Why do I feel guilty after sex?

[147]

If your church won't help you with these issues, find another church that will.

That's a problem, in that we're in China for mission work, and really only have contact with two churches: My church in the US (The pastor who turns silent when I mention this problem) and her church in Korea (The pastor there skirts every major issue in our marriage if I contact that church)

 

[Sabertooth]

You are extremely vulnerable to spiritual attack to be in the mission field with that kind of marriage.

IMVHO, you should get back to whichever place you consider home and deal with your marital issues before you consider going back out.


"1TI 3:2 Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, 3 not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. 4 He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. 5 (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?) 6 He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. 7 He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap.

1TI 3:8 Deacons, likewise, are to be men worthy of respect, sincere, not indulging in much wine, and not pursuing dishonest gain. 9 They must keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience. 10 They must first be tested; and then if there is nothing against them, let them serve as deacons.

1TI 3:11 In the same way, their wives are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything.

1TI 3:12 A deacon must be the husband of but one wife and must manage his children and his household well." 1Tim. 3:2-12

I'm not saying that you are necessarily to blame, but your house is still out of control, and needs more focused attention, first.

 

[147]

I'm trying to give it as much attention as humanly possible.

Another problem was that I really had little choice in whether I came back or not.

1. I already have a 1-year contract with the school I'm working at in China. Quitting would have effectively shut the door here. The schools here are very well connected, and one bad mark at one will leave you with a lot of slammed doors later on. My wife learned this by trying to take on work at an academy here, decided it was too far a commute and turned it down, and was literally told that by saying no to this job, she would be blacklisted here because all the academies here are connected, and sure enough, she attempted to apply to another one and had her resume refused by their email server, meaning that she was blocked.

2. I cannot get hired in Korea at this present time. Ideally, I wanted to stay in Korea when I went back at the end of January for three weeks. Realistically, I couldn't. I only have an associate's degree, the government requires of Americans a Bachelor's degree or higher for a work visa. I could effectively get a marriage visa and work then, but schools and language academies will not hire me without the Bachelor's degree, because it's too risky with the government. I will have that degree in July.

3. The cost of even applying for her spouse visa/residency in America is more than we can afford. To finish it costs around $2100, we'd need a sponsor. Just too many factors to make it happen right now.

4. Splitting up and staying married wouldn't solve anything. If I were in America, and she in Korea, it's only going to put a pause on the issues at hand that are resultant of our living together, and when we do go back to living together, the same issues will present themselves.

 

[peckaboo]

Every time I get rejected is a blow to my psyche, like "Wow, if my own wife doesn't want to have sex with me, how disgusting must I be?"

This is a lie from the devil. After I last posted going "my husband's totally fine with sex now!" I later found out he wasn't, at all. And I felt the same as you - like I must be just hideous if even he didn't want me. But neither of us is right to think that. If your wife is having some kind of sexual hang-ups, she needs to take responsibility for those, and you need to stop thinking it's some kind of reflection on who you are.

I'm interested by her comment about you "going over to xxxxx's house to have sex with her"; is your wife generally a very jealous/insecure person? If she believes (with or without reason) that you have feelings for someone else, or if she doubts your commitment to her (even through no fault of your own) that could be part of what's causing her to put up walls between you...?

I think it's important that you guard your heart against the hurtful things she says to you, though. When she starts saying things like "you're disgusting, no-one would ever have sex with you" just tell her "it's not ok for you to say whatever spiteful things come into your head, without thinking. I'm not going to listen if you can't speak kindly" and calmly leave the room.

Are you able to talk to her about it without it turning into an argument? I think it's also important that you figure out why she's so resistant to having sex with you, and then you can address that underlying issue rather than the sex itself. We found it helpful to explicitly propose a sexual fast for a few weeks, so that my husband knew there would be no pressure on him to actually have sex while we talked together and tried to figure out what was going on under the surface. If she's willing to open up about this, I bet you'd find the actual act of sex with you isn't the issue at all. We're finding Christopher West's talks on the Theology of the Body (on youtube) really helpful in restoring our view of sex as something holy and set apart by God, as a reflection of the union of Christ and the church. Would she be willing to watch and discuss something like that with you?

