Should dating couples really do devotions together

[Lizzi4Christ]

My boyfriend and I don't do devotions together. We talked about it and decided not to do them. Why?

Each of our relationship with God is the most important thing. Before our relationhip with each other, we need to keep that relationship with God first and foremost.

By doing devotions together, a couple becomes closer. I don't think I've seen a couple who have done them and haven't (although, there most likely have been some). Is it wise to become close like that to a person who you don't know if you'll be married to? At first, I didn't like the thought of that. I downright hated it. But as I though about it, I think it makes sense. When I get married, I want to have that spiritual closeness with my husband and only with him. I don't want to have shared that with any other guy, no matter how much I cared about him or even if I loved him.

Even though we don't do devotions together, we do talk about spiritual things and talk about beliefs and doctrine and sometimes pray together. I'm talking about actual devotions.

What do you think?

 

[Singin4Him]

You are VERY WISE! So many Christian couples thing in order to keep God first in their relationships they need to have devotional times and prayer times together but this just isn't true at all. Like you said, if you are keeping God first in your personal relationships then you will be keeping God first in your relationship as a couple. Many ministers say that prayer between a couple is more intimate than sex and being married I can tell you this is true, it is the most intimate thing you can do together. This can be dangerous in a dating relationship because the prayer and devotional time can turn quickly into an excuse to be alone together and grow in intimacy and that intimacy can quickly result in sexual immorality.

 

[KristianJ]

Lizzi, before I give my view, let me say that I'm unsure whether you mean dating couple specific devotions or general devotions like Morning and Evening (Spurgeon)

Personally I would not see a problem with it as long as it took the place of your personal devotion time. I wholeheartedly agree that to foster the most godly relationship with your SO, your personal times need to happen. But there is, I believe, a good purpose in occasionally talking about youe beliefs, doctrine and the like, but having it more formalised with a devotional guide. Perhaps if you're doing the same devotional series it can be good to talk about issues that you thought about and the God moved you to act upon once a week. Then you can know things that you can be praying about for them, and be able to offer your own perspectives, hence working together to enrich your understanding of God's word, and where your partner is in their walk with God. But I don't see the closeness that results from these times as anything different from any other "together" activity - IMHO, regardless of what you're doing, courting is gonna bring you and your SO closer together.

Also, I don't see any harm in a short prayer time each time that you go out or spend time together, be it at the beginning of a time when you're committing the next few hours to God, or at the end of it to thank God for the time you were able to spend together.

But in the end, to keep God at the centre of the relationship does require a personal commitment to spending time in the Lord's presence. However I don't see harm in supplementing this with activities that are centered around getting to understand God's word better, should it be going to church together, talking about issues relating to your SO's spiritual growth and maturity, or praying together for a short period. And I think that if both people were strong enough in their maturity, they would be self-disciplined enough to not let any sort of intimate longings or temptations grab hold. Just my 2 cents though

 

[sOuLifieD]

My boyfriend and I don't do devotions together. We talked about it and decided not to do them. Why?

Each of our relationship with God is the most important thing. Before our relationhip with each other, we need to keep that relationship with God first and foremost.

By doing devotions together, a couple becomes closer. I don't think I've seen a couple who have done them and haven't (although, there most likely have been some). Is it wise to become close like that to a person who you don't know if you'll be married to? At first, I didn't like the thought of that. I downright hated it. But as I though about it, I think it makes sense. When I get married, I want to have that spiritual closeness with my husband and only with him. I don't want to have shared that with any other guy, no matter how much I cared about him or even if I loved him.

Even though we don't do devotions together, we do talk about spiritual things and talk about beliefs and doctrine and sometimes pray together. I'm talking about actual devotions.

What do you think?

I agree. There are ways to keep your relationship centered on God, without partaking in devotionals together. I agree with you that it forms a bond of spiritual closeness, and I think that can be good at times, but in dating relationships it just makes it harder to break things off & I don't want to have an intimate bond like that with anyone other than who I marry.
I also think that worshiping 1 on 1 together is in the same boat with devotionals. Worship is the closest thing to my heart and to God's and I will only share that part of me when I'm married. Worshiping God together is amazing but it can cause feelings of premature closeness to stirr up, and it WILL deepen that intimate bond. I want to save that for when I'm married, or atleast getting married.
However, I do think that you can read the bible together and talk about what God's doing in your life, in moderation. I have some really good guy friends who I do that with and our relationship is totally platonic. They are like brothers to me, and I want to hear insight from my brothers. And I also think that it's right to pray to the Lord about what He might have you do, because the Lord may keep you from doing things that to others might be okay, or he may give you the instruction to allow more of what you've prohibited, if He wants your relationship to grow farther in that area.

