Shamed for Dedication to Youth Ministry

[DaughterofTheKing1029]

Hello all,
I need prayer and of course some godly advice. I have been an active member of my church for 4/5 years. As soon as I was saved and baptized God literally pulled me into my youth ministry. I have been a leader for about a year now and have become closer to the Lord more than ever. I truly love what I do, knowing that every second I spend in ministry I am working towards saving souls for His kingdom. My issue is my family (who are all believers (some), my mother is a PK) are at times shaming me or "making fun" of my devotion to doing God's will. She will say this to me like "You are doing Pastor so and so's work." "You spend too much time at the church" "Don't spend a dime for that church, let them buy things for you since you're doing their work". Am I wrong to be bothered by such statements? Since the work I do is in the name of the Lord and not in the name of my pastors. My faith is not in men but in God alone. If God had not chosen me or revealed Himself to me, I wouldn't be doing the work I'm doing now at all. I just wish she would understand what she is saying when she says those things. And she actually hasn't attended a church for a while, she'll listen to some sermons online etc, she's not active or "bearing fruit" I would say. I want to see her, as well as my whole family, be as enthusiastic about Jesus as I am..am I wrong here?

 

[Sketcher]

She's coming at it with a PK's perspective. She may be familiar with the work loads that fall on many pastors. The same ones that can take them away from their families. You're helping which should translate into giving the pastor more time, right?

 

[DaughterofTheKing1029]

She's coming at it with a PK's perspective. She may be familiar with the work loads that fall on many pastors. The same ones that can take them away from their families. You're helping which should translate into giving the pastor more time, right?

She and her father were actually very close, my entire family spent every second of the day in the church growing. Her father has now passed and they have dispersed into their own thing. She now does not currently attend a church but believes the church is taking her away from me. When really, God is just pushing me further into my calling.. I am growing as a bible teacher now so there is much more demanded of me. And yes I have meetings I have to go to like once or twice a month but aside from that, I have complete autonomy in the ministry I am in (worship). So I don't have to consult the pastor frequently or anything like that or adhere to their will. The work I do is based on my relationship with God..He provides the songs and the word I give and that's it! Nothing fancy and nothing being idolized

 

[Paidiske]

I wonder whether your mother has seen too many people burnt out and used up by the church, and is wanting to see you develop healthy boundaries early on so that doesn't happen to you?

It's easy when everything is going well and what's expected of you is within the limits of what you have to give, but when the time or money people expect you to put in is more than you can give, it can be difficult to push back, because we're all supposed to be doing it for God, after all...

One thing that can be helpful is if your role has a position description; because then the responsibilities, expectations and so on are clearly spelled out and can be referred to if later on there is scope-creep. If you don't have one, might it be worth asking that one be developed? (And then you can also make sure that there is provision in there for time away from the role, appropriate supervision and support, professional development etc... all of which volunteers need just as much as paid staff!)

 

[Mel333]

Hello all,
I need prayer and of course some godly advice. I have been an active member of my church for 4/5 years. As soon as I was saved and baptized God literally pulled me into my youth ministry. I have been a leader for about a year now and have become closer to the Lord more than ever. I truly love what I do, knowing that every second I spend in ministry I am working towards saving souls for His kingdom. My issue is my family (who are all believers (some), my mother is a PK) are at times shaming me or "making fun" of my devotion to doing God's will. She will say this to me like "You are doing Pastor so and so's work." "You spend too much time at the church" "Don't spend a dime for that church, let them buy things for you since you're doing their work". Am I wrong to be bothered by such statements? Since the work I do is in the name of the Lord and not in the name of my pastors. My faith is not in men but in God alone. If God had not chosen me or revealed Himself to me, I wouldn't be doing the work I'm doing now at all. I just wish she would understand what she is saying when she says those things. And she actually hasn't attended a church for a while, she'll listen to some sermons online etc, she's not active or "bearing fruit" I would say. I want to see her, as well as my whole family, be as enthusiastic about Jesus as I am..am I wrong here?

Maybe just be honest to your mother and family about how you feel and what your needs are in regards to cultivating a supportive environment?

She could be right in a few things she's mentioned but it could be the tone or attitude, her delivery or perhaps it's how many times you have to hear it. She is coming a place of protecting you. You're her bear cub and you're all grown up and she's dealing with some separation issues as well.