 

[147]

The problem is she isn't open to talking about this. I tried. I asked her if she was uncomfortable with sex. "Yes, I'm not interested in it." I asked why, and she just says "I don't know." End of discussion, she won't go any further.

I've addressed the issue of her verbal assaults on me. I even went so far as to write out a list of principles that our marriage would follow that would rectify the problems we have had since we got married.

I'll post up regarding those things, I just want feedback on whether these are unreasonable to other people's eyes.

7. Verbal abuse will NOT be tolerated for ANY reason at ANY time from EITHER spouse. This extends to raising our voices and just screaming at the top of our lungs to disturb the other person who is trying to remove them from the situation before things get worse. The offended party will have every right to ask the aggressor to leave the premises until their anger is gone. That party must leave the premises without further argument to calm down. This is going to be just like hockey for me: You attack, you go into the penalty box. Only our penalty box will be outside. –Proverbs 4:24; Ephesians 4:26

11. Bringing up one another’s past in an attempt to hurt the other person will not be tolerated, and will be treated in the same fashion as verbal abuse. If bitter roots and generational curses arise, we are to deal with them respectfully. Condemning one another for our pasts is not respectful, and merely retains past sins as though Christ’s redemption never happened. This should also extend into our family’s dealings with us that can cause these things to happen. If we want to help deliver each other from these things through the laying on of hands and prayer, that’s fine, but ultimately, my problems are mine, yours are yours, and God will deal with them as He sees fit through relationship with Him. –Ephesians 4:26; Matthew 18:18; Matthew 6:12; Matthew 7:1-2; Matthew 6:14-15

12. Divorce is a dirty word in this house. Do not ever say this word regarding our relationship. It will not be tolerated as a threat, or as an act of manipulation to get what we want, and will be treated as a form of verbal abuse. –Malachi 2:16; Proverbs 23:7

13. Sex is an integral part of a marriage, and as such, should be expected and enjoyed by one another. If you have hang-ups about sex, I understand, and we should be praying that God gives you joy and right thoughts concerning sex. But neither one of us has any right in making the other person feel disgusting, guilty, or perverse for wanting a sexual relationship with one another, and will be treated as a form of verbal abuse. These actions have serious consequences, and can cause the other to turn to adulterous thoughts if we are not careful in respecting the marriage bed. –1 Corinthians 7:3-5; Genesis 1:28

15. When one of us makes a mistake and offers an apology, the other needs to accept it as soon as they can do so without bitterness, pretenses, or harboring the wrongdoing for future arguments. There will be no more attacking someone for apologizing. There is no sense in anyone feeling sick for having to apologize just because they know their sincerity will either be attack or mocked, and the apology will not be accepted. –Epehesians 4:26; Matthew 6:12; Matthew 6:14-15; Matthew 5:23-26

I even stated in the foreword that I wrote to her, that if she was unwilling to follow these principles in our marriage, and unwilling to walk through the worst of times with me (and even stated that the time we've had so far may not even be the worst of it), that it was her chance to leave me, because I'd rather her leave now instead of later when I would need her the most.

She read through this and stayed. But since she returned to China (we had to return on separate days), she has neglected the expectations placed on her in these principles. Things such as raising her voice to me, then not stopping or leaving the house as proposed, or threatening me when I ask her to leave the house by saying she'll go back to Korea if she leaves the house.

Honestly feels like I'm fighting the battle alone. If it keeps going like this, I won't be surprised if she leaves, or if I have to actually swallow my pride and say, "It's over." I really want neither, and would like to see these problems be confronted, taken care of, us to be happy, stable, and see our marriage bless rocky marriages. But I have made my peace on it. If this marriage were to end, I would be ok. But I'd rather that not be the case. I actually do love her. I just don't love the way she feels the need to make me feel like.

But I'm determined not to let the way she treats me effect me anymore.

Moreover, the church group here knows full well the problems we're facing, and her attitude, and her treatment of me. They have basically pacted themselves to praying with me for her, and intervening where necessary. I praise God for that. But they refuse to allow her to be in a leadership role until her attitude changes.