 

[plum]

To be perfectly honest, my boyfriend and i don't do devos together because we're long distance and we just don't come up with the best discussions off of some fill-out worksheet type of devo. i don't work that way and neither does he it seems.

PRAYER brings us closer. there's nothing more intimate than seeing your partner open and vulnerable before God in complete honesty... so I would say that it depends on the couple, the goal of the couple, the seriousness of the couple, and the circumstances

 

[KristianJ]

To be perfectly honest, my boyfriend and i don't do devos together because we're long distance and we just don't come up with the best discussions off of some fill-out worksheet type of devo. i don't work that way and neither does he it seems.

I don't like worksheet type devotionals either - the ones where there is a question or likewise to consider is good, so that you're not just reading whatever the writer has said and trying to apply that to yourself instead of whatever the passage might be.

I also think that worshiping 1 on 1 together is in the same boat with devotionals.

Depends on what level the worship is at. For example, my girlfriend and I were listening to some P+W music yesterday and singing along to it, and I quite enjoyed the chance to do that. But when you define worship in this case in terms of Romans 12:1, to me it implies that worship in the context of the relationship (ie. offering yourself to God and conducting yourself in a way that is pleasing to Him) is essential. Believing that everything you do in your life is worship means to a degree means that what you're doing when you spend time with your SO should be with a worshipful attitude, not towards them of course, but towards God.

 

[Ginga]

Personally i think that the time i spend together with my SO doing devotions and praying is great, and very very beneficial for our relationship. We have never felt like the time we spend together talking about or praying to God has brought us closer together physically, and i can't really see how it can as long as you truly have God first in your relationship. If you do, then you know that any lustful thoughts, or anything along those lines is bad, and you won't place yourself in those situations again. And God will give you the strength that you require anyway. Besides, if you are doing devotions together, and your true purpose is for a Godly relationship, then i think that it would be very hard to use this time for physical intimacy. Sure you get closer to them in a Spiritual sense, but as long as you are able to guard your heart, and do everything to honour God, then i personally think that a devotion with your SO is great. But in no circumstance should you let this time you spend together replace your quite time with God, because you still need to read the bible and pray by yourself.

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

Maybe I wasn't clear.

This isn't about physical closeness. It's about spiritual closeness. With only a dating partner, yes, it could be beneficial. But is it really wise to get spiritually close with someone that you don't know that you're going to marry?

 

[invisiblebabe]

By doing devotions together, a couple becomes closer. I don't think I've seen a couple who have done them and haven't (although, there most likely have been some). Is it wise to become close like that to a person who you don't know if you'll be married to? At first, I didn't like the thought of that. I downright hated it. But as I though about it, I think it makes sense. When I get married, I want to have that spiritual closeness with my husband and only with him. I don't want to have shared that with any other guy, no matter how much I cared about him or even if I loved him.

What if the person you end up with had shared that spiritual closeness with someone else? Would it still have been worth waiting, for you?

It is interesting to see on CF how many people are (perhaps too much) idealistically concerned with "firsts." I was/am very much this way, and unfortunately, if it doesn't actualize the way you hoped it would, when it does happen... you're in for a lot of disappointment that you'd have been better off without. (This happened to me, only in a different sense)

I am not trying to spark a debate here... I just enjoy getting people to think

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

Then he suffered the heartache from it. It's about protection. I'm not all about saving stuff. I've hugged my boyfriend. I've kissed him. But when it comes to spiritual closeness, that I think is important.

 

[Singin4Him]

What if the person you end up with had shared that spiritual closeness with someone else? Would it still have been worth waiting, for you?

ABSOLUTLEY!! Just because there may be a chance that that the man or woman you marry had any type of closeness, even to go as far as saying a sexual intimacy with someone else does not me we should give all to someone before we marry. That's a very twisted way of thinking that will leave you with nothing but regret when you do find the person God has for you to marry. If you save yourself in the most precious ways for the person you marry it will be special no matter what. I know this for a fact considering I am married and I have experienced this very situation.

