- Jan 18, 2019
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Hello all. I'm Nicole, but I go by Nicki.
I'm 20 years old, turning 21 in a few weeks. I realize that this thread I did is super long, so I broke it down into part 1 and part 2. Stuck in a Vicious Cycle Because of Overthinking, Part 2 is a separate thread, same title. I just really didn't want to leave anything important out.
I want to give another update on my testimony because of how much it's gotten worse. Please pray for me. I'm just caught up in so much overthinking and it's exhausting. It's this crazy back and forth thing where I just over-analyze nonstop. I just feel sick, I'm constantly in tears, and right now I have a headache. I'm going to try to cover as much as possible, but I don't want it to be too long for anybody to read. So here it goes.
My mind is a crazy messed up place. It's really difficult to explain some of the things in my mind, because one thought overlaps another and gets mixed in with another thing, and then I get to a point of feeling like I have no idea what is happening in my mind. I find myself trying to understand what's happening with me, what these thoughts are and where they're coming from, why I would be having this or that feeling about something. And the more that I try to interpret these things in my mind, the worse I feel about the situation. And I just overthink more. What is wrong with me, I ask myself. I know I struggle with serious spiritual OCD. I'm scared about it getting in the way of me getting better, growing and progressing in God's Word. I have to remember that this is not something that is impossible for God to take care of for me. God is above all these things and He is in control. But it's just so hard. I know that since the pandemic, I have been spending a lot more time thinking about God and His word, trying to get right with Him. Trying to understand what He expects of me. I believe that I am getting closer to God, and that I've gained some perspective on things through His word. But I know that the adversary is trying to trip me up in any way that He can.
I am striving to put God first. I've been learning about the importance of this. One issue I've had is that I've gotten way too caught up in the things of the world. I've had very low self-esteem since I was a child, I care way too much about what others think and say. I know that in the past, I've not always put God first. I've gotten too caught up in the things of myself and trying to imagine an ideal version of myself for people. A weird thing that I've done is that I mentally engage in heated arguments with people in different scenarios in my mind, either imaginary people or people that I've known in this life. I don't get why I do this, and it leads me into so much anger. Another thing, I've become fixated on social situations with people, the ridiculous things that people do to other people and I get caught in anger about that. And so in my anger I'll be imagining doing horrible things to these people, all kinds of things, things that I realize go under a lot of what God commands against: not to be prideful, caught up in wrath, boastful, and so on. That's what it is in a nut shell. I realize how wrong this is. And I feel ashamed. I'm trying to be honest about these things because God already knows. And I don't want to try and hide things from Him. I don't want deceit in my heart. I'm trying to remind myself that it's not about what the world thinks it's about what God thinks. I don't want to be caught up in false idolatry by focusing on other things rather than God. I don't want to be caught up in my own desires rather than what God wants for me. I've been concerned about these issues, and I believe that in the middle of my distress the Holy Spirit is trying to tell me something. He's trying to warn me about these things, which is why I'm so concerned. My priorities are definitely changing. I'm trying to focus on doing the works of the Father, keep to His commandments, asking Him to help my mind and my heart. I'm trying too to focus more on preparing myself for God's return and I realize that time is short. But I'm trying not to overthink this, but just let God lead me on the path He's created for me. Since learning more about the End Times, I've come to develop this idea that I won't even get to middle age and that things will probably end by next year, or this year even. But then I realize that we don't know when God will come back. But what I need to realize is that it could happen any moment and I need to be ready.
I am just so overwhelmed. As I try to focus on God's word, as I'm trying to learn more and strengthen my faith, my beliefs, I'm just hearing so many things in the back of my mind. Things trying to say that I don't really believe what I'm reading, that what I read means nothing to me, you can read as much as you want but you still won't believe, and that I'll never understand. As I learn about the different people that fall away from God, the wicked people, iniquitous people, then somewhere in my mind this idea that everything is talking about me, something saying, "Oh this is you, this here is you..." And then I become upset. I don't want to be caught up in these things like these other people are, I don't want to become like these people, who are separated from God. I find that I blow things out of context and I need to ask God for discernment. I overthink what He's saying and then the things in the back of my mind are trying to somehow convince me that I've become all these things, and that there's no help for me. And then I feel so defeated. That's when I remember that these are the exact things that the devil would want me to believe. Then I get the fearful thought, what if this is all me?
