Struggle with making friends

[peaceful-forest]

Do you all struggle to make friends or keep them? Is it supposed to be hard finding someone?

 

[.Mikha'el.]

I have a much easier time establishing friendships of sorts with people from CF and other sites than I do in the real world. As for finding someone, I gave up on that long ago, at least as far as women I know locally. I think it comes down to what social opportunities one has.

 

[Reluctant Theologian]

Do you all struggle to make friends or keep them? Is it supposed to be hard finding someone?

People who frequent this forum are statistically more likely to be socially isolated than the average believer. And the other hard truth is that people > 35 years who are still or again single do have that status for a reason ..

Introverts are probably also over-represented among the site visitors.

Personally I'm an extra-vert so I find it easy to be social - I recharge from engaging with others. Yet it's a fact that making genuine new friends becomes harder as we age. People become more set in their ways, less flexible .. and one can only maintain so many deep friendships.

The best advice I could give is to attend in-person events where you are likely to meet others who are available for a friendship, and preferably engage in bonding activities; do something with others. These could be church events, but also hobby oriented meet-ups, group holidays, reading club, etc. And of course practise your communication/empathy skills ... Friendships with men or women have different dynamics again. Work on the skills you need to maintain those friendships, ask for feedback.

Do I struggle sometimes? Yes, as my work is fairly solitary and the pool of 'healthy/communication capable and available' people is small. Your 2nd sub-question cold be read in two ways (finding a friend or a life-partner). I'm thankful for the friendships I have and do the best I can to maintain those.

 

[timewerx]

I struggle too both making and keeping friends. I'm weird and I look weird,

I found some company when I took up the hobby of inline skating. Incredibly, the Holy Spirit told me to take up the hobby. Everyone's weird in the hobby so I seemed to have fit in. Did not significantly improved my chances of meeting single women though. Better, but not significant. At least I'm out there and seeing new people through skating.

 

[Elizabeth35]

Do you all struggle to make friends or keep them? Is it supposed to be hard finding someone?

Yup! I struggle with this as well. It was so much easier to make friends when I went to school, but now as an adult I don't know where to meet people anymore. I had made friends at church when I was in my 20s, but we drifted apart and they've married and started new lives (which is great for them and I'm happy they're happy). But as a single 35 year old there just doesn't seem to be a place for me for people like me.

 

[Sketcher]

If there's a party, I'm the awkward guy in the corner talking to the other awkward guy in the corner. That's how I've made a number of friends.

 

[Reluctant Theologian]

If there's a party, I'm the awkward guy in the corner talking to the other awkward guy in the corner. That's how I've made a number of friends.

Do a course in social skills Initiate talking to others .. Being single in itself is not a reason to be awkward ... Approach people, introduce yourself and ask questions - be interested in others.

 

[d taylor]

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I have 4 or 5 really good friends and death has taken two. But really 4 or 5 is all i personally need, I am not one who needs a crowd to be around.

Being an only child i am very comfortable being by myself. Plus being a visual artist is something also requires much solitude, that is if you want to get work done.

 

[timewerx]

If there's a party, I'm the awkward guy in the corner talking to the other awkward guy in the corner. That's how I've made a number of friends.

I found kindred spirits in inline skating.

Most in our group don't talk a lot and are socially awkward. They sound like I do so I can be myself without fear of rejection.

 

[DragonFox91]

I feel like Christians s/ struggle to make friends to some extent b/c God has separated us from the world

 

[DragonFox91]

Many times awkwardness is due to being around the wrong people. God is saying hey I want you elsewhere, I have a different group for you, I have a group that will be better for you. Many times he’s using hard people to teach us different lessons. Sometimes we can’t change our situation & have to learn to love people we find challenging. Also A lot of awkwardness goes away with age.

One example I was trying to find a church. They weren’t really working out. I just was too awkward, I felt like everyone just interested in the people who can dominate a table Then I found a church. There was no awkwardness. Turns out the problem wasn’t all me. But God wasn’t silent at those churches I tried, he was teaching me a lot at the Sunday Schools & services & from the people I was interacting with

 

[Citanul]

I've found that the only way I can make friends is though having a way in which I can encounter them regularly, which allows the friendship to develop. Meeting someone, exchanging numbers, and trying to make something happens just doesn't work for me, no matter how well we may have hit it off at the time. This does mean that I can have difficulty holding onto friendships when that regular contact is no longer happening e.g. I drifted away from my schoolfriends as we all followed different paths when we left school.

Right now, my core group of friends are some people I met a weekly board game evening, and things have progressed from trying to playing regularly with each other, to arranging separate gaming sessions, to where we now do non-gaming activities together. But there was a long period where my only real social interactions were with people who were casual acquaintances at best.

