my body ANYTIME! She's coming to ME and not someone else so this is perfectly o.k. for her to use me in this way." But if a real man really loved his wife and wanted to be truly desired by her and wanted her to be aroused only by him - then NO, this would NOT be acceptable to him and it would crush his spirit to know that she was using him in this sinful, disrespectful and unloving way.

He will not agree to counseling and believes he is not doing anything wrong! He says all men do this and that it is the variety of younger more attractive naked women that he can look at, get aroused to and touch to that he enjoys. I cannot believe as a Christian man that you condone men using their wives bodies sexually while imagining being with other younger naked women! I am beginning to slowly lose hope that there is ANY man out there on this earth that is my age that would be happy and sexually content with ONE woman WITHOUT lusting after other naked women.

What your wife is doing to you is WRONG. Period. You aren't crushing her spirit by lusting after other women, using pornography or committing adultery for her to be refusing you sexually. She simply does it because she isn't interested in having sex with you unless it is on HER terms. Sounds VERY selfish to me and makes me wonder why she married you in the first place. She should've told you about her nearly non-existent libido so that YOU could've made an informed decision as to whether you'd want to spend the rest of your life in an almost sexless marriage. I don't know who needs prayers more...you or me lol.

I appreciate ALL responses but it's good to hear a man's point of view on this. Your post has shown me that my losing hope in all men is not only valid, but probably the best thing for me. If I don't involve myself with anymore men (after I divorce him), then this will protect my heart and spirit. I will NOT EVER let another man use me the way my husband did. NEVER. And I will continue to withhold from him until HE steps up to the plate and stops his disgusting sinful habit. Me withholding from him won't make matters worse. They cannot possibly get any worse. Divorce at this point for me would be a BLESSING.

Anyways, thanks for your reply.

~

 

[searle29678]

I appreciate ALL responses but it's good to hear a man's point of view on this. Your post has shown me that my losing hope in all men is not only valid, but probably the best thing for me. If I don't involve myself with anymore men (after I divorce him), then this will protect my heart and spirit. I will NOT EVER let another man use me the way my husband did. NEVER. And I will continue to withhold from him until HE steps up to the plate and stops his disgusting sinful habit. Me withholding from him won't make matters worse. They cannot possibly get any worse. Divorce at this point for me would be a BLESSING.

I don't think that your husband or any poster here be it male or female should be an indicator of all men in the world. I know that you are angry with your husband and I realize that sometimes we forget that people don't always do things to hurt us on purpose. My husband looked at porn and I honestly thought he continued because he didn't care how I felt about it and he was doing it just to hurt me. Soon I realized that while that may have been partly true at one time it wasn't the whole reason. It became a rebellion for him and while he considers himself a Christian he doesn't go to church or pray or have a close relationship with God. I truly believe that since he is not open to God working with Him to change, Satan has found a way into his life and thought process causing him to move in the opposite direction on numerous things. I know in my heart that once Satan finds a way into the marriage he will try desperately to destroy it. My hubby may not look at porn for a while, but he will start smoking more pot. He may not hit me anymore, but he talks to me like I am trash. I know that he is to blame for not being open to God, but not everyone is strong enough to move away from temptation.

I'm not saying that what you are doing is wrong. I know how it feels to want to love your husband in every way possible, including sexually, and your mind won't let your body break free of that feeling of betrayal. I don't think you are withholding from your spouse as punishment alone....I know all too well what is like to give in and feel connected to your spouse in that way only to find one more DVD or discover he had a porn magazine an hour before he came on to you or whatever the case may be. On the other hand, by withholding he could feel even further pushed towards pornography and if it is an addiction he needs help. You can't make him do that. However, you can get counselling and pray and seek God's wisdom so that you always know that it isn't your fault, there is nothing wrong with you, and your husband's interest in porn isn't because of something you did or did not do.

This is so very difficult. What goes on in the bedroom is a reflection of what happens in day to day life and it can be difficult when you feel like you are forcing yourself to 'perform your wifely duties.' I will pray for you. Keep your head up and your eyes on God and a better day will come.

 

[PastorofMuppets]

i dont think that either partner should agree to sex if they know for sure that their partner is walking in known sin.

 

[Godisgr8r]

I guess my question would be, "How do you feel after having been with him?" My ex-husband was into the whole pornography thing. He tried to get me to watch it with him. I tried to make him happy, but I just couldn't do it. Having "sex" with him just made me feel dirty and violated. It got the the point with him that vaginal sex wasn't enough, he wanted anal sex. I allowed it after much begging on his part, but it nearly distroyed me. I nearly hated him. I would cringe when he asked for sex, and that was all it was,there was absolutely no caressing, loving touches, nothing but him getting his pleasure at my cost. I would lay there and cry and he wouldn't even know. I can't see how you continuing to have sex with him is going to make matters better for you. The more I gave in to him, the more he wanted. He started asking if I would have a threesome with him. At some point you have to put a stop to it. I am not saying that your husband is like my ex is, but it sounds like it could be headed in that direction. I would suggest to you, if you want to save your marriage that you both get some counseling. I hope this helps you. God bless you.

 

[llghoney]

I say that it is your husbands SIN. And what is in the middle of Sin, I. He is the one who is being selfish. Can you call a pastor to maybe come to talk to you guys or you guys go talk together. I know how you feel I really do. And your husband is not hiding this from you. I think he does need to know that you will not stand for this & there are consequences not just sex that is involved. And really until people have walked in similar shoes they have NO idea what they would do about witholding sex or not withholding. But I would say that most women would & do not want to have sex when they know that theie spouse is not thinking about them while having sex. Meaning just being used.

 

[GQ Chris]

Each spouse shouldn't withhold the other, I mean intercourse doesn't have to happen all the time, but there are plenty other things that can be done that will suffice.

 

[GQ Chris]

Sex doesn't always have to be about love; sometimes people just want that animal passion, lol. I mean the Bible does say that the marriage bed is indefiled so I think it's the same as saying for couples to enjoy themselves.