 

[Chaplain David]

Hi Everyone,

Please remember that in line with the new SOP intimate topics need to be talked about in the respective gender forums. To the OP, one suggestion might be to prune off this thread by starting a relationship (without the intimate stuff) thread in this forum as you are getting good support. Also, feel free to come to Ask a Chaplain forum at http://www.christianforums.com/f792/ if you'd like to ask a question anonymously. God bless.

 

[dallasapple]

OP I wonder TBH why at this point after she treats you this way and her sentiments regardign havign sex with you why you woudl even WANT to be with her sexually until she gets some help..obviously your wife it tormented over sex..and shes now tormenting YOU over it ..and Im sorry unless its an extreme form of PMS that is NOT "pms"..Its an urban MYTH that women just go balistically insane every month from PMS..If she has PMS and those are teh manifistations you describe its a RARE condition but can be treated with medications..medications just like the ones peopel take for PLAIN OLD instanity..Im not saying your wife is "insane" Im saying her behavior is too severe to be chalked up as "PMS"..as well as she has deep seated issues obviously with sex..that she NEEDS counseling for..

YOU arent going to be able to help her ..I fear..she is after YOU to punish for whatever distorted and wapred views she has on sex...your're the whipping post..she needs REAL phsycological help..and something maybe meds maybe training to GET her rage under control...

this kind of thing you describe you cant "talk her out of"..shes not going to wake up one day and magically see the truth adn feel "bad' adn make a 180 degree turn..she lost and tormented..she needs big time help..

If she wont get it?All you can do is stadn yoru groudn with each LIE ans say THATS a lie..when she tells you that you are dirty go bathe?Say NO ..Im NOT dirty ..I will not bathe ..just dont fall for her lies..and call them as you see them..

Dallas

 

[Anessa14]

hi 147-
your 'principles' look a whole lot like Rules or Laws to me. The principles of your marriage are things you two should agree on, not things that You unilaterally decide. So, answering your question, yes, to me they are totally unreasonable because she didn't have any part in formulating them.
It is my guess that your wife is Korean and you are not--does a culture clash have a great deal to do with this?
Your church group is praying with you for her. ummmm.... perhaps you should be asking that they pray for both of you without judgement.
She doesn't want to have sex with you. That's what she said, yes? I don't want to eat Brussell sprouts, and no amount of coercion and talking at me is going to make me want to eat them. I know you see sex in marriage as a given, even an obligation, but if you switched places--and you were being nagged/prayed/talked at/guilted into sex, would you feel like giving that wondrous gift? I wouldn't.
You listen to God for you. You don't get to control her thoughts/feelings/actions.
prayerfully,
A

 

[JaneFW]

* taking out my post now I saw the "principles"

 

[chaz345]

Let's me see if I have this straight. All he wants is a normal sex life and she's saying things to him that are or border on verbal abuse and HE is the problem?

 

[mkgal1]

Am I remembering your story correctly, that it was the pastor at her church in Korea that had told the two of you that "God said" you should marry and go to China?

 

[JanniGirl]

The problem is she isn't open to talking about this. I tried. I asked her if she was uncomfortable with sex. "Yes, I'm not interested in it." I asked why, and she just says "I don't know." End of discussion, she won't go any further.

I've addressed the issue of her verbal assaults on me. I even went so far as to write out a list of principles that our marriage would follow that would rectify the problems we have had since we got married.

I'll post up regarding those things, I just want feedback on whether these are unreasonable to other people's eyes.



I even stated in the foreword that I wrote to her, that if she was unwilling to follow these principles in our marriage, and unwilling to walk through the worst of times with me (and even stated that the time we've had so far may not even be the worst of it), that it was her chance to leave me, because I'd rather her leave now instead of later when I would need her the most.

She read through this and stayed. But since she returned to China (we had to return on separate days), she has neglected the expectations placed on her in these principles. Things such as raising her voice to me, then not stopping or leaving the house as proposed, or threatening me when I ask her to leave the house by saying she'll go back to Korea if she leaves the house.

