Should feel ashamed, instead I feel nothing.

[ElaborateNames]

Hi everyone

Thanks for posting, and sorry it's been so long since I've replied. I have a tendency to kind of disappear from my family, forever are my friends at the time when I'm going through so dark things. I think it's easier for me to be alone in those times, because I don't really like having people worry about me. Anyway, sorry! Should have checked in on my profile sooner!

I think I'm through the recent gloom and doom though, and I've been able to make same changes in my life. I'm seeing a psychiatrist, and it's going okay, I'm hard to warm up, so it takes awhile to get me talking. I'm taking a depression medication and a mood stabilizer now, the first week I felt like a zombie, now I feel a little better. I've stopped taking drugs for two weeks, but I did have a day long relapse last Friday. Saw a doctor on Tuesday to start going over the stuff that's wrong with me physically from the years of using. I have to get some tests done Monday, so we'll see what they say, I know my Kidneys are damaged, hopefully that's it.

I quit stripping I ended up taking a friend up whose always said he'd pay for me to get my bartenders license and give me a job, so did the course, started this past Saturday. It's certainly different, and is gonna take a little time to get use to. I don't mind the people I work with, their not really my crowd, because it's more of a pop/dance music place. It's really busy though, so the money is good.

Spiritually I'm starting to search a lot more, I'm reading a lot online, have a book list to pick up, so if you have any recommendations I'd love to hear! I've actually tried praying a little, it's helped collect my thoughts at least. I work Saturday nights so it's a little tough to try and find a church, but gonna keep with the reading.

Thanks for asking Hope! I've been looking at a community college close by course schedule online, thinking I might take some classes during the summer session. That way I can see if it's something I might want to do for a career, or if it's just more of a hubby.

 

[Paul01]

...I quit stripping ...

...I'm reading a lot online, have a book list to pick up, so if you have any recommendations I'd love to hear!...

Congratulations

Anything in particular you're looking to read about? Do you know who Brian "Head" Welch is?

 

[ElaborateNames]

Thanks so much I'm still kind of in disbelief I took the plunge to get out, and I'm noticing just how strange it can be to transition. A bit scary to, but I'm hoping I can just keep on progressing. I am scared that people won't accept me because of my past, I haven't told anyone at my new job, I don't want people talking.

Oh ya! The former guitarist from Korn, I'm a fan of their music. I actually didn't read his book, but now that you mention it I should pick it up! I have a few of his solo songs on my Ipod, "God Save Me From Myself" is really, really good.

 

[Paul01]

"Save Me From Myself" is his journey from Korn to Christianity, very easy read and he doesn't hold back. I'm almost done with "Stronger" in which he talks about different passages from the Bible. His transformation was pretty inspirational for me to read. So many stories like his around, but being a metal fan for a long time, his felt more personal for me.

Stay in counseling. I've done that and it really helped me.

Praying for you

 

[Johnnz]

Well done. Different - VERY. But worthwhile for an incredibly valuable person in God's eyes.

May Father and His Son richly bless and keep you through the Holy Spirit.

John
NZ

 

[hope4today]

Hi Jess,

So glad to hear from you. It's great that you've made a move out of the sex industry. Well done!

What type of books do you like reading? Fiction? Life stories? Teaching? What kind of subjects? Will give me an idea of what to recommend.

It sounds like a great idea to do a summer course and check out your interests. That's how my middle daughter found the career she loves. Just tried it out for fun as a side thing and discovered she loved it.

I'll be praying for you Jess. Keep at the positive changes in your life. It may seem hard sometimes but it will be worth it. YOU are worth it!!

Bless you heaps

Hope

 

[ElaborateNames]

Ugh... Still not stripping thankfully, but was struggling with drugs again. I started on painkillers again two weeks ago, just stopped taking them yesterday, and boy is this withdrawal kicking me in the.... Headaches, totally feel out of it, sweaty, eh.... Stinks... I'm not going to give in though, I know I can't. So it's been a pretty stinky day...

I started reading the "Heroin Diaries" by Nikki Sixx, pretty crazy book. Picked up Heads book as well, so I at least have some reading to keep me busy. Hey Hope! I mostly like to read Fiction and Life Stories, the nerd in me picked up a lot of scifi books to! haha.

So basically just trying to stay clean right now, I don't feel good, but I know it's just in the short term. Other that just focusing on working, have to go in tonight and tomorrow, it's going pretty good, I think I'm catching on. So I'm glad I'm making some money, while not having to do what I use to do. Therapy is going pretty well to! So gonna stick with it for awhile.

Well TTYL

Jess

 

[Johnnz]

Drugs will be a struggle for a while. But that does come to an end. Hang in there. You are doing so well.

John
NZ

 

[ElaborateNames]

Thanks John : ) I was clean for a few weeks, slipped up last night though : / Gonna just try and get through the next few days. Not sure why I always do stupid stuff like this... Frustrating...

 

[Theodor1]

I'm just feeling apathetic, lonely, and sick..

God always has a plan for us. Often we are not able to figure it out for ourselves, so we just have to trust everything to God and allow Him to work it all out for us. Often this takes time and it does not always happen all at once.