I'm going to have to go with Option #4:
Because there are differences both men and women have difficulty.
For example, based on both my personal experience and decades of counseling others, most women want men to
lead. This desire for leadership is often worded in the context of "
spiritual leader," but every single Christian woman I've ever met also elaborates that in very practical and behavioral terms that often have nothing to do with reading the Bible, praying, or going to church (the proverbial "big three"). It's hard to follow when no one leads. Individuals who are not dating live lives that are, in many ways, legitimately independent, and many are perfectly capable of achieving their own spiritual, vocational, financial, etc. goals without a dating partner. Women do NOT need a man to lead in those regards. This is simply one example; there are others.
Another place where difference pose difficulty is that of moving from independence to interdependence. It's my observation that many d not even know that is the goal. If marriage is the objective to dating, then, relationally speaking, there are four ways not to go wrong and only one way to go well. Independence, codependence, counter-dependence, and dependence are all common and unhealthy alternatives to the scriptural standard of interdependence. Because most males are not relationally aware and emotionally integrated, interdependence poses certain challenges that may by unknown to females. Coming from the opposite end of the spectrum, females (generally speaking) are much more relationally oriented, and emotionally integrated and may, 1) fascinate, irritate, and overwhelm the average guy, and 2) feel left out of, or undervalued in, the relationship even when they are physically together, and thereby have difficulty working out the appropriate measures of protector and helpmete nurturer commonly held as an objective in traditional Christian marriage.
I am not exaggerating when I say about a third of the couples I counseled opened our first meeting with the husband saying (and I quote), "
I'm mean and she's crazy." I'll have him briefly elaborate and then turn to his partner and she will confirm his diagnosis, "
Yep. He's mean and I am crazy." They have, somehow, taken on identities for themselves of "
mean" and "
crazy." Let me again point out this is true of about a third of married couples. It's not the majority, but it is common. Why do they self-label that way? Well, as counseling proceeds it is discovered the guy is too much in his head, very task-oriented, not as relationally aware, and not as emotionally expressive. A lack of emotional responsiveness seems very isolating and abandoning to those longing for connection, longing to fulfill the potential of a man and woman knowing and being known. To her it seems very mean, and when that is said often enough it become identity (no matter how affectionate they may be otherwise). The other side of that is the woman seeking value and affection through more than just a free meal and some kisses (or more). The emotional expression typical to increasingly connected couples can be disorienting to men, irrational because the purpose and task to be achieved is not understood. Men "box up" their emotions because their brain handles that information in ways different than women so, again, it seems or "feels" irrational. He's mean and she's irrational. It takes the average dating couple awhile to reach that stage and even longer to realize that's what is happening and many don't get there until after their married, which brings me to the next challenge (for now).....
Dating is very idealized. We're both on our best behavior, both hoping for the best from ourselves and each other, both not objectively weighing the person and relationship, and both pursuing the best possible outcome (which is typically marriage and family). Real relationship does not happen outside of commitment and if marriage is the preeminent commitment (after Christ), then few dating couples are doing a good job prior to marriage and for most the "honeymoon" period can take months to a year or two to wear off. Only then is real relationship happening sans the idealism common in dating.
Other differences have to do with sex and affection. The old adage, "Men give love to get sex, and women give sex to get love," is (still) very common. About 40% of the pre-marriage counseling I've done with Christian couples is done with already sexually active couples. Most will abstain until the wedding when I ask, but some won't. A very small percentage are cohabiting. Men do not understand many women do not feel sure they are valued if the couple is sexually active. "
Am I loved for who I am, or because I have a vagina?" Most people, especially men, do not value what they have not earned so if sex comes easy while dating then that man may not have earned his partner and may not actually have much regard for her. Both ignoring that reality. Men, on the other hand, despite their pursuit of sex, do not want ot see themselves as buyers of sex. To be wanted for a paycheck is untenable, and even in partnerships where the woman/wife is employed and financially able to support herself the idea he's wanted (solely) for a roof and full fridge is unsettling. Johns and prostitutes is not what they set out to achieve. Another set of differences have to do with the reasons why people date. Marriage is not the only (scriptural) reason, but it is the one most commonly employed and, therefore, the one most commonly getting in the way f a better relationship. Two people can date just to have fun. That is a perfectly legitimate reason for going on one date or ten. Other reasons include, but are not limited to, getting to know oneself, getting to know another/others, learning about relational growth, and worshipping God (that is the one that raises the most eyebrows). Another difference is that neither men nor women are monolithic. Sadly, the reality of gender (masculinity and femininity) is being abused in western politics with the (statistical and normative) extremes being asserted as normal and healthy. Some men are "warriors," some are "priests." An Abraham is not Moses, nor a Peter a Paul and often times false images are incorrectly held out as the standard. Not all women are Deborahs any more than all Marthas are Marys. The blood-thirsty berserker is just as much a perversion of the warrior archetype as the coward. "
Macho man" is an oxymoron, and if you disagree then I will knock you on your butt to prove it
.
Lastly, there are enormous differences in our upbringings, and sadly, more and more men and women are being raised in single parent families, so they lack the decades of emulation those raised in nuclear or extended families may have observed and practiced. Statistically speaking, the most successful marriages are second-borns married to second-borns
. I'm a first-born married to a first-born
.
Simply put, the difference between men and women are enormous, and they pose challenges for everyone, but different challenges. The he and the she must work to become a we, and a we they can both enjoyably live with for a lifetime. We wed in a minute, but it takes a lifetime to have a marriage. You're not successful until one of you dies
.