Honestly feels like I'm fighting the battle alone. If it keeps going like this, I won't be surprised if she leaves, or if I have to actually swallow my pride and say, "It's over." I really want neither, and would like to see these problems be confronted, taken care of, us to be happy, stable, and see our marriage bless rocky marriages. But I have made my peace on it. If this marriage were to end, I would be ok. But I'd rather that not be the case. I actually do love her. I just don't love the way she feels the need to make me feel like.

But I'm determined not to let the way she treats me effect me anymore.

Moreover, the church group here knows full well the problems we're facing, and her attitude, and her treatment of me. They have basically pacted themselves to praying with me for her, and intervening where necessary. I praise God for that. But they refuse to allow her to be in a leadership role until her attitude changes.

I'm going to agree with another poster and say that one person dictating the terms of an "agreement" doesn't usually go too well in most situations. I suspect it is even less effective in a marital relationship than it would be in a business partnership. Did you ask your wife what she thought about these principles? Did she also have an opportunity to dictate to you a list of things that she considers to be "principles" within your marriage?

It seems to me that you paint a picture of your wife as being pretty off her rocker, without, perhaps, giving much introspection into how you've contributed to the discord in your marriage.

 

[mkgal1]

http://www.christianforums.com/t7588247/#post58417684

From your posts, it sounds as if it's been like this from the very beginning.

 

[JaneFW]

not stopping or leaving the house as proposed, or threatening me when I ask her to leave the house by saying she'll go back to Korea if she leaves the house.

I don't understand what this means. Can you elaborate? Also any "house rules" should be jointly agreed upon. The only people that my husband and I impose house rules upon are our children - not each other. When it come to spousal rules, we make them jointly, and in agreement with each other.

I do think you would both be best to seek joint marriage counseling. If you are in danger from abuse, then please seek help asap.

 

[JaneFW]

Oh, btw, you shouldn't feel guilty after sex, and your wife shouldn't be guilting you. It's a horrible cycle that you are in, and try to remember that God gave us sex as a gift, and that it is not "bad" and you are not "bad" either.

 

[dallasapple]

hi 147-
your 'principles' look a whole lot like Rules or Laws to me. The principles of your marriage are things you two should agree on, not things that You unilaterally decide. So, answering your question, yes, to me they are totally unreasonable because she didn't have any part in formulating them.
It is my guess that your wife is Korean and you are not--does a culture clash have a great deal to do with this?
Your church group is praying with you for her. ummmm.... perhaps you should be asking that they pray for both of you without judgement.
She doesn't want to have sex with you. That's what she said, yes? I don't want to eat Brussell sprouts, and no amount of coercion and talking at me is going to make me want to eat them. I know you see sex in marriage as a given, even an obligation, but if you switched places--and you were being nagged/prayed/talked at/guilted into sex, would you feel like giving that wondrous gift? I wouldn't.
You listen to God for you. You don't get to control her thoughts/feelings/actions.
prayerfully,
A

I agree with you no one should ever be coerced into sex..and i have always been grossed out at people who can even ENJOY sex with a person who has been talked into it against their will..or who had to be threatned with divorce or some sort of negative consequences in order to "comply"..on that I mean especially when its a matter of frequency..

that to me is a LOT different than a person that is just plain old anti sex..hates all sex..hates sex anytime and thinks that anyone (or thier spouse) is "dirty" because they want to have sex AT ALL..

The woman has obvious warped ideas of sex if she is telling her husband after they are done he is dirty and disgusting and needs a bath..at the very least thats a mean and nasty way to talk to him ..and that she"hates sex" in general ..thats an issue SHE has ..and Im sorry if you hate SEX ..not just you are vey unhappy in your relationship and its interfering with your NORMAL interest in sex but just sex period you think its disgusting and want nothing to do with it..you shouldnt marry someone that plans on sex being a part of the relationship...

The wife needs help or he needs to leave the relationship if he ever wants to live in peace and harmony..let alone have a normal healthy sexual relationship with a woman..

Dallas

 

[JaneFW]

I agree with you no one should ever be coerced into sex..and i have always been grossed out at people who can even ENJPOY sex with a person who has been talked into it against their will..or who had ot be threatned with divorce or some sorto f negative consequences..on that I mean espcially when its a matter of frequencey..

that to me a LOT differnt than a person that is just plain old anti sex..hates all sex..hates sex anytime and thinks that anyone (or thier spouse is "dirty" becasue they want ot have sex AT ALL..