It is interesting to see on CF how many people are (perhaps too much) idealistically concerned with "firsts." I was/am very much this way, and unfortunately, if it doesn't actualize the way you hoped it would, when it does happen... you're in for a lot of disappointment that you'd have been better off without. (This happened to me, only in a different sense)

I am not trying to spark a debate here... I just enjoy getting people to think

Is is being idealistic or guarding ones heart? I'm sorry you personally experienced disappointment but could it be that disappointment came because it may not have been the right time or the right person? I don't think we should EVER discourage someone from guarding their hearts, where is the logic there?

 

[invisiblebabe]

ABSOLUTLEY!! Just because there may be a chance that that the man or woman you marry had any type of closeness, even to go as far as saying a sexual intimacy with someone else does not me we should give all to someone before we marry. That's a very twisted way of thinking that will leave you with nothing but regret when you do find the person God has for you to marry. If you save yourself in the most precious ways for the person you marry it will be special no matter what. I know this for a fact considering I am married and I have experienced this very situation.

Good, good. Do you think it was just as special to your husband as it was to you?

Is is being idealistic or guarding ones heart? I'm sorry you personally experienced disappointment but could it be that disappointment came because it may not have been the right time or the right person? I don't think we should EVER discourage someone from guarding their hearts, where is the logic there?

It's being overly idealistic, which serves as a problem. However, I see people in the Christian subculture encouraged to be this overidealistic... ie at one youth group I was at when I was younger, they were pretty much obsessive about the point of "let's have our first boyfriend/girlfriend be the one we marry" to the point of including it in sermons. It also can get as ridiculous as this one girl I knew... who was saving hand-holding for marriage, as well as other things like trips to the movies or something (it was several years ago, I don't remember the details... but I imagine that if/when her time comes for a relationship, she will be quite disillusioned).

There is a difference between a naive form of idealism and guarding one's heart. However, I think that sometimes Christians are encouraged to use the former to do the latter, and that is where the problem comes in.

How do you think a single person should guard his/her heart without succumbing to naive idealism? (and assume that said person has a natural inclination toward being very idealistic -- a good thing in many ways, but a challenge in others)

 

[invisiblebabe]

Then he suffered the heartache from it. It's about protection. I'm not all about saving stuff. I've hugged my boyfriend. I've kissed him. But when it comes to spiritual closeness, that I think is important.

Good good.

How about spiritual closeness with other women, what are your boundaries there? I'm curious, as I have a naturally very open personality and am extremely naturally inclined to talk about deeper, more abstract subjects (I'm INTJ according to Myers-Briggs typology, if you want more info ). around people I perceive to be theoretically inclined enough to understand my ramblings, as well as understanding and caring.... I share quite a bit. While it is, legitimately, risking heartache... I see the risk as worth it for me because I need that type of intimacy to even consider someone a friend. Again, I'm certainly an odd one in terms of personality, so it's certainly okay (and even expected) if you don't agree with me here.

Blessings
kayli

 

[Ginga]

But is it really wise to get spiritually close with someone that you don't know that you're going to marry?

I thought that the whole point of fellowship was that we could grow closer together with other Christians Spiritually. That we could feel a Spiritual closeness with our fellow brothers and sisters. If this is the case then i can't see how it isn't beneficial to grow together Spiritually. The only way that it wouldn't be beneficial is if you were combining this Spiritual closeness with other aspects of your relationship without guarding your heart.

 

[Ithilwyn]

I thought that the whole point of fellowship was that we could grow closer together with other Christians Spiritually. That we could feel a Spiritual closeness with our fellow brothers and sisters. If this is the case then i can't see how it isn't beneficial to grow together Spiritually. The only way that it wouldn't be beneficial is if you were combining this Spiritual closeness with other aspects of your relationship without guarding your heart.

Agreed! I've prayed with and had devotions with a lot of different people (both one on one and in groups), not just with the person I'm dating, so why wouldn't I do that sort of thing with him? As long as you are still guarding your heart and have your own time with God, I don't see a problem with sharing devotional time together. On the other hand, if you personally feel that sharing that time together might cause you to become too attached too early, it's a good idea to avoid. I just don't think it's something that you can make a general rule out of.

 

[Singin4Him]

Good, good. Do you think it was just as special to your husband as it was to you?

Without a doubt it was!

There is a difference between a naive form of idealism and guarding one's heart. However, I think that sometimes Christians are encouraged to use the former to do the latter, and that is where the problem comes in.

