When Married Women Flirt

[WolfGate]

I like my new church. More than that, I respect the members of my new church. It isn't over the top or unnecessarily demonstrative, but there is a strong but quiet faith which is so unique compared to the previous "megachurch" I used to attend.

One ongoing issue however is one of married women flirting with me. There aren't many single young women who attend, if any, and I've come to accept that. I feel a little "guilty" when ignoring women are overtly flirting. Normally, I am friendly to everyone but I want to set appropriate boundaries, especially at church, but not quite sure how to do that with flirty married women.

I suppose I could just "go along with it" but that wouldn't feel right to me. But if I'm somewhat cold and distant that doesn't feel "right" either. I think the easiest solution is simply to avoid them whenever possible and simply be polite but avoid extended conversations otherwise when interaction is necessary. What do you think?

Others have covered that you might be misinterpreting, and I agree with them, but let's for a second assume she is actually flirting with you. Let's also assume it is only flirting, meaning she isn't hoping to act on anything beyond that. There is a path between the two you mentioned (go along with it or avoid whenever possible) that serves well in lots of situations.

First, make sure you are clear on the person, the follower of Christ, you strive to be. When you are clear on that, commit to taking actions that are in full integrity with the person you are striving to be. Second, train yourself in every situation with women to recognize and respond to them as fellow believers made in the image of God, just as you are.

Much of the past training in the church, which had good intentions, taught men to resist temptation and stay out of trouble by avoiding women either entirely or partially. This had a couple of unintended effects. One is that it trains men to see women as primarily something other than siblings in Christ. Instead they become objects of risk to be avoided. That leads to the another unintended effect, in that is doesn't train men to deal with our own hearts and minds and actions in avoiding temptation or improper situations, but instead trains us to minimize someone else by transferring the solution to our sin nature from ourselves to them.

You are responsible for your actions, not hers. She is responsible for her actions, not yours. If you act in ways that align with the integrity of who you strive to be, while treating her as an equal sibling made in the image of God, then you how you respond will neither provide positive reinforcement of her flirting nor will it deprive you or her from engaging appropriately in any ministry or fellowship at your church. Sounds simple, and I realize doing that perfectly doesn't always happen, but it is a path that can be learned with experience and reading the situation.

 

[The Narrow Way]

Mutual responsibility isn’t causation. Addictions are borne through sin and susceptibility. You can’t plant a hook without a hole. The void is the door. Not the other.

You can’t be ensnared without it. Temptation is the warning. It alerts you to your propensity in that area. You can’t be swayed by a seductress unless something within you resonates with her behavior. That holds true for everything.

Fill the void and you’ll solve the problem. That’s how you overcome. It can’t be contingent on the other person’s behavior. You must slay the dragon within. Whether they change or not.

Jesus gave this warning for a reason ~ "But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea." Matthew 18:6.

Yes, men must be strong enough to withstand temptations from a seductive woman, but if they are not, and that woman causes them to sin, it would be better that a "millstone were tied around her neck and she was thrown into the depths of the sea."

 

[Hazelelponi]

Jesus gave this warning for a reason ~ "But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea." Matthew 18:6.

Yes, men must be strong enough to withstand temptations from a seductive woman, but if they are not, and that woman causes them to sin, it would be better that a "millstone were tied around her neck and she was thrown into the depths of the sea."

If the man were indeed innocent as a child the mere presence of a kind woman in church with her husband wouldn't be a stumbling block.

 

[bèlla]

Yes, men must be strong enough to withstand temptations from a seductive woman, but if they are not, and that woman causes them to sin, it would be better that a "millstone were tied around her neck and she was thrown into the depths of the sea."

The omission of personal responsibility in your comments is unbiblical. We’re expected to obey the Lord. We don’t get a pass because we’re weak, tempted, etc.

Did that happen in the garden? No.

Choices have consequences. Whether we agree is immaterial. We’re not making the rules. God is!

 

[The Narrow Way]

The omission of personal responsibility in your comments is unbiblical. We’re expected to obey the Lord. We don’t get a pass because we’re weak, tempted, etc.

Did that happen in the garden? No.

Choices have consequences. Whether we agree is immaterial. We’re not making the rules. God is!

Where did I say anything about anyone getting a pass?

 

[bèlla]

Where did I say anything about anyone getting a pass?

That’s implied in your responses. You’ve placed the onus on women.

“If women were reserved as they should be, men would never think they were flirting.”

But the Lord says otherwise.

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness…

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.

He expects us to control ourselves and there aren’t any caveats.

 

[Michie]

I like my new church. More than that, I respect the members of my new church. It isn't over the top or unnecessarily demonstrative, but there is a strong but quiet faith which is so unique compared to the previous "megachurch" I used to attend.