The woman has obvious warped ideas of sex if she is teeling her husband after they are done he is dirty adn disgustign adn needs a bath..at the very leas thats mean and nasty way to talk to him ..and that hs e"hates sex" in general ..that an issue SHE has ..and Im sorry if you hate SEX ..not just you are vey unhappy in your relationship and its interfering with yoru NORMAL interest in sex but just sex period you think its disgusting and want nothign to do with hit..you shouldnt marry someone that plans on sex beign a part of the relationship...

The wife needs help or he needs to leave the relationship if he ever wants to live in peace and harmony..;et alone have a normal helathy sexual relationship with a woman..

Dallas

hear hear!!

 

[LinkH]

You are extremely vulnerable to spiritual attack to be in the mission field with that kind of marriage.

IMVHO, you should get back to whichever place you consider home and deal with your marital issues before you consider going back out.


"1TI 3:2 Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, 3 not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. 4 He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. 5 (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?) 6 He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. 7 He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap.

1TI 3:8 Deacons, likewise, are to be men worthy of respect, sincere, not indulging in much wine, and not pursuing dishonest gain. 9 They must keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience. 10 They must first be tested; and then if there is nothing against them, let them serve as deacons.

1TI 3:11 In the same way, their wives are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything.

1TI 3:12 A deacon must be the husband of but one wife and must manage his children and his household well." 1Tim. 3:2-12

I'm not saying that you are necessarily to blame, but your house is still out of control, and needs more focused attention, first.

I'll address this to 147. I haven't read the entire thread, so I apologize if this is repetitive. This is something 147 should discuss with his wife. If a wife forces her husband to live in a sex-less marriage, and there is no real reason for it (e.g. medical), she is defrauding him. She isn't living well. That could also be seen as reflecting on his not ruling his house well. If he sits down with his wife and explains this to her, that her sin could lead him to pull out of ministry, assuming she is committing to ministry and serving the Lord-- it may make her thing twice.

Have you noticed the Proverbs 31 woman has a husband who takes his seat among the elders? A godly woman's support can help her man minister among the elders. It can help him grow in the ministry that God has him to do.

I suspect you may have talked to her about how her not having sex with you is defrauding you according to I Corinthians 7. You are to provide for one another's sexual needs for a number of reasons, one of which is to help keep you from unnecessary temptation.

There could be any number of reasons for a woman's lack of sexual desire. It could be negative experiences with sex in the past. This could include molestation, rape, or something severe like that. Of course there could be guilt if there were pre-marital fornication or adultery. But it is also possible for women to have a negative view of sex from something less extreme, like being flashed by a pervert as a child or teenager. Some people have a negative view of sex because their parents always talked about it as if it were evil or shameful instead of instilling a positive view of sex in marriage in their children's minds.

Your wife may benefit from teaching on the subject. If you don't think she would be enthusiastic about reading a book or you don't think you could get her to watch a video on sex, why not ask her if she thinks it would be a good idea for you both to put in effort to "work on your marriage." You could both agree to read a book on marriage. Then you carefully select books for both of you, including one for her that addresses her sexual issue. It is good to do this sort of thing even if you don't have a sexual issue.

I have ordered a couple of books for my wife and myself. I ordered The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace and The Exemplary Husband, which was written by Martha Peace's pastor. The wife book is a lot more popular than the husband book, which the reviews said were dry. The reviews of the Martha Peace book on Amazon were good. Even the negative reviews made me want to order it. I understand the book urges women to take their husbands' sexual needs seriously and to satisfy them. I haven't read it yet, so I can't exactly endorse it. The husband book doesn't have as many reviews. I've read it is dry. My wife may end up with a more interesting read.

I know you are in China, but if you could get your wife to agree for you both to read a marriage book, maybe you could both study books like this. If she is a reader, you could include some books to help her with problem areas in your book orders. And she may be able to make suggestions for books for you.