How do you think a single person should guard his/her heart without succumbing to naive idealism? (and assume that said person has a natural inclination toward being very idealistic -- a good thing in many ways, but a challenge in others)

From what you describe such as saving going to the movies, that's a bit extreme I would say. The discussion here though is spiritual intimacy and when it comes to that as well as any other form of intimacy I do not believe it is wise to get intimate with someone who you are unsure you will marry. Generally holding hands does not create a great deal of intimacy, generally just butterflies but for some people it can lead to intimacy, just as kissing can which can result in lust for many. If something causes you to sin you should stay away from it. Just as Paul says, if there is even a HINT of temptation you should FLEE from it. That is because these things can progress much faster than we realize or intend for it to.

It is not niave to refrain from things that could cause yourself or your SO to lust or things that may causes you to give away more of yourself than you intended to. This is just guarding your heart and the heart of others.

 

[invisiblebabe]

Without a doubt it was!

It is not niave to refrain from things that could cause yourself or your SO to lust or things that may causes you to give away more of yourself than you intended to. This is just guarding your heart and the heart of others.

Right... but applicable to spiritual intimacy, what actions or experiences would you consider "giving part of yourself away" spiritually, and what are merely part of natural fellowship to you? (ie praying together, reading the Bible together, theology debates)

 

[KristianJ]

Maybe I wasn't clear.

This isn't about physical closeness. It's about spiritual closeness. With only a dating partner, yes, it could be beneficial. But is it really wise to get spiritually close with someone that you don't know that you're going to marry?

This is what I assumed you were hinting towards, Lizzi. And as has been mentioned already, I feel that becoming closer on a spiritual level with all your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ is an important part of reaching maturity in Christ, no matter whether they may be in your Bible study group, a person at church who you might only talk to at supper after each service, or your dating partner. And why is that? Because the primary purpose of it should be growth in each person's relationship with God - any sort of friendship building should be more of a secondary concern. It's drawing near to God and placing the focus on Him - if your focus becomes too off track onto the person you're with, then that could be problematic. And that's why I think that dating devotions could be possibly a bit too heavy, because they might address issues that get you thinking about marriage. But a simple devotion like Daily Bread or Morning and Evening, which has a more broad spread over all aspects of Christian living, would be something good to do by yourself, and then whilst meeting up once a week or so, take some time to share anything you learned from the week and that challenged the way you view your salvation in Christ.

 

[invisiblebabe]

Because the primary purpose of it should be growth in each person's relationship with God - any sort of friendship building should be more of a secondary concern.

Hmmmmm, I disagree. Personally, in the past I have felt extremely patronized when people wanted to get to know me only to "help my walk with God." I wonder how someone could think she could do that, without wanting me as a friend and being genuinely interested in getting to know me.... I don't think it's possible.

Like my one friend who just graduated with a degree in aerospace engineering (lol, rocket science ) quoted from someone, "People have to know you care before they care what you know."

Also, friendship buiding inadvertently can lead to spiritual growth. It doesn't have to be spelled out for you.... I'm the type who can infer various things about God through situations... basically, I overanalyze everything and read into everything... but it actually helps in this case I know many times when my friendships with non-Christians actually taught me more about God than some friendships I had with Christians.

It's a balance between friendship building and active seeking of spiritual growth with others.

 

[KristianJ]

Hmmmmm, I disagree. Personally, in the past I have felt extremely patronized when people wanted to get to know me only to "help my walk with God." I wonder how someone could think she could do that, without wanting me as a friend and being genuinely interested in getting to know me.... I don't think it's possible.

Like my one friend who just graduated with a degree in aerospace engineering (lol, rocket science ) quoted from someone, "People have to know you care before they care what you know."

Also, friendship buiding inadvertently can lead to spiritual growth. It doesn't have to be spelled out for you.... I'm the type who can infer various things about God through situations... basically, I overanalyze everything and read into everything... but it actually helps in this case I know many times when my friendships with non-Christians actually taught me more about God than some friendships I had with Christians.

It's a balance between friendship building and active seeking of spiritual growth with others.

I probably should have phrased my sentence better - what you said is totally true. I guess that I wouldn't be as enthusiastic to realise that someone was merely trying to win my friendship (in contrast to what you mentioned in the first paragraph) as opposed to balancing the two aspects you've mentioned.