One ongoing issue however is one of married women flirting with me. There aren't many single young women who attend, if any, and I've come to accept that. I feel a little "guilty" when ignoring women are overtly flirting. Normally, I am friendly to everyone but I want to set appropriate boundaries, especially at church, but not quite sure how to do that with flirty married women.

I suppose I could just "go along with it" but that wouldn't feel right to me. But if I'm somewhat cold and distant that doesn't feel "right" either. I think the easiest solution is simply to avoid them whenever possible and simply be polite but avoid extended conversations otherwise when interaction is necessary. What do you think?

Do you have an example of this alleged flirting?

 

[The Narrow Way]

That’s implied in your responses. You’ve placed the onus on women.

“If women were reserved as they should be, men would never think they were flirting.”

But the Lord says otherwise.

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness…

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.

He expects us to control ourselves and there aren’t any caveats.

I think you are reading only part of my posts...

On an earlier post I said, "That's all true....but that doesn't license women to become tempters. Just as men must have self control and turn away from the tempters, so women should refuse to be tempters...there is a responsibility on BOTH sides."

And on another post I said, "Yes, men must be strong enough to withstand temptations from a seductive woman, but if they are not, and that woman causes them to sin, it would be better that a "millstone were tied around her neck and she was thrown into the depths of the sea."

No where have I said or implied that men get a pass if they fall because of a seductive woman. I am saying that if a seductive woman tempts a man to fall, SHE TOO, will be punished.

 

[bèlla]

I think you are reading only part of my posts...

Have you considered the possibility it never happened? You’ve been married a long time. It’s a different world now.

I’ve had men fabricate scenarios in their head. Some believed we were destined to be together. God told them. Some wouldn’t take no for an answer. They were detached from reality.

It isn’t uncommon for some to develop one-sided attachments they maintain for long durations. I’ve experienced it. They see someone they like and latch on.

 

[Sophrosyne]

If you are truly convinced she is flirting I would contact your pastor or an elder of the church and privately relate your concerns as they could check into it for you and determine if your concerns are warranted.

 

[tjrevelations]

These types of interactions are discouraging. It was a relief to get away from my previous church because of the temptress issue. The larger the church the more often it occurs.

I've noticed that flirty married women will ONLY refrain from flirtatious behavior when they are with their children. The presence of their husband is not enough. It seems women have more respect for their children than their husbands.

I am now starting to second guess whether this second church is for me either. I do believe that I am growing spiritually in my new church. However, the temptress issue as well as the pressure to join the small groups is becoming a bit of a drag.

I feel pressure both to do the wrong thing as well as excessive pressure to do the "right thing." Yes, it's a good idea to join a small group but it should be my choice.

I am mulling my options once again. Driving out of town an hour or more doesn't seem to make much sense. Going church shopping isn't especially appealing to me at this point either. I will almost certainly face the same issues at any church I go to.

I really wish church could be a refuge from the pressures of life but more and more it seems like the amount of differentiation between church and the "outside world" continues to dwindle.

I know I've railed against social isolation and excessive reliance on the internet and technology in general but instances like these give me greater insight as to why an increasing percentage of people retreat.

The church has become more and more decadent over time, more materialistic, and increasingly unable to respond in an effective, energetic way not only to mundane sin but whoppers like the corona hoax.

Perhaps the next couple of weeks will be a period of retrenchment and reflection. I think I will miss church if I don't attend, and maybe that will be enough for me to want to return and deal with the pressures.

This sucks: church is just becoming one more stressor in my life!

 

[tjrevelations]

If women were reserved as they should be, men would never think they were flirting.

These women know that at church, their husbands must curtail their instinctive impulse to anger in any overt way and sadly some women exploit this sense of honor in their husbands.

It creates a sense of humiliation in their husbands and it is disgraceful to witness women engaging in this type of behavior.

Note that I am not claiming ALL women at church engage in this type of behavior--very far from it. But the few who do can create a sense of pall and taint one's entire view of the church.

OTOH, some women fight the impulse to engage in flirtatious behavior with ferocity which can make for an equally tense situation. They become angry and defensive and cannot muster the effort to be welcoming and courteous, hence they go too far in the opposite direction.

This notion therefore that women can never or rarely flirt or have sexual desire for any man aside from their husband is both dangerous and naive. The divorce rate for both christian and especially for non christian married couples is very high.

The number of divorcees was so high at my previous church that they scheduled multiple "support groups" for such women every quarter. These groups would not exist unless the demand was there.

 

[The Narrow Way]

Have you considered the possibility it never happened? You’ve been married a long time. It’s a different world now.

I’ve had men fabricate scenarios in their head. Some believed we were destined to be together. God told them. Some wouldn’t take no for an answer. They were detached from reality.

It isn’t uncommon for some to develop one-sided attachments they maintain for long durations. I’ve experienced it. They see someone they like and latch on.

