so upset I regret getting married

[whydidigetmarried26]

hey everyone. I've been married for 2 years and nothing has been working out for us very well. He's been deployed and away for training for about 17 months out of those two years. In the beginning (before my salvation in Christ) when we were dating life was perfect. We never fought, we actually had things in common, we felt like we were on the same level, same dreams and goals, same aspirations for the most part. And we also actually had a sex life. An amazing one. Now we don't have sex. That's not because of me, I (the wife) have a ridiculously high sex drive and he doesn't have much of one at all. So idk what to do about that. I've told him before how it makes me feel so undesirable and his response every time is "I'm sorry" and he leaves it at that. That isn't the only thing wrong between us although it's a huge deal to me. After we got married I realized I married an overgrown child. He comes home from work to play video games, stare at his phone all day, and watch vulgar, horrible tv shows while letting our 1 year old scream for attention while I slave in the kitchen to feed him. Or slave in the house to make it clean and comfortable for us. And of course I have to ASK for him to help out in his own house. He knows about how I want to build a relationship with God and be as Christian and holy as possible. But how can I do that when I'm living with a man who constantly drags me from my faith?? I pray. All the time. I talk to my husband. We just moved and joined a new church a couple days ago and because I'm a "baby Christian" and very new to this life I feel very weak and unsupported. Hoping to fix that with my new fellowship. Anyway, I find myself constantly nagging, begging, crying for some help and understanding, intimacy, a spiritual change in him, maturity in him, the patience to deal with it, a change in myself to learn to accept it. I'm exhausted in this marriage and my health is dwindling. Because of all the stress I have dealt with in the last 2 years I managed to give myself an autoimmune disease. So now my body is killing itself due to stress and I am still stressed. I can't just up and leave him. That's not what God wants me to do. I just don't know what to do. I honestly feel like I married the wrong person. I honestly believe we were meant to just be distant friends. And i honestly feel like God had a different man for me. Not this overgrown boy who isn't interested in pleasing the Lord. I am very hurt and angry as I type this because I just had the last straw. I'm sad, stressed, emotional, scared, and in complete regret at this moment and I just feel trapped. As a new Christian there is a lot I don't understand yet. But I do know divorce is wrong. And I think I'm being made to deal with making the wrong choice because I was living a disobedient life against God. I have a completely upside down and backwards marriage. I should have just waited and counted on God to guide me to the right man. And now I'm stuck with the wrong one until I die. And our son who is the most precious most beautiful little thing I have ever had laid my eyes on suffers from his parents bad relationship and it breaks my heart so much that it almost confirms that I should have never settled down with this man. My son is hurting because of us and as much as I try to ignore the problems between me and his dad it still seeps out and exhausts me so much that I'm not as great a parent as I want to be. It's tears me up inside and it just kills me. I truly feel stuck and ashamed. I wish I just taken my time looking for a godly man. I wish I had never rushed into this marriage. I will have to live with this regret for the rest of my life it seems. He doesn't know that I feel like this nor will I tell him I regret marrying him. I'm not trying to break is heart but I am interested in fixing mine. He seems content with this life. He comes home gives me a kiss starts a conversation as if life is sweet peaches. It confuses and upsets me very much. He's not having an affair or anything because he has no sex drive, even if he did he's more interested in Pokemon go, ps4, texting his friends, and whatever random article he can find on his phone. He's the type of guy who is into distractions and it drives me crazy. He's the guy who walks around the house staring at his phone between tasks and even during. He's completely oblivious to what I say and do. I find myself having to repeat myself several times to him and then get upset when he does the opposite of what I asked and claims he didn't hear me. This man isn't married to me, he's married to his media. He can't even carry a conversation about real life things and that worries me. How is it that there is such a huge gap in maturity between us? Sorry for the extended rant but it has been 2 years of exhaustion and stress and unsatisfying married life. None of this was displayed when we were dating which means he put on a show and I fell for it. And now I have no way out of this misery. I don't know what to do. Please help me with some advice.

 

[ValleyGal]

while letting our 1 year old scream for attention

This isn't okay. One of you has to attend to baby. If your husband doesn't attend to baby, you need to put cooking on hold until baby's needs are met. If husband is upset by that, then he needs to attend to baby.

Your husband has checked out of the marriage. He is disengaged. He is not honoring his vows to love you and honor you for better or for worse. Your marriage is in a desperate situation, and you are hurt and resentful. Can you think of any reason he might have disengaged? Maybe when he was deployed, he had some trauma? Can you pinpoint what might have gone wrong?

a change in myself to learn to accept it.

Who said you need to learn to accept it? I disagree. Instead, what you need to do is figure out a more effective way of responding to his disengagement, where he finally gets the hint that he is losing his family (at least emotionally). Do you like to read? I suggest Boundaries or Boundaries in Marriage, both by Cloud and Townsend.

And now I'm stuck with the wrong one until I die

Wait a sec. Who said he is the wrong one? He might be just the right one, only going through some stuff right now that needs your help. This is one of those "for worse" times in traditional vows. What is the best way to love him right now? How can you love him? Is it loving to leave him disengaged from his wife and child? No. You might want to really consider (and talk it over with your pastor or another trusted friend) what will motivate him to re-engage. Once the two of you are engaged again, there might be some incredible healing and he will be a perfect "right" one!

I am interested in fixing mine.

Unfortunately, his heart might need to break in order for him to find motivation to re-engage with you. But loving him might mean that seeing his heart broken will also break your heart. If you are interested in fixing your heart and your marriage, boundaries will be necessary. He will need to get off his tech-toys. The problem is that you can't control his behaviour. You can't force him off his toys. You will have to figure out what will force him off. But that is not to say you need to be hard-nosed about it - as I said, he might have ptsd or some other legitimate reason that he has checked out. Your job is to find out what it is.

He seems content with this life.

He might be very discontent and that is why he is withdrawing. On the other hand, if he seems content and he IS content, then he needs to be shaken up by some DIScontent, whatever that looks like. Again, find his motivators. What is the most important thing in his life besides his media? Use it strategically to push him a little. But again, don't try to control him... you can only control how you respond to his disengagement.

 

[Edo]

I spent 7 years in the Navy so I'm going to approach things from that side of it. Your husband could begoing thru depression or even PTSD, not uncommon after being deployed depending on what they went through and saw. When I came back after a 10 month deployment my wife said I wasn't that same person. When I got back I drank alot, I dealt with things with alcohol and that continued for a few years till I got out. I had a co-worker whose husband got deployed for a year and said the same thing, he wasn't the same guy and he drank alot as well. I guess their were things he seen he didn't know how to deal with once he was back. She is a christian, and she finally got him to open up and talk about it. He quit drinking altogether and he went to God and became born again. While your husband isn't drinking he is using his use of social media to distract himself from something he doesn't want to talk about or deal with yet would be my guess. Is he still in? Was he in a combat zone? Does he ever talk about what he did on the deployment? If he does and was in a combat has he made peace with things? How long ago was this? Military usually offers counselling but until you are back and out of it the fray so to speak you don't sometimes know you need it, and even then some guy's just think they can handle things on their own.