Maybe you are spending a lot of time there. Maybe you are paying for things around the church. Maybe the church is absorbing all of you. You have your church/community family and your family at home to pastor as well.

I think you just need to open the communication with her and your family on this one.

Just say something like, "I understand your concern for me and that you care about me, I am committed to the service of our community as well as my family.. Let's make some time together. Go to the movies, have dinner together.'

Maybe make some more time with them if they feel you aren't spending enough time with them.

These are just suggestions and observations made from the post provided. I hope this can help you in some way.

 

[DaughterofTheKing1029]

Maybe just be honest to your mother and family about how you feel and what your needs are in regards to cultivating a supportive environment?

She could be right in a few things she's mentioned but it could be the tone or attitude, her delivery or perhaps it's how many times you have to hear it. She is coming a place of protecting you. You're her bear cub and you're all grown up and she's dealing with some separation issues as well.

Maybe you are spending a lot of time there. Maybe you are paying for things around the church. Maybe the church is absorbing all of you. You have your church/community family and your family at home to pastor as well.

I think you just need to open the communication with her and your family on this one.

Just say something like, "I understand your concern for me and that you care about me, I am committed to the service of our community as well as my family.. Let's make some time together. Go to the movies, have dinner together.'

Maybe make some more time with them if they feel you aren't spending enough time with them.

These are just suggestions and observations made from the post provided. I hope this can help you in some way.

Well when I have time away from work or working at church the thing is I do spend time at home, I do try to do things like bible study and worship with them at home. Maybe it's not enough, but the way she goes about it is as if she doesn't want me to be in the church at all. She will always tell me she is happy with me doing ministry and then will go off into how she is feeling like I don't appreciate her..so idk, i don't get it. But thanks for your answer

 

[DaughterofTheKing1029]

I wonder whether your mother has seen too many people burnt out and used up by the church, and is wanting to see you develop healthy boundaries early on so that doesn't happen to you?

It's easy when everything is going well and what's expected of you is within the limits of what you have to give, but when the time or money people expect you to put in is more than you can give, it can be difficult to push back, because we're all supposed to be doing it for God, after all...

One thing that can be helpful is if your role has a position description; because then the responsibilities, expectations and so on are clearly spelled out and can be referred to if later on there is scope-creep. If you don't have one, might it be worth asking that one be developed? (And then you can also make sure that there is provision in there for time away from the role, appropriate supervision and support, professional development etc... all of which volunteers need just as much as paid staff!)

Well define "burnt out"? Because I thought we were to be sold out to God? Things like finances even He provides so that I can give it back. I only buy things for when I'm doing projects like a few binders, maybe some ink for the printer at home, nothing crazy! lol But to my mother that is huge, that is a "depletion" of resources that can be used for other things. But I'm spending money with purpose..so whats the problem? I am a worship leader, I am also a developing teacher. Every Friday that I lead I am asked to prepare devotionals and stuff. In order to prep I not only have to live the life but I do have to take time to study..which takes time away from the family cause its going to God. I always invite them to join me but they would rather watch a movie or tv show with me instead. So I'm stuck

 

[Mel333]

Well when I have time away from work or working at church the thing is I do spend time at home, I do try to do things like bible study and worship with them at home. Maybe it's not enough, but the way she goes about it is as if she doesn't want me to be in the church at all. She will always tell me she is happy with me doing ministry and then will go off into how she is feeling like I don't appreciate her..so idk, i don't get it. But thanks for your answer

Sorry to hear, I don't know the full story.

I suggest speaking with a pastor at the church about it then if you cannot communicate your needs with your mum or speak to your dad about it. Otherwise, you'll have to endure until you can move out of home.

 

[Paidiske]

Well define "burnt out"? Because I thought we were to be sold out to God? Things like finances even He provides so that I can give it back. I only buy things for when I'm doing projects like a few binders, maybe some ink for the printer at home, nothing crazy! lol But to my mother that is huge, that is a "depletion" of resources that can be used for other things. But I'm spending money with purpose..so whats the problem? I am a worship leader, I am also a developing teacher. Every Friday that I lead I am asked to prepare devotionals and stuff. In order to prep I not only have to live the life but I do have to take time to study..which takes time away from the family cause its going to God. I always invite them to join me but they would rather watch a movie or tv show with me instead. So I'm stuck

Sure, we're meant to dedicate our lives to God. But that has to be sustainable over the long haul, over decades. Burn out - overwork to the point that it impacts your mental and physical health - is real and it happens to many, many people in ministry; more people have left ministry within five years than continue beyond that point. That's a sobering statistic that ought to prompt us to think about how we run our race... over a lifetime.