I'm 20 years old, turning 21 in a few weeks. I realize that this thread I did is super long, so I broke it down into part 1 and part 2. Stuck in a Vicious Cycle Because of Overthinking, Part 2 is a separate thread, same title. I just really didn't want to leave anything important out.
I want to give another update on my testimony because of how much it's gotten worse. Please pray for me. I'm just caught up in so much overthinking and it's exhausting. It's this crazy back and forth thing where I just over-analyze nonstop. I just feel sick, I'm constantly in tears, and right now I have a headache. I'm going to try to cover as much as possible, but I don't want it to be too long for anybody to read. So here it goes.
My mind is a crazy messed up place. It's really difficult to explain some of the things in my mind, because one thought overlaps another and gets mixed in with another thing, and then I get to a point of feeling like I have no idea what is happening in my mind. I find myself trying to understand what's happening with me, what these thoughts are and where they're coming from, why I would be having this or that feeling about something. And the more that I try to interpret these things in my mind, the worse I feel about the situation. And I just overthink more. What is wrong with me, I ask myself. I know I struggle with serious spiritual OCD. I'm scared about it getting in the way of me getting better, growing and progressing in God's Word. I have to remember that this is not something that is impossible for God to take care of for me. God is above all these things and He is in control. But it's just so hard. I know that since the pandemic, I have been spending a lot more time thinking about God and His word, trying to get right with Him. Trying to understand what He expects of me. I believe that I am getting closer to God, and that I've gained some perspective on things through His word. But I know that the adversary is trying to trip me up in any way that He can.
I am striving to put God first. I've been learning about the importance of this. One issue I've had is that I've gotten way too caught up in the things of the world. I've had very low self-esteem since I was a child, I care way too much about what others think and say. I know that in the past, I've not always put God first. I've gotten too caught up in the things of myself and trying to imagine an ideal version of myself for people. A weird thing that I've done is that I mentally engage in heated arguments with people in different scenarios in my mind, either imaginary people or people that I've known in this life. I don't get why I do this, and it leads me into so much anger. Another thing, I've become fixated on social situations with people, the ridiculous things that people do to other people and I get caught in anger about that. And so in my anger I'll be imagining doing horrible things to these people, all kinds of things, things that I realize go under a lot of what God commands against: not to be prideful, caught up in wrath, boastful, and so on. That's what it is in a nut shell. I realize how wrong this is. And I feel ashamed. I'm trying to be honest about these things because God already knows. And I don't want to try and hide things from Him. I don't want deceit in my heart. I'm trying to remind myself that it's not about what the world thinks it's about what God thinks. I don't want to be caught up in false idolatry by focusing on other things rather than God. I don't want to be caught up in my own desires rather than what God wants for me. I've been concerned about these issues, and I believe that in the middle of my distress the Holy Spirit is trying to tell me something. He's trying to warn me about these things, which is why I'm so concerned. My priorities are definitely changing. I'm trying to focus on doing the works of the Father, keep to His commandments, asking Him to help my mind and my heart. I'm trying too to focus more on preparing myself for God's return and I realize that time is short. But I'm trying not to overthink this, but just let God lead me on the path He's created for me. Since learning more about the End Times, I've come to develop this idea that I won't even get to middle age and that things will probably end by next year, or this year even. But then I realize that we don't know when God will come back. But what I need to realize is that it could happen any moment and I need to be ready.
I am just so overwhelmed. As I try to focus on God's word, as I'm trying to learn more and strengthen my faith, my beliefs, I'm just hearing so many things in the back of my mind. Things trying to say that I don't really believe what I'm reading, that what I read means nothing to me, you can read as much as you want but you still won't believe, and that I'll never understand. As I learn about the different people that fall away from God, the wicked people, iniquitous people, then somewhere in my mind this idea that everything is talking about me, something saying, "Oh this is you, this here is you..." And then I become upset. I don't want to be caught up in these things like these other people are, I don't want to become like these people, who are separated from God. I find that I blow things out of context and I need to ask God for discernment. I overthink what He's saying and then the things in the back of my mind are trying to somehow convince me that I've become all these things, and that there's no help for me. And then I feel so defeated. That's when I remember that these are the exact things that the devil would want me to believe. Then I get the fearful thought, what if this is all me?
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