Relationship issues and how to deal with them.

[brothersnook]

Hi all,

Hope you are all having a blessed day today!

My girlfriend of a year and I have been having some strained relationship issues lately and we find ourselves having little fights that turn into longer than needed discussions.

I feel like I am having a hard time recognizing her feelings and responding appropriately.

For example: She has a major job interview coming up and we were talking about it and she said that she wanted me to pray for her. I made a comment like “I feel like I’ve been praying for you a lot lately.” Fully expecting to move on and pray, she was taken aback by that. I recognize now that it can come off as I may be annoyed to pray for her, but that’s just not the case. Of course I wanted to pray for her as I’ve been doing nothing but that the last few weeks about this job and I want the absolute best for her. I immediately asked why she seemed upset, and she said that what I said was rude. I apologized by saying “I am sorry that that came off as rude and I honestly didn’t mean it in that way.” I had thought that would be enough but it ended up spiraling us into a long discussion and I ended up raising my voice and being upset mostly because I felt like she wasn’t believing me when I explained myself. She said there was no other reason for me to say something like that other than that I was being rude and I was annoyed that she asked me to pray for her. I called her stubborn and that she wasn’t giving me any grace by not believing I was telling the truth that I didn’t mean to be rude. It just continued to spiral and spiral.

I want to ask, how do I consider her feelings in a more emotional way rather than a logical way? While I may have not intended to be rude, how do I stop myself from taking it down a logical route and be more loving toward her and her feelings? Also, how do I keep myself from responding with haste when I don’t get the exact response I want from my apology? Also, what’s a good way to step away from the conversation that’s a healthy and loving way?


Obviously, I absolutely do not like getting into arguments with her, and I want these to stop. It’s been happening more than I would like it to and we both want this problem to have a solution.

I love her and I want her to be my wife, which is why I want to get some outside perspective from my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

Thank you,

brothersnook

 

[tturt]

Think it's great that you both are looking to the Lord in prayer. Might want to pray together.
Appreciate that you are concerned about the disagreements. Though expecting them to stop might be unrealistic. She might be feeling very stressed about the upcoming interview.

Biblical advice to all of us. A "soft answer turneth away wrath..." (Pro 15:1) and "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath":. (Eph 4:26) It's great that you apologized. Perhaps asks her to forgive you.

Hope you guys are able to work things out.

 

[Kylism]

Hi all,

My girlfriend of a year and I have been having some strained relationship issues lately and we find ourselves having little fights that turn into longer than needed discussions.

I feel like I am having a hard time recognizing her feelings and responding appropriately.

Background for me. I have been married 25 years and I am the logical one in our relationship so I can relate.

You asked the following:

(A) How do I consider her feelings in a more emotional way rather than a logical way? While I may have not intended to be rude,

• I found most of the time women are not always looking for answers to problems (relationships that is) rather an understanding of the problem so she can discover the answer or ask for guidance for answers.
• Your answer was not rude as you were being factual about the amount of times you prayed about this interview.
• Her response was the feeling of being a bother or problem to you as well as not worth it to pray for this anymore
  
• You can explain your point of view as you did YET REMEMBER YOU HAVE TO STILL ACCEPT that her feeling of 'being rude' is JUST AS VALID

(B) How do I stop myself from taking it down a logical route and be more loving toward her and her feelings?

• So in answer to 'consider her feelings in a more emotional way rather than a logical way' and 'more loving... her feelings'. You listen to her sentences for about two minutes and mainly you are looking for the answer to What feeling is being shown by her? When she talked about 'major job interview coming up' was her voice confident or worried or scared or excited. Then you would say 'You seem nervous about the job interview.' If you are wrong let her correct the feeling you mentioned it is ok because you are getting to feelings.

(C) How do I keep myself from responding with haste when I don’t get the exact response I want from my apology?

• You have to discover why it is so important to you to get the exact response. Just like she is not getting the exact response she wants after calling you 'rude' she has to recognize you are not the same as her and deep down inside:
  • BOTH of you want the best for each other so FOCUS on that foundation as you hear the sentence from her and vise a versa
  • So with that truth in you; will be able to pause easier to not take things the wrong way

(D) What’s a good way to step away from the conversation that’s a healthy and loving way?

• Walk up to her and say:
  • 'wow this time together is not going the way I think it should. I NEED to discover what is HAPPENING TO ME. I would like to take 5 minutes alone and pray with God ABOUT THIS DISCUSSION (argument) and then come back and TELL YOU WANT I FOUND OUT.
  • Main idea of above is ownership of yourself with God, not prayer about her with God on how she doesn't listen, etc.
    
  • If you can, if the mood is ok for this, hold her hands and look into her eyes while you say this.

 

[PloverWing]

A couple of thoughts.

1. I don't think of miscommunications like this as logical vs emotional. Rather, I think of it as being aware of the complexity of English communication. Sentence S has possible meanings S1, S2, S3, S4, .... You intended meaning S2, and she heard S4. You didn't mean S4, but it was indeed one of the possible meanings of S. So, logically, that was a possible outcome of saying sentence S.

2. Taking #1 into account every time we craft a sentence is hard, and we mess up, all of us, all the time. Forgiveness is good.