I have no reason to think that this was an imagined case.

 

[Hannah66]

even if the women were single,flirtation is a sin. I would be like Joseph and running."And she caught him by his garment, saying, Lie with me: and he left his garment in her hand, and fled, and got him out" (Genesis 39: 11–12)" When I was married i never talked to another man unless my husband was present.

 

[The Narrow Way]

even if the women were single,flirtation is a sin. I would be like Joseph and running."And she caught him by his garment, saying, Lie with me: and he left his garment in her hand, and fled, and got him out" (Genesis 39: 11–12)" When I was married i never talked to another man unless my husband was present.

I agree, Hannah....FLIRTATION is SIN. I don't believe though that it's wrong for married women to talk with other men. I agree, one must be careful to not be a stumbling block or give anyone cause to think wrong thoughts....but you can go too far the other way, too.

 

[JohnPaul88]

Just ignore her @tjrevelations, it's the best thing, just be polite but don't give her a reason to continue her behavior, whether it's being friendly or flirting it's best not to find out which one she is being.

 

[JohnPaul88]

These types of interactions are discouraging. It was a relief to get away from my previous church because of the temptress issue. The larger the church the more often it occurs.

I've noticed that flirty married women will ONLY refrain from flirtatious behavior when they are with their children. The presence of their husband is not enough. It seems women have more respect for their children than their husbands.

I am now starting to second guess whether this second church is for me either. I do believe that I am growing spiritually in my new church. However, the temptress issue as well as the pressure to join the small groups is becoming a bit of a drag.

I feel pressure both to do the wrong thing as well as excessive pressure to do the "right thing." Yes, it's a good idea to join a small group but it should be my choice.

I am mulling my options once again. Driving out of town an hour or more doesn't seem to make much sense. Going church shopping isn't especially appealing to me at this point either. I will almost certainly face the same issues at any church I go to.

I really wish church could be a refuge from the pressures of life but more and more it seems like the amount of differentiation between church and the "outside world" continues to dwindle.

I know I've railed against social isolation and excessive reliance on the internet and technology in general but instances like these give me greater insight as to why an increasing percentage of people retreat.

The church has become more and more decadent over time, more materialistic, and increasingly unable to respond in an effective, energetic way not only to mundane sin but whoppers like the corona hoax.

Perhaps the next couple of weeks will be a period of retrenchment and reflection. I think I will miss church if I don't attend, and maybe that will be enough for me to want to return and deal with the pressures.

This sucks: church is just becoming one more stressor in my life!

You needn't stop going to church, just ignore her that is all, it's that simple and sit away from her.

 

[readywriter]

I like my new church. More than that, I respect the members of my new church. It isn't over the top or unnecessarily demonstrative, but there is a strong but quiet faith which is so unique compared to the previous "megachurch" I used to attend.

One ongoing issue however is one of married women flirting with me. There aren't many single young women who attend, if any, and I've come to accept that. I feel a little "guilty" when ignoring women are overtly flirting. Normally, I am friendly to everyone but I want to set appropriate boundaries, especially at church, but not quite sure how to do that with flirty married women.

I suppose I could just "go along with it" but that wouldn't feel right to me. But if I'm somewhat cold and distant that doesn't feel "right" either. I think the easiest solution is simply to avoid them whenever possible and simply be polite but avoid extended conversations otherwise when interaction is necessary. What do you think?

Do not sharply rebuke an elder,
but exhort as a father,
and the younger ones as brothers,
older women as mothers,
the younger as sisters
in all purity.'
(1 Timothy 5:1-2)

Hello @tjrevelations,

Yes, set your boundaries, not only for your sake, but for the sake of the women concerned. Very often women are not aware of the effect they are having, and would be shocked to think that their open manner was being interpreted as flirting. We are told in Scripture that women are the weaker sex. So be kind and considerate to them, by keeping a healthy distance.

That is what loving one another is all about. Being considerate of another's needs above your own.

Thank you
In Christ Jesus
Chris (female)

 

[tjrevelations]

I forgot to mention that another married woman is also being flirtatious. She is one of the co-leaders of the small groups that another church member is strongly recommending I attend. Hence, my reluctance to attend that small group.

A large percentage of the church volunteers are women. All of them are friendly, greet church members, answer questions, etc. It is very easy to notice the difference between those being kind church members vs those who are flirtatious and pushing boundaries.

 

[WolfGate]

I forgot to mention that another married woman is also being flirtatious. She is one of the co-leaders of the small groups that another church member is strongly recommending I attend. Hence, my reluctance to attend that small group.

A large percentage of the church volunteers are women. All of them are friendly, greet church members, answer questions, etc. It is very easy to notice the difference between those being kind church members vs those who are flirtatious and pushing boundaries.

I'm curious. How do you tell the difference?