 

[Citanul]

I feel like Christians s/ struggle to make friends to some extent b/c God has separated us from the world

I think it all depends on who you encounter. None of the core group I mentioned in my previous post are Christian (although I think they all went to church as kids), but it hasn't been an issue. In practical terms, my faith is treating like an interest that they don't share, just like they all have their own particular interests.

But yes, it is entirely possible that you end up meeting people who don't share your lifestyle/values, and that can make it difficult to make friends.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Yup! I struggle with this as well. It was so much easier to make friends when I went to school, but now as an adult I don't know where to meet people anymore. I had made friends at church when I was in my 20s, but we drifted apart and they've married and started new lives (which is great for them and I'm happy they're happy). But as a single 35 year old there just doesn't seem to be a place for me for people like me.

So I'm curious, how is it at the age of 35 that you hadn't found someone to marry like your friends had?

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I've found that the only way I can make friends is though having a way in which I can encounter them regularly, which allows the friendship to develop. Meeting someone, exchanging numbers, and trying to make something happens just doesn't work for me, no matter how well we may have hit it off at the time.

Although, I tend to be this way too...encountering them regularly, but this is how I wind up in the friend zone most times. They see you so much, they start to not really think of you in that way or like, they do think you're sweet, funny, charming, but when you ask them out, they are like deer in headlights taken off-guard.

They are like "Um...he just asked me out? How did that happen?"

After so much of that happening, you may be better off taking it another direction.

 

[peaceful-forest]

Wow. I did not know there were others that were in a similar situation as I am. It is good to know.

I had a couple of friends at work. The one, I felt like I was not safe around him (he is in a cult), so I stopped that friendship. The other, she is in an immoral sexual relationship with someone (she has highly prioritized this relationship); she kept ignoring me, so I stopped being friends with her.

I want to have friends at work...

 

[peaceful-forest]

People who frequent this forum are statistically more likely to be socially isolated than the average believer. And the other hard truth is that people > 35 years who are still or again single do have that status for a reason ..

Introverts are probably also over-represented among the site visitors.

How do you know this?

 

[Reluctant Theologian]

How do you know this?

Experience; both on this forum and general other internet-based forums and life in general

People who have families and a rich social life simply have less time/energy/opportunity/need to engage in extensive internet-based conversation. So by definition these people will frequent/post on this forum less than those who don't have families or those who struggle to develop or maintain social connections in real-life.

It's supported by the number of postings that revolve around subjects of anxiety/depression, even suicide (I noticed twice of those in the past month alone), struggles with friendships/relationships etc.

The demographics on this forum are an extension of internet-forums or -gaming platforms in general: socially less active people are over-represented.

For the 2nd part of my thesis ( .. and the other hard truth is that people > 35 years who are still or again single do have that status for a reason ..); that's also plainly visible from induction and extrapolation in what I observe in those people around me and including myself. There's always a reason ..

The challenge for those who are not happy with that status is to have that awareness first, and then decipher whether those reasons can be taken away. And that depends very much on the situation or person ... Some things can easily be changed, others cannot. And for some people the reluctance or inability to change is stronger than the desire/need for more/better friendships or even a relationship.

E.g. having blind spots in our personality or behaviour is a big one; as is the inability to self-reflect or receive criticism or feed-back. For any proper social friendship or relationship to work well so many things need to be in-place in a healthy way and align with the other party .. that requires proper mental/spiritual/physical/social permanent self-care. Our we willing to look in the mirror and see/hear what we don't want to hear because it may be painful?

Be blessed sister ..

The Lord has truly risen !

 

[timewerx]

I had a couple of friends at work. The one, I felt like I was not safe around him (he is in a cult), so I stopped that friendship. The other, she is in an immoral sexual relationship with someone (she has highly prioritized this relationship);

If you can resist their influences and be a positive influence in their lives, they can still be your friends .

Especially if you have activities you both enjoy doing and they're not making you do bad things, it can work.

she kept ignoring me, so I stopped being friends with her.

I hope you're not keeping on warning or advising her about her immoral relationship.

We only need to warn people once and even once is enough and this is Biblical instruction (Matthew 10:14). And if they still welcome our friendship, we can still be their friends as long as we're able to influence them positively and not the other around.

 

[peaceful-forest]

I hope you're not keeping on warning or advising her about her immoral relationship.

We only need to warn people once and even once is enough and this is Biblical instruction (Matthew 10:14). And if they still welcome our friendship, we can still be their friends as long as we're able to influence them positively and not the other around.

I don't see why be friends with her anymore. This isn't the first time she has ignored me. I don't see it beneficial to be friends with her anymore.

She is not even open to hearing about my faith in Jesus. The one time I said in front of her "I thanked God", she got mad at me. I'm sure if I said anymore, she would gladly report me to HR.

Besides, I don't think she would even want to hear the concerns I have about her immoral relationship. She is a lesbian in an immoral relationship with a woman. That group has concerning statistics on abuse and violence. While I don't want to see either of them get hurt, you can't do anything about a person that doesn't want to hear the truth.