3. One of the things I've been working on in myself is improving my apologies. When you've offended accidentally, it's natural to want to defend one's self, to say things that suggest that the offender didn't do anything wrong and the offended party shouldn't feel hurt. Apologies like "I'm sorry if I hurt you" or "You shouldn't feel bad, people say things like that to me all the time" don't acknowledge that the other person is hurting.

(I'm thinking of a couple of recent, concrete instances where I unintentionally hurt someone by my words, and I made myself rewrite my apology over and over in my head, until the words "I hurt you, and I'm sorry" were in there.)

So, I suggest saying something that acknowledges the hurt. Maybe "Oh, wow, I see how that sounded. I'm sorry." And then maybe explain what you really meant to say -- which I hope was something like "You're asking for prayer a lot lately. You must be going through some really hard stuff. How are you holding up?" But acknowledge that the words caused pain, and then the two of you can go from there to build forgiveness.

 

[disciple Clint]

Hi all,

Hope you are all having a blessed day today!

My girlfriend of a year and I have been having some strained relationship issues lately and we find ourselves having little fights that turn into longer than needed discussions.

I feel like I am having a hard time recognizing her feelings and responding appropriately.

For example: She has a major job interview coming up and we were talking about it and she said that she wanted me to pray for her. I made a comment like “I feel like I’ve been praying for you a lot lately.” Fully expecting to move on and pray, she was taken aback by that. I recognize now that it can come off as I may be annoyed to pray for her, but that’s just not the case. Of course I wanted to pray for her as I’ve been doing nothing but that the last few weeks about this job and I want the absolute best for her. I immediately asked why she seemed upset, and she said that what I said was rude. I apologized by saying “I am sorry that that came off as rude and I honestly didn’t mean it in that way.” I had thought that would be enough but it ended up spiraling us into a long discussion and I ended up raising my voice and being upset mostly because I felt like she wasn’t believing me when I explained myself. She said there was no other reason for me to say something like that other than that I was being rude and I was annoyed that she asked me to pray for her. I called her stubborn and that she wasn’t giving me any grace by not believing I was telling the truth that I didn’t mean to be rude. It just continued to spiral and spiral.

I want to ask, how do I consider her feelings in a more emotional way rather than a logical way? While I may have not intended to be rude, how do I stop myself from taking it down a logical route and be more loving toward her and her feelings? Also, how do I keep myself from responding with haste when I don’t get the exact response I want from my apology? Also, what’s a good way to step away from the conversation that’s a healthy and loving way?


Obviously, I absolutely do not like getting into arguments with her, and I want these to stop. It’s been happening more than I would like it to and we both want this problem to have a solution.

I love her and I want her to be my wife, which is why I want to get some outside perspective from my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

Thank you,

brothersnook

If you want to have a long happy relationship, learn to say "I am sorry Honey, it was my fault" then after things are cooled off you can always ask her about her feelings because her feelings are important to you or they very much should be, love is not about who is right it is about giving.

 

[Tolworth John]

we find ourselves having little fights that turn into longer than needed discussions.

A basic difference between men and women is thatmen talk about problems seeking a soultion.
Women talk about problems seeking emotionsal support.

Bare that in mind when she talks about problems and as others have said, be slow to offer soloutins.

If you do fall into an arguement try to talk about how her actions/words make you feel and listen for how she says you are making her feel and try to respond to that.

 

[Joined2krist]

To me, you sounded rude but that's because i am a woman. You need to be more patient and kind. If you have these two qualities and apply them when relating with your gf, you won't need to apologise so often

 

[brothersnook]

Hi all,

Just wanted to make some corrections to my original statement. What I said that offended her was, “It feels like all I’ve been doing lately is praying for you.” She told me that today when we talked about it made amends. I just didn’t remember exactly the words I had said.

I really appreciate all of your responses, and I am going to put them all into action. I especially cackled though at @Joined2krist reply, not that it was funny, but that it just made too much sense.

Special thanks to @Kylism and @PloverWing for such in depth answers. Also special thanks to @Tolworth John, @disciple Clint, and @tturt for your understanding yet good, critical advice.

Looking forward to discussing on here more.

 

[Unqualified]

I don’t think you should be in a sexual relationship as a Christian. I don’t know if these people should be helping you. The Bible says to shun such a one. All these things should be worked out in marriage. But if you just trying each other out then it’s not really real, because you are both free to walk.

you have placed a big sin between you and God, he can’t help you. but if you do it His way you will be blessed. what about loving your wife as Christ loves the church , more than your own body. But you are just playing marriage, and doing the mechanix.

 

[brothersnook]

I don’t think you should be in a sexual relationship as a Christian. I don’t know if these people should be helping you. The Bible says to shun such a one. All these things should be worked out in marriage. But if you just trying each other out then it’s not really real, because you are both free to walk.

you have placed a big sin between you and God, he can’t help you. but if you do it His way you will be blessed. what about loving your wife as Christ loves the church , more than your own body. But you are just playing marriage, and doing the mechanix.

We are not in a sexual relationship at all. We do not live together. This was over a FaceTime. I don’t know where I indicated or expressed that we were in some sort of sexual relationship? We do not engage in sexual activity, we are just dating and we discuss our lives with each other. How else do you find a partner you want to marry?