You can also study the word with her on the subject. I Corinthians 7 shows us some important things on the topic. Your body belongs to your wife, and her body belongs to you. It is defrauding your spouse to withhold sex from him or her. Sex with the spouse helps prevent temptation.

The following passage shows us that it is a good thing for a man to constantly pursue his wife sexually.

Proverbs 5
15 Drink water from your own cistern,
running water from your own well.
16 Should your springs overflow in the streets,
your streams of water in the public squares?
17 Let them be yours alone,
never to be shared with strangers.
18 May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
20 Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife?
Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?

If you read this one with her, you can ask for her cooperation in helping you obey the principles in this passage about being intoxicated with her love, and explain to her that this is a good thing.

It also helps to consistently do devotions with your wife at home, praying with her and reading the Bible with her every day or night. These passages could be included in your devotions at times. You could also put together lessons on marriage that include these topics. Or you could be a little less formal and read the passages and discuss them.

Sometimes, it is easier for women to accept teaching on sex from other women. Titus 2:2 tells older women to teach younger women, among other things, to love their husbands. Meeting sexual needs is one of the ways we love our spouse. Books may be hard to get over there. If your Internet speed is fast enough for Youtube, and you can access it, here are some videos you may wish to consider having your wife watch.

These videos are form wives who seem to have really dedicated themselves to being good wives. The 'Wisdom for Christian Wives' encourages women to take their husbands sexual needs seriously, and has a funny story at the end. The video on intimacy is a video by a youtuber who is serious about being a wife and homemaker. The video on loving your husband is by a Russian lady who has a large number of videos teaching younger women. This one is really good for encouraging women to have the right mindset about having sex with her husband. The latter two videos in particular use scripture to explain to wives the need to meet their husbands sexual needs. This comes from women who have embraced the teaching of the Bible on this subject who share from their hearts with their women viewers. I think it is good for a woman with a problem in this area to watch these videos. She would have to be able to understand English, though.

Wisdom For Christian Wives Regarding Sex - YouTube
The Importance Of Intimacy In Marriage - YouTube
How to Love your Husband ( Part 2 ) - YouTube

 

[JanniGirl]

..... or you could try to be a good husband, rather than looking at what your wife needs to do to "satisfy" you; you could focus on being a good husband (which is what you are called to do).

 

[LinkH]

147,

I also think you should be thanking God. I assume that, living in China, you are away from your Korean mother-in-law. She's probably a great lady. But it can be difficult to be near your in-laws when you are newly married. It adds extra stress. I'd imagine Korean mother-in-laws are worse to live near than American ones based on the stories they show in those Korean dramas. I have a friend who was married to a Korean and has been divorced for many years. He said the women are just like in the dramas around the house.

It would really help if she had some teaching on what her role is as a wife and what her attitude should be toward her husband. You should teach her the word of God about this and discuss these issues in detail. Who is in charge? Who is responsible for what? How will you interact with in-laws when that becomes an issue?

She can read books, watch videos, but it would be great if she had an older godly woman who could instruct her. If there were a godly couple that you could both trust to help you discuss issues, that would help, too. She needs a Titus 2 older woman to help her. That means that the woman she talks to will have to actually live out the things that older women are to teach the younger women, to love their husbands, be diligent about the home, and be--well it starts with an s, and we aren't allowed to discuss it on this forum anymore, so I'll let you look up Titus 2:5 for yourself since quoting this scripture is apparently against rules for this ChristianForum.

If you get an older couple you'd like to be friends with to talk out marriage issues with, make sure the wife fits those criteria. Otherwise, don't put yourself in a situation where your wife would ask her wife for advice. Make sure the man loves his wife and is a good leader of the home. Make sure they are a couple who both know the word of God.

Culturally, it may be difficult to find a good couple to talk to. If you knew a godly couple with a man from your culture background and a Korean wife, that might work. But there may be some other couple there who your wife could relate to, regardless of the cultural background. Are there any older couples in the missions network you are a part of or in the larger missions community that had to struggle with some of the same cross-cultural issues? Do they get along well? Is the wife very dedicated to living out a Biblical understanding of what it means to be a wife? Is the man a godly husbands, a godly leader, and a loving man. There you have it. That's them.