Now, you might be fine with where things are at for you now and feel it's perfectly sustainable, in which case, good! But I wondered whether - knowing what I've just said above - that might be a big part of your mother's concern. It might be worth asking her about what she's seen of burn out in ministry, and exploring her experience?

 

[DaughterofTheKing1029]

Sure, we're meant to dedicate our lives to God. But that has to be sustainable over the long haul, over decades. Burn out - overwork to the point that it impacts your mental and physical health - is real and it happens to many, many people in ministry; more people have left ministry within five years than continue beyond that point. That's a sobering statistic that ought to prompt us to think about how we run our race... over a lifetime.

Now, you might be fine with where things are at for you now and feel it's perfectly sustainable, in which case, good! But I wondered whether - knowing what I've just said above - that might be a big part of your mother's concern. It might be worth asking her about what she's seen of burn out in ministry, and exploring her experience?

That is something I've discussed with her as well. She doesn't want me to forget about things like school and stuff which I know I am not to neglect when the time comes. But, sometimes it's like she will place wordly things at the same level as the church/ministry..which cannot be compared. She has told me time and again how her father was truly dedicated to the church. Incredibly busy man, owning two churches, street preaching and whenever he had a second alone he would study God's word. He absolutely had a fight with others in the church but who doesn't have that in ministry? All in all she told me how he delighted in doing what he did.
She has told me that she has seen and know that I love what I do. So it's like mixed messages I get from her.

 

[GreekOrthodox]

From what I read is either you are at church or at home doing stuff for church, that is probably your mother's concern. Even the most dedicated church professionals have hobbies or activities that arent focused on religious activities. My own priest is a huge baseball fan, another tinkers with his car and motorcycle and my former Lutheran pastor plays role playing games.

 

[DaughterofTheKing1029]

From what I read is either you are at church or at home doing stuff for church, that is probably your mother's concern. Even the most dedicated church professionals have hobbies or activities that arent focused on religious activities. My own priest is a huge baseball fan, another tinkers with his car and motorcycle and my former Lutheran pastor plays role playing games.

Well we do spend actual time together, we spend time cooking, going out/traveling etc and being with family all the time. I also spend time with friends all the time. But I don’t get why doing “church work” is so wrong? Or doing too much of it? When did Jesus ever take a break from ministering?

 

[GreekOrthodox]

Well we do spend actual time together, we spend time cooking, going out/traveling etc and being with family all the time. I also spend time with friends all the time. But I don’t get why doing “church work” is so wrong? Or doing too much of it? When did Jesus ever take a break from ministering?

Okay it sounded like you had no other activities other than church work, and I think that has been the general concern. Burn out is a very real problem for clergy as they do a lot above and beyond what people ordinarily see.

 

[mnphysicist]

Sure, we're meant to dedicate our lives to God. But that has to be sustainable over the long haul, over decades. Burn out - overwork to the point that it impacts your mental and physical health - is real and it happens to many, many people in ministry; more people have left ministry within five years than continue beyond that point. That's a sobering statistic that ought to prompt us to think about how we run our race... over a lifetime.

This ^^^^, 1000 times this.

Sadly, it happens to a lot of very devout and committed young folks... and should some serious adversity or theological struggle occur at the same time, not only do folks walk away from church, they throw Jesus right out the window too.

Ministry work and growth have to be done with care and in low gear. Overly enthusiastic approaches as one love's God are awesome to see, but unless carefully cultivated, they can and do backfire.

I know far too many hard core atheists who were once the rising teachers of their respective churches. Burn out from overwork can make fighting or even surviving through crisis of faith nearly impossible. It doesn't matter how hard core an OSAS believer is on this, as when they do burn out, their peers will just say they were never a believer anyhow, or were just faking it.

 

[rainingviolets]

I have a friend who does to me what it sounds like your mother is doing to you. This friend is the person who led me to the Lord. Her testimony and witnessing to me had a huge effect on my life. The issue with her is that now I am the one actively ministering to others while she is not serving the Lord, the Church, or the community in any way at all. My husband recognized that she is uncomfortable because I am busy serving the Lord while she is doing nothing. The Holy Spirit is convicting her, and the way she handles the situation is to criticize me. Your mother is being convicted in the same way.