- Sep 2, 2018
- 2
- 5
- 25
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
Hello, all. I just started this forum account, mostly so that I could share what spins and cycles through my mind with some other Christians, who will be able to shed wisdom and light on what I am questioning.
I consider myself a Christian, as I was saved as a child and saw fruit in my life. I believed (and still do 100% believe) that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and through Him alone (under grace) am I saved. I know that when I get to the pearly gates, it will be by Christ alone that I am allowed in.
However, 8+ months ago, I hit an extremely low point in my faith. I have struggled with sexual desires and struggles since age 15-16, and sexual struggle seems to be the thorn in my flesh. Essentially, my discovery of porn and masturbation evolved into what became, 8 months ago, an addiction that involved me having sexual encounters with people on a daily basis, almost for a sense of worth. I hate to let my diagnosis rule me, but I know I do have OCD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, symptoms of Bipolar 2 disorder, and Major Depression. A lot of these played a part in turning my general struggle with sexual temptation into this sort of compulsion I felt a NEED to do to feel worthy. It ended in a scare that I might have contracted HIV, and I was left feeling HOPELESS. It was here that I literally got on my knees and begged God for forgiveness and repented.
During this time, I remember telling myself "I don't really know what I believe anymore," almost as a means to justify my behavior and distance myself from God. I know this thread isn't really about apostasy, but I sometimes am afraid that my verbal renunciation of Christ here was me apostasizing (spelling?). However, I know Peter denied Christ verbally, but had a HEART of repentance, which differentiated him from someone like Judas. In my heart, I know I KNEW God was there, and that he was the one and only truth, but I willingly sinned. And Hebrews 10:26 spooks me because I feel that I DID deliberately sin during this time.
Moreover, the reason I am posting this now is because even though the past 8 months have been FILLED with tons of new victories and progress, I recently had some struggles with looking at porn, and I remember feeling this aching feeling telling me "NO!" as the videos started to load. I didn't renounce my faith there, but I did push the feelings aside, and told myself "one more time". The idea that I willingly sinned here scares the crud out of me. I have cried out to God in grief and have simply cried "Help me." I know that there is nothing I can do, and it is by grace alone. Verses in Hebrews like 10:26 and 6:4-6 just naturally scare me and make me wonder if I will be beyond the grace I FEEL like I have. It's scary.
But I also know that I have OCD pretttttty bad and I can't let myself cycle through the thoughts, so getting it out on a forum I think is what I need to do. I know I believe and trust in Him, and I truly regret my sin. I think most of us willingly sin every day. We tell ourselves "one more bite" or "one more sip", even though we KNOW it's not what we should be doing morally.
I should also mention that my sexual struggle is pretty complex, in that I am also SSA (Same-Sex Attracted). The idea that I will likely have to live a life of celibacy is very difficult. And I think being SSA makes a sexual struggle 10x harder, because I don't have an outlet for my passions. Paul advises men to marry to have an outlet for their lusts and passions, and I don't have that. It's a daily battle, and I have made a lot of progress. I know it will be a life-long battle, and I can't beat myself up when I make a mistake like I did today. It's just that it was WILLINGLY, and I went against the Holy Spirit's prompting.
So I realize that I kind of spilled out my whole testimony on this post, but this is what I am feeling, and what I think about daily. I LOVE GOD AND REALLY DO BELIEVE THAT HE IS THE WAY but I willingly. sin. and. it. breaks. me. At least I think it does. What if this is all a "feeling" and I have been tricking myself? That's a scary thought, isn't it? I'm just going to dismiss that question.
I don't really want to go through and edit this post, so I am going to post it. I would really appreciate any answers you all can provide to the question of what it means to willingly sin, and how does it pertain to salvation and being beyond God's grace? IDK. SPEAK TRUTH! lol.
I consider myself a Christian, as I was saved as a child and saw fruit in my life. I believed (and still do 100% believe) that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and through Him alone (under grace) am I saved. I know that when I get to the pearly gates, it will be by Christ alone that I am allowed in.
However, 8+ months ago, I hit an extremely low point in my faith. I have struggled with sexual desires and struggles since age 15-16, and sexual struggle seems to be the thorn in my flesh. Essentially, my discovery of porn and masturbation evolved into what became, 8 months ago, an addiction that involved me having sexual encounters with people on a daily basis, almost for a sense of worth. I hate to let my diagnosis rule me, but I know I do have OCD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, symptoms of Bipolar 2 disorder, and Major Depression. A lot of these played a part in turning my general struggle with sexual temptation into this sort of compulsion I felt a NEED to do to feel worthy. It ended in a scare that I might have contracted HIV, and I was left feeling HOPELESS. It was here that I literally got on my knees and begged God for forgiveness and repented.
During this time, I remember telling myself "I don't really know what I believe anymore," almost as a means to justify my behavior and distance myself from God. I know this thread isn't really about apostasy, but I sometimes am afraid that my verbal renunciation of Christ here was me apostasizing (spelling?). However, I know Peter denied Christ verbally, but had a HEART of repentance, which differentiated him from someone like Judas. In my heart, I know I KNEW God was there, and that he was the one and only truth, but I willingly sinned. And Hebrews 10:26 spooks me because I feel that I DID deliberately sin during this time.
Moreover, the reason I am posting this now is because even though the past 8 months have been FILLED with tons of new victories and progress, I recently had some struggles with looking at porn, and I remember feeling this aching feeling telling me "NO!" as the videos started to load. I didn't renounce my faith there, but I did push the feelings aside, and told myself "one more time". The idea that I willingly sinned here scares the crud out of me. I have cried out to God in grief and have simply cried "Help me." I know that there is nothing I can do, and it is by grace alone. Verses in Hebrews like 10:26 and 6:4-6 just naturally scare me and make me wonder if I will be beyond the grace I FEEL like I have. It's scary.
But I also know that I have OCD pretttttty bad and I can't let myself cycle through the thoughts, so getting it out on a forum I think is what I need to do. I know I believe and trust in Him, and I truly regret my sin. I think most of us willingly sin every day. We tell ourselves "one more bite" or "one more sip", even though we KNOW it's not what we should be doing morally.
I should also mention that my sexual struggle is pretty complex, in that I am also SSA (Same-Sex Attracted). The idea that I will likely have to live a life of celibacy is very difficult. And I think being SSA makes a sexual struggle 10x harder, because I don't have an outlet for my passions. Paul advises men to marry to have an outlet for their lusts and passions, and I don't have that. It's a daily battle, and I have made a lot of progress. I know it will be a life-long battle, and I can't beat myself up when I make a mistake like I did today. It's just that it was WILLINGLY, and I went against the Holy Spirit's prompting.
So I realize that I kind of spilled out my whole testimony on this post, but this is what I am feeling, and what I think about daily. I LOVE GOD AND REALLY DO BELIEVE THAT HE IS THE WAY but I willingly. sin. and. it. breaks. me. At least I think it does. What if this is all a "feeling" and I have been tricking myself? That's a scary thought, isn't it? I'm just going to dismiss that question.
I don't really want to go through and edit this post, so I am going to post it. I would really appreciate any answers you all can provide to the question of what it means to willingly sin, and how does it pertain to salvation and being beyond God's grace? IDK. SPEAK TRUTH! lol.