Virgin rejects non-virgin: acceptable or not?

[vortigen84]

This is in response to a discussion I was having on another thread, I want to continue to explore this idea further:


Do you think a virgin can rightly call off or pass on a relationship with someone else because that someone is not a virgin? (Assume both parties are Christian.)

Some say no, because a virgin can only do that if they are being unforgiving and unloving, which is not Christlike.

I say yes, because there may be factors other than simple moral judgement, for example lack of trust by the virgin.

What say you?


By extension, when it comes to selecting a spouse, what constitutes righteous and unrighteous criteria for you to base your choice on? For example, is it sin to make your choice based on anything other than character or virtue? Or could you rightly pass on someone because they don't meet your pre-existing standard of beauty and attractiveness?

 

[fm107]

Beauty and attractiveness is the first thing which draws someone to someone else (in my opinion). THEN you speak to them and see what their personality is like. Finding your match is an accumulation of things, not just character and virtue.

For the Christian however, the one most important thing is that he she is saved:

2 Corinthians 6:14
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

I think though there are some more spiritual people who don't care so much about the beauty on the outside, instead they search for inner beauty as described in this verse:

1 Peter 3:3-4
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

Overall, what is righteous criteria for your choice is this: is it God's choice for you?

As for refusing to marry a non-virgin, well that's a person's choice.

Perhaps the non-virgin has repented of their sin and their walk with God is how it should be, perhaps it's better than yours? They have even been honest and open enough to tell you that they have had pre-marital sex in the past. We all sin in different ways. With all this said though, perhaps the virgin wants to marry a virgin. The non-virgin has given something away which belonged to her future husband so for the virgin, perhaps he wants a woman who has not been with any other man. That for me is understandable and I would think twice about marrying someone who turned out to have lost their virginity. Not to say I don't fail at times in my life but because I suppose, I don't like the idea that someone else has had sex with what would have been my wife.

 

[seeingeyes]

I think anyone should be able to call off a pre-marriage relationship at any time for any reason.

If person X feels like their partner has had too many past sexual encounters, or if person Y feels that their partner has had not enough sexual encounters, or if person Z thinks that their partner has too much nose hair, they should all be free to bail. There is no biblical mandate along these lines for selecting a mate.

Now, that being said, if I were a virgin, and I found out that the guy I was interested in bailed out on some other girl for the sole reason that she had had one sexual encounter ten years ago, that would certainly speak to his character, and I would question his capacity for forgiveness (which I believe is the primary quality of all successful marriages). So I'd most likely bail.

Let me turn this around a bit:
If you just can't get over the fact that the lovely Christian woman you just met spent all of her formative years working in a brothel, then no, you shouldn't force yourself to marry her out of some self-righteous pseudo-forgiveness. You need to work on the real deal. But in the meantime, you should set her free to find someone who won't look at her with wonky eyes every time she gets into bed.

 

[blackjellybean]

I think anyone should be able to call off a pre-marriage relationship at any time for any reason.

If person X feels like their partner has had too many past sexual encounters, or if person Y feels that their partner has had not enough sexual encounters, or if person Z thinks that their partner has too much nose hair, they should all be free to bail. There is no biblical mandate along these lines for selecting a mate.

Now, that being said, if I were a virgin, and I found out that the guy I was interested in bailed out on some other girl for the sole reason that she had had one sexual encounter ten years ago, that would certainly speak to his character, and I would question his capacity for forgiveness (which I believe is the primary quality of all successful marriages). So I'd most likely bail.

Let me turn this around a bit:
If you just can't get over the fact that the lovely Christian woman you just met spent all of her formative years working in a brothel, then no, you shouldn't force yourself to marry her out of some self-righteous pseudo-forgiveness. You need to work on the real deal. But in the meantime, you should set her free to find someone who won't look at her with wonky eyes every time she gets into bed.

I found this answer edifying.

Thank you.

 

[gideon123]

if you're not comfortable marrying someone ... DON'T marry them.
marriage is for a lifetime. do it for the right reasons.

