Today I feel good

[Bridgida]

I didn't take my meds last night and feel perfect. Normally with Schizophrenia, it is all about voices, but with me it is all about feelings and the voices come on second place.

I just want to talk about me, and privately I would need to pay for counseling. I tried to contact a Christian Counseling center, but haven't managed it. I try it here instead.

What I want is to talk about me and interact with other people who might have similar experiences.
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I used to get beaten up as a child. So from the age of 8 to 12 I got beaten up by a girl/boy gang, my age. And I was bad in this school. I just earned bad marks. And so it was in the next school. We moved and there it was a bit similar. Bad children and me bad in school. So I must have then developed paranoia very early on, because of it and this is what I want to talk with a therapist about it, in order to control the paranoia and any other feelings or symptoms.

I tend to hear screaming when I come into the estate I live in. Or when I know someone from another estate and I have to pass this estate. The voices years ago were telling me I should move out, in an aggressive way. I still can hear noises when I go out of the estate or go into the estate. It is not anymore so bad, but it is worth talking about.
And I take meds for 10m years now and most voices are gone or under control and I don't get agitated by paranoia.

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What else.
I suffer from fear when I go to clients or a job. I am sick of it and it cost me a lot of energy. I don't understand why I have this and I want to learn to deal with the fear better, or get no fear. Someone said I could do Karate, but I am 50 years old now. That my fear of people might have something to do with my early experiences. The problem is how do I control this?
I am here now in a different country. Of course I think of changing job, but to learn something new takes time. I think to get rid of fear is the most difficult thing. Tomorrow I will be out working with several clients and on Saturday I have a job interview. So, I think I have to find out more about fear and how to control it.

 

[splish- splash]

Im sorry you're going through this. I also do know the Lord would like to re-write your history for you.

 

[Unqualified]

I can do all things in Christ who strengthen me.
Fear not for I am with you be not dismayed for I an your God, I will strengthen yo yea, I will help you. Yea I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness. Is a 41:10
God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind. Say and believe them until feeling confident.

 

[Bridgida]

Thank you, I got an appointment for counseling next week. The last 2 weeks were not bad, the fear under control. I talked with my doctor and felt straight away better. Menas I just need counseling.

 

[Bridgida]

I start seeing a psychologist and I was talking about the same emotional issues about 15 years ago when I started to get therapy and got my meds. Now with the meds I feel guilty, weak, bad and scared. Without the meds, I feel confident. A feeling I was searching for.
And I never again want to be burdened with too many useless feelings.
So I have to go to the bank and do some shopping and go to the chemist to get my meds, but I really would like to try for a while without them. I was even searching for this word. So feeling confident is a big thing for me.

 

[Bridgida]

It is a big thing for me when I feel good, as often I can feel bad. Like this evening, I feel negative.
I often think very positively as the downside is so painful and I take medication.

 

[Bridgida]

for me feeling well is a big thing. 2 months ago I was verbally attacked by an Arab boy in Oxford Street, in London. And I was so positive that I wanted to hug him. I simply could not believe what just happened to me.
When I was mentally poorly, always depressed, feeling guilty, and scared, I should have gotten Electrochock treatment. Because the funny thing is. I had this for years since I was given Abilify.
the psychologist said I should do sport and I never did as I do housekeeping.
These days I work in a hotel whose lift is most of the time broken. Most of the time I am alone cleaning the rooms and I feel perfect. I am stable now. I still take my meds, but I am stable. No depression, no panic and just sometimes guilt feelings. So, you have to make 8 hours of sport every day, that really helps. My knees hurts, my back hurts and I get some healing for this, but I am happy.
In the past I really suffered and I really should have gotten Electro Shock treatment as it went on and on, without a brake. And no the bad feelings have stoped, I am stable now for 6 months.

 

[Bridgida]

And again I suffer for a week now with panic attacks and depression. Ok, I am not working and that plays a huge role. We got benefits and I have a month time to sort myself out. But, I actually wanted to stay home for 3 months and get creative and renovate the flat. I am just now one week not working and it is hell. I used to be there in this situation 2 years ago, and because I felt too bad I found myself a job. This job was brilliant. It was soooo hard and I worked 7 days a week, I stopped thinking and feeling bad. Brilliant, my mind was empty. The problem was at the end that the boss did not pay me anymore. Everything was alright, just not the way we all got paid. So, talking was useless. Is an Iranian hotel owner. So, I am at home try to do my things and suffer from anxiety and depression like crazy. In the past I did courses in psychology and life coaching. I can help myself but is not helpful enough. I wonder if therapists could do something for me. Terrible, I ordered my Prozac and hope I get it as soon as possible. Usually have to take Prozac, but this time I did not get it. I take it now for 2 years and wonder why I still have to take it.

I am thinking of going for Faithful counseling, but I haven't got the money in the moment.

 

[Bridgida]

And through writing here, and I contacted the samaritans, that friends are missing. I have just one friend who sleeps all the time and no other at home. I have to join some groups and attend regularly, I think. This is my conclusion. I feel better today.


For Faithful counseling you have to pay £40 a week, which is just possible if I earn money. But I will do once this is happening.

 

[Bridgida]

Is me, Brigida.
I had depression and I found out that I was confused. I questioned myself about what is good and what is bad in my life.
This is a very big thing for me, as I was always scolded as a child and bullied. So, that at the end I did not know that I was talking to myself in a bad way as well. That I saw a lot I was doing in a bad way.
What I did then 2 weeks ago was, I wrote a list of things I do and think about and put it in two groups. One for the bad, one for the good things. This helped me to see clearly that my life is ok and this calmed me down tremendously.

 

[Bridgida]

Happy Christmas to all of you. I hope the ones who are ill have a good Christmas anyway. I am still ok, but I wonder about next year. But will enjoy this fantastic time. It is cozy

and feels safe, and quiet before the next storm.

 

[Bridgida]

I had a hard time in the first quarter of this year and then my meds ran out in one month and I was without it for over a week. I got seriously depressed. Since then I have ordered my meds earlier and I write down every day how I feel. I think the danger is in the cold time of the year when everything is so grey and rainy.
I still have the idea to reduce the meds. I think I know why schizophrenics want to stop their meds. They want to battle with the demons heroically, to get rid of them. They have a job to do to figure out how to heal by themselves and to deal with real and imagined demons.

But I will stay on my meds as I feel fine as long as I take them. I plan to go to confession and I go to church most Sundays. And I love to listen to Joyce Meyer and to others.

I am a follower of Jerry Marzinski, a psychiatrist who had his own experience with the voices and wrote a book.