HOWEVER - I did not say that I agreed with the attitudes being expressed in the original question. I don't. they smack of inexperience in a relationship. for me personally, if someone was that naive about relationships, I wouldn't marry them anyway. they don't know enough to make a real commitment. why on earth would it matter whether your future husband or wife was a virgin???

you marry someone because you love them. that means you really accept who they are, all the goods and bads. if you are so put out by the fact that they are not a virgin - that would tell me that you never understood that person in the first place. you were only in love with an "image". real love will overcome any barrier.

gideon123

 

[parsley]

It's such a personal thing, I don't think it can be debated properly. I've heard of people who didn't want to commit to someone because of their hair length, voice, sense of humor... It's a decision to live with someone for a very long time. If there's something a person isn't comfortable with, they have the right to make that decision for themselves.

"If person X feels like their partner has had too many past sexual encounters" - a good reason.

I do remember the thread, though, and there seemed to be more to it than comfort levels.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I don't think it is wrong to reject someone based on their virginity status or your perception of their attractiveness. If you can't get past things like that, then you are doing yourself and them a favor by passing up a relationship with them.

 

[Annie Mouse]

I basically agree that yes, it's up to the individual.
Some people are very bothered by certain factors or aren't comfortable with them.

Some people get "ruled out" for reasons that they REALLY have no control over, such as their skin color, or their height, etc. Virginity, at least, people generally do have some control over. Some people get ruled out because of their lack of education, or because they are too educated, or whatever. Personal preference and personal choice factor into it a lot.

That doesn't necessarily make it fair, of course, but that's life, at times.
I knew an older guy who'd spend his youth sleeping around, and then in his fifties, he felt ready to marry. However, he exclusively went after much younger women who were in their twenties and thirties. He became really angry when someone suggested he date someone closer to his age. He thought women his age weren't worth his time.

 

[Raiyuu]

This is in response to a discussion I was having on another thread, I want to continue to explore this idea further:


Do you think a virgin can rightly call off or pass on a relationship with someone else because that someone is not a virgin? (Assume both parties are Christian.)

Some say no, because a virgin can only do that if they are being unforgiving and unloving, which is not Christlike.

I say yes, because there may be factors other than simple moral judgement, for example lack of trust by the virgin.

What say you?


By extension, when it comes to selecting a spouse, what constitutes righteous and unrighteous criteria for you to base your choice on? For example, is it sin to make your choice based on anything other than character or virtue? Or could you rightly pass on someone because they don't meet your pre-existing standard of beauty and attractiveness?

My ex boyfriend had told me that if I were to lose my virginity then he wouldn't want to marry me. I was a little offended by his words but later on came to the same conviction that if he were no longer a virgin I wouldn't want to marry him either. I don't know whether or not this is right but it was just true with us as a couple. I couldn't bring myself to marriage with him if he lost it even though I cared for him deeply. It's a heart thing. :/ (I know that doesn't make any sense lol)

I think if you were to solely base seeking a spouse on looks without judging godliness or character at all then it becomes unrighteous. That would lead to someone picking up any unbeliever just because he or she is attractive. However, if you were to judge on godliness, character and attractiveness then it will still be righteous.

Idk but that's my two cents, I wonder what God thinks.

One more thing...
Some guy had told me that it was God's will for me to marry him and I found him unattractive (and scary). I remember crying to God because I didn't not want it to be so. Do you think that that would that be unrighteous if he were actually a Christian?

 

[seeingeyes]

One more thing...
Some guy had told me that it was God's will for me to marry him and I found him unattractive (and scary). I remember crying to God because I didn't not want it to be so. Do you think that that would that be unrighteous if he were actually a Christian?

Not in the least bit unrighteous. If he says that God wants to him to marry you, and you don't want anything to do with him, then he needs to take it up with God. Period.

 

[ChrisHolland619]

God judges sin, not you. So let the past be the past, and the present be the present. If a Christian lost his or her virginity, then guess what, they sinned, and Christ forgave them. Get off your high horse and let Christ deal with sin.

Can I not be friends with a murderer who turned to Christ, because he once killed a man? That's nonsense. We forgive, just like Christ forgave us. If you think otherwise, you're wrong, and you're going against what the Word of God says.

 

[GravyTrain2012]

God judges sin, not you. So let the past be the past, and the present be the present. If a Christian lost his or her virginity, then guess what, they sinned, and Christ forgave them. Get off your high horse and let Christ deal with sin.

Can I not be friends with a murderer who turned to Christ, because he once killed a man? That's nonsense. We forgive, just like Christ forgave us. If you think otherwise, you're wrong, and you're going against what the Word of God says.

^ Exactly this. "14 For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions." -Matthew 6:14-15 Obviously not acceptable.

 

[blackjellybean]

^ Exactly this. "14 For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions." -Matthew 6:14-15 Obviously not acceptable.

Forgiveness is free, friendship is earned.

 

[seeingeyes]

God judges sin, not you. So let the past be the past, and the present be the present. If a Christian lost his or her virginity, then guess what, they sinned, and Christ forgave them. Get off your high horse and let Christ deal with sin.

Can I not be friends with a murderer who turned to Christ, because he once killed a man? That's nonsense. We forgive, just like Christ forgave us. If you think otherwise, you're wrong, and you're going against what the Word of God says.

We aren't talking about friendships. We aren't talking about who is our neighbor and how should we treat them. We aren't even talking about looking down on the weaknesses of others, necessarily. We are talking about marriage.

Marriage is an exclusive relationship. And it's intended to be an exclusive relationship. "Forsaking all others", etc. Whoever you choose to marry, 6 billion other people must be excluded in that decision.

So what are the criteria by which these 6 billion people are excluded? That's really the heart of the question.

 

[ChrisHolland619]

We aren't talking about friendships. We aren't talking about who is our neighbor and how should we treat them. We aren't even talking about looking down on the weaknesses of others, necessarily. We are talking about marriage.

Marriage is an exclusive relationship. And it's intended to be an exclusive relationship. "Forsaking all others", etc. Whoever you choose to marry, 6 billion other people must be excluded in that decision.

So what are the criteria by which these 6 billion people are excluded? That's really the heart of the question.

Quote me a verse that explicitly states a non-virgin cannot marry someone.

 

[seeingeyes]

Quote me a verse that explicitly states a non-virgin cannot marry someone.

I never said anything like that. Not even close.

 

[ChrisHolland619]

I never said anything like that. Not even close.

Then what in the world are you going on about? People make mistakes. I'm not a virgin, I'm currently dating someone however who isn't a virgin, we are both Christians, and we will both marry each other and our relationship is glorifying to the Lord. Why? Because the past is the past, and Jesus Christ forgives sins.

 

[seeingeyes]

Then what in the world are you going on about? People make mistakes. I'm not a virgin, I'm currently dating someone however who isn't a virgin, we are both Christians, and we will both marry each other and our relationship is glorifying to the Lord. Why? Because the past is the past, and Jesus Christ forgives sins.

I never said anything about anyone needing to be a virgin... Are you responding to the right post? My whole point was that no one has the right to tell others what their criteria should be for a spouse.

 

[ChrisHolland619]

I never said anything about anyone needing to be a virgin... Are you responding to the right post? My whole point was that no one has the right to tell others what their criteria should be for a spouse.

Copied directly from your OP:

"Do you think a virgin can rightly call off or pass on a relationship with someone else because that someone is not a virgin? (Assume both parties are Christian.)

Some say no, because a virgin can only do that if they are being unforgiving and unloving, which is not Christlike.

I say yes, because there may be factors other than simple moral judgement, for example lack of trust by the virgin."

You trolling or what?

 

[blackjellybean]

Copied directly from your OP:

"Do you think a virgin can rightly call off or pass on a relationship with someone else because that someone is not a virgin? (Assume both parties are Christian.)

Some say no, because a virgin can only do that if they are being unforgiving and unloving, which is not Christlike.

I say yes, because there may be factors other than simple moral judgement, for example lack of trust by the virgin."

You trolling or what?

That